Grab some weed and a box of Scooby Snacks, because we’re hopping in the Mystery Machine for this week’s draft. The idea is to select the historical mystery that you most want solved once and for all. After that we turn it over to the commenters. Just remember to wait ten picks before selecting again.
The draft order is as follows…
1. Ufford
2. Flubby
3. Drew
4. Punte [Ed. note: Punte was unable to participate.]
5. Kogod
6. Ape
Ufford: Details of JFK’s assassination
Flubby: WTF really happened in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947
Drew: Did Jesus of Nazareth actually rise from the dead?
“I’d like empirical proof that this is bullshit, so Christians can shut the fucking fuck up.”
Flubby points out that proof does little to sway the true believers.
Kogod: What happened on Marco Polo’s journey to China?
Ape: What killed the dinosaurs?
Ape: Who was the actual author/authors behind Shakespeare’s collected works?
Kogod: How was the universe created?
If it’s anything like that shitty tv show I’m going to be really annoyed.
Drew: Was Marilyn Monroe murdered?
“I always picture JFK and Joe D conspiring to kill her.”
[Ed. note: Flubby was unable to make his second pick.]
Ufford: The Tunguska event (witnessed from a protective bubble).
Estimates of the energy of the blast range from 5 megatons of TNT (21 PJ)[6] to as high as 30 megatons of TNT (130 PJ)[7], with 10–15 megatons of TNT (42–63 PJ) the most likely[7]—roughly equal to the United States’ Castle Bravo thermonuclear bomb tested on March 1, 1954, about 1,000 times as powerful as the atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima, Japan and about one-third the power of the Tsar Bomba, the largest nuclear weapon ever detonated.[8] The explosion knocked over an estimated 80 million trees over 2,150 square kilometres (830 sq mi). It is estimated that the shockwave from the blast would have measured 5.0 on the Richter scale. An explosion of this magnitude is capable of destroying a large metropolitan area.
/shreds air guitar
Your picks in the comment section. Tupac’s murder and the Voynich Manuscript are still on the board, so choose wisely.
And yes, parts of this did feel oddly familiar. Fuck.
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The real story behind the Manhattan Project.
I’m taking “where is Jimmy Hoffa”.
What really happened to Jim Morrison.
Catherine the Great. Did she really die fucking a horse?
Lemme go with what was the fate of those settlers at Roanoke Island in Virginia
I wanna know where Richie Cunningham’s brother really went.
Nazca lines – What on earth is it really for? Was it landing strips for ancient UFOs?
/hums X-files theme
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
Did Bowie and Jagger play games of hide the tip?
What really happened in the 2Pac/Biggie feud?
Are the illuminati really conspiring to take over the world and kill us all or is Tom Hanks full of shit?
Amelia Earhardt — World’s Greatest Hide-and-Seeker or Lousy Female Pilot?
The real relationship between W and Bin Laden.
How does Nicholas Cage still get movies?
Who shot first: Greedo or Han Solo?
Next pick… did Randy Savage really plow a 15-year old Stephanie McMahon?
/wrestling nerd
Is Andy Kaufman really still alive?
/no
I win!
What the fuck is the Shroud of Turin anyway?
Who shot JFK and Why?
How come Peter North was such an anomaly back in the 80s and 90s, but now seemigly every porn star shoots gallon-sized loads? Is it something in the coffee? I MUST KNOW
What happened to Amelia Earhart?
Was Mumia Abu Jamal framed or did he really kill that cop?
Did the CIA really conspire to bring crack into this country and/or create crack?
/KRS One’d
Are pornstars as good as sex as they look in their movies?
//needs to personally investigate obviously
Who was Jack the Ripper
Holy Grail bitches! Imma drink Talisker 12 out of that shit!
Poveglia Island: Haunted beyond belief or Ghost Adventures boner factory?
Who robbed GotU and Ben’s keyboards of the Control-F function?
Damn you, Otto.
i can ask you a question? like would you date me?
What was in Aaron Pryor’s water bottle?
What’s the deal with Stonehenge?
