Allen Smith: I don’t believe it, Terrence! We made it to the field of 64! It took beating Winthrop to do it, but we’re in the tournament for real now!
Terrence Calvin: Yup.
Smith: Oh, man. We’ve got Duke next. A one seed. Coach K. All that tradition. They’re a powerhouse, man.
Calvin: Yup.
Smith: Think we can beat them?
Calvin: You never know, man.
Smith: Yeah, but a sixteen seed has never beaten a one seed. It’s gonna be tough.
Calvin: Yup.
Smith: You think Coach Ivory has something up his sleeve?
Calvin: I don’t know. What do I look like? The sleeve inspector?
(door flies open)
Coach Ivory: Great win, boys! Great win! You proved you belong in this tournament, and I couldn’t be prouder of you!
Smith: Thanks, Coach.
Coach Ivory: But we can’t be satisfied. We didn’t come all this way just to bow down for Duke, did we?
Smith: No.
Coach Ivory: I know it’s a quick turnaround, and I know the odds are stacked against us. But men, I believe you can bat this Duke team. I really do. And I’ve asked someone very special to come in today and help you believe it too.
Smith: Who?
Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?
Smith: Hey, that’s coach Rex Ryan of the Jets!
Ryan: You’re goddamn right it is! My name is Rex Ryan, and I love HARD TACKLIN’ AND SOFT PUSSYCHEWIN’!
Calvin: Did he say “pussychew”?
Ryan: Oh, men. MEN. Men, I feel fucking GREAT today! Doctors put a ring around my stomach the other day. And pretty soon, they’re gonna have to put a ring around my cock! BECAUSE COACH RYAN IS GETTING’ ON THE FUCKHORSE AGAIN! You believe that! I lost 16 pounds today alone, and that was just after taking a shit and cleanin’ my bellybutton! HOO WEE, I FEEL GREAT! The key with these stomach staples, men, is portion control. That’s why I start every day with a burritoita, instead of my traditional whole burro.
Smith: You used to eat whole donkeys for breakfast?
Ryan: Goddamn right! BECAUSE REX RYAN LOVES STARTIN’ HIS DAY WITH A BIG PIECE OF ASS! Now, first order of business: NICKNAMES. Smith, your new nickname is Smitty!
Smith: People call me that already.
Ryan: Then your new nickname is… THE SPANIARD.
Smith: But I’m not Spanish.
Ryan: Roll with it! Who else we got on this roster here? Lebaron Weathers? What is that, like LeBron’s name if he were a World War 2 fighter pilot? Weathers, your new nickname is Dawn Patrol! Tyree Glass, your new nickname is After Burner! Smith, your new NEW nickname is 1941! I love video games where I get to bomb things!
(nibbles on stalk of endive wrapped in bacon)
Smith: Okay.
Ryan: Who else we got here? Savalance Townsend? Goddamn son, that sounds like the name of a dragon, or some kind of giant lizard. Townsend, your new name is HYDRA, because I want you to get extra head! Now, gentlemen, Coach Ivory here… is that right? Your name is Ivory?
Coach Ivory: Yes.
Ryan: Well, you are the LEAST ivory fucker I’ve ever seen! You’re about as ivory as octopus ink, fella! I love it! Coach Ivory, your new nickname is White Darkness. Now, next order of business: bounties! Men, these little Duke faggots look like real slimy bags of shit! So I’m personally donating my freezer full of Omaha Steaks (which I’m no longer supposed to eat, at least on Tuesdays) to the first player that trips this little Scheyer fucker and causes him to break his goddamn nose on the court!
(takes very tiny sip of drinkable peach yogurt, then much bigger sip)
Coach Ivory: We’d prefer to win without any shady doings, Coach.
Ryan: Nothing’s shady if you’re doing it to that dirty Polack and his flock of Hitler Youth! FUCK THEM INTO THE GROUND! Now, next order of business: THUGGING. Men, I understand this… basketball game you play… doesn’t allow for blitzin’ or tacklin’ or doin’ that thing where you knock the fucking sperm out of a guy taking a pass over the middle. Sounds like fucking ladies’ brunch to me, but it’s a free country. But Coach White Darkness here says you all get FIVE fouls a game. Is that right?
(licks sugar off of graham cracker)
Everyone: Yes.
Ryan: Well men, I want you to use those fouls to ATTACK! ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK! ATTACK! You have five fouls, men. The first one should take off an arm. The second should take off a titty. The third should take that pristine cunt’s head right off!
Smith: What about the other two fouls?
