Nomah! Nomah has left the yahhhhhd! You facks cannawt pawssibly undahstand what he meant to the great citizens of NONDAHKIE NATION!

(lifts weights in jeans)

I remembah back when Nomahhh farst arrived awn the fackin’ scene. We were-ah all like HEY, WHAT’S WITH FACKIN’ APACHE CAWKSACKAH FAGGOT GRABBING HIS WRISTS? But he won us ovah that day! AND WE AHHH NAWT EASILY WON OVAH! Everyone in America remembers the day Nomah became a true membah of Papelbawn Nation!

Keep in mind, Nomahhhh joined the fackin’ Red Sawx back befahhhh they won the Series! You people cannawt know that pain! As a Sawx fan, it is my duty to teach othahs how to grieve terrible sparts lawsses! Only we know how to be sparts fans! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

(gives bro-hug to bar bouncer)

Anyway, we loved ow-ah Nomahhhh. He was a dipshit with OCD, but he was OW-AH dipshit with OCD. YOU FIND ME A NEW YARK FAGGOT THAT LOVES JETAH LIKE WE LOVED GAHHHCIAPARRAHHHH! The bawnd we had was unshakable, until that faggot turned shitty and married that dude who plays soccah! WHAT A HOMO!

This is terrible day for everyone who evah loved Nomahhh and then made fun of him the second we traded his sorry ass. We nevah would have won the 2004 series without getting rid of that Italian spic whatevah fackin’ type of dahkie he was! HE SHOULD BE GRATEFUL HE WAS SUCH A PAHHHT OF OW-AH HISTORY!

(orders Snakebite at bar)

What a blow. And awn the same day Corey Haim died. REMEMBAH WHEN COREY HAIM STAHHHHED IN THAT BAD MOVIE? THAT WAS HILARIOUS! LET’S MENTION THAT MOVIE A THOUSAND MAHHHH TIMES!

(pantomimes fucking pinball machine doggy style)

Of carse, Nomah decided to sign with the Red Sawx and retiah as one of us. He said it was his dream. AND IT EVERYONE’S DREAM TO DO THE SAME! Nomah! Schlling! Welkah! That faggot Scawtt Brosius! Babe Ruth! Nixon! THEY AWL WAWNTED TO RETIAH AS RED SAWX! IT IS AN AWNAH UNLIKE ANY OTHAH!

(does immediate podcast with JackO to talk about what Nomar meant to the world)

This is the most emotional retiahment since Ali retiahed, AND I’LL NEVAH GIVE UP THAT OPINION!