St. Patrick’s Day is less than a week away. It remains, for many people, an invitation to get utterly shitfaced. But the day itself is not without its annoyances. Here’s what we would do if we had the power to make the best drinking weekday a little bit better for everyone.
The premise. You are the head of state in your own city or town, and you have the ability to pass and enforce ONE law that will be in effect for St. Patrick’s day ONLY.
The draft order. Matt. Jack. Josh. Mike. flub. Drew. Falco.
Off we go.
Matt:This is actually a lot harder than I thought. I want it to be easier for me to get drunk while limiting the drunken jackassery of other males.
1. MATT. Okay, I’ve got it: March 17th officially a holiday.
I work on St. Patrick’s Day like every fucking year because I don’t get personal days. On my watch, all businesses except for bars and restaurants will be closed. That’s all I want. I don’t care about mandating that chicks dress slutty or enforcing a day-long curfew for college kids and fat people: I just want the day off.
2. JACK. A ban on any shitty macrobrew dyed green.
Quit being a bitch and pick up a real Irish beer like Smithwicks or a decent American alternative. I could possibly be persuaded to make an exception for frat houses.
Josh: I wish Matt could have given us March 18th off. Sadly, the rules don’t provide that option.
3. JOSH. No green? No admittance.
You don’t own ANYTHING green? Go home and find something, because you won’t be drinking here. And I mean fucking GREEN. Not seafoam or teal or turquoise. Don’t decide to go out on amateur night and then act like you’re too cool to observe the dress code.
4. MIKE. Police ordered to fire on anyone heard saying Erin Go Bragh
Glad you learned one Gaelic phrase, the meaning of which you’re unclear on. Oh, and now you’re said it 30 times in the last hour. Please headbutt this bullet.
5. FLUB. No Guinness in a frosted glass.
Ought to be in the Constitution.
6. DREW. All open container laws lifted
Just, for once, let me drink in the fucking street.
7. FALCO.
St. Patrick’s Day is one of my favorite holidays, but it could be safer for motorists. Therefore, I would pass a one day law only law requiring mandatory DUI police roadblocks every half mile within city limits. Safe is fun, people.
ROUND 2.
8. FALCO.
Last year on St. Patrick’s Day night, Turner Classic Movies was showing Serpico! HELLO??? New law: Turner Classic Movies has to show Angela’s Ashes on St. Patty’s Day. Or The Commitments. Anything with Colm Meany is a hoot.
9. DREW. Federal funding used to give Shane McGowan proper set of teeth
10. FLUB. No. House. Of. Pain.
11. MIKE. Any McDonalds that doesn’t carry the Shamrock Shake is stripped of its business license
There are more that don’t than you’d like to think.
Jack: “I wanna open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets!”
12. JOSH. Sex in the champagne room.
Once a year won’t hurt anyone. Probably. Maybe.
13. JACK. Fake Irish accents. They’re fucking annoying, so they’ve got to go.
14. MATT. Actually, I think “TITS OR GTFO” is a pretty good way to end the draft.
Agreed.
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Hai friend Good night.I am agree with your blog opinion about that but i found something strange that i felt you did not know the main problem before you posting this so i want to ask :where do you know about this dude ? Regards admin of matping.info Good bye
Often the reason individuals purchase Precious metal may be the security that the physical metal provides.
“I wanna open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets!”
Classic Mitch Hedberg
If we’retalkign abotu movies actually worht watching, then we have to go with “Wind that Shakes the Barley” and “Michael Collins”. Drinking and violence, with all manner opf British folk dying. Can’t beat that.
“Anything with Colm Meany is a hoot.”
In homage, I will go with mandatory Deep Space Nine marathons on my local CW network.
5% chance falco is real. If he is, biggest pussy ever.
The Boston Celtics get beat by 20 by every team in the NBA. All in one night. None of them are fucking Irish and Brian Scalabrine doesn’t count.
/Maybe the only “baskets ball” fan on KSK
@ Grumpy – my next tattoo is on my shoulder, a harp with saoirse over it. nobody will get it but fuck ‘em
Tiocfaidh ár lá motherfuckers!
This is exactly what you don’t want to be.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4OtwXB9rfHQ&feature=sub
Falco, you suck. Unless you aren’t real. In which case, you rule.
Saoirse!
Anyone claiming “Irish heritage” or “Irish blood” who was not born in Ireland is forced to buy rounds for any actual Irish people you are lucky enough to meet.
I’m half and half. Dad’s English, Mum’s Irish. I have family still over there, I visit at least twice a year and I still have the slightest twinge of an accent. So, not born in Ireland but I’m pretty sure that that qualifies me as Irish. Thoughts?
If you aren’t Irish, don’t bother, but if you don’t respect a number of pseudo-Irish customs, you’re a twat?
