flaccid

Last week, I was surprised to learn that one reader in his mid-twenties had trouble getting and maintaining an erection. Well, that opened a door for other people with problems getting their dick hard, as you’ll see this week. Oh, and everyone who CAN get a boner on the regular can’t get laid. It’s a big bag of frustration this week!

But FIRST, let’s start with another patented KSK MAILBAG SUCCESS STORY:

You may or may not remember this, when you suggested the excellent line of “My Little Yellow Fuck Pony”.

You mean the Vietnamese chick who carries a gun? Hard to forget her, my friend.

I filed that line away and I’m pleased to report I managed to successfully use it in bed.  After a night of drinking we worked on our doggy style, which is actually kind of tricky when there’s a five inch height difference and you were drinking for five hours straight.  She was screaming something along the lines of “Fuck me harder, tell me how much you want….”.  I busted out the line “I want to ride you all night my little yellow fuck pony.”  Given that her response was scream “Yes, all night, ride me all night” as opposed to blowing my kneecaps off, I’d say it went well.  I got some nice deep scratches in my back for it, which is just an added bonus in my book.  I just wanted to thank you for your advice and that line.

No no. You deserve the credit for having the balls to actually say it. Well done. Next stop for the KSK mailbag: helping interracial couples with slavery-related dirty talk.

On the loose gun issue, I kind of backed off on it for awhile.  Then during the Super Bowl a friend “accidently” found the gun and pulled it out to look at it and play around with it.  Or more properly, I told him about the gun and he agreed to grab it during half time.  He knows what he’s doing, so no one was really in danger of getting shot.  After he drunkenly screamed “I’m Plaxico Buress” bitch and shoved the gun in his pants, Nguyen agreed I had a point about drunken morons with guns, so the weapon is now secured whenever heavy amounts of drinking are going on.  Although we did discharge some rifles during Tet, because hell, fireworks and shit like that are part of a culturally sensitive Vietnamese New Years celebration and I’m all about tolerance.

It’s practically like going to a rally on Martin Luther King Day.

I’ve already started saving up for the ring.  She graduates this summer and I plan on proposing on our 9 month anniversary or thereabouts.

Bravo. Good luck to you.

Hey guys,
Sex, or lack thereof: I’m at a business school where my class size is fairly small (everyone knows each other; gossip spreads pretty easily, etc etc). Basically, my issue is that I’m, well, let’s say half-impotent. It’s sort of a mental and sort of a physical issue that Viagra helps with but doesn’t solve. Because of the fear of my problem, I always get worried about starting relationships with girls, or even really hooking up with them in the first place, and thus I’m also pretty inexperienced. Things are steadily improving, but definitely still far from perfect; sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t, and alcohol makes sex next to impossible.

So my question is how to deal with the situation. I don’t want to try things with some girl who turns out to be a total bitch, as this is a pretty embarrassing secret if it got out. At the same time, my friends here are definitely starting to wonder what’s going on with me–why I’m so non-aggressive, etc etc. Am I worrying too much about the possibility that this sort of thing would get out if things don’t work when the time comes? What’s the worst thing that happens if it did get out? Since I don’t talk to anyone about this, I always wonder if I’m just being too paranoid.
-Johnny Softlove

I’m going to hate myself for making a reference to “The O.C.,” but… CONFIDENCE, COHEN. Assuming that Viagra is taking care of the biological side of things, your soft little wiener is an extension of your belief in yourself. Fear and uncertainty and worrying about what the kids in business school are going to say are all contributors to your flaccid wang.

Have you tried objectifying women more? How often do you think to yourself, “Man, I would hollow that bitch OUT!”? Because while that’s not the best thought to reveal in mixed company, it will help stir the subconscious drive in you — and the reality — that we are all animals and our purpose on this planet is to fuck. Go out there and pretend Rex Ryan gave your penis a pep talk. Do you wanna be the slow water buffalo that gets hunted by lions because he can’t fuck like the rest of the herd? Hell no!

Dear Sirs,
My problem is with the ladies. I am 27 years old and in good health. For about five years I went through a horrible dry spell. The only release I got was from good ‘ol Rosy Palm and the occasional washy house. Naturally I was and still am pretty into porn. For whatever reason I’ve seen a drastic turnaround with the fairer sex. I’ve been with four different women in the past few months including a decent looking cougar, an attractive blonde, and a black girl (see I’m not racist!). Each and every fucking time I have had serious problems getting and maintaining wood. On top of being extremely embarrassing and leaving me mumbling something about the meds I’m taking (Lexapro for depression/anxiety) I fear this could be a long term issue.

