The Saints Get A Surprise Visitor
02.05.10
Drew Brees: I can’t believe it, Pierre. We’re in the Super Bowl! All that hard work from the past year, from the past FOUR years, has paid off! Now we get to take the biggest stage in sports!
Pierre Thomas: Yup.
Brees: Now we gotta take down Peyton Manning.
Thomas: Yup.
Brees: Won’t be easy.
Thomas: Nope.
Brees: Well, I have faith in Coach Payton.
Thomas: Coach Payton know what time it is.
Brees: He’s got a solid plan. I have faith in him. And I have faith in US. We didn’t come this far just to let the folks back home down. I can tell you that.
Sean Payton: Okay, men! Listen up! Brees! Thomas! Everyone! I want all eyes on me. Right now.
Brees: What’s up, Coach?
Payton: Men. You are now two days away from the biggest game of your lives. This isn’t gonna be like any game you’ve ever played. All your hopes. All your dreams. Everything you’ve ever wanted is going to be within your reach on Sunday night. Now, I know this is Miami. Big fun down here. But I want you men focused. I want you concentrating. You and I know damn well that other team has been here before and is treating this game like its all business. I need you to do the same. That’s why I brought someone special to come in today to talk to you.
Brees: Who?
(door flies open)
Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?
Brees: Rex Ryan? You brought in the coach of another team?
Payton: I know it’s unusual, but Coach Ryan here can offer us some valuable advice for beating these Colts.
Ryan: Oh! Oh, men. MEN. What a day I had down here in ol’ MY AND MY! My brother used to call this place MY AND MY because he’d see some of the pussy walking around this joint and have nothing left to say but MY AND MY!
(drinks two liter bottle of soda, lets out 9-second burp)
Ryan: Did you boys know you can’t shoot at the Hispaniolas down here? My Daddy used to get his gun and sit on his porch in Oklahoma and shoot at any Hispaniola that walked by. Can’t do that down here. And seeing some of the fiery Hispaniola pooooontang, I can see why! YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT, AM I RIGHT?
(slaps random player on the back)
Brees: Kind of.
Ryan: Ah, Mr. Drew Brees. Been waiting a looong time to meet you, boy! I’ve seen you play, and for a faggot QB, you ain’t half bad! You are one cool shit, you know that Brees? How many TDs you throw this year, Breezy?
Brees: I don’t remember, sir.
Ryan: Bullshit.
Brees: I just remember it was a lot, sir.
Ryan: He just remembers it was a lot! HA! That is cool shit. You are cold as an old shit, you know that, Brees?
Brees: Yes, sir.
Ryan: I bet the pussy just follows you around all day like a rain cloud. Even with Easter Island sitting there on your face. Doesn’t it? (sniffs) I bet you fuck girls like a cannibal!
Brees: Actually, sir. I’m married and…
Ryan: Oh! Oh! Oh, ol’ Breezy here gets himself some wifey pussy! WIFEY PUSSY IS THE HOTTEST PUSSY OF ALL! THAT’S GREAT HUSTLE!
(slaps Brees on the ass, hard)
Brees: Ouch!
Ryan: Now, why’d you go get married there, boy? Good-looking people shouldn’t get married! I only got married because I needed someone around to button my pants!
Brees: Well, I love my wife, sir.
Ryan: Look at this fella. Answering every stupid question I throw his way. COOL UNDER FUCKING FIRE. I like you, Breezy. Now, first order of business here: NICKNAMES. BREEZY, your new nickname is Ice Man! And Pierre, your new nickname is Frenchie!
Pierre: Yes, sir.
Ryan: Now, Coach Payton here asked me to come in and speak to you boys. And I said yes. And you know why? Because I love that town of yours! Everything there is blackened, EVEN THE WOMEN! I met a light-skinned black girl down New Orleans way that would light your dick on fire if you saw her! I nicknamed her Almond Joy, because she’d be great with a little bit of white and a little bit of nut in her! YOU BOYS KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I’M TALKING ABOUT!
(everyone cheers)
Ryan: Next order of business: BOUNTIES! $50 to the first guy who takes a bite out of that fucker Freeney’s ankle. AND NO PUSSY BITES! I want you biting down until you lose a crown! Also, $1,000 to the first asshole to take a shot at Manning’s knee two minutes after the whistle has blown! WHISTLE? I DIDN’T HEAR ANY WHISTLE. BLOW HARDER NEXT TIME, REF! YOU BIG FUCKING QUEER!
(chews 8 bags of Red Man at once)
Brees: Sir, I think we can beat the Colts without resorting to cheap tactics.