And for a real one — what were the real details on King Arthur?
What was really on those tapes the Patriots made that Goodell destroyed? (it must have been really bad, I am think along the lines of destroying all semblance of the belief that the league isn’t fixed)
Where is the Holy Grail?
Who shot roger rabbit?
Re-pick! What really happened to Elvis?
What happened to Atlantis?
Did Kurt Cobain really kill himself, or did his wife have him offed?
@Soy Sparticus: Damnit, beat me to it.
To replace my Holy Grail pick, I’m going with “What’s up with the shit on Easter Island?”
What happened to DB Cooper?
\hanging head in shame
Who took the first bite and the Donner dinner party
Is Al Davis really an undead zombie vampire from Transylvania?
what the fuck the holy grail is and where it is.
What the fuck happened to Eddie Murphy?
How many people has Ray Lewis really killed?
Robin Hood: champion of the poor, or champion of PR?
How was the universe created? And I guess how long ago too? (just to shut up the damn fools in Kansas)
How can I get my wife to do anal?
/whoops, wrong mail bag
Did Ronald Reagan’s administration create AIDS to kill off homosexuals?
Where are my keys?
Was AIDS developed by someone who hates gays and black people?
Did the government blow up the levees in New Orleans?
Is bin Laden still alive. Yoink!
:P Otto…I’n the only one to do the JFK thing.
2nd pick: Just how much strange DID JFK get? ANd from who?
Is Big Daddy Balls really that pale or were those camera tricks intended to make Ivan Carter look darker?
Was Scientology created by L Ron Hubbard on a dare?
What movie was Pee Wee Herman watching on that fateful night?
Did Michael Jordan willingly “retire” at the apex of his career to play baseball or was that a coverup for his massive gambling problem?
/Took Simmons’ choice
//Abu Jamal was guilty……you’re welcome to whoever wanted that answer.
How the fuck did Marko Jaric land Adriana Lima?
“Ape: What killed the dinosaurs?”
ME!!!
[upload.wikimedia.org]
:P Otto…I’n the only one to do the JFK thing.
Aside from the very first pick of the draft, that is.
Ufford: Details of JFK’s assassination
Did Vlad the Impaler really line roads with skewered peeps? If so, how many?.
Who the fuck are the comment ninjas at deadspin?
How many people will refuse to use Ctrl+F before they make their choice?
Kobe Bryant: Rape or Not?
Was Spring Heeled Jack real?
/Uffords pick kicked ass
@Otto-
This crappy workstation wouldn’t load anything but the comemnts. Damn you Ufford.
Who killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman.
Was Donaghy really the ONLY ref betting? Who’s right him or stern when he claims that the league demands calls a particular way?
I’d like to have a complete list of everyone in professional sports who has ever used steroids or HGH, if that’s not too much.
Who shot Mr. Burns? My guess: Tito Puente
Who let the dogs out?
Was Neil O’Donnell paid to throw Superbowl XXX?
Fake pick: what’s the deal with airline food?
Real pick: what really killed Grigori Rasputin?
Who won the 2000 election?
What happened to the Templars treasure?
@jimmy dolan
Did homosexuals create Alzheimer’s to kill off Ronald Reagan?
At the end of the Pittsburgh v Oakland “Immaculate Reception” game, is it true that one of the refs asked if there was police protection and upon being told ‘no’ ruled in favor of the Steelers ?
@ Nathan Hale: Thanks a lot. My next pick was “Brett Favre’s streak..guts or steroids?” But now you’ve wiped that one away, as well as my alternate but similar LeBron James pick.
Dude, where’s my car?
The “Tuck Rule”. Was Brady really…just kidding, we all know the call went the wrong way and the Raiders were totally hosed. Unless you’re one of the NE fans who discovered there was a football team in their area around that time.
@DeSean
Wrestling? Really? Historical, not retarded.
My pick is “Did Len Bias see the future of the Celtics in the 90s and just took the easy way out?”
Did J.D. Salinger publish any other wildly overrated books over the last 30+ years using a pseudonym?