Now while Lexapro does have known sexual side effects, I have no difficulty getting it up when I’m jerking the gherkin. This leads me to believe that somehow I’ve completely separated sex from real life.

Yup.

After being in this fantasy world with the porn and occasional prosty it’s like I am desensitized. Last night I had a date with the cute blonde and since it was scheduled in advance I refrained from porn and masturbatory fun for over a week. Here I am thinking that I’m going to whitewash her whole grill from being so pent up, instead I found myself looking at a limp noodle.

This is absolutely killing me and is pretty much all I can think about. Now I’ve been seeing an old high school friend and I am nuts about her. It is only a matter of time before we hook up and I am mortified of not being able to perform. It has gotten to the point where the prospect of bedding a woman gets me extremely nervous.

Uh oh. Nervousness is bad. We just covered this.

I know the step I need to take: cease and desist all porno activities. I will certainly try this, but worry I am doomed to limp noodledom for all eternity. Do you think it would be wise to take Viagra or some such drug? I think I may have to the first time with the girl I like, since first impressions are everything. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Limpy

Laying off the porn can only help, but you also need to be cognizant of your masturbatory technique. If you’re jackhammering away with a tight grip while flipping between different porn movies, you can’t very well expect to have the same performance while wearing a condom with a real, live woman. And think about the reverse of the situation: how would you feel if you couldn’t get a woman off (or even wet) because she was keeping Energizer in business by going to town with a Rabbit for an hour every night?

Loosen your grip. Slow down. Your hand shouldn’t be a better option than a vagina (or a skilled woman’s mouth).

Greetings,
Long time listener, first time caller. Sex first. Married for 18 months (dated for 2-1/2 years prior), both of us in our mid/late 20’s, sex about once a month or so…and therein lies my first problem. When we first started dating, sex was frequent and very hot, but as time went on, sex slowed down and has become rather bland (more on that later). There have been stretches in our relationship where we have gone 8-10 weeks between romps, and as a guy that worships his wife, this absolutely kills me. I have brought it up with her in the past that I feel like she is losing interest in me physically, but have never been able to get an answer out of her other than her saying she wants me to initiate sex more, which I feel I am the initiator 80-90% of the time. Her idea of initiating sex is putting on something skimpy and expecting me to take the hint. Keeping in mind that I have already tried to broach the subject with her, how do I tell her that going without sex for weeks at a time sucks and makes me feel like she has lost interest in me? HELP ME HELP MYSELF!

So… you initiate sex 80-90% of the time, and you have sex about once a month…

/does math

So are you saying that you’re initiating sex with your wife about ten times PER YEAR? If my assumption is correct, then you need to initiate a LOT more frequently and insistently.

If the issue goes beyond that, you may need the assistance of a sex therapist. You’re married; you can afford to be blunt: “I’m unhappy with our sex life, and I don’t think you’re meeting me halfway in terms of keeping this aspect of our partnership healthy, and I think we should see someone who can help us.” Then you should make it clear that by “someone,” you mean a sex therapist, not a Thai hooker.

Second sex conundrum. My wife is considerably more free sexually when she has had a few drinks during the evening (everything but anal is on the table when we’ve been drinking). However, normal sex always consists of penile/vaginal contact only. In fact, she has never gone down on me/let me go down on her while sober. Only recently have I been able to make her comfortable with toys in the bed room (vibes/bullets). How do I get her to open up more during non-inebriated sexual activity? Telling her “Honey, you are a lot more fun in bed when you’re drunk” is not one of the Chevrolet Keys to Victory. It should also be noted that she has only had 2 other sexual partners, one was a long-term boyfriend and the other was a one night stand. She is my 7th partner.

Whew! You guys are goddamn ROOKIES. Did you go back in time to 1962 to marry her? Anyway, you don’t need to tell her she’s more fun when she’s drunk; just ply her with booze. And go see that sex therapist if she won’t open up some lines of communication for your sex life.

Fantasy Football. No question, just wanted to let you know that I had Breesus, Cop Speed, Welker, Gates, and Boldin but only managed to go 7-5-1 with a 1st round loss in the playoffs.
Regards,
Mike

When it rains, it pours, huh? In fairness, I could see how that could happen. If your #2 running back sucks, that could be a significant hole. For as good as Brees was, there were several times this year where the defense and running game pulled it out for the Saints. And Boldin’s tough as nails, but it’s not like he’s Larry Fitzgerald or Andre Johnson. Throw in bye weeks and the occasional bad decision with benching the wrong guy, and it’s easy to go 7-5-1.

