Name: Jimmy Richard Clausen
Nickname: Phallus Impudicus
Previously Stated Goals: To win four national championships at Notre Dame.
Actual Accomplishments: 16-18 record as a starter, co-MVP of the famed Hawaii Bowl.
Mainstream Media Comparison: Some sort of John Elway/Tom Brady/Joe Namath hybrid (note: may be outdated).
KSK Comparison: Some sort of Brady Quinn/Jeff George/Alex Smith hybrid.
Reason He Repeated the 6th Grade (Mom’s Version): “To gain maturity.”
Reasons He Repeated the 6th Grade (Real Version): Couldn’t name the antagonist from Treasure Island, failed like George Washington at Fort Necessity.
Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: His parents hired a professional quarterback coach to work with him when he was in eighth grade. Apparently that was his reward for being so mature.
Combine Revelations: Possesses tiny hands.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.