@ El Borracho: If I’m not mistaken, he finally ended up drowning from the water in his lungs (this is after they hauled his ass up from the river and did an autopsy).
Was Jesus banging Mary M. on the side or what?
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop?
@Joe Horn’s Cell Phone
It’s still real to me, dammit.
(no really, fuck you)
Serious pick: Who fired the first shot at Lexington green?
Who’s so vain that he probably thinks this song is about him?
The Bermuda Triangle
The fuck happened the Marie Celeste?
My pick is “Was that Monkey Business’s fat, bloated, frozen corpse I saw floating in Lake Michigan last week?”
Did the RNC collude with Iranian hostage-takers in 1979 to influence the outcome of a US election?
/would explain a lot
//no poflawa
@Ben – Nice NIN reference
@UpstateUnderdog – Wish I had posted my last comment a bit quicker than yours…
What’s really inside a Twinkie?
What girls have rubbed one out thinking of me?
How did the Egyptians/Mayans build those huge ass pyramids?
EDinCali: NIN reference? Wha?
Ben: It was Warren Beatty. Hey, this draft had RESULTS! A mystery solved!
Next pick: Is the Book of Eve legit, and is the Vatican sitting on the last known copy?
Just how many prisoners (Jews and political) did the Nazi’s kill?
@porky, that same line is in the song Starfuckers, Inc
I feel this could really start major PoFlaWa, but I’d like to know if the U.S. Government really did have prior knowledge of the 9/11 attacks.
@Wudgles
Thats what I’ve always heard, but I don’t know how accurate Russian autopsy techniques were in the early 20th century.
Did the Persian Immortals really look like Japanese samurai ninjas or was 300 a little bit exaggerated?
/loved 300 BTW
What club did Elin use to rearrange Tiger’s face?
Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?
How did the Egyptians/Mayans build those huge ass pyramids?
No fucking way they were able to build them. It was aliens, I tell ya!
Were Socrates’ last words really “I drank what?”
Will they ever find a successful vehicle for Ellen Cleghorne?
This draft reminds of “In Search of…” with Leonard Nimoy. Anyone else here old enough to remember that show?
@dm72 – that’s what we’re here to find out!
Michelle Obama: shaved or unshaved?
Who in the fucking fuck was the fucking Zodiac Killer?
@DancingBaptist: I’ll make it simpler. Did the Immaculate Reception hit the turf?
How about what the fucking fuck is buried on Oak Island in Nova Scotia?
@UU: The Killer Bees episode scared the shit out of me when I was six.
Did Marlon Brando really funnel the mule like he was accused of doing back in the day?
What happened at the first Council of Nicea?
@reggie_roby’s_watch
Piggybacking on that one: Could David Berkowitz’s neighbor’s dog really talk?
WHAT DO THE NUMBERS MEAN?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
The unsolved mysteries of “Unsolved Mysteries”!
@porky1 – just checked wikipedia. warren beatty thinks the song is about warren beatty, i dont think carly simon’s ever acknowledged who it’s about though.
next up: what if the dolphins had traded for drew brees?
@Hut: It’s the templar’s treasure. BAM! Two mysteries solved.
I want to know who ate the first oyster. I know they’re delicious and all, but really, what was the inspiration behind eating that nasty-looking thing?
I’ll pick for Rolf: Did Hitler really kill himself, or hide in Argentina for decades?
He really thinks the song is about him!
@Barffalo He hid in Argentina until 1978, at which point he ordered Josef Mengele to have Steve Guttenberg killed.
The thing about both the Egyptian and Mayan pyramids is that both their bases were almost exactly same trapezoidal dimensions.
Each block of rock in the Egyptian pyramids weighed 2.5 tons.
I think the history Channel or Discovery had an episode on the theory that the pyramids were built by aliens.
I’m an engineer, so I’d like to think that there’s a logical explanation for pretty much anything in the world. This one just defies the imagination, that’s all.
I need an accurate history of human settlement in North America
Jim wants to unlock the mystery of “the stranger”. Does it really feel like someone else is doing it?
