Name: Jimmy Richard Clausen
Nickname: Phallus Impudicus
Likes: Bros
Dislikes: Haters
Resembles: Beaker crossbred with an emu.
Previously Stated Goals: To win four national championships at Notre Dame.
Actual Accomplishments: 16-18 record as a starter, co-MVP of the famed Hawaii Bowl.
Words Most Commonly Associated With Player: Cocky, cockish, cockeyed, cocksure, half-cocked, cold-cocked, cockled, cockroach, cockatiel, and…uh…cock.
Mainstream Media Comparison: Some sort of John Elway/Tom Brady/Joe Namath hybrid (note: may be outdated).
KSK Comparison: Some sort of Brady Quinn/Jeff George/Alex Smith hybrid.
Reason He Repeated the 6th Grade (Mom’s Version): “To gain maturity.”
Reasons He Repeated the 6th Grade (Real Version): Couldn’t name the antagonist from Treasure Island, failed like George Washington at Fort Necessity.
Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: His parents hired a professional quarterback coach to work with him when he was in eighth grade. Apparently that was his reward for being so mature.
Combine Revelations: Possesses tiny hands.
Who Wants Him: The marketing departments at Abercrombie & Fitch and Burger King.
Who Will Take Him: The Redskins, because God is either dead or an asshole.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/lol-gonna-miss-you-nfl-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/scrooge-150x150.gif)
We should get in touch. Are you an active user on social networking sites like Digg, Facebook, or Stumble Upon? If that’s the case, what is your username so we will get in touch to share ideas.
I was trying to find more personal opinions on this issue this evening when I discovered your really helpful post…thanks a ton for writing this. I will surely be checking up on your blog and coming back for more.By the way since when have you been keeping a blog? :)
So wait, he didn’t do any better than Brady Quinn at Notre Dame, and you want to take him higher than where Quinn was drafted?
I don’t see how this could fail!
I hate ND more than any other team in sports. I hate this guy more. Seeing him pump his fists after they beat Washington to this picture…what a fucking d-bag. How can anyone look at this picture objectively (ND fan or not) and not hate this motherfucker? What a coddled bitch.
With that said, I think he’s a legitimate NFL QB prospect (Its a crapshoot even with “sure things” at that position anyway), but I think he is as good as any of them. He was the only decent player for ND this season. And, I buy into the school of thought that “he didn’t have an All American O-Line to protect him during his career (As opposed to most top QB prospects) and because of this he is more “NFL Ready,” I guess I buy into that
Howie Long likes that you guys are comparing your “man hands” like a bunch of pansies playing grab-ass in the shower. He’s gonna go shake hands with Troy Aikman and laugh to himself.
/looks at Clausen
//strangely wants a Jagerbomb
FMT. I am just waiting for the inevitable cock punch of watching Dumbass Danny draft Pickles here. What happened to my team that my only hope is that they make it out of the draft without Tebow or Pickles.
@JamesHarrison wtf is with your obsession with fairies dude? Seriously, is that what you call any gay or effeminate man (those two concepts are separate y’know)?
Jimmy will fail, simply because the Clausens are the bizarro Mannings.
That and I’d love to see how grown NFL men will try to “respect” a douchehat like him
Wow UM. Freakin hilarious.
If the Foreskins draft Clausen, UM, take solace in the fact that Coach HorseShanny could turn him into another Jay Cutler. Oh wait…
I bet money he’s gonna be the next Rivers. Universally hated but annoyingly effective.
At least span is well-defined. Where, precisely, does the heel of the hand start?
@bobby bottleservice’s gold jetski: Not that I know of. He’s probably taking a self-imposed exile from KSK after Manning’s pinched neck nerve caused him to choke away the Super Bowl.
I dare not mention the banned commenter’s name as he might come back like Candyman and make us all dumber.
I know both teams have a QB, but, I really hope the Giants or Jets draft this guy.
/wonders how many times Clausen fists pumps in a day.
The article on NFL.com it links to says hand span, not length. I assume that’s the pinky-thumb one, since I have 8 1/4″ length hands with a 10″ span (call me ladies!) and can palm a basketball.
I’m trying to find Shaq’s hand size/span for comparison but all I keep getting are gd junior high math problem sets that I will assuredly fail if I try.
If Demented Danny drafts Clausen, the Skins deserve to be last in the NFC East for ANOTHER 10 years.
/fixed
@ Steven
Way to be wrong in more ways than one. KSK all over River’s jock? WTF? Have you ever seen a Marmalard sketch? Does Marmalard sound like the kind of nickname you give to a guy you think is cool? The only QB whose jock KSK might be on is Brees’s, but I believe that even his day will come.
