When we last left Indianapolis airport spokeswalrus Peter King, he was telling you how much Sean Payton loves his Juicy Fruit. Grab a stick. Pull it oooooout. The taste is gonna move ya when you pop it in your moooouuuthh. He also told you that free agency is totally overrated, BUT BOY DID HE LOVE THAT PEPPERS SIGNING. He also was tailgated. In JERSEY, of all places! And he recommended you ask Matt Millen about the time he helped give birth to a calf. Oh, is Matt Millen not a close friend of yours? Pity. Boy, does he have some wild stories, like the time he drafted Ernie Sims while dressed as a penguin.

So what of this week? Will Peter praise? Will he wonder? Will he adore? Will people who steal free newspapers finally get what’s coming to them? What does Anne Rice think? Will we find out the secret to why Derek Jeter is so good? (HINT: He works hard!) Read on. This could get retarded, and the operative word there is “could”.

Whoa. Looking like a dead Sunday, middle of March, with me still incredulous over the Browns paying Jake Delhomme $7 million.

They did? HOLY SHIT! And they traded Brady Quinn so they can draft Jimmy Clausen? Good God. Was Mike Holmgren raped in Cleveland a decade ago, and now using his job to exact revenge upon the city?

Tease alert:

Oooh, here comes the tease!

/takes off shirt, prepares for horse crop

Stay tuned, down a bit in the column, for a good nugget…

From Adam Schefter?

…about the first thing Rex Ryan said when he woke up from lap-band weight-loss surgery Saturday.

“Oh, oh! Ol’ Rex can finally get on top of the Mrs. again!”

It’s interesting how this story of the Eagles quarterbacks has stretched out. We all know it’s unlikely Philly opens the season with McNabb, Kolb and Michael Vick as the quarterback depth chart. If I’m laying odds, it’s 60-40 McNabb is under center for the Eagles on opening day. But that 40 percent (who knows — maybe it’s 30 or 35) means something.

It absolutely means something, in that it’s a complete arbitrary number that you pulled from out of your ass, and that you’ve already undermined that percentage by suggesting it may be an even lower arbitrary percentage. Does that 40 percent mean something? Well, it is a LEGIT 40 percent, although perhaps it’s an even MORE legit 30 or 35 percent. But it does mean something. What does it mean? Does it mean McNabb will be traded? Does it mean Kolb will be traded? Does it mean the faces on Mount Rushmore will soon begin talking, and issuing bizarre commands like, “Feed me rabbits”? I DON’T KNOW. There’s only a five percent chance of that, but that five percent means something, dammit.

The fact that there’s a real chance the Eagles could deal McNabb, and that McNabb is a half-year younger than Peyton Manning and apparently intends to play four or five more seasons, and also apparently has kicked the injury bug…

In the past six seasons, McNabb has played the full 16 games once.

…leads me to this question: What in the world are all these quarterback-needy teams doing? Why aren’t teams running to deal for McNabb?

Because Andy Reid probably overvalues him even more than some other teams do, and because he’ll want a big new contract, and because he still believes bounce passes are legal and that overtime is not?

The prime object of this game in the personnel area is to get a quarterback who can win games and lead your team, and a good, proven one is out there.

Whoa whoa whoa, let’s not go nuts by tossing around words like “proven.”

I asked a coach with a quarterback need about McNabb, and the coach said because McNabb is on the last year of his contract and would probably need to be re-signed, and the fact that Philadelphia would want a high draft choice for him in a very good draft, and the fact that he doesn’t have a lot of years left, all combine to make it a tough trade. Understood. Good factors all.

Understood completely. Makes perfect sense. In other news, I HAVE NO CLUE WHY TEAMS AREN’T PUSHING HARDER TO LAND DONOVAN MCNABB.

But McNabb is 33.

So he’s old, and has a longer injury history than many QB’s his age. Even better!

I have my own problems with McNabb.

He never answers my texts! He prefers Krispy over Dunkin’! He doesn’t have a Steeler persona!

I don’t see McNabb getting Philly over the hump and into another Super Bowl.