Ryan: Bullshit, Ice Man. I just played those fuckers two weeks ago. And we got OUR FUCKING ASSES KICKED. That Manning fucker is like a robot! A robot that can’t get decent pussy! Even the Conquistador didn’t have an answer for him!
Now, you boys here have Gregg Williams as your defensive coordinator. And let me tell you something about Gregg Williams: He is a penis. That man is just one giant fucking penis. But Coach Williams and I share a philosophy, one you’re gonna need come Sunday.
Brees: What’s that?
Ryan: ATTACK! ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK! ATTACK!
(inhales loudly)
Men, this Manning fucker will fucking kill you and eat you if you sit back. We need to send the fucking house. We need to send the whole fucking block. I want all of you ATTACKING! PURSUING! DOUBLE A GAP BLITZ! DOUBLE A GAP BLITZ! I WANT YOU TO KILLLLLLLLLLLLL!
Brees: But won’t he burn us if we blitz?
Ryan: Boy, you’re gonna get burned anyway. The only way to stop it is to make that fucker BLEED. To put the fear of God in him. To break and claw and maul. He needs to hear the hoofs galloping towards him. HE NEEDS TO KNOW THE FUCKING MACHINE OF WAR IS COMING FOR HIM AND ONLY HIM.
Brees: But how do we do that?
Ryan: There’s only one way. Men. MEN. I need you to stop being Saints. For one night. FOR THIS NIGHT, I want you to forsake Sainthood. I want you to become…
Brees: Whoa.
Ryan: A Saint has mercy. You cannot have mercy. A Saint has compassion. You cannot have compassion. A saint loves all creatures great and small. You cannot love all creatures great and small. Men, you must become SINNERS. I don’t want you men to be Mother Theresa out there. I want you men to bend Mother Theresa’s hot little skeleton over the bench and have your way with her. We play a violent game. We play a game full of sin. Full of greed and power and selfishness. And that’s what I need out of you. I need you to forget about being the good guys two days from now. I need you to forget about being America’s fucking Sweethearts and the Little Team That Could. I need you to be sinners. I need you to be men who will stop at nothing to fulfill only their most base desires. VIOLENCE. BOOZE. PUSSY. Don’t play for your city. Don’t play for your families. Don’t play for your fans. Play for that insatiable beast inside all of you that desires nothing more than its own fulfillment. On this day, I want you men to forsake niceties. And I want you to find that evil inside of you.
We all have evil in our hearts, men. There’s not a man in this room who hasn’t dreamed of killing another man, whether he’s willing to admit it or not. We have consciences that keep that evil from ever surfacing. But now. NOW. I need you to let that blockade loose. I need you to let that evil deep down inside you grow, and pulse, and break free, and come out and FUCKING MUUURRRRRRRDERRRRRRRRRR everything and everyone in sight. I WANT BLOOD ON YOUR LIPS! I WANT EVIL IN YOUR EYES! I WANT DEATH AND ANGER IN YOUR THOUGHTS AND NOTHING ELSE! WILL YOU DO THAT?
Everyone: YES!
Ryan: WILL YOUR FORSAKE SAINTHOOD?!
Everyone: YES!
Ryan: Will you renounce your humanity for just one night, AND BECOME THE FUCKING BEASTS THAT NATURE MADE YOU? WILL YOU CRUSH? WILL YOU HURT? WILL YOU FUCKING KILL?
Everyone: YES!
Ryan: Then say it with me WHO DAT!
Everyone: WHO DAT!
Ryan: WHO DAT!
Everyone: WHO DAT!
Ryan: WHO DAT GON FUCKING FISTFUCK DEM COLTS!
Everyone: WHO DAT GON FUCKING FISTFUCK DEM COLTS!
Ryan: You are!
Everyone: WE ARE!
Ryan: You men are fucking WINNERS. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. You are big giant fucking winners with giant golden cocks, and you will go out there, and you will fucking crush those piece of shit Colts, and you will fulfill your destinies. YOU WILL WIN, AND THEN WE’RE ALL GOING OUT FOR MARGARITAS AND ALLEYWAY PUSSY! I want you to beauxne some ladies! ARE YOU WITH ME?
Everyone: YES!
Ryan: FUCKING SINNERS ON THREE ONE TWO THREE!!!!!!
Everyone: SINNERS!
Ryan: Oof! That was good! I gotta go give some asshole the finger!
(licks three day old bit of frosting off of wrist)
Brees: That was different.
Photoshop by LSUFreek
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forget the father, the son, the holy ghost.
my new holy trinity is
VIOLENCE. BOOZE. PUSSY.
Rex Ryan FTMFW!!!