And Clausen as the next Rivers? GTFO. Rivers is a whole different kind of douche. And he’s, you know, a pro bowl QB, something which Captain Cocky Emu here will probably never be.
@ Lesticles
Who in their right mind thought Matt Ryan would be a bust? WTF? He was one of the best QB prospects to come out in years, and he joined a team with a good running game and supporting cast. That’s a borderline PK statement, right there, trying to claim some special credit for thinking he’d be good.
Actually the best thing that could happen to the ‘Skins is if they drafted cock-face. After this the L’il General would be more inclined to sell. The ‘Skins will not win a Super Bowl as long as Dan Snyder owns that team. Clausencunt is just another overrated, under-talented ND QB – really it’s not hard to see.
Remember, that picture was taken four years ago. I’m sure Clausen is still a douche, but he’s a matured douche who a. got experience playing behind a pathetic offensive line in ’07 (therefore has experience keeping his smirk under pressure) and b. has a pro arm and good technique.
I think he’s gonna be a great one. I said that about Matt Ryan when everyone thought he’d be a bust, FWIW
James Harrison: Believe me. I didn’t. It was painstaking though to listen to a description of how “penetrating the endzone” can be viewed in an Oedipal context. Blah.
/Gouges eyes out
Erik: the only site I could find that would actually tell me what they measure said that the combine’s hand measurement is from the heel of the hand to the tip of the middle finger. And yes, 7.4 still seems tiny.
Maximum hand span is another legitimate measure of hand size, but it’s definitely not hand LENGTH. I think that’s hand span. My hand span is about 9 1/4. There’s no way an NFL QB prospect has hands smaller than mine. The idea completely blows my mind.
(Don’t talk to me about your needle dick.)
Revis: Freud was a mother-fucking fairy. I wouldn’t pay any mind to what he says about football.
@jackin 4 beats – was monkey business banned?!
Oh dear goodness. I just had to read a psychoanalytical view of Football. You can probably guess where it went.
DAMN YOU FREUD!!!!!
We’re clearly dealing with different measurement techniques here.
(yeah, ABOUT OUR DICKS DUHRRRRR)
How can the average male hand be 7.4″ long? What’s the “length” of a hand? The interwebs told me that the relevant dimension being discussed was maximum span, thumbtip to littlefingertip. Are we on the same page here?
Cockweed
What’s scary is that after the success of Nacho Chimichanga for the Jets, there’s going to be at least 2 or 3 teams thinking “All we need is the next hot, young QB to get ourselves into the playoffs.”
And you know that’s the train that just passed by Danny Boy’s head. So Skins fans, you guys are likely fucked. Sorry about that.
Hey, I’ve got 8 inch hands (just measured them) and I can hold and throw a football pretty well. I don’t know if I could hang onto one after getting drilled by a 300 pound D-lineman, which will be how Claussen will inevitably be judged. Doesn’t matter if he can wing it around the field. If he gets sacked, fumbles the ball and his team goes on to lose, he will be known as the white Daunte Culpepper…with Jersey Shore hair.
/I have size 12 shoes so clearly my hands don’t define me…really they don’t
//big dick joke (giggety)
I can’t wait to see who will be the bigger bust in the NFL. This twerp or Tebow. It’s gonna be spectacular!
The average adult male hand is 7.4 inches long. That seems really small for some reason. My hands are larger than average and I’m 5’8″.
Clausen’s hands are only an inch longer than mine and there’s no way in the world I can hold the ball well enough to play QB, so I’m actually impressed he made it as far as he did.
He’s still the Gay Phillip Rivers who doesn’t even win in the regular season, but he’s overachieved to get there.
Clausen may be the first player who I hated before he even took a single college snap.
Since when has KSK Kommenters been so unironicly for QBs who “Just Win Games”?
I thought that was the stupid, easily mockable stance!
@85-
When I was in high school, our starting QB put up outlandish numbers in a pro-style set…care to guess how many D-1 offers he got?
(Hint: Less than one).
Clausen’s that guy going pro. Don’t defend him because the suck will happen.
Even if he does bust, it won’t be all for nothing. Think of all the cash he’ll make on those Burger King Double Cheeseburger commercials.
If ever a face was begging to be punched…
@Erik
So you have a small dick like Jimmy, too?
16-18 as a starter in “the offense he’ll run in the pros”.
28/4 TD/INT last year, 3700 yards, 8.8 per attempt. The kid had phenomenal numbers last year as a junior. But that defense routinely gave up 30 points per game against even average teams. 340 yards, 5 TD and no picks in a loss to Stanford.
Stop making me defend this guy. I want him to be terrible. But blaming his average record on him when ND has been shit since Charlie stepped in the door is off-base.
HO-LEE linkage Maj…
It’s no wonder Claussen grew up looking the way he does. He’s had a lot of practice being a douche.