But he’s totally proven as someone who will never help you win a Super Bowl, and that has to mean something.

NFL teams have picked 30 quarterbacks in the first round since 1999. Of those 30, I’d say six (McNabb, Carson Palmer, Eli Manning, Philip Rivers, Ben Roethlisberger, Aaron Rodgers) have turned into top-flight starters.

Agreed, though Palmer has fallen off.

Six more (Chad Pennington, Jay Cutler, Joe Flacco, Matt Ryan, Vick, Daunte Culpepper) have been well worth the pick; Vick, remember, had the Falcons on strong playoff runs early in his career.

And then he was arrested, thrown in jail, got Jim Mora AND Dan Reeves fired, and forced Atlanta to start entirely from scratch once his career blew apart. But otherwise, totally worth the pick.

I’ve also heard what a great draft this is, and I respect teams determined to build through the draft. Long term, it’s clearly the best way to build your team right. The last time I heard so many raves about a draft beforehand was the 2004 crop, with the three good quarterbacks (Rivers, Manning, Roethlisberger) and rock-solid depth at several other positions.

Well, I looked up that draft Sunday, and here were the fifth through 10th picks in this so-called superior draft:

5. Washington: Sean Taylor, S, Miami (Fla.).
6. Cleveland: Kellen Winslow, TE, Miami (Fla.).
7. Detroit: Roy Williams, WR, Texas.
8. Atlanta: DeAngelo Hall, CB, Virginia Tech.
9. Jacksonville: Reggie Williams, WR, Washington.
10. Houston: Dunta Robinson, CB, South Carolina.

…Six years later, six of the top 10 picks in a thought-to-be excellent draft are gone, with just traces of the impact they were supposed to have left on their teams.

But one of them was fucking MURDERED. It wasn’t like he planned on being a draft bust by having a gang of teenagers break into his house and shoot him in the thigh.

And so here Peter King intimates the following: The Draft can be, like, totally overrated. Just like free agency. Just like the combine. All means of measuring and acquiring football players? OVERRATED. Just look at that disgraceful 2004 draft. Everyone thinks it’s soooo awesome just because it produced three playoff QB’s. Well, that draft had some shitty players too! OVERRATED! Why aren’t these teams trading overrated draft picks for someone who’s proven he can nail receivers right in the shoelaces every throw? Let’s see Sam Bradford have that kinda accuracy!

I think one of the quarterbacks is going. Where, I don’t know. When, I don’t know.

Who, I don’t know. How, I don’t know. Where, I don’t know. But there’s a forty percent chance that I THINK Kolb or McNabb is going to go. Could it happen? Perhaps. Are Saturn’s rings made of Pizza Rolls? MAYBE.

Rex Ryan really wanted LaDainian Tomlinson.

“LT, your new nickname is OLD SULKER!”

Ryan was in on meetings with Tomlinson on Friday in New Jersey to try to persuade him to sign as a free-agent with the Jets.

“Think of the pussy!”

Then the Jets coach, who has always struggled with his weight, went to Manhattan on Saturday to have lap-band surgery on his stomach, and the first thing he did when he woke up from the surgery was ask: “Did we get LT signed yet?”…

“And when will I be able to piss without liftin’ the hood?”

…the answer was no, so when Ryan had rested and returned home late in the day Saturday, he called Tomlinson to put on one last sales pitch.

“I will buy you a fucking veal chop and introduce you to a woman who can pop a champagne bottle with her asshole TONIGHT if you sign on that dotted line, fella!”

The Raiders get a rusher. Maybe.

POSSIBLY.

Kamerion Wimbley, the Browns’ first-round pick in 2006, got off to a great start rushing the passer for Cleveland, with 11 sacks in 16 games as a rookie. In the 47 games since, Wimbley’s had 15.5 sacks and too often gets caught in traffic, unable to consistently turn the corner and get to the passer.

Is he a rusher? Maybe. Did the Raiders get good value by trading a third round pick for him? Could be. Is he just another overpaid piece of shit? I WOULD NOT RULE OUT SUCH A THING.

