In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ochocinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.

Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Quit playing in the snow and come inside! You have a mandatory voluntary players-only workout with the entire coaching staff in attendance. Let’s move!



Ocho: Comin’, Coach! Comin’! (comes inside) Do we have hot chocolate? I was in the snow. You can’t leave me hanging with that hot chocolate.

Marvin: There is no hot chocolate. We have to go now.

Ocho: But Coach! Coach, check this out. I wanna show you something. I have built something that will blow your fucking mizz. Look out the window. LOOK!

Marvin: Okay.

(looks out window)

mrsnowboto_canada_kate

That’s a snowman.

Ocho: WRONG. To the untrained eye, that is just a snowman. But do you want to know what it really is?

Marvin: A retarded snowman?

Ocho: Oh, you funny. No, that right there, is SNOWBOT.

Marvin: Snowbot?

Ocho: Snowbot. He’s a robot, but he’s made entirely of snow. (sings) SNOWBOT! THE ROBOT MADE OF SNOW!!!! SNOWBOT!

Marvin: So you made a snowman that is supposed to look like a robot.

Ocho: Not look like. IS. Snowbot is a real robot.

Marvin: No, he isn’t.

Ocho: Yes, he is.

Marvin: No, he isn’t.

Ocho: Yes, he is.

Marvin: No, he isn’t.

Ocho: Yes, he is!

Marvin: Real robots are made of metal, Chad. They’re not made of snow.

Ocho: But they COULD be.

Marvin: But they can’t!

Ocho: Why? Ain’t no rule that says a robot can’t be made of snow!

Marvin: Yes, there is. It’s called the rule of not being a fucking idiot.

Ocho: Child, please. Don’t be a shitbiscuit! That is a real robot.

Marvin: Well, what can it do?

Ocho: I dunno. I haven’t given it its orders yet. That’s one of the rules of robots, Coach. Like I saw in that Jazzy Jeff movie. The robot is only as smart as the man behind the robot.

Marvin: No wonder yours is made of snow.

Ocho: Well, who says a robot can’t be made of snow? I think you limit yourself with all these RULES and LAWS, Coach! I’ve seen robots made of things besides metal, you know! Like me! Remember when I did the Robot at your nephew’s wedding?

Marvin: Yes.

Ocho: That’s a real robot!

Marvin: No. That was you. You aren’t a robot.

Ocho: But I could be.

Marvin: But you’re not.

Ocho: But I could be.

Marvin: But you’re not.

Ocho: But I could be! You don’t know! I could be a robot made of people! Check this out, okay? (talks like robot) HELLO, COACH LEWIS. I AM A ROBOT. I AM TALKING TO YOUR WITH MY ROBOT BRAIN, WHICH IS ACTUALLY A COMPUTER OR IPHONE OF SOME KIND. Now, you tell me I’m not a robot.

Marvin: You’re not a robot.

Ocho: You know what I want to be when I robot grow up? I want to be an oven robot.

Marvin: An oven robot?

Ocho: Yeah. I want to be one of those little robots that comes out of the oven when you turn it on and helps make the bread go high.

Marvin: Those aren’t robots that do that. That’s the heat of the oven. The heat makes the bread rise.

Ocho: Pfft. Now who’s crazy? Bread don’t get high just with heat! The little robot comes out, gives that bread a nice fatty, and BOOM! That loaf be high as fuck.

Marvin: … … … I’m leaving. Get your robot bag or whatever.

Ocho: I can’t go that practice. I got dancing.

Marvin: What?

Ocho: I’m on Dancing With The Stars. Didn’t you know that shit?

Marvin: No.

Ocho: Well, it is going to be the fucking NIPPLES. They asked all the stars to come out for it. Me. Pretty TV college sports lady. That bitch with the kids. Jesus. Lincoln. Godzilla. All of them. AND I GET TO DANCE WITH THEM!

Marvin: I don’t think Jesus, Lincoln and Godzilla will be with you on that.

Ocho: How do you know that?

Marvin: Because they’re all dead, or they are fictional characters.

Ocho: Speak for yourself. I’m definitely dancing with Godzilla.

Marvin: You don’t get to dance with any of your fellow stars, Chad. They pair you with a trained professional dancer, and that’s the one you dance with.

Ocho: So I don’t get to dance with the girl with the tits?

Marvin: I don’t think so.

Ocho: That’s what you think. I am going to revolutionize that show by being the first to dance with Jesus, Godzilla, and titty lady all at once. And you know how I’m going to do it?

Marvin: How?

Ocho: By programming myself… (presses back of neck) TO DANCE!

(dances)

DANCEBOT! THE ROBOT THAT CAN DANCE!!!!!! DANCEBOT!

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU FUCKING TARDSAUCE. DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU’RE A FUCKING ROBOT? YOU ARE A GODDAMN HUMAN BEING. YOU ARE NOT MADE OF METAL, AND YOU CANNOT PROGRAM YOURSELF TO DANCE. AND ROBOTS CAN’T BE MADE OF SNOW, AND THEY DON’T JUMP OUT OF OVENS TO SMOKE WEED WITH BREAD DOUGH, AND THEY CAN’T DANCE WITH FUCKING GODZILLA.

YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS. I AM TRYING TO MAINTAIN SOME SEMBLANCE OF MOMENTUM FOR THIS TEAM AFTER A DECENT SEASON, AND NOW I HAVE YOU GOING ON TV AND PLAYING IN THE SNOW AND THINKING YOU’RE MADE OF GEARS AND FUCKING SPRINGS. I DON’T KNOW WHY I DON’T JUST CUT YOU ON THE FUCKING SPOT AND BRING IN TERRELL OWENS TO REPLACE YOU. AFTER ALL, HE’S ALSO OLD AND FUCKING TERRIBLE AND RETARDED. BUT AT LEAST HE WON’T BE YOU. YOU BRAINDEAD PIECE OF SHIT.

Ocho: How you know TO isn’t also a robot? Because I talked with Ray Lewis and he think TO might be one of those andruids.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.