Just if you aren’t Irish, don’t pretend to be.
How about this one: It’s not St. Patty’s Day. Patty is a nickname for Patricia. Try St. Paddy’s Day.
When I was in college, the day started at 5 AM with wake and beer and wake and bake. Whole frat was downtown at 6 when the bars opened. hourly nickel progession, starting at a nickel, a buck got you a table covered with beer cups. by 9, everyone was taking a power nap. This is why I have a lousy job now.
Wearing orange on St. Patrick’s Day is an excellent way to start fights, if you’re in the mood for one.
Fuck Sinn Fein and all the weepy Boston prickheads who send money to the IRA.
/Will be wearing my UT Austin shirt.
Somebody already mentioned Savannah for the mugs, but open containers are allowed and they have the second largest parade after New York. It’s a great town.
“I took many a lump. But ’twas in good fun!”
Monkey Time:
You mean “Whacking Day?”
As Mayor of this fictional town, I hereby declare that the police are to look the other way/participate in the violent pogrom against the Irish held every March 17. Pogroms will continue yearly until an answer is found to the “Irish question.”
@ Chemical Toilet
Actually, in many US bars, a black & tan and a half & half are different drinks. A B&T is Guinness+Smithwicks or Guinness+Bass, where a H&H is Guinness+Harp. In fact, I went to a Guinness “tasting” event, and that is how they described it too. Maybe it’s not authentic Irish, but that’s what it is.
To the Asian guy up above who does not want to wear green: You don’t have to wear green, but you are forbidden from wearing orange.
I went to school with an English girl who hated anything Irish (told me she did not like me ’cause my first name is Sean) and she used to wear orange every March 17. Most people did not get the insult or even care, but she understood the symbolism.
So let me get this straight. If you aren’t Irish, don’t bother, but if you don’t respect a number of pseudo-Irish customs, you’re a twat? God. That’s fucking confusing; stick to agriculture. Irish music blows, anyway.
I work Thursday morning, and Wednesday is pasta night (mangiamo!).
For the rhythm method of birth control to actually work for everyone — Irish or not — for just one night.
Okay, here’s a real, non-asshole pick: Move St. Patrick’s Day from March 17th to the 2nd Friday of the month. Combine that with Drew’s holiday pick, and suddenly St. Patty’s Day becomes a THREE DAY HOLIDAY.
Get started with the boozing Thursday night and let the good times roll for 72 straight hours. Your liver will thank/blame me later!
After reading some of these posts, my first pick will be shoving a Celtic High Cross up the ass of any dumb shit who can’t get their Irish Stereotype right.
The divide between Jameson and Bushmills is more North/South than Protestant/Catholic.
Catholics in the North drink Bushmills. Gerry Adams drinks it. They just call it “the blood of our enemies.”
No hittin’ with a shillelagh! Only use your hurley stick!
Not that they don’t anyway, but Lent must be suspended for 24 hours. Who the hell’s idea was it to stick St. Pat’s in the middle of Lent anyway?
Redheads get 2-for-1 drinks and a warm place to sleep at the Mayor’s house.
I didn’t see it listed, so fuck it.
I call Midnight Madness for St. Patrick’s Day. All bars can be open the entire 24 hours of St. Patrick’s Day. Why should I have to go home at 2am the night before and try to stay up for 5 hours till the bars open again at 7am?
24 HOURS!!! NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!
@ Zach
I like the taxpayers get a free drink suggestion. I’ll do you one better, taxpayers get one free drink [not being greedy here] paid for by the local union’s pension fund.
Not really an ordinance but I want Mitch Hedberg back for a day.
For the law, no beer shall be more than $2
a mandatory leprechaun loaded with fifths of Jameson, which he has to give you a shot when requested, in every district in every major city that has to skip down streets and into bars all night asking everyone if we’ve seen his pot of gold. Midgets make things better.
Yeah so this draft has pretty much come down to every Irishman’s dreams, New Orleans without black people
@ Drew’s Sad Reminder and Drew
Yeah this draft pretty much sounds like “I want St. Patrick’s Day to be New Orleans without black people.”
@ AW
For 33 years Bushmills and Jameson were owned by the same company. And for 197 years they’ve been owned by different companies. So yeah, you’re right, they’re basically the same.
No drinking and driving laws.
Me, the first time I visited new york city:
“What’s an open container law?”
…
(later)
“What’s last call?”
“Oh, that’s when bars close.”
“Bars close?!?”
/new orleans rocks all y’all
Oh, and I’m hung like Tony Dungy’s son. …What?
Caffreys must be brought back. Starting with a fresh keg at my house. Delivered by a comely lass in a shift.
The “Irish Curse” is hereby known as a myth.
/along with the female orgasm
Did someone pick rape? Anyway, yea…..rape
No overdoing it with the bagpipes. They’re Irish, I get it, that’s great. But this bar isn’t that big; and those things are FUCKING loud.