Ryan: Save those for the cockpunchin’. Now, men. MEN. You and I know no one gives you a prayer in hell of winning this game you’re gonna play. They’re Duke, with all their fancy All-Americans and dipshit fans who chant math problems and all that queerness. They didn’t even respect you enough to keep you out of that retard play-in game. You are just a name on a sheet to millions of people. An item to be instantly crossed off. You don’t even get your own line on the bracket. You have to share it with those LOSERS from Winthrop Waitering School. You are an afterthought, that’s for goddamn sure.
(opens fresh bag of sugar snap peas, dips them in Skippy)
But when I look around this room, I don’t see a bunch of afterthoughts. I see MEN. I see fucking WINNERS. Do you believe me when I tell you you’re winners?
Everyone: Yes.
Ryan: Oh, that is some fucking weak BULLSHIT. I TELL YOU BOYS YOU’RE AL WINNERS, AND YOU’RE GONNA SALUTE THAT WITH SOME LIMPDICK AFFIRMATION? WHERE ARE YOUR FUCKING BALLS? 1941, YOU GOT BALLS?
Smith: Yes.
Ryan: Take ‘em out!
Smith: Sir?
Ryan: Come on, it’s a locker room! Everyone’s seen your speed bag already. Whip it out.
(cooks egg white omelet with six kinds of bacon inside)
Smith: Well, okay. (takes out balls)
Ryan: Look at those balls, men.
(takes out tape measure)
Roughly seven inches around. Hanging about three inches down from the groin. I think if you measure those Duke boys’ nuts, you’ll find roughly the same measurements. It’s no different. They’re the same balls you’re used to back in Old Hickory.
Smith: Pine Bluff.
Ryan: Whatever. But you know what those Duke boys don’t have? They don’t have this.
(grabs Smith’s penis with one hand, nibbles on cheddar rice cake with other)
Smith: Hey, that’s my penis!
Ryan: Take a good look, men. Because those white boys at Duke don’t have the fucking deer legs you men have. I can guarantee you that. YOU MEN HAVE THEM OUTCOCKED AT EVERY TURN. Look at this python. 1941, I bet you do some serious damage with this fucker, don’t you?
Smith: Well, I…
Ryan: Oh! Oh! Ol’ 1941 USES HIS B12 TO CARPET BOMB SOME CARPET! THAT IS FUCKING GREAT HUSTLE!
(lets go of penis, slaps Smith on the ass, hard)
Smith: Ow!
Ryan: Men, no one believes in you. Hell, I didn’t even know you were a fucking school until White Darkness called me and offered me free first class airfare and luxury accommodations. But just because everyone else believe that doesn’t mean you have to. FUCK EVERYONE ELSE. Only the men in this room know what you’re truly capable of. And I say, from the looks of ya, that you have everything you need to take those little Blue Homos and POUND THEIR FUCKING ASSES. Do you believe me?
Everyone: YES!
Ryan: You are fucking WINNERS. You are going to take your five fouls and you are going LAY DOWN THE FUCKING HAMMER OF THE GODS ON THOSE PIECES OF SHIT. You are fucking LIONS. You will hunt them down and snap their necks with your mighty lion jaws. And then you will bury your face in their fucking warm blood. They won’t know what’s coming. They won’t know a fucking locomotive is coming out of that dressing room, ready to run their asses right off the fucking track. They won’t know they’re about to go down the way no fucking one seed has EVER gone down. Only you know that. Right here. Right now. DO YOU BELIEVE ME?
Everyone: YES!
Ryan: ARE YOU GONNA TIE THOSE DAISIES TO A POST AND BLOW THEM TO FUCKING JESUS?
Everyone: YES!
Ryan: FUCKING BRING IT IN.
(everyone brings it in)
Ryan: Men, you going to fucking WIN. And then we’re all going out for fucking SALAD AND MINERAL WATER… AND ANAL!
Everyone: YAY!
Ryan: FUCKING LIONS ON THREE! ONE TWO THREE!
Everyone: LIONS!
Ryan: Hoo wee! That was good. Now I gotta drink a fucking protein shake.
Smith: I think we can beat Duke, Terrence.
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I am brazillian and actually have 2 internet business, and answering e-mails take me at least 2 hour per day! I can’t continue with this anymore. But, I don’t know someone that is able to answer the same way I do, so I wonder the day I will can get a trip without headaches.
White Darkness…Darkness everybody DARKNESS!?!
That is all
Love your post. I’ll share it on facebook if you don’t mind.
Your post is very interesting. Could you post more about this please. Thanks!
For whatever reason my favorite part is the OHHHH face whenever somebody timidly admits to getting some pussy.
Probably my favorite one was Ice Man’s wifey pussy….
Rex Ryan has easily become my favorite Kskharacter.
I think my favourite thing about Rex is his real opening line. Not “HOW THE FUCK…”, although that is a pretty sweet way of introducing oneself, but “Oh men. MEN.” It implies to all around that this, what you’re about to say, is for the ears of men only and that implies it is about manly things. In future, when talking to fellow men about something you find manly, preface it with that.