This is even funnier after the Super Bowl. Drew, you should write a book from his perspective.
All credit for the Sinners’ win MUST go to Rex Ryan: Best Coach Ever.
I had no idea who I was going to root for until this post. Geaux Sinners!
“There’s not a man in this room who hasn’t dreamed of killing another man, whether he’s willing to admit it or not.”
I’m a Pats fan and even I want to run through a wall for Rex. Geaux Saints…I mean, SINNERS!
Reggie Bush is a bust, unless you think Eric Metcalf was worth the number 2 pick.
Sometimes I wonder what the various real-world incarnations would think of their KSK alter egos.
I’d pay money to watch Rex Ryan read this to himself in person. He couldn’t help but laugh, right?
Hey SBCS- getting an early start or carrying over? Easy man, it’s gonna be a long day.
WHO DAT, WHO DAT!!! On a personal note, seriously ya’ll, I can see the “It would mean so much to the city, Katrina, the people” and all of the sweetheart stuff getting aggrivating, but with just the SAINTS history, give us this.
By the way….. SEAN PAYTON IS FUCKIN’ GOD!!! DREW-BRESS-IANA!!!!!! WHO DAT SAY REGGIE’S A BUST!!!! BEST O-LINE IN THE LEAGUE!!!! GREGG WILLIAMS GOT THE D IN ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK MODE!!!!
Talk all the shit you want I don’t give a fuck!!!! 38-31 Saints, I really think it’s gonna be more like 42-27 Saints but I don’t have the nuts to call that. 38-31.
Hey, Indiana Child of Corn fuck, suck one you cocksucking hoosier pussy. You’re from Indy calling New Orleans a shit hole you shitstabbing fuck? People would rather live in an IMMEDIATE post-Katrina N.O. then your faggot fucking city. WE EVEN GOT PEYTON’S DADDY ACCEPTING AWARDS FOR US YOU BITCH. Saints are ’bout to revoke Peyton’s N.O. status you dicksucking fuckhole. Who Dat ’bout to have a parade at a former N.O. boy’s expense? The Big Easy bitch, 42-27. Ok, more like 38-31,Saints, I wont let a queer Colts fan fuck up my objectiveness.
Immortal Rex does it again, BDD in the house. The SAINTS bringing that SUPER BEAUXL title home!!! At the parade Tuesday (which happens either way) I’m getting my copy of “Men with Balls” signed.
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2010/0205103mugs15.html
Everyone looka stupid!
/single tear
I don’t think I’m alone when I say that for some reason KSK Rex Ryan’s pep talks genuinely inspire me.
Is Rex Ryan avaliable for birthdays and bar mitzvahs, too?
Drew, if you were a woman I would treat you like Mother Theresa eating an Almond Joy. There is no one wittier than you (and more disgusting) on the world wide web. Congratulations good man.
I read that and now want to wrestle a bear
“Play for that insatiable beast inside all of you that desires nothing more than its own fulfillment.”
So true.
Rex Ryan probably is a fan of the new Lil Wayne rock CD
+100 to whomever had the idea of “Rex Ryan Motivational Speaker”
//WHOA
Follow me boys!
I’m taking the first fucker on the right and every other unfortunate Mother Jughumper who comes along after. Fuck the fat Humps!
Fuck em I say!
Let’s go NFC!
/drunk
I’ve read umpteen hundreds of articles here. Compared to this, they’re all Woody Paige fart noises. I’m pretty sure the Sinners have it in the bag now.
Totally fist-pumped when I saw the jump. The Saints should hire Rex Ryan to a 10-day contract as a special consultant.
/clap
Dear God, I choked reading this. I can’t wait for next season.
FUCK YES. I can’t believe it, but I had hoped for it. PLUS, with no animal killing, this guarantees a win for the Saints/Sinners! (Seeing as how every week that Coach Ryan got animal abuse involved, El Conquistador and the Jets lost.) Woo! Can’t wait to watch the bloodbath, fucking PUMPED!
A fitting end to the season for Coach Ryan. Well fucking played, BDD.
If they are going to become the sinners they need to turn their logo upside down complete the transformation.
Dreaming of a post where Double J, Sexy Rexy, Laserface and Tawmmie all sit down at the negotiating table to hammer out a new CBA.
When I saw Monkey Business link to “Ashley Manning” and it ended up being a fat hump, I thought “wow, that guy actually learned how to be funny and self-deprecating for once”. Then, of course, his follow-up post confirms that it wasn’t him who made the joke. Shocking.
…….
/headed out for Margaritas and Alleyway Pussy…
Almond Joy: instant classic.