@ Lou – I’m hung like a Shetland pony, speak for yourself.
Not that I want to pick it, but someone will, and I’m douchey enough to do it….
PROHIBITION, BITCHES!
/got to work on Thursday, anyway
//will enjoy a bathtub mint julep
Public awareness that the “Irish Curse” means Irish men have small weenies and a sweet Irish lass would be served better by someone out of her clan.
I’m shocked that a thread filled with Irish people talking about drinking is getting belligerent. Shocking.
No way am I ponying up to buy beer or cab rides for any of you micks. But I’ll be glad to be sure that when you pass out drunk in the gutter, you are face down.
Safety first, people, even on St. Patty’s!
Anyone claiming “Irish heritage” or “Irish blood” who was not born in Ireland is forced to buy rounds for any actual Irish people you are lucky enough to meet.
I have no objection to that. Is it okay if I buy the drinks after your sister blows me?
No Boston Celtics jerseys
I knew some New Orleans fuckface would remind me they have no container laws. WELL FUCK YOU. ENJOY PARTYING IN A FLOATING LANDFILL.
Free beer for all gingers, myself included!!!
Irish people dislike gingers as much, if not more than, anyone else. Just because it shows traces of Celtic ancestry doesn’t excuse the fact that 95% of ginger people wouldn’t be touched by even the drunkest person’s barge pole
NO, and I mean FUCKING NO Danny Boy. American Song, about longing for Ireland. The only time you’ll hear that song in Eire is when you and your 50 American “Heritage” tourists are getting off the plane and on to your tour bus at Shannon Airport. And they all hate you for it.
Molly Malone FFS!
Also (damn the rules, I don’t have time to stick around) the following all-day marathons:
TCM: THE QUIET MAN
Disney Channel: DARBY O’GILL & THE LITTLE PEOPLE
HBO: THE DEPARTED
HBO2: MILLER’S CROSSING
HBOverrated: THE BOONDOCK SAINTS
FX: IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
Showtime: BROTHERHOOD (tv show)
Cartoon Network: The one where Porky Pig is forced to wear the dancing Green Shoes. All fucking day FTW.
Lifetime: Who cares? MYSTIC RIVER or something.
Free beer for all gingers, myself included!!!
@ Tech N9ne’s Tribute to Falco
seconded. screw this amateur hour shit and let us 365-day-a-year drinkers kill ourselves in peace.
@whitespeedreceiver
Had to ruin your IRA nostalgia, but Bushmills and Jamesons were owned by the same company for many years (certainly the majority of your life). Now they’re both owned by French multinational liquor conglomerates. Bushmills–Diageo, Jameson–Pernod.
If any KSK reader has ever told you you remind them of a certain “Quinzee” resident, you are not allowed to leave the house until 6am, March 18th.
Here in New Orleans we can throw out Drew’s first round draft.
And it’s not just St. Patty’s Day.
@Larry Dolan
See, the Starter Wife gets it. I want good Irish rock, damnit.
Is “no condoms allowed” still on the board?
So if Flubby was anti-House of Pain, is the slot filled with mandatory Black 47 listening? (NYC only.)
And instead of U2, nothing but Flogging Molly and the Chieftains.
Vomiting is considered attractive.
@ tgreenfield – You do realize U2 is from Ireland, right? They suck, but they are Irish.
Proof of Irish ancestry entitles one to blowjobs from women of one’s choosing.
Free drinks for the day with proof of Irish lineage.
Non-Catholics and non-Irish-heritage people must pay for the cab rides of Catholics with Irish blood.
Anyone claiming “Irish heritage” or “Irish blood” who was not born in Ireland is forced to buy rounds for any actual Irish people you are lucky enough to meet.
To gain entry to an Irish pub to drink on St. Patrick’s Day, you have to eat a plate of Haggis.
You want to act all Irish on this special day? EARN YOUR FUCKING BADGE.
Its been said already but haggis is Scottish. We don’t like it.
/Greeting from Dublin
Any douche asking a lady if she’s “got any Irish in her” is to be castrated by a rabid marmot.
What in fuck is going on in that champagne room picture? Is that a sumo wrestler?
/masturbates furiously
Liquor licenses for coffee shops.
Come on, Starbucks. Irish up this latte and get my day off to a beautiful, blurry start.
Mo Charlo wins the historical draft
I get to beat the shit out of a British person with no reprecussions.
and no fucking U2 will be played.
@Ryno – I already took that off the board.
The only really necessary one is the lifting (or at least a lack of enforcement) of open container laws. Let New York be Købnhavn for one day!
Everyone shuts the fuck up and leaves me alone about my drinking.
Redheaded ladies with pale skin and freckles drink free.
/Loves him some redheads