porn-stars

Allow me to begin this week’s edition with a brief “State of the Mailbag,” for lack of a better term.

The Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag has been around long enough to identify some trends in the questions. Guys want to climax on their girlfriend/wife’s face, guys want to have anal sex with their girlfriend/wife, guys want to have a threesome, guys want their girlfriend to lose weight, et cetera. (I can’t recall a dude asking for exercise tips so he can look better for his woman). And every time I field one of these questions, some part of me is like, “What the hell? Is porn this guy’s only reference for sex?”

And the answer, I’ve come to realize, is yes:

You needn’t watch the whole video here, but I found it interesting. The gist of it is that, due to the rise of the Internet, an entire generation of young men has grown up with easy access to porn at a younger age. There was a time when a stolen Playboy was the fucking JACKPOT. You had to develop a system to rotate between the three pictorials in the issue to keep them fresh for as long as possible. Now… hell, I don’t even know how young men graduate middle school. A 13-year-old with his own computer and an Internet connection can whack off to things I didn’t even know existed until my mid-20s.

Anyway: back to what the Asian lady in the video said. Because of our bullshit Puritanical society, parents and schools are too chickenshit to give actual, worthwhile sex education, so young men actually think anal sex and facials and threesomes are the norm (which I’m sure they are in some relationships, but not society at large).

All of this, I guess, explains the last year or so of questions that seemed idiotic to the point of retarded to the point of comical. Anyway, if you’re a young whippersnapper who got an early start with Internet porn, please give Make Love Not Porn a look. Consider it Sex 101 before the advanced course here at KSK.

Now, on to your your questions:

Gurus-
Sex: I have been married for 12 years, been through a lot of shit (child with cancer, her pill addiction, etc, etc). We separated for six months and I found a girl who was the anti-her (loved the sexy-time, cooked, cleaned, etc)…but all I really wanted was to go back to wifey. Now, everything goes great for a while, then the wife brings up “the Kraken” and it’s back to shitsville. Any hope for the future, or will I be hearing about this in 12 more years? PS – she fucked some dude while I was dating “the Kraken”. So we’re even, right?

So, wait. Is the Kraken a girl you slept with or a mythical sea monster? The Kraken I’ve come to know through mythology didn’t do the dishes.

Here’s the thing. I appreciate and encourage your brevity, but you just dropped 12 years of heavy shit into a pretty brief paragraph. Frankly, I think that sleeping with someone during a trial separation — especially when your wife did the same — shouldn’t be that big of a deal considering you’ve made it through a child with cancer and a pill addiction together. But then, I’m also a single guy with fairly liberal views about sex. The person to help you through this tough time is a licensed therapist, not a football blog.

Fantasy: Dynasty league wise, how bad-ass is Jermichael Finley?
- Reggie Bush apologist

Minor-ly badass? Don’t get me wrong, I picked up Finley when I realized John Carlson blew, and I enjoyed a couple great games from Finley toward the end of the season. But I’m not ready to crown his ass Antonio Gates 2.0 until I see a full season of production out of him. When it comes to keeper leagues, I’d hope I have at least two or three sure things who have more proven value than a tight end who might be breaking through to the top tier.

Sexbags,
My girlfriend dumped me early Thursday evening.

Bummer.

I don’t plan on moping about it forever or anything, but I would like to close this relationship before opening another one. As such, I have a couple questions.

1. I asked her if she had been planning this for some time, and she said she hadn’t. This is strange because I knew a week ago that she was going to break up with me. She started to become reluctant to say “I love you”. Is she lying to make me feel smart? Is she lying to make herself feel less heartless? Or did I just pick up on something she wasn’t consciously aware of?

When it comes to questions about a break-up, don’t ask what you already know. The break-up is awkward and painful enough for both sides without someone being all “How long have you known?” Even if you get an honest answer, what does that change? “Oh my God, you knew you were going to break up with me when you took me to the movies last week!”

She’s lying because it’s awkward, and because your feelings are already hurt enough.

2. The reason she gave for breaking up is that we don’t “share the same values” and that we “disagree on too much.” One thing she mentioned is that she’s an atheist and that I am “religious”. (This is actually not true. I do believe in God, but the reason I attend a Church is for the social benefits.) Another is that she is a humanist and I’m not. However, she placed a lot more emphasis on differing philosophies about sex differences and art (of all things!) Even though she said I’ve been wonderful to her and actually went as far as calling me a “nice person”, I’m wondering if I’m a misogynist jerk, and she just doesn’t want to upset me by saying so.

Who knows? The point is, she doesn’t feel that you’re the right person for her.

(The “nice person” thing is bullshit, too. I’m a misanthrope who’s only nice to friends and service employees.)

Yeah, I’m in that club, too.

3. Further reason for breaking up was that she “didn’t see it working out in the long run,” and that she thought it best to break up “before…” (she just trailed off and didn’t end the sentence). I interpreted this as her being juvenile. My theory is that she was enjoying the relationship, and was afraid it would fail, so she just ended it before something bad could happen. Is this likely, or am I way off base?

It’s possible, but I wouldn’t call it “likely.” From your description of what she said, it sounds like you were enjoying the relationship a lot more than she was. Most relationships have an imbalance in who likes the other person more, and — having been on both sides multiple times — I can tell you that the person who’s more into it generally can’t see the other person’s lack of enthusiasm.

As much as you’re dwelling on her reasons for breaking up with you (your words sound very much like the denial stage of grief), you should be thankful that she ended things when she came to the conclusion that she wasn’t in love with you. Better to be heartbroken and on your own than in a relationship with someone who doesn’t return your love.