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me

Vince Wilfork, the New England defensive tackle, and wife Bianca have a 7-month-old son named David Dream-Angel Wilfork.

IT’S NO BOSTON IZZO!

Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week

Not a travel note per se…

Just as this is not a football column, per se…

…but an observation about living in Boston that I wouldn’t have considered before moving here a year ago.

-They love their Dunkin here!
-I don’t need my car except for long trips!
-The signs to the Providence airport are misleading!
-Mooo has a fabulous steak! AND MY LEXUS GETS PARKED FOR FREE!

This is the only place I’ve been where, even with a big golf umbrella, you get wet when you walk for 20 minutes in the kind of Nor’easter we had over the weekend.

Why am I not shocked that Peter King is the kind of fellow who uses the mega golf umbrella?

It rains sideways.

Whoa! This is like Wonderland! You mean it’s rainy AND windy sometimes? People from Seattle would be fucking STUNNED by such a sight.

So if you position your umbrella to stop the rain from pelting you from the side, some of it’s going to hit you from overhead anyway. I’ve been around the kind of rain in the north of England, but this is the fourth or fifth storm with sideways rain in the year we’ve been here.

OW-AH RAIN IS MORE-AH INTENSE THAN YOUR-AH RAIN! VERTICAL RAIN IS FAR FACKIN’ GASHES!

This is loyalty, with a nod to being sure Vince Wilfork has at least three or four top seasons left: The Pats paid him an $18 million signing bonus.

Shame on you, for making that kind of money, Vince. SHAME ON YOU. Not a smart thing to make $18 million. Not today. Not in this economy!

I think I can’t wait to hear Mike Holmgren’s and Eric Mangini’s explanation for paying Jake Delhomme $7 million in 2010. I really can’t wait.

“I was raped in Cleveland a decade ago. Payback is a bitch.”

I think Delhomme is in the top five of NFL good guys I’ve ever met.

Good guy. LOFTY guy.

I once saw him stopped by students in the Student Center at Wofford College in Spartanburg, S.C., site of the Panthers training camp each summer, and give these kids 15 minutes of his time, asking them as much about them as they asked about him.

AND HE GAVE THEM HIS GLOVES!

I think the odds are 40 to 45 percent of overtime undergoing serious reform at the NFL meetings starting next Sunday.

And those odds mean SOMETHING. Though they may be closer to 35 percent. Or perhaps 7 percent. Still, that is a LEGIT seven percent.

If OT reform fails, a key part will be this: I think the coaches who are strident about keeping the system the way it is — and I talked to one the other day — don’t want to have another layer of decision-making added to their list. Coaches would have to decide, if they win the coin flip, whether to kick or receive. Under the plan being considered by the Competition Committee, the game continues to a second possession unless the first possession ends with a touchdown (either offensive or defense).

So you would take the ball every time. Unless you’re a fucking idiot.

I have it on good authority that the weather in Boston over the weekend was the same weather that sank the Edmund Fitzgerald.

LOOK AT OW-AH RAIN!

Good comeback by “The Office.” I think the show’s at its best in 22-minute episodes, not 44-.

And finally, just the right ratio of Nard Dog! Nard Dog is that show’s nutmeg!

Condolences to Keith Olbermann, my NBC football partner, on the loss of his dad Saturday after a lengthy illness. I could tell by Keith’s stirring references to his dad how much he meant to him.

BILL SIMMONS SAYS YOU’RE EVEN MORE ALONE NOW, KEITH.

Coffeenerdness: Quick review on the new Starbucks dark roast, Yukon Blend: Nice smoky full-flavored coffee, not quite with the bite of Italian Roast but a good midday coffee.

One sip, and I am hunting Elk in the Northwest Territories. Kind of a midday, snack break, after lunch coffee coffee. Not unlike my Butterscotch Triple Gooseberry Shakeiatto. AND TO HAVE IT BACK AT MY OLD UPPER MONTCLIAR ‘BUCKS! What a time we have there.