I read this post before going out to exercise. Thanks to Rex Ryan, I felt like I could press a Volkswagen.
I cheered immediately after the jump. Too bad I was at work. “Beauxne” Fuckin’ classic, Drew. Yours is THE superior intellect.
“I only got married because I needed someone around to button my pants!”
Pepsi, meet keyboard.
Cannot wait for Rex to meet with Goodell to sort out the CBA…
Is it bad that I have the biggest laughs when I picture the normal guy (brees, wade, nacho) trying to react to the situation?
God I love these posts.
And children of the indiana corn needs to stop fellating equines
Saints, Sinners, whatever. Robot Peyton gonna benddem bitches over and send ‘em back to their shit-hole city cryin’ like mama’s boyz. Who dat my ass!
This was almost as good as tits.
Almost.
epic as ever. love the tag about him being here in the offseason. best character ever.
Wow…just wow…
didn’t see the Mother Theresa thing coming…
Can we just go ahead and name Rex Ryan Meast of the Season?
Are we sure Flubby actually changed the link? I’m no expert on MidWestern poon, but I’m guessing that chick is probably like an 8 on their scale.
Editing MB’s posts is puerile and vindictative. And damn hilarious.
There are undoubtedly things that have been better than this, but I’ll be damned if I can think of one right now.
Cheers, Drew! You are a man amongst pre fertilized eggs.
“VIOLENCE. BOOZE. PUSSY.” Pretty much a summary of every trip to New Orleans.
Fuck it, just make him King of America. He’ll straighten this shit out.
Drew Brees acknowledges that Rex’s delivery is different, but he’s willing to try anything once within reason.
Nice work BDD.
This post was only missing Rex calling someone a heauxmeaux.
God damn I love this website. Each and every Rex Ryan post I read I come away with at least one line that I will use for the rest of my life.
BDD, you fucking rule.
can we hope for a Rex Ryan draft war room post?
Off topic:
Is anybody watching this ESPN championship thing right now? I coulda swore I just heard Trent Dilfer say “You think of all the needles you put in your body”…wtf?
I have to de-lurk to declare that I suddenly want a rare porterhouse steak, a bottle of brown liquor, and to nail my girlfriend on the front porch.
The only thing missing is a Jerry Jones/ Rex Ryan Krossover, and I can die a happy man.
/…just putting it out there
MB edits are the Rex Ryan Middle Finger of WIN.
Nicely done, whichever of you is doing that. (Obviously Ape.)
Keep editing those MB posts Ape. I’d like to see how long it takes before he gives up and just humps away.
Ape’s in Miami– he has better things to do. I, on the other hand, do not.
For a minute there, I thought Monkey Turd had developed a sense of humor.
WOOOHOOOHOOO!!! My cock is so hard i could fuck Mother Theresa’s Skeleton through the wall of the tomb!
Let’s all go give some asshole the finger
Haha, did not see Mother Theresa coming in that speech… classic stuff.
The best part of MBs posts are when they get edited.
I take offense over the comment “wifey pussy is the hottest pussy of all”
Pretty sure most of us know that’s not even remotely true.
Wooooooooooo!
You better hope Rex gets canned and moves to Mexico or something. I don’t know how you’re going to continue to meet this standard.
“I like to put pens in my asshole.”
I think you for got the letter “i” between the “n” and “s” in the word “pens”
Needs more warpussy.
Is it wrong that I want the Colts to win so Peyton is seen as this era’s best QB over Brady?
This completely makes up for the Jets losing. As long as you can still work Rex Ryan into a post somehow, I’m happy.
I don’t know which I enjoyed more, Rexy’s latest speech, or MB’s whining over Ape replacing the link to his spank bank with a link to his wife. This like Sophie’s Choice.
The only way this could have been better is if Marmalard got involved somehow.
My mom says you better stop editing my posts, or she’s going to talk to the principal.
I might as well go home now; the day can only go downhill.
Violence, booze and pussy! Fucking spectacular!!
KSK Rex Ryan would make one hell of a shrink.
After using 15,000 lbs of explosives yesterday to blow up a cliff, and now reading some Rex – I’m so amped I’d fuck any woman who came within 10 yards of me.
/damnit
(door flies open)
When I see that, I know it’s going to be a great post and an even better day.
Coach Ryan Prepares a Feast probably can’t be topped, and it seemed pretty obvious that Rex was inbound before the jump, but this was still fucking AWESOME.
Between “Go! GO! Get that warpussy!” And “VIOLENCE, BOOZE, PUSSY!” KSK is really making me wish I wasn’t gay…
/Runs through brick wall for the virtual coach of the New York Jets, whom I fucking hate….