It’s official, I no longer miss Laserface and the adventures of Wade and Jerry….Long live Coach Rex…
Warning: Rated Rex for Mature Subject, Violence, Sex, and Profanity!!!
Today, I just witnessed two 11 seed beat a 6 seed, a 13 seed beat a 4, a 14 seed beat a 3 and a 15 almost beat a 2 had it not been for some questionable officiating. THIS ARKANSAS PINE-BLUFF UPSET WILL HAPPEN, DAMMIT!
Absolutely made my day. Bravo.
Hi, You have some really Great articles on your blog. I also like the theme and the layout as well. excellent work!
@ Slash
I thik they’re gonna do it. The games generate so much $.
That took a weird turn.
Nth-ing the (door flies open) t-shirt, a nice American Apparel t with nothing but that printed on it, I’d buy one for each day of the week.
I have hated Duke since 1969.
That is all.
@ SkinsFan913
Sounds like someone could a lapband surgery
Surprises after the jump aren’t surprises anymore and I DON’T FUCKING CARE A BIT.
You know Ryan would put it on, too. He did it for one of the hockey teams or whatever!
Have tried “Fucking Bring It In!” at work and nobody ever brings it in. Must be saying it wrong.
Love the (door flies open) tee idea!!!! include a 5XL for Coach Rex when ordering.
Best article of the football offseason so far? Yeah, I think it is.
I don’t know about Rex, but pussychewing caused a lot of screaming the one time I tried it.
I second the call for a “(door flies open)” T-shirt.
If the Jets sign J. Peezy, I’m going to need a diaper when reading future Coach Rex pep talks.
Oh, I have Duke going to the Final Four, Zack, simply so that they will burn out.
My advice to anyone who wants to see Duke lose early? Pick em to win the whole thing. The Universe hates you. It doesn’t want to see you win money. If you put all your chips on Duke to take the title, it’s a virtual lock that they’ll get beat nice and early. It’s what I’ve done every year for the last five years, and they haven’t made it farther than the Sweet Sixteen. $5 a year to see Duke fail? Worth it.
White darkness wasn’t that bad was it?
\I laughed
\I’m a white guy drinking Harp
If Duke loses, I think I may have a spontaneous orgasm. I keep a mop on hand for just such an occasion. Remember that loss to VMI? I sure do.
BigJimSlade – brilliant come back against Mr. Pot up there, I applaud thee.
Deer legs and White Darkness… hahaha!
I really wish Rex Ryan would give a pep talk to the UCSB Gauchos. He’d like Santa Barbara…plenty of options for some world-class pussytubin’.
/Win or lose, I hate Ohio State.
//Encourages everyone to cock punch any Buckeye who calls it the Ohio State University.
The lack of at least an end-of-post Laserface cameo makes me a sad panda.
Oh man. Tears down my cheeks. Yeah baby, Parades and Tits!
Oh, and N N’s van- Being well practiced at pussytubing, he pokes out the center of those little steaks, puts one on each finger, sticks his hands into fire and nibbles steak rings through practice. Ocho- “But he could if he wanted to”.
As a Winthrop alum this is a sad sad day.
/Didn’t watch one minute of the game
@Big Black Richard: +1 I think so, too. Funny the fourth time.
Does he grab ’41s cock from above or below?
Just trying to get a mental picture.
Maybe Cottonelle’s marketing department can take a survey.
/lets self out.
Deer legs for the win. I already have Duke going down in the second, so no shit off my dick. WIN AWAY, ARK-PB.
@Lisa_from_Illinois,
Would that make Duke = UAPW?
/Also livis in Arkansas
//Also from Illinois
///knows nobody cares
////shows self out
@SkinsFan913
Go blow a goat!
Thanks for ruining my bracket, Coach. There’s no way Duke wins this game now.
I can only hope that Coach Ryan, in the offseason, makes a visit to the troubled clubhouse of my dear New York Mets. Maybe he can teach David Wright the art of pussytubin’ and give Johan Santana a pep talk on headhunting.
Fuck. and. Yes. Again. Once again, Coach Ryan continues to be loads of win and awesome, showing that no matter who needs motivatin’, Coach Ryan will get the job done, and KSK will be glorious forevermore because of his coming.
I have not even read the post yet, but I saw ‘surprises after the jump’ tag plus pre-jump stating motivation, so the Greatest Coach Ever was not fully unexpected upon clicking, but VERY much welcome. Brb, enjoying best KSKharacter ever.
Drew has earned his St. Pat’s Day Jameson’s, Guinness, and corned beef. Well done, you suave fuck.
