I have more pet peeves than I could ever possibly catalog, but one of the things that bloggers do that I hate most is write “Insert joke here” or “The jokes write themselves” instead of actually writing a joke. It’s like announcing to your audience that you recognize comedic potential in a story but you don’t have the time or the brain power to sit down and come up with a joke.
That’s the story today, when Pro Football Talk reported on the first-ever Raidercruise — which leaves from L.A. on May 2nd, with three scheduled stops in Mexico — with the lede “Some of the best jokes write themselves.” Well, actually, no. The jokes don’t write themselves. They magically appear online in popular dick humor forums. Join us for a Raidercruise jokekkake, won’t you?
Even the Oakland Raiders cruise knows better than to stop in Oakland.
Guests will have the opportunity to ride in extremely fast speedboats that aren’t seaworthy.
The cruise isn’t much, but it has the most expensive napkins and deck towels of any team-based cruise going.
RAIDER MILT SAY YOU A FAGGOT IF YOU DON’T USE THE CLIMBING WALL!
Guests on the cruise are hoping to be rescued by Somali pirates.
Blah! Be sure to stop by ze ship’s mandatory blood donation center! Blah! Blah!
The formal dinner on Saturday is black jersey and silver facepaint only.
“I’m Julie, your entertainment director, and GAHHHH WHY IS TOM CABLE PUNCHING ME??!!!!!?!?!!”
Grouper returns a Jamarcus Russell thrown life preserver 67 yards for a touchdown.
The food is great if you break into JaMarcus’ room.
Bruce Gradkowski will politely laugh at your Polish submarine jokes upon request.
Louis Murphy and Johnny Lee Higgins forced to play classic rock each evening solely because of their names.
Nnamdi Asomugha will cater to one passenger really well.
Al Davis is expected to trade for Philip Rivers to keep the cruise ship floating for years to come.
As a favor to Justin Fargas, Huggy Bear gets his first gig in twenty years.
Bartender Sebastian Janikowski’s specialties: roofie gin & tonic, roofie margarita, roofie Tom Collins, roofie Old Fashioned, roofie Long Island…
At least one person will die, much like every other cruise you’ve ever been on.
First mate leaves cruise before ship is out of port to take job at Cal.
Guaranteed whale watching, or Janikowski gets pushed overboard.
Robert Gallery will be used as chum to attract sharks for your enjoyment.
Watch a Mike Shanahan look-alike walk the plank every hour on the tens.
Richard Seymour will join the cruise shortly after it begins, but don’t expect him to do anything.
Al Davis is paying Carnival $80 million over the next three years for one of their decommissioned ships.
Zach Miller’s sole responsibility is to keep Jim Fassel from stowing away.
“Sure, we could try to go around that iceberg, but that’s what it expects. We’re going through it!!!” – Capt. Cable
Scenic ports of call: Tripoli, Port-au-Prince, Lagos.
Guests welcome to play football on the ship’s baseball diamond.
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|Panerai Watches
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Free paralysis and concussions on the Tatum-Atkinson deck.
Free concussions and paralyzing back breaks on the Tatum-Atkinson deck.
Boat sinks do to overload of illegal immigrants in the baseball field’s stands.
Don’t miss the dining room ice sculpture of Art Shell; it’s incredibly lifelike. I’m sorry, what’s that? The sculpture IS ART SHELL??? But that thing hasn’t moved for 3 days!!
If nothing else, Count Al will keep the ship rat-free.
It looks like someone worked up the guts to tell Count Al that his team is a sinking ship, and his senile ass decided he needs to buy one that floats. That’s clearly the only plausible explanation for this.
The cruise will suck in every way imagineable.
Anchorman Jack Tatum will ensure the boat never moves again.
It wouldn’t be the first time the Raiders left LA.
Don’t forget the evening entertainment for the more daring passengers: Barret Robbins will be leading a small party ashore in Tijuana to visit the Donkey Show.
The crack is to die for.
