bathroomsex

The absence of concrete facts in a celebrity scandal is ideal conditions for the idiocy plant to flower into a bumper crop of half-formed thoughts and flimsy speculative arguments. Witness this. And this. AND THIS!!!! Granted, it’s not helping that the bumf*ck authorities in Jawja are taking their sweet tea time in actually interviewing Ben Roethlisberger about the alleged sexual assault.

They may not even get around to talk to Big Ben for a few days. In the meantime, the Southern cops regale us with press conferences that provide no new information about the “pacific allegations regarding Ben Rothenburger”. Well sorry, Chief Gillespie, we can’t wait that long. So we’ve used our considerable contacts and resources to reach out to Big Ben and get his version of what actually went down last Thursday night.

bendevil

THE BEN WAS IN BAR. THEN BEN WAS IN DIFFERENT BAR. HAD GIRLS. HAD DRINKS. DEVIL SHIRT ON TO SHOW LADIES ELEMENT OF DANGER. LADIES LIKE.

ONE GIRL SING CARRY OKIE. SHE SAY SHE WANT BOOM BOOM POW WHILE LOOKING RIGHT AT THE BEN.

BEN THINK TO BENSELF THAT SHE PRETTY ENOUGH TO DROWN IN TOILET

THE BEN WANTED TO LOVE HER AND HUG HER AND PET HER…

GEORGIA PEACHES GOOD. SLOPPY BUT GOOD

THE BEN TELL GIRL HE IS INTO FOOTBALL, CHOCO TACOS, CALL OF DUTY. GIRL SAID SHE KNOW THE BEN FROM THE TV. BEN GET THAT A LOT.

GIRL LAUGH AND SAY SHE HAD TO DROP OFF CHOCO TACOS IN TOILET. BEN WAS EXCITED. THAT WAS WHERE THE BAR WAS HIDING CHOCO TACOS. HE WAS LOOKING ALL NIGHT.

GIRL CONFUSED ABOUT BEN IN BATHROOM. BEN SAID YOU SAID CHOCO TACOS IN HERE. YOU SAID THAT WAS JOKE. BEN SAID YOU NOT MAKE HARFS ABOUT CHOCO TACOS. THAT IS SERIOUS. SHE SAID SORRY, BUT THERE IS NO CHOCO TACO.

BEN GOT UPSET

BUT THEN BEN REMEMBER SOMETHING FUNNY FROM THE TV. SHOW CALLED FUNNY OR DIE. BEN DID NOT DIE, SO SHOW MUST BE FUNNY. BEN DO WHAT SHIRT DOES BECAUSE WHAT SHIRT DOES IS FUNNY.

SO BEN INNOCENT BECAUSE HE MADE COMEDY. EVERYONE SAY RAPE SERIOUS, BUT IF SERIOUS THEY WOULD NOT HAVE IT ON A FUNNY SHOW. BEN IS GOING ON WITH HIS OFF-SEASON NOW.