What happened to Hale Boggs’ plane?
@reggie_roby’s_watch: Well we know who the “other” zodiac killer was…[en.wikipedia.org]
@UU: yeah that show was nightmare fuel for me when I was young. Nimoy was perfect for it.
Where is the world in Natalee Holloway and why haven’t her killers been arrested?
/Nancy Grace’d
The Dyatlov Pass Incident
[en.wikipedia.org]
What knowledge was lost during the Dark Ages – could we have flying cars by now? We won’t know! Goddamn Visigoths and whatnot.
who knew what about Pearl Harbor before it happened?
/reads an unusual amount of history
@UU
Fuck yeah! I loved that show!
My pick- Joseph Smith: real prophet or practical joker extraordinare?
The hell is that smell?
Did L. Ron Hubbard actually create Scientology as a big joke?
/Xenu I hope so
Due to IE problems, I missed the first 100 or so picks in the draft, so I’m going twice (based off of some other cool responses)
1. What the fuck do the lyrics to American Pie *really* mean -and-
2. I’d like to know the entirety of the contents of all of the hidden/restricted vaults and libraries at the Vatican.
Does P = NP?
What is the explanation for Journey’s popularity?
I’d love to know what really killed King Tut. I don’t believe that malaria bullshit.
How DO they cram all that graham?
Why did the Maya really abandon their cities and retreat into the Jungle?
Fuck me, I’d forgotten all about the Dinosaurs show. Nice pull.
I want to know when and why the fuck the people of the Southern United States decided to butcher the English language and turn it into unnecessarily overdrawn slang fit for goofy tilt-a-whirl operators.
Who REALLY shot JR?
And In Search Of kicked ten kinds of ass back in the day. MAde Sunday afternoons without football livable before cable.
@ Stevie J’s-
Um, fuck you and stop reading Faulkner. True Southerners speak English influenced heavily by Elizabethan English. And most chicks find guys with the accent fuckable as all hell.
Is Jay-Z’s marriage a sham? (is there still hope I can make sweet, sweet, unsatisfactory love to Beyonce!?)
What was stored at the Library of Alexandria, and when/why was it all destroyed?
Does no really mean yes?
/Roofie’d
Was there something like a global flood that led to the various flood myths worldwide? If so, was there a more advanced civlization at the time that would explain the similarities between the pyramids of Egypt and Central America, among other things?
How many women has Wilt Chamberlain been with, really?
@Farthammer – methyl cellulose
What was the “Wow” transmission?
Was Super Bowl III really fixed? Only Earl Morrall knows…
The Bermuda Triangle
That one’s easy – complete scam made up for profit. Absolutely zero evidence of anything strange or out of the ordinary.
Did Hillary Clinton have Vince Foster murdered?
/whitewatered
The existence of the Loch Ness monster. With the possible use of a frog exaggerator.
Loch Ness
VALUE PICK!
Who was responsible for the Tylenol poisonings in 1982?
@KP: Fuck me senseless. 158 comments in I thought I had the steal of the draft.
Okay, how about “Do Aliens exist?”
@player2bemaimedlater
Holy shit- that is a fucked up story- definitely would take that one ahead of most.
What happened to Anastasia/did she survive the murder of her family.
Just how crazy was Mary Todd Lincoln?
Was Howard the Duck just a deliberate bomb by George Lucas to create a massive tax write-off, rather than continue to crank out Star Wars movies just to pay the bills?
Who got Padma Lakshmi pregnant?
Sorry Stu, that was weird. Sasquatch is still out there (OR IS HE?!).
Donkey Boner!
Why did Doogie in Richmond disappear from With Leather?
I mean before every other commentor disappeared?
Is Johnny Weir a homosexual?
How the hell did the Hasids corner the market on diamonds? And why they fuck do they wear those goofy looking clothes. ESPECIALLY IN THE SUMMER!?!?!?!
Who shot Tupac and Biggie?
Is Dan Brown really retarded or does he just write retarded novels that cater to retards/the Palin’s?
