schef_mort_sportscenter

CHRIS McKENDRY: And now we turn to our men in the field, NFL insiders Adam Schefter and Chris Mortensen. Gentlemen, welcome. There’s a lot of discussion about Colts defensive lineman Dwight Freeney’s ankle. Mort, what have you heard about Freeney and should we expect to see him play in the Super Bowl?

MORT: Well Freeney was listed as questionable on Sunday’s injury report with that ligament tear in his ankle, but my sources tell me that Freeney is getting treatment for the swelling, and that despite some pain in that ankle, I’m told that Freeney will be starting for the Colts on Sunday. And also, I just spoke to–

SCHEF: So that means he won’t play, right?

MORT: Uh, I’m sorry?

SCHEF: Well, you just said Freeney was going to play. And since you’re always wrong about everything, that means that Freeney won’t play.

MORT: [stunned silence]

SCHEF: Right?

CHRIS McKENDRY: Uh, Adam, we’ve heard that Drew Brees has been–

SCHEF: No, hang on. Let’s hang on just a minute here.

MORT: Adam, I don’t think this is the place for any sort of–

SCHEF: You’ve been wrong about EVERYTHING. That’s the reason that ESPN gave me a big stack of cash to work here. And the only reason they haven’t fired you is because you still have naked pictures of Chris Berman from that orgy in the Hamptons. You suck at your job. You–

CHRIS McKENDRY: Adam, please.

SCHEF: You suck at your job, Mort. You suck at everything. When’s the last time you were right about anything? Tell me! I’m sick of sharing camera time with the great white idiot!

CHRIS McKENDRY: [to her mic] Can we go to commercial now?

SCHEF: Ask him a question.

CHRIS McKENDRY: …What?

SCHEF: Ask him anything. I guarantee he’ll get it wrong.

CHRIS: Mort…what team does Jonathan Vilma play for?

MORT: Oh, that’s easy. Uh…

SCHEF: YOU ARE A GODDAMNED NFL ANALYST! YOU ARE PAID TO KNOW SHIT ABOUT FOOTBALL! NAMES OF PLAYERS SHOULD BE RUDA-FUCKING-MENTARY FOR YOU!

MORT: Oh, that’s it. I don’t have to take this. [leaves]

SCHEF: The stage exit’s over there!

MORT: Right.