No, see the genius of the Raider cruise stopping in Mexico is that excludes the 95% of the Mexican “Raider Nation” who are either:
A. Too lazy to get a passport
B. Convicted felons
C. Illegally residing in the US
Yeah, I said it. As a Mexican Raiders fan who lived in L.A. for 30 years I am neither blind nor politically correct about the Southern California faction of the fan base.
/been to at least 3 funerals that featured Tim Brown jerseys
Al Davis was given the option to select his cabin before anyone else, at a significant premium.
He has now eclipsed the record for “most money paid to occupy a cargo hold.”
(Previous record holders: the owners of 100 metric tons of cocaine, who chose to remain nameless.)
Actual goal of cruise: scout a 50ft tall prospect with a .5 40 speed in the South Pacific. He’s never played football before but Al knows a born Raider and sure-fire deep threat when he sees it (in grainy black and white from the ’30s).
/uses 1st round draft pick on fictional giant ape
//offers largest rookie contract ever to get can’t-miss prospect in camp on time
This is what I get for working to hard and not watching the internets.
“In other international news, black-and-silver clad vagrants have staged an armed coup in the Mexican state of Michoacán this evening…”
The Raiders Cruise Ship will have 40 guns and attack the Disney Cruise for all their Hannah Montana DVDs (and children’s blood to keep Al going).
Entertainment director: Would two individuals capable of dumping JaMarcus from his lounge chair into the waterslide please report to the pool deck. Retrieval also necessary.
Rich Gannon will be on board as a special guest 1st mate, but he’ll be walking the plank with the Shanny lookalikes soon thereafter.
Maybe they can recommence the search for Bison Dele.
This is all a front and you know it. For what I don’t know but I’m sure Interpol will find out.
All passengers will catch the mysterious and little-known Fred Bilitni-cough.
All dining rooms are casual to the point you may leave your shirt tail out. On the Raidercruise, there is no “tuck rule.”
Does this mean a former Raider will go “Gopher” and become a House Representative?
Wait…there is a MEXICAN RIVIERA TOO?!?!? So with your beluga caviar and Remy Martin Louis XIII will the wait staff also serve you a side of wigs gettin’ peeled back?
The cruise planner considered a stop to restock at lesser known Asomugha Island, but remembered that you don’t go there if you’re trying to receive anything.
And DG for the win.
Todd Christensen mustache rides – $1 (he pays you!)
Well played, Stu.
Cuba Gooding is definitely there — he had critical rave reviews early on in his career, and it’s all been shit since.
There is a gym on board for your workout needs, and all the punching bags are life-size Jon Gruden dummies.
Except for the speed bags, which come in assorted designs (face of Randy Hanson, face of any of Tom Cable’s ex-wives, the back of Lynn Swann’s helmet, etc…).
@Otto: Jeff Garcia wants to know if Cuba Gooding Jr. and Horatio Sanz are on board.
Kathy Lee Gifford is leading mandatory “Fun Fit Sewing Time” activities in the galley every day from 4:00 AM to 9:00 PM.
@ GT “Rum, Sodomy and the Lash for everyone!”
Very, very well done.
Another commercial features Howie Long mocking other tourists:
“What are you doing for your vacation? *looks at ticket of much tinier man* Princess Cruise lines?! Sounds about right.”
More tropical than the Vikings cruise, but with three times more butt rape!
Tonight’s entertainment, in the main ballroom, will be Flubby reading from his bestseller “It was a FUMBLE”.
There is a gym on board for your workout needs, and all the punching bags are life-size Jon Gruden dummies.
Sorry, Vanilla. Were you torn between the Gay Zorro Goes to Mexico angle and the Gay Zorro is Gay approach?
Damn you Otto, because clearly it’s your fault that it took me 10 minutes to formulate that Jeff Garcia thought into a post.
The publishers of Score magazine are planning to sue Al Davis.
They came up with the idea of a “Boob Cruise” over a decade ago.
More comedy gold: http://raidercruise.com/
This sounds like either the worst cruise ever, or the best…
Rum, Sodomy and the Lash for everyone!
It was going to be a gay cruise, but Jeff Garcia bailed at the last minute.
Al Davis has a Powerpoint he’d like to show you about what a stupid asshole the last Captain was.
