NO NOMAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
03.10.10
Nomah! Nomah has left the yahhhhhd! You facks cannawt pawssibly undahstand what he meant to the great citizens of NONDAHKIE NATION!
(lifts weights in jeans)
I remembah back when Nomahhh farst arrived awn the fackin’ scene. We were-ah all like HEY, WHAT’S WITH FACKIN’ APACHE CAWKSACKAH FAGGOT GRABBING HIS WRISTS? But he won us ovah that day! AND WE AHHH NAWT EASILY WON OVAH! Everyone in America remembers the day Nomah became a true membah of Papelbawn Nation!
Keep in mind, Nomahhhh joined the fackin’ Red Sawx back befahhhh they won the Series! You people cannawt know that pain! As a Sawx fan, it is my duty to teach othahs how to grieve terrible sparts lawsses! Only we know how to be sparts fans! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
(gives bro-hug to bar bouncer)
Anyway, we loved ow-ah Nomahhhh. He was a dipshit with OCD, but he was OW-AH dipshit with OCD. YOU FIND ME A NEW YARK FAGGOT THAT LOVES JETAH LIKE WE LOVED GAHHHCIAPARRAHHHH! The bawnd we had was unshakable, until that faggot turned shitty and married that dude who plays soccah! WHAT A HOMO!
This is terrible day for everyone who evah loved Nomahhh and then made fun of him the second we traded his sorry ass. We nevah would have won the 2004 series without getting rid of that Italian spic whatevah fackin’ type of dahkie he was! HE SHOULD BE GRATEFUL HE WAS SUCH A PAHHHT OF OW-AH HISTORY!
(orders Snakebite at bar)
What a blow. And awn the same day Corey Haim died. REMEMBAH WHEN COREY HAIM STAHHHHED IN THAT BAD MOVIE? THAT WAS HILARIOUS! LET’S MENTION THAT MOVIE A THOUSAND MAHHHH TIMES!
(pantomimes fucking pinball machine doggy style)
Of carse, Nomah decided to sign with the Red Sawx and retiah as one of us. He said it was his dream. AND IT EVERYONE’S DREAM TO DO THE SAME! Nomah! Schlling! Welkah! That faggot Scawtt Brosius! Babe Ruth! Nixon! THEY AWL WAWNTED TO RETIAH AS RED SAWX! IT IS AN AWNAH UNLIKE ANY OTHAH!
(does immediate podcast with JackO to talk about what Nomar meant to the world)
This is the most emotional retiahment since Ali retiahed, AND I’LL NEVAH GIVE UP THAT OPINION!
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/Newt-Gingrich-Releases-2010-Tax-Return1-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/01/pkpti-150x150.jpg)
Apologize for my poor english, I think its a precarious piece of your writing. Well I will be suffering with having alot of difficulties in this condition but this post helps me
Eh, why does it have to be about Drew. Who cares why he writes it? Simmons is a sanctimonious douche who’s been smelling his own farts for too long and lost whatever edge he had 5 years ago (at least.) It happens to everyone. Reilly was legitimately funny once upon a time too, just 90% of us are too young to remember. Drew will lose his fastball someday too, and when he does, some less famous writer will bust his balls about it. Its the circle of life.
In the meantime, as a non-local living in, of all place, Quincy, I thoroughly enjoy both the general Bostonian and Simmons-specific bashing aspects of Tommy. Good stuff.
It’s times like these when I “almost” wish the British would have won.
“but remember Drew could never take himself as seriously as Simmons does.”
Eh…that is sort of Drew’s trope I think, the egalitarian sports fan who hurls invective to show he is no different from the rest of us, but I think Drew tries to downplay how seriously he takes himself. Drew went to a way more prestigious NE boarding school and a way WASP-ier college than Simmons, so it is not like Drew was pounding PBRs in Minneapolis and just started posting columns. Drew is also more of a humor writer than a sportswriter, we may think Simmons can be a dick but he is an actual sportswriter, so the comparison of “Douchieness” is not so much a Simmons vs. Magary, but more like Simmons vs. PK or Lupica or Wilbon.
It still just seems like some dude with a popped collar pastel poloshirt tea bagged Drew or something in prepschool…there is a psychological basis for his Tawmeee character that definitely stems from some sort of adolescent inferiority complex.
AHHH I LOVE NOMAAAAH
AND FUCK ANY OF YOU YANKEE COCKSUCKAS OUT THERE WHO SAY A BAD WORD ABOUT NOMAH
“I used to be a Sox fan. Tommy from Quinzee has cured me of that. No joke.”
If a fictional character cured you of being a fan of a professional baseball team, I doubt you were much of a fan to begin with.
…and about 18,000 of those were fans of the team that the Orioles were playing that day. It’s a shame that such a great park is wasted on such an apathetic fan base.
You’d be apathetic too if your team hadn’t had a winning season since 1997. Can’t say I blame them.