4. This is not a question, I just noticed your annoyance with wordy e-mails in the Sexbag. I’m guessing it’s because people see it as a forum where they can air personal secrets that they want to share but are afraid to. Especially since you’ve already got them started sharing personal secrets. Also, sorry about this wordy e-mail in the Sexbag.
Thanks,
-Jon

And I’m sorry you got dumped. Now start moving forward instead of looking back.

Caveman,
Okay, so my girl dumped me last night. This morning, I woke up, and I started having this fantasy about going to her place and taking her by force. I usually wake up to morning wood and about 5 minutes of fantasizing about something, but today it was…that.

Is there something wrong with me?
Anon

Um. No, probably not. Just don’t go acting on that impulse, okay? Prison is unkind to convicted rapists.

Dear KSK,
Sex: So I recently got dumped

Jesus! Was there a sale at the New Boyfriend Warehouse or something?

by the only girl I ever got to have sex with, and it was a lot of sex. She was on birth control and that was our only method of contraception, I never used a condom with her. I really enjoyed not having to mess with and pay for condoms,

Condoms: WAY cheaper than a lifetime supply of Valtrex.

and I think it feels awesome to just be able to leave it in and finish inside. So since I’ve never actually used one, am I going to be disappointed in the sensation when the next girl I get with makes me wear one? Did I start at the top and now have to settle for less in terms of contraception?

Okay, you’re new to this, so I’ll try to be understanding instead of dismissive. To worry about the loss of sensation a condom causes BEFORE YOU’VE EVER EVEN HAD SEX WITH ONE is getting a little ahead of yourself. It’s kind of like the people who call Megan Fox unattractive. “Oh, she has weird thumbs.” “Her tattoos are stupid.” Oh yeah? Well why don’t you go ahead and pick up Megan Fox’s twin who has perfect thumbs and no tattoos?

My point being, sex is great. Does sex without a condom feel better? Yes. Are you needlessly and preemptively worrying about a reality you should embrace? Also yes.

Football: Did the NFL really fuck up the draft’s bearability by changing the time format around for this year? I think so.
-Mike T.

Yup. Instead of a lovely all-day affair of drinking on a Saturday in April, the NFL’s going shoot its wad with first-round excitement on Thursday night. Then we get the “afterbirth” rounds on the weekend. Yippee.

Dear KSK,
My office has 6 people in it. One of them is an attractive, 22 year old (I’m 29), unattached, lady sports fan who also listens to awesome music. We seem to get along really well. Because of all that I’d like to ask her out (I’m reasonably sure she’d say yes). But holy shit I cannot fathom the awkwardness if this goes badly. Thoughts?

I’ve never been a fan of dating in the work place, but then my work place for most of my adult life has been the Marine Corps and the Internet. It’s not like I was a talent scout at a modeling agency.

Whatever. Go for it. I’m sick of trying to give good advice. Go out there and dance with the devil, people!

As I’ve gotten older I’ve started to equate the ending of each football season, fantasy or otherwise, with me being one year closer to death. This makes me enjoy fantasy football less. Please help.
-Sean

Focus on the passing of the seasons. That way you get reminded of being closer to your death every three months, which should lessen the once-a-year fear you get from football ending. You pussy.

Dear KSK,
pseudo-sex: There’s this girl in my office who I’m friends with, and it’s clear that she wants to be more than just friends. however, i’m not at all attracted to her, even when I’m drunk. i enjoy talking with her at work and stuff, but its gotten to the point where if i see her at a bar i just leave to avoid her sad drunken stares. Is there any way that i can make it 100% clear to her that im not interested, while not leaving her self-worth in complete tatters?

Yes: keep not hooking up with her. Don’t overthink this one, Stephen Hawking.

fantasy football: if you have the 2nd overall pick in your fantasy draft who are you taking?
thanks a million,
tim

Assuming Chris Johnson goes #1? I’d probably stick with Adrian Peterson. I can put up with seven fumbles over the course of the year if he runs for 1500 yards and scores 14 touchdowns.

Hey Guys,
Sex – I wrote to you last year back in June(ish – the archives seem to be missing a lot of the mailbags from around then).

That’s our fault. We have like three or four different tags for the mailbag, and I can never remember which one I used the week before.

I was the one who’d just started dating the crazy girl who was offering threesomes and anal, you told me to run as fast as I could. I didn’t take your advice,

We’re always happy to help!

and long story short it turns out she’s not crazy after all. She just really liked me and her uncertainty about how I felt toward her led to her temporarily act that way (only when we were apart). I never did get that threesome, but I have earned my brown-belt.

You fucked a girl in the ass, okay? Save the douche lingo for your frat brothers.

Anyway the reason I’m writing to you this week is because we’ve begun looking at apartments together, with the goal of moving in together within the next few months. This will be my first experience living with a girlfriend for any extended amount of time, so are there any little tips or tricks I should know about how to make living with a woman as smooth and successful an experience as possible?

I’ve never done the moving-in-together thing, so I asked KSK’s co-habitators what they recommended… and nobody really said anything. Except for Unsilent Majority, who says you should “volunteer for a simple chore or two like taking out the trash and recycling. At least then it seems like you’re making an effort.” Personally, I’ve heard that separate sinks in the bathroom is a nice luxury to have.

Anyway, it doesn’t really matter what we recommend. Your woman will train you, and you’ll adapt if you want to survive.

Football – Who will win the Julius Peppers sweepstakes (besides Julius Peppers)?
-DA

What, you want some clueless guessing? Go read Peter King. Or better yet, just ask him on Twitter. Tell him @drewmagary sent you.