The cruise was originally scheduled to leave out of Oakland, only to be moved to LA after the promise of receiving a nicer port of call. Odds are that it will end up leaving from the exact same port in Oakland before it’s all said and done.
On the poop deck fans and guests alike will learn about the Raiders “Commitment to Flatulence.”
Down in the media room, there is a whole collection of Super8 videos from NFL Films which mysteriously end in 1984.
i’m going to veer off the raiders course and join the direct PFT bashing. the most annoying thing they/florio do/does is one sentence or one word paragraphs. though that’s only slightly ahead of the “jokes” about the players he doesnt like.
/robert gallery will receive major hype before the cruise, but will never be seen once he arrives.
/catch and release fishing will be paired with a shane lechler punting demonstration. the fish will be the only ones not enjoying it.
A $500 upgrade will include a dominatrix session from Amy Trask.
Jason Whitlock REALLY wants Jeff George to be the captain
The chef got a deep frier on loan from the Army that can flash fry a buffalo in 40 seconds. Al Davis responded, “Aw, 40 seconds? But I want it NOW.”
The best thing about the cruise is Al will regale passengers with his story about how he had tickets for the maiden voiyage on the Titanic but lost his ticket in a poker game. This was a few years after he was on the Lusitania but got off at the first port of call because he had a bad feeling about the ship.
“Be sure to join us for the Jeff Garcia Cruise — Just men, baby!”
A side benefit to this cruise is that while in American waters, any ports of call will have their property values suddenly lowered while the boat is docked, but in Mexico, those ports see their property values rise dramatically.
Also, a spike in crack sales. Just sayin’.
The haven’t been this many degenerates on one boat since Australia was a penal colony.
The ship will be fitted with 20 inch battleship guns that can shoot farther than any other gun in history, but always miss their target.
The commercials for the Raider Cruise feature Chris Berman doing a bad Al Davis impression and telling viewers, “Call about group rates. If you book a party of ten or more, ‘The price must go down, and it must go down hard!’”
/scans for Barrett Robins joke
well done Otto, everything is in order.
/leaves
Jamarcus Russel will be serving you his signature dish: bologna and cheese sandwiches on the finest china available.
@Sloth- But they have seats right in front of the band, so it’s ok.
“Heyward-Bey will be a guest food server for one evening, and will repeatedly drop bowls of soup onto patrons.”
Mr Heyward-Bey will be followed around by guest busboy Michael Crabtree, who will bitch to anyone within earshot about how he could do a better job if he only got server money instead of busboy money.
Bubb Rubb will wake you up in the mawnin’ cuz you sposed to be cooking breaffist or somethin’. WHOO WHOOOO!
Feeling seasick? Dr. Romanowski in the infirmary has a suitcase full of “vitamins” he’d like to show you.
For intellectuals, a time traveler will host a chat on ‘Raider Nation: The 2000s- WOnder Years’…based on the fact, that in his universe, the refs called a fumble instead of invoking the Tuck Rule. His assistant, Tom Brady, will be happy to perform any sexual favors you desire for a small fee.
Come see our band, The Marinovich Family Revue. They’re like The Jackson 5, but with a more overbearing father figure!
I love a good Raider joke as much as the next guy, but it’s really cruel that they booked Jim Plunkett’s parents into a cabin without the promised view of the ocean.
Pieces of Zombie Art Shell are NOT souviners and should be given to your steward. Rob Ryan should be avoided during the full moon unless you are a fan of Warren Zevon ot Lon Chaney.
Charles Woodson will stop by early on to sell a shit ton of shirts with his name on the back, then jump ship.
Rich Gannon was invited, but only to stand on the dock and watch the ship leave.
Also, Bo Jackson is planning on bow hunting the entire ship. If you survive, you get a free bobble-head of Jerry Rice.
The nightly lectures on the greatness of the Raiders will be given on brand new overhead projector technology along with some warbly-audioed film strips.
The boat’s whistle goes WOOO WOOOOOOOOOOO
Al Davis will be guiding the ship with a fake steering wheel and a real shotgun.