With the what now? The Red Sox averaged 30,201 in a 33,513 seat stadium in 1999, or 90.1% of capacity. That was third in MLB, behind the Indians and Cubs. By your logic, all baseball fans were of the bandwagon variety, at least in 1999.
Whoops, was looking at Anaheim one spot below them. Regardless, that puts Boston at 14th instead of 15th in attendance, so not much difference. Capacity percentages are kind of pointless because it depends on how big your ballpark is; in the case of Fenway Park, it’s very small. Again, if you don’t fill up your stadium, you can’t complain about how its capacity skews your total attendance.
Not all baseball fans are bandwagon. But when teams start losing they tend to lose fans and when they start winning they start selling out. All I’m saying is Boston is no different, even though they like to think they are.
And I’m spent.
I can only assume one day I will be as sick of Drew’s schtick as I am of sports guy’s …
Maybe, but remember Drew could never take himself as seriously as Simmons does. Though really, could anyone take themselves as seriously as Simmons does?
/still reads all Simmons’ columns, ignores the podcasts.
They averaged 27,000 per game. Capacity was about 34,000 then. When it comes to attendance rankings, you can only complain about the size of your park when you are selling it out. Not so in ‘99.
With the what now? The Red Sox averaged 30,201 in a 33,513 seat stadium in 1999, or 90.1% of capacity. That was third in MLB, behind the Indians and Cubs. By your logic, all baseball fans were of the bandwagon variety, at least in 1999.
Ahhhh ’99, when you could walk up and buy cheap tickets to Fenway on the day of a game (even if Pedro was pitching). And when Yankee fans out-numbered Sox fans 2-1 during every match up.
Even the Baltimore Orioles, who have not had a winning season since ‘97, averaged 23,000 a game last year.
…and about 18,000 of those were fans of the team that the Orioles were playing that day. It’s a shame that such a great park is wasted on such an apathetic fan base.
I used to be a Sox fan. Tommy from Quinzee has cured me of that. No joke.
Simmons should just stop ” writing ” his column and stick to pod-casts that nobody listens to. I think another term for “darkie” is quadroon. Learned that one from watching Archer.
Needed to allude to the fact that Corey Haim turned down the role of Daniel Sun in ‘KK’ because he felt the character didn’t kick ass enough.
“That was in 1999. Thanks, Pink Hats.
15th in attendance that year. NOMAHHH NATION WAS JUST IN HIDING!!!”
What was it in attendance percentage? Dont they have the 2nd smallest park?
They averaged 27,000 per game. Capacity was about 34,000 then. When it comes to attendance rankings, you can only complain about the size of your park when you are selling it out. Not so in ’99.
Even the Baltimore Orioles, who have not had a winning season since ’97, averaged 23,000 a game last year. The Red Sox started selling out games on May 15, 2003, the year of their devastating and delicious loss to the Yanks in the ALCS. And now, they have unified around the country to become Bandwagon Nation.
Beautiful but the bar was set so high with “never tips the black stripper”
Did Nomar’s “partner” Lou Merloni also retire as a Pink…er…Red Sox?
“That was in 1999. Thanks, Pink Hats.
15th in attendance that year. NOMAHHH NATION WAS JUST IN HIDING!!!”
What was it in attendance percentage? Dont they have the 2nd smallest park?
Am I the only one who immediately checks ESPN for a Simmons column after I see a TAWWMY post? I’m always disappointed when I don’t see one, although I assume there’s something about it in a podcast that I’ll never listen to.
Remember when Tawwmy wasnt Simmons.
This will only get old until Simmons starts making more sense.
Oh good, more Simmons jokes. Who could have predicted that?
I can’t put my finger on my Tawmmy voice, but when I head it, he’s always shouting…just a bit louder in all caps.
Anyone else remember the whole argument over whether Jeter would ever keep up with Nomar and Tejada? I like to think it worked itself out…
And in a move that should suprise absolutely no one, Nomar retires and joins ESPN.
Must… add… more… Boston… bias… to… network…
Cute, but weak. The Tommy posts are less insightful, and seem to rely much more on Tommy’s racist comments, than they did initially. Sure, Tommy’s a racist, but the vast majority of those jokes are just lazy writing. Give us more Boston lore, and less cheap humah. OUR REGIONAL HUMAH IS FUNNIAH THAN JUST DAHKIE JOKES. NOBODY DENIES THIS.
Is that Trot Nixon tommy is talking about?
I can only assume one day I will be as sick of Drew’s schtick as I am of sports guy’s, but until that day comes, I facking love this shit.
Herc from the Wire takes offense that he would EVAH BE COMPAHED TO THOSE BAHSTON FACKS
(destroys Fuzzy Dunlop)
(roughs up minister, loses job)
(Inexplicably works in Baltimore)
“Nobody even noticed when Ali retired. IT’S TRUE! Check your Ali history books.”
It’s true. They went to Zaire, there was a fight, and then the movie ended.
@I ordered a Soloflex DVD
Except for the fact that lynchings, firebombings and cross burnings aren’t publicly backed, perpetrated and covered up by the police department. We may be racists in Boston, but we’re spineless racists.