/I love that photo
//Didn’t one of our infamous (now-banned) commenters also think another ND QB would be the shit in the NFL?
@Marmalard’s-
Hey now…let’s not steal Tebow’s claim to infamy. Clausen seems to be more on a Todd Marinovich level of suck-ass.
what a c*nt.
I thought I had small, girlish hands. Apparently they’re also 9″. I can’t fathom that there’s a quarterback in the NFL with hands smaller than mine.
I can’t quite feel comfortable holding onto the ball, either.
I know the “science” of picking out criminals by their looks or the bumps on their head is supposedly dead. But my God that face is just a neon sign screaming out: “I AM A JACKASS!! BUT THANKS FOR ASKING”.
He might be a bust of Ryan Leaf proportions.
@85-
16-18 as a starter in “the offense he’ll run in the pros”.
Why isn’t his derisive nickname Pickles? His last name is Claussen, for Christ’s sake.
Clausen is destined to be the douche who is hell-bent on ruining your weekend flag football league by being hyper-competitive.
Clausen is a perfect fit for the Skins. He has been getting killed behind a shitty offensive line for the past three years, what’s ten more years of the same thing?
Nooooooooo, no ND douche for QB! Please Danny, Please!
Its sad, any 1st round pick other than clausen or tebow has to be considered a massive success
@ Upstate Underdog – Was that the Ladies’ 4-for-1 Porterhouse night at Steak n Shake?
Man, that picture defines “douche.”
Make sure you don’t miss the douchey #7 “dog tag” he is wearing in that pic.
Say what you may about Clausen, but the ladies love him.
http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r272/ECDawg78/clausen.jpg
@GhostsoftheUpcountry – If you look only at his stats, you can’t say this asshole sucks out loud. The kid put up great numbers last year, and actually did it in an offense similar one he’ll run in the pros, unlike every other QB coming out anymore. ND sucked because you, me, and 9 other Kommenters could play defense as well as they did. That said, he’s a punk and I hope he Leafs it. For the Skins.
Like the Phallus Impudicus, after a year in the league, Clausen will be known as the Common Stinkhorn.
Wow, you sure can’t tell that Notre Dame is in Indiana, can you?
Clausen and Tebow are what the NFL would look like if every player personnel guy died and the marketing folks got to draft players…all hat, no cattle and out of the league after a year max.
His hair might not affect how he plays in the NFL, but his poor decision making and not having Golden Tate to bail him out probably will.
I love how KSK is all on Rivers’ jock
What the fuck are you talking about? Rivers is mocked endlessly here for his floating passes and his bitchy attitude.
The only way KSK could be seen as “all on Rivers’ jock” is if you mean “stomping on his balls.”
@Cutlerfucker-
Um, seriously? Did you see ND play last year? Clausen sucks out loud and is only a prospect because he played for ND. Any other school, he’s not even third string, much less a first round pick. If Demented Danny drafts Clausen, the Skins deserve to be last in the NFC East for 10 years.
I didn’t know Todd McShay wrote articles for KSK. But seriously, how does having a douchebag hair style in high school effect his ability to play in the NFL? Oh wait, it doesn’t. Fucking retards.
Can’t wait to read the bitchfest that is your article after the Redskins draft Clausen and he’s the face of that franchise for the next 10-15 years.
I love how KSK is all on Rivers’ jock, but when his identical twin comes into the league, they hate all over that guy. You know it’s a weak QB class when this guy is the best that college has to offer.
So, THAT’S what audible suck looks like…
Meanwhile, Brady Quinn think Jimmy Clausen is a bit too femme to play in the NFL.
He needs to end up on whatever team takes T.O.
The cast of the Jersey Shore likes the cut of Clausen’s jib.
Look at that picture again, and then tell me why you didn’t use the ‘gay quarterbacks’ tag.
Winner of the 2009 Most Punchable Face award.
What are those rings for? Is he going steady with every member of the Notre Dame O-Line?
Whaddaya say UM, the Skins could always take Tim Tebow, right?
He DOES look like a Beaker-emu hybrid!
I’d call him a Bemu but cock is still a better fit.
What a pickle.
You know what makes me wake up in a cold sweat? The fear that this might come true.
The false hope of the draft is all I have as a Chiefs fan. Don’t take that away from me, fuckers.
Clausen = Championships
Do it Danny!
HTTR!
To be honest, if Clausen doesn’t have Weis tucked to his hip, he’s the next Rick Mirer. Always has that modeling career to fall back on though.
Jimmy, this test is worse than Milhouse’s exam!
To be honest, I think Jimmy Clausen will be a great NFL QB. For KSK’s sake, I hope you continue being a hater.
no gratuitous Simpson refrence tag?