XD @ Rex’s diet, especially the egg white omlete with six kinds of bacon.
Oh, and “outcocked at every turn.” Throw that one in, too.
“Pussychewin” and “deer legs” have already entered my vocabulary. Epic.
Skinsfan, go back to Slate, douchewad.
/not surprised at all that such a taint is a fan of Danny Snyder’s
I finally lost it and soda came out the nose at “the second one should take of a titty”
Well done! F-uck Duke!
KSK Coach Rex Ryan is my favorite fictional internet character.
You had me at pussychew Drew.
take those little Blue Homos and POUND THEIR FUCKING ASSES
Good to see SmurfPorn is still alive and well
To cover? Hell I’m putting my poker bankroll for Pine-Bluff to win straight up at most likely +1650 odds.
Rex Ryan could fire up a 50 year old corpse to rise out of the ground.
Ok, first I saw a post involving basketball and thought the site had jumped the shark; however, as soon as I read one of the players responding with “yup” my cock got hard knowing full well what was cumming after the jump…
pussychew, White Darkness…thank you, Drew, for consistently expanding my vocabulary.
LAY DOWN THE FUCKING HAMMER OF THE GODS ON THOSE PIECES OF SHIT
What does Britfar have to do with March Madness?
Now THIS is a shining moment.
Why so much Duke hatred? I have to put up with myriad anti-Duke idiots at work, now I have to see them in posts as well?
/looks at rest of website
//realizes intrinsic value of dick jokes
Why don’t we all just ease up on SkinsFan? Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
But SkinsFan, perhaps next time you visit you could try to tone down the language. Talk about offensive!
Bobby Knight throwing chairs and choking kids has nowhere near the motivational power of Rex.
/going to get a lap band for the hell of it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SlmdFEpT8SU&feature=PlayList&p=53BE7F4095B0C56B&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=28
…Jon Scheyer and Kyle Singler between classes.
Slightly related, I read that the NCAA is considering making it a 96-team tournament starting next year. Please tell me that isn’t really happening.
Ryan: Men, you going to fucking WIN. And then we’re all going out for fucking SALAD AND MINERAL WATER… AND ANAL!
Everyone: YAY!
Almost had to walk out of Roman history lecture. The drunkards on St. Pattys day are less disruptive than me.
You should make a shirt with (door flies open) on the front. And “HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?!?!?” on the back.
I need more (door flies open) in my life.
Jesus SkinsFan, don’t be so niggardly with the praise.
Maybe it’s that the Vicodin just kicked in, but I thought this was the funniest Rex Ryan post out of all of them.
@ SkinsFan913
Bite Me
/lets self out
I like it better when you gotta “read the rest” in order to find out why the (door flies open)
FUCK YEAH!
@SkinsFan913
just for that, i hope the REDSKINS draft bradford, the CHEROKEE QUARTERBACK. thassraciss
@SkinsFan913 – Here’s ten bucks, go buy a sense of humor.
“Townsend, your new name is HYDRA, because I want you to get extra head! ”
I applaud you, Drew.
@SkinsFan913 – Hey pot, before you go and yell at kettle, maybe you should update your screen name to a slightly less racist team name…
“Is this SHIT supposed to be funny?! And for those that actually laugh at this RACIST CRAP you should be ASHAMED!! Some people take the freedom of speech thing a lil too far sometimes!! NOT FUNNY!”
Skins Fan is jealous that his orange complexion coach isn’t as great as Rex.
Is this SHIT supposed to be funny?! And for those that actually laugh at this RACIST CRAP you should be ASHAMED!! Some people take the freedom of speech thing a lil too far sometimes!! NOT FUNNY!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
@GhostsoftheUpcountry – Lord, please let Coach Ryan fire up DOOK’s NEXT opponent too.
If everything goes according to plan, that would be my University of California Golden Bears. I bet coach Ryan could help those poor Berkeley boys out. They have a Chinese giant on the team, you know.
Is this SHIT supposed to be funny?! And for those that actually laugh at this RACIST CRAP you should be ASHAMED!! Some people take the freedom of speech thing a lil too far sometimes!! NOT FUNNY!
WHITE DARKNESS!!! Fuck yo couch ni__a! Buy another one ya rich mothafucka. They shoulda never gave you ni__as money.
Coach Rex Ryan’s bracket inexplicably has the New York Jets winning every game and facing themselves in the finals.
/is almost convinced to pick Ark-Pine Bluff now
awesome hoosiers reference
“Take a good look, men. Because those white boys at Duke don’t have the fucking deer legs you men have. I can guarantee you that. YOU MEN HAVE THEM OUTCOCKED AT EVERY TURN. Look at this python. 1941, I bet you do some serious damage with this fucker, don’t you?”
“fucking deer legs” …… classic.