@butchhobson
Taibbi isn’t a hack whose writing claim to fame is poop stories and capital letters.
/still reads everything by Drew
awesome.
tawwmy from quinnzee ALMOST makes the ass cancer that is boston and its pink hat nation worth having around. and the many ‘dahkies’ theory addressed here validates a personal belief. I’ve been to birmingham (bombingham), alabama; biloxi, MS; knoxville, tn, columbia, sc; richmond, va–and boston, ma. boston is BY FAR the most racist city in that list.
If Tawmee bro-hugged a bouncer, he’d wind up like Ron White…drunk in PUB-LICK. And surrounded by 6 bouncers in black mesh tanktops.
Drew, I love you and as a sox/pats fan I genuinely appreciate the Taawmmmy shit.
That being said, your current fixation on Simmons is bordering on Ahab-esque. Did someone at Phillips hide your snack stash? Youre starting to become the Matt Taibbi of sports commentary.
/Is despondent over this half-assed critique
//Going to go home and re-read Men with Balls
Italian spic…amazing.
This is pure amazingness
@ lolwut
It has to do with Boston, hence it has to do with football.
lol wut does this have to do with football?
Red Sawx fans have always been there! No one denies this!
(practices beer pong form with imaginary ping pong ball)
Will there be an Red Sawk Citah-style wake for the recently depahted?
> Herc from the Wire
I hear Boston Rob from Survivor.
My god, there’s more than one type of dahkie??
Real ones and imitators.
-Toriiiii Hunter
Hey, I like snakebites!
That was in 1999. Thanks, Pink Hats.
15th in attendance that year. NOMAHHH NATION WAS JUST IN HIDING!!!
I am particularly enjoying today’s word salad…..
/Olberman’d
So when is Simmons going to start posting comments under different aliases?
My god, there’s more than one type of dahkie??
halfie
quarterie
octaroon
oreo
Bryant Gumbel
Hairy Mole, that’s my feeling and I ummm live in Boston. If he couldn’t be top dog while taking 5 minutes to adjust his wrist bands for every freaking pitch, then he was going to pout like a Chargers fan.
I’m not going to fake the accent but n.b. The Babe retired as a player-manager of the Boston Braves. From what I’m told their fans were the best (in a laid back kind of a way) only to be drowned by the enormous self pity of the original Sox fans.
I just remember watching that Sox-Yanks game when Jeter dove into the bleachers and that game just went on and on. Meanwhile Nomah just sat there. Sulking. Wouldn’t play. And I’m a Mets fan.
/Likes Jeter for who he is.
//Hates Jeter for being a Yankee.
This is the most emotional retiahment since Ali retiahed, AND I’LL NEVAH GIVE UP THAT OPINION!”
Ahahahahahahahahaha!!!
I mean this is basically Herc from the Wire, right?
I still remember going to Nomar’s 3 homer, 10 RBI game and watching him deposit a homer into a completely empty bleachers section in right field…
That was in 1999. Thanks, Pink Hats.
Of carse, Nomah decided to sign with the Red Sawx and retiah as one of us. He said it was his dream. AND IT EVERYONE’S DREAM TO DO THE SAME! Nomah! Schlling! Welkah! That faggot Scawtt Brosius! Babe Ruth! Nixon! THEY AWL WAWNTED TO RETIAH AS RED SAWX!
BUT WADE BAWGGS CAN SACK A FACKIN CAWK
@ me- wrong freaking post, numbnuts
My god, there’s more than one type of dahkie??
I’m shocked Derek Anderson didn’t even get honorable mention. That worthless fuck had a worse year than even Russell did.
FACK NOMAHHHH! FACKIN BIG-NOSED DAHKIE TRAITAH! HE WAS NAWT WAHHHTHY OF BEING ON THE ’04 CHAMPIONSHIP SAWKS!!! THANK GAWD WE TRADED THAT FACK!
Wait…he fackin retiahed? As a Sawk?
(pounds chest, points in random direction)
WE FACKIN LOVE YOU NOMAHHHH!!!
“slowly melding”? Or are you slowly getting it?
I remember when this SI cover came out and all the Boston closet cases got huge hard ons:
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/cover/featured/9782/index.htm
“DUDE! NOMAHR is wicked jahcked!”
This is the most emotional retiahment since Ali retiahed, AND I’LL NEVAH GIVE UP THAT OPINION!
Nobody even noticed when Ali retired. IT’S TRUE! Check your Ali history books.
Should be:
This is way more emotional than when that dahkie Ali retiahed, AND I’LL NEVAH GIVE UP THAT OPINION!
Nonetheless, excellent work drew.
COREY HAIM WAS OW-AH BOGAHHT…NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!
I wouldn’t call it a charade, id call it hilarious
You’re slowly melding Bill Simmons and Tawmmy. How long before we start hearing from Simmons from Quinzee and just drop the charade altogether?