Dear Dicknoses,
I really have no reason to seek your sage advice on my sexy issues as I am a well-adjusted, urban professional woman in my late 20s, but I am fairly certain whatever insight you may provide will be thoroughly entertaining.

Oh, well don’t do me any favors. Since you just want entertainment and not real advice, I’ll see what I can do, princess.

Sex:  For the past few months, I have been hooking up with my ex after alcohol-fueled group events (playoff weekend, Superbowl weekend, Tahoe snow trip, random dinner party, yadda yadda yadda).  We dated very seriously for eight months, and managed to maintain a close friendship after the break up, as we were friends before we dated and have the same close social circle.  He was the one who initiated the breakup and it was pretty clear that he freaked the fuck out about commitment, even though I never put any pressure on him.

OR: your vagina smells terrible and he couldn’t take it any more.

(He broke up with me out of the blue and said that he just wasn’t into it anymore. Which is understandable, but there were just ZERO warning signs – I can usually pick up on that shit.)  We never had those Determine the Relationship talks – everything we did just worked.  The first couple weeks after the breakup were very difficult.  This guy was seriously the best boyfriend I have ever had – he designed a Choose Your Own Adventure (Remember those books? They were the shit!) night for my birthday that culminated in kick-ass tickets to a Giants (baseball) game and doing shots of 1800 with our cab driver in a dark corner of AT&T Park.

Are you sure he was being a good boyfriend? If you ever chose to kill a living animal during that Choose Your Own Adventure, you would have died. Maybe that was his goal.

But good call on doing shots with the cabbie. I’m sure San Francisco pedestrians appreciated your wanton disregard for safety, O well-adjusted urban professional woman.

Our friends have mentioned (and still do) that he’s never responded to a girl the way he did with me and that they thought we would be in it for the long haul.

I have long put away my issues and residual feelings in the name of our continuing friendship.  But then he gets lonely or something and we slip right back into being a couple.  It is scary how easy and comfortable it is to go back to boyfriend-girlfriend mode after a couple (six) Coors Lights.

Wow, that’s like two beers!

I am not holding out for him to have some moment of clarity and realize that we’re meant to be together – that’s bullshit.  My quibble with the situation is that he’s not treating me like the best friend he professes me to be by pulling a modified Naked Man on me at 7 a.m. in our shared Tahoe rental.  The sex is great, so there was no way I was going to kick his naked ass out, but I was left feeling more than a little used and disrespected.  I’ve seen him manipulate and use girls before and it irks me that he thinks it’s okay to treat me like one of those throw-away skanks when the mood strikes.

He thinks it’s okay to treat you like a throw-away skank because you let him treat you like a throw-away skank.

Considering that we are both of varying degrees of Irish descent, we don’t talk about our feelings and I’m afraid that if I sit him down and tell him to stop acting like a dickfor and make up his mind, I’ll risk compromising our friendship and things will get super-awkward.  What should be my plan of attack?  Am I just being a dumb chick?  Halp.

What a crock of shit. People use their heritage to excuse bad behavior all the time. “Oh, I’m Italian, so I’m supposed to talk really loud all the time!” “I’m Jewish, so it’s natural for me to be a self-effacing nebbish.” Own up to it and realize that neither of you talk about your feelings because that would take BALLS and MATURITY. When it comes to two people who are having sex but not in a relationship, the “serious” talk about where you stand is NEVER fun and ALWAYS awkward. But the alternative is sitting around and stewing in unhappiness.

Decide what you want from this guy. Set limits. Communicate to him what you expect, see if you can find common ground that you agree upon, and then carry on with your life. I can’t tell you what you need to do exactly, but it’s my opinion that if you’re aware that you and this guy aren’t going to be together, then sleeping with him every time one of you is lonely and drunk isn’t really the best way to move in the direction of meeting Mr. Right.

Fantasy: I really can’t come up with a relevant fantasy question.  So…when will the Niners return to glory?  Seriously.  I’m getting sick of this shit.
-Single(tary)

A franchise quarterback would be a nice start.

Dear Sac Suckers,
Football First: What do you think the Niners should do with their 2 first round picks?

Fuck if I know. Trade them to the Seahawks for the finest sodomy Seattle has to offer?

Many mock drafts have them picking a RB at 13, but shouldn’t they spend the picks on more pressing needs like a Safety or Offensive Lineman?

