570-SaintsFans

(Lafayette Street)

Saint Fan 1: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Saint Fan 2: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Saint Fan 1: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Saint Fan 2: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Saint Fan 1: I can’t believe we’re still shitfaced!

Saint Fan 2: I can!

Saint Fan 1: WE’RE STILL FUCKING PARTYING OUR ASSES OFF!

Saint Fan 2: I don’t even know what day it is!

Saint Fan 1: I haven’t even gone back to work!

Saint Fan 2: I don’t even know if there’s still a job waiting for me!

Saint Fan 1: But who gives a shit?!

Saint Fan 2: THE SAINTS WON!

Saint Fan 1: The fucking Saints won!

Saint Fan 2: I can’t believe it! I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY AS I AM NOW!

Saint Fan 1: The Saints!

Saint Fan 2: The fucking Saints!

Saint Fan 1: Holy shit, THIS IS AWESOME.

Saint Fan 2: I never want this to end.

Saint Fan 1: This has to be the fucking greatest title celebration in the history of sports title celebrations.

Saint Fan 2: Agreed. I can’t think of a sports title meaning more to one town than this!

(door flies open)

Tommy: FACK YOU! FACK YOU! FACK YOU! Oh, how easily people fackin’ fahhhget! Do you New Ahhhhhleans faggots really think yar fackin’ gay little title is impahhtant? Well, allow me to give you a little bit of a history lesson!

(goes to jukebox, puts on Trapt record, every girl on the bar leaves)

Saint Fan 1: Who the hell are you?

Tommy: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! No one wawnts to hee-yah yar smawll mahhhket questions! YOU CUNT HAY-AH!!!!! Travel with me back in fackin’ time! It is Awktobah of 200fahhhhhh!!! And the legendary fans of fackin’ LARRY BIRD NATION have been waiting 86 fackin’ yee-ahs far a title! You think about awll the meaningful names that have strolled through Fenway Pahhhhk during that time! Freddie Lynn! Jim Rice! Rawjah Clemens! Yaz! TEDDY FACKIN’ BALLGAME, WHOSE RECAHHHHD STILL OUTSHINES THAT OF DREW BREES!

(takes off Sox hat and curls already-curled brim for no reason)

Saint Fan 2: What does this have to do with football?

Tommy: It has to do with my fackin’ cawk in yar mothah’s vaghole! Now, back to the starry. 86 yee-ahs we waited! And I don’t have to tell you about Game 6! YOU FACKIN’ SAINTS FANS CANNAWT UNDAHSTAND WHAT THAT WAS LIKE! IT WAS LIKE MY HAHHHHHT WAS TARN OUT OF MY CAWK! 86 yee-ahs! And this pahhhticulah Awktobah, we found ow-ahselves down to Jetah, A-Rawd, and those New Yark faggots 3-0! Othah teams would have folded, BUT OW-AH FANS WOULD NAWT LET THAT HAPPEN! You know what happens next!

(dips)

Saint Fan 1: Actually, I don’t. I don’t really follow baseball.

Tommy: What? FACK YOU! This is nawt just basebawll! THIS IS RED SAWX NATION DRAWMA! Dave Rawbarts steals second! BIG PAPI! THE BLOODY SAWK! FOULKE GETS THE FINAL OUT! IF YOU DON’T THINK THAT WAS THE MOST MEANINGFUL TITLE WIN OF ALL TIME, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T BE WATCHING SPARTS!

(Attends ESPN function at Sundance)

Saint Fan 2: I think you should leave.

Tommy: NAWT UNTIL YOU ACKNAWLEDGE OW-AH TITLE! Nothing could pawssibly be biggah than that! EVAH! You cawll this a pahhty? Awll I see ahhhh dahkies ready to take my fackin’ wawllet! And those chicks have tits that ahhhh subpahhhh! And look at awll the new Saints hats out hee-yah! You ahhhh nawt true fans! I’ve been a diehahhhhd Sawx Nation citizen since 200fahhhhh! WE HAD A PARADE! WITH DUCK BOATS! THE ONLY TIME YOU FACKS WILL USE DUCK BOATS IS TO RESCUE RETAHHHDED DAHKIES FROM ROOFTOPS!

(wears fingerless weightlifting gloves in casual setting)

Saint Fan 1: Just go the fuck back to Boston, will you?

Tommy: NO! Nawt until I rank the most impahhhtant title wins of awll time! REAL SPARTS FANS RANK THINGS!

1. 200FAHHHH RED SAWX
2. 2007 Red Sawx
3. ’86 Celtics. GREATEST HALFCART TEAM OF AWLL TIME! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
4. ’01 Pats! The Pats were-ah the Saints befahhhhh the Saints were-ah the Saints! Rawd Rust! Dick MacFeeeyahhhson! Tony Eason! Need I say fackin’ more-ah?!
5. ’08 Celtics. BUT KEVIN GAHHHNETT HAS BAD KNEES NOW AND THAT IS NAWT FAY-UH!

You facks don’t even crack the Tawp 5! No one cay-ahs about yar team unless I can relate it back to the Red Sawx!

(skips town before meaningful sports event actually takes place, because he’s too cool for it)

Saint Fan 2: Didn’t 106 million people watch us win it all?

Tommy: BECAWSE THEY WERE-AH HOPING TO PERHAPS RELIVE A BIT OF THE EUPHORIAHHHH FROM 200FAHHHHHH!!! You played far us! Don’t you see? You played far the awnah of Tawmmy Brady, Billy Belichick, and Dustin Pedroiahhhh! YOU GOTTA LOVE PEDROIAH!

Saint Fan 1: Bouncer!

Tommy: What ahhh do you doin’? AH you kickin’ me out? YOU CAN’T FACK WITH ME! I KNOW PEOPLE IN THE PRAWVIDENCE MAWB! RED SAWX NATION IS STILL CELEBRATING SIX YEE-AHS LATAH! CAWLL ME WHEN YOU DO THE SAME!!! YOU FACKS!