Sexy Friday is on its way, but for now you need to know that stuff is, like, HAPPENING in free agency. Let’s run it down quickly.
-The Ravens traded for Anquan Boldin, whose armor-plated face makes him impervious to all Ray Lewis stab attempts. While you may say this move makes the Ravens extremely dangerous, Christmas Ape still says they are still pedestrian at best. PEDESTRIAN! BIG BEN WILL RAPE YOU IF YOU DISAGREE!
-The Jets traded for Antonio Cromartie. CROMARTIE, YOUR NEW NAME IS MARTIEPANTS!
-Josh Cribbs got paid. At last. Now, to build an offense and defense!
-The Colts resigned Gary Brackett. WHOA HEY STOP EXCITING ME LIKE THAT INDY!
-Miami is hosting Karlos Dansby and presumably treating him to stone crab. Brandon Marshall may become a Seahawk. Jerramy Stevens highly recommended Seattle to Marshall. Lots of bushes and darkness.
-Someone gave Nate Burleson $11 million, and it wasn’t even the Redskins. Would the Lions be your second guess? You’d be right on the money.
-The Bears signed Julius Peppers AND excellent third down back Chester Taylor, who immediately makes Matt Forte somehow even more worthless than he already was. Taylor is expected to be the intended recipient of many Jay Cutler passes that end up deflected and in the hands of a d-lineman.
-Jake Delhomme says he was “blindsided” by his release from Carolina, which speaks volumes about his field vision. GM Marty Hurney said cutting Jake was the hardest thing he’s ever done. Marty Hurney has had an easy life.
-Kyle Van den Bosch goes to the Lions. He’s good.
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Boldin can explain to Derrick Mason that in order to be a possession receiver you’re meant to be able to catch.
Check the tape on the Delhomme press conference. He said he WASN’T blindsided. It was in the context of saying how professionally the Panthers handled the situation. Hey I’m all for trashing the Panthers, or Delhomme for that matter, but that’s kind of key to the story.
Ape would call the Ravens pedestrian if they got into a car and ran him over. Don’t tempt Donté. WORDPLAY!
PEDESTRIAN, I SAY!
Actually, it’s a good pickup for the Ratbirds. But if they let Mason leave, it’s ultimately not that big of an upgrade to their receiving corps.
/if Mason leaves, do Flacco’s eyes leave with him?
But wait, how is Joe Flacco going to stare down two receivers at the same time? He’ll go cross-eyed!!
Bah! Joke stolen by Ape. This is what happens when you open a page, leave to take a dump, and the comment without refreshing. Next time, I’m kommenting on the krapper!
How much did Cribbs get paid? Fuck you money? Suck my dick money?
Fuck you in the ass in Georgia money?
I figured the next Sexy Rexy Ryan would go something like this:
Cut to Jets Weight Room where AC and DR are working out:
AC: So what do you want to bet on who’s going to have more picks?
DR: Negro please. It’s going to be you – those racist QB’s won’t even LOOK in my direction.
AC: Speaking of QB’s what’s Sanchez like?
DR: Who?
AC: You know Mark Sanchez, our QB.
DR: OHHH, I think his nickname this week is “Ponch”. You know Eric Estrada from CHIPS”
AC: Wait – nickname …’this week’…
DR: Yeah, see Coach Ryan
(DOOR FLIES OPEN)
SR: HOW THE FUCK YOU DOING BOYS ?
AC: (whispers) Boys? Hey…
DR: (whispers) He don’t mean nothin by it.
(Speaks up) FINE COACH.
SR: That’s GOOD. AC your new nickname is “The Impregnator” because you are a potent force. Now where’s my triple pepperoni?
AC: Holy shit.
DR: Yeah coach is mellow today.
Lions also picked up DT Corey Williams to go along with DE Van den Bosch, would be great to add Suh to that D-line. With these pickups, though, they might try and trade the #2 pick if Suh’s still on the board and pick up Okung. I’m actually excited for a Lions draft, holy shit.
/same thing every year.
//always ends in disappointment.
///*sigh*
Why haven’t the Redskins overpaid someone $40 million in guaranteed money yet? I’m nervous.
-The Jets traded for Antonio Cromartie. CROMARTIE, YOUR NEW NAME IS MARTIEPANTS!
And the day before the Jets face the Saints, we’ll hear “MARTIEPANTS, YOUR NEW NICKNAME IS MARTIE GRAS!”
I approve of this change and eagerly await Rex’s assuredly understated and sober reaction.
Wilfork signed to a long term deal? No? Nevermind..
@bitter pats fan: Are you trolling? Or are you seriously butt-hurt because they didn’t mention Vince Wilfork signed? You were obviously already aware of the signing, and no one else gives a shit. Either way, die.
The fact that someone refers to themselves as a “Bitter Pats Fan” sets a world record for assholery.
Looks like Nate Burleson is going to Detroit as well. He’ll pair up well with…ummm…he’ll really gel with…er…
wow detroit is pretty bad.
Ed Reed’s Gloves…. I’m not a Lions fan at all, I’m a Bears fan…. but have you heard of Calvin Johnson? That guys pretty good…
The Ravens are just trying to corner the market on gritty posession receivers. The Baltimore Ravens, we run more 5 yard routes in a single drive then your team does in the whole game! At this point I’m pinning my hopes on Stallworth going deep on every play and, like, tackling the other teams’ safties.
In all honesty, I like the move but there are a lot of “ifs” involved. “If” Stallworth can return to form and be a legit deep threat… “If” not, then “if” they can draft an NFL-ready deep threat… “If” Mason returns… “If” they can duct tape Heap together for another year… “If” Clayton can step up (HAHAHAHA)… “If” Cam can rediscover his creativity… “If” Flacco can see a number other then 85 out there on the field… “If” the coaches look at the tape of the previous 2 years and realize that McClain is a better RB then FB and that the Rice-McClain combo platter at RB would be devastating… the Ravens could have a really good offense this year.
Wait….you’re implying that Calvin Johnson isn’t any good, but that Burleson is?
Do you watch football? Have you ever watched football??
When Derrick Mason takes a squirt, does Flacco stare at the bathroom door until Mason comes out?
Chester Taylor must feel like he’s made it in Chicago. Adrian Peterson is finally below him on the depth chart.
No Dunta Robinson to Atl chatter? Nothing?
Browns picked up famous-for-not-being-japanese Scott Fujita from the saints, $14 mil over three years with $8 mil guaranteed.