Listen people, I’m not entirely terrible at fantasy football advice, but I’m hardly an expert on what each team is doing to prepare for the draft. But I’d venture this: who the fuck has the 49ers taking a running back with FIRST ROUND PICK when they already have Frank Gore and Glen Coffee?

Sex: So, I have been talking to this girl for awhile – let’s call her Smegan – and I think things are headed to the next level. This would be nice, but I have some anxiety because I am 21 and a virgin (have had a girlfriend before but never sealed the deal). On top of that, I am worried about getting intimate because I only have one testicle (had to have one removed when I was young) and do not know how Me–er…Smegan would respond to that. What would be the best way to broach the subject that I’m flying with only the one engine? Suggestions?
Thanks,
Mr. Uniballer

kruk

You know, there was actually a “Sex and the City” story arc about a guy with only one testicle, but I never paid attention to the show, and it wouldn’t help you if I did because it’s SEX AND THE FUCKING CITY. Anyone who turns to that show for any kind of life advice should be fired out of a cannon into a shark tank.

First of all: RELAX. It’s not a big deal. What if you met a girl and liked her, and then she was all, “You should know something… I only have one ovary.” Big fucking deal, right? She’s still got all the parts that matter. And so do you.

Dear Fucksticks,
I’m stuck in a jam. I haven’t dated since last summer (which is really no big deal), and joking about this around a group of friends lead an acquaintance who I barely know to offer setting up a double date with him, his wife, and one of their friends. I hate double dates, but I accepted anyway. I never bothered to ask what this girl looks like, but a mutual friend did some digging and found a photo of her on Facebook, and she is not attractive at all. Now I’m not the best looking guy out there so I’m not going to be a dick and cancel, but how do I handle things at the end of the night as far as making it clear that there wont be another date without embarrassing her or pissing anyone off?

Oh, well, how very kind of you, valiant White Knight!

Hear ye, hear ye! Gather round, O poets, minstrels, bards, and raconteurs! Go forth and tell the story of this noble gentleman, dateless these past eight months, who so chivalrously deigned to dine with a lowly wench barely less attractive than he! May our lords and noblemen be so kind to treat us with similar magnanimity!

Seriously dude, it’s really not a big deal to go on a single date with someone and not call for a follow-up date.

No fantasy question as I quit playing two seasons ago. I had teams in four leagues and I think three of them lost in the championship game. Too bad, because my cable provider will show real time fantasy scores on the TV screen.
-Coyote Ugly

WITNESS the restraint of this living martyr, giving up that which he loved for no apparent reason despite the siren song of a favorable cable package! O, but for the existence of a Homer or a Shakespeare to tell the feats of this god who walks among men!

Dear KSK,
So I heard you guys like success stories… I am the one you all have aptly named “Fart Boy” from weeks ago (fair enough). After reading all your comments and weeping at the numerous ways in which I was told to kill myself I have followed your advice and accepted the fact that girls do have the right to fart-it’s somewhere in the 19th Amendment. Long story short I am still with said girlfriend and am enjoying myself quite nicely… until a few days ago when I woke up with pink eye. If I had an address to send the medical bill I would.

HURRRRR hur hur!!! Yeah, I saw Knocked Up, too. Believe it or not, the most common cause of conjunctivitis is other people with conjunctivitis, not pillow farts. You can read all about it in the New England Journal of Movies Aren’t Always True.

Football: I have a sweatshirt from Superbowl XXXI (you know the one where The Kid did NOT get the MVP) and have been told on numerous occasions from peers that that is the first football game they remember watching (as it is for me). Just curious to see if any of you remember that defining football moment.
-Pink-Eyed Pete

The Kid? I mean, that WAS during Ken Griffey, Jr.’s prime, but I don’t remember him playing professional football. Hold on, let me do some math… 13 years ago… 1997 Super Bowl… was that the Packers? Too early for the Broncos, yeah?

/Googles

Oh, you mean the one Super Bowl Mike Holmgren and Brett Favre managed to win, back when the Patriots were still a joke of a franchise? Yeah, I don’t really give a shit about that one. The first Super Bowl I watched was XXII: the Broncos getting ass-reamed by Doug Williams and Timmy Smith. And guess what? For other people about my age, that was possibly their first Super Bowl, too. Seriously, sharing a similar experience with people the same age as you really isn’t Earth-shattering news.

“I totally remember where I was when 9/11 happened! Oh my God, YOU TOO??!?!!?”