@jimmy dolan: Did you see that flaming commercial for his new reality show this morning too? Totally fierce honey!
/two snaps in a Z formation
Was it necessary to drop the atom bombs on Japan to force them to surrender, and was it as fun as it looked?
Who was Deep Throat?
/hasn’t really kept up with current events.
What was on the missing 18 minutes on the Nixon White House Tapes?
/Watergated
Was Dave Chappelle really driven to walk away from millions of dollars and a hit TV show due to harassment from The Black Crusaders (Oprah, Bill Cosby, Louis Farrakhan et all)? Chappelle’s Show is still funny as shit.
What’s in the bawwwwxxxxxxx?
Surprised no one has asked about Bigfoot yet. I personally don’t really give a fuck, but still, kind of a value pick. So…
Bigfoot?
Value Pick – final location/resting place of Noah’s Ark, and a complete up-to-date translation of territories and names, of the entire world, starting from when the first caveman went “Ugh. This place awful. We call Detroit, or possibly Indianapolis.”
who is the Zodiak Killer?
WTF happened to the neanderthals
Is there any female left who hasn’t screwed Tiger?
Was Claus von Bulow guilty?
Where exactly was the beef?
Why did Dave Chappelle go crazy, hang out in Africa, and cancel his show??
How did the Aborigines in Australia manage to cross open ocean beyond the sight of land 65,000 years ago and then completely abandon any and all technology needed to accomplish said feat?
What’s in the briefcase in Ronin?
Who was in the Nijvel Gang and what the hell were they doing?
[en.wikipedia.org]
The Pioneer Anomaly
/Einsteined
@dm72
There’s a theory that the bricks used to build the Egyptian pyramids weren’t cut from quarries but were actually cast in situ. A professor of mine at Drexel is actually working on it. It makes a shitload of sense.
@MrsPotatoDick – what’s in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction?
Who killed rock and roll?
WTF happened to the Knights of Templar?
Who the fuck were those guys about 103rd? Word!
Surprised the Philadelphia Experiment is still on the board.
Did Andy Rooney secretly kill Ed Bradley so he could keep that inane commentary bit on 60 minutes?
BUT WHY???????????????????????
MakeSomeNosie: Good one.
Another value pick: Who built/created Stonehenge?
Who is buried in Grants’ tomb?
/wins $100
Missed a few hundred picks, so I’ll go for a make-up.
Sifting through the dregs… who ACTUALLY has primacy in the Middle East
AND
Who’s Mona Lisa?
What in the fuck was the Bloop sound?
[en.wikipedia.org]
Where are the snowdens of yesteryear?
Why’d the Lusitania go done so easily? Did it have illegal explosives on board trying to sneak past the German blackade into England?
Who is behind the NFL-wide conspiracy to not draft Tim Tebow in the first round?
/Peter King
I’ll take the solutions to a.) the Beale Cipher and b.) the Kryptos sculpture at CIA headquarters
I’d like to know what Jesus would do. We keep asking each other, but how about an answer from the source.
Unsilent Majority Says:
February 19th, 2010 at 1:17 pm
“What was in Aaron Pryor’s water bottle?”
Asthma Medicine.
I’m further endorsing the pick of “why can’t people use ctrl-F before typing?”
Will anyone ever care about the Texans?
How big is Shaq’s dick?
Where the fuck is Dave Chappele right now?
Crop Circles… wtf?
Big foot? What’s his deal?
Where are the 116 pages?
What the hell is dark matter?
Who is Kenneth, and what is the frequency?
@Zack +22
Where was that stooped and mealy-colored old man I used to call poppa when the merry-go-round broke down?
Balls!
@piratesloth, triple that motion
@wooderson, have you been to australia? It’s got really hot girls with great accents. I’d never leave!
What about is global warming real or some bullshit al gore invented like the internet?
When will Tom Cruise and Mike Piazza come out of the closet?
My final pick – what’s Peter King reeeeeeaaallly like? I like to imagine behind closed doors he’s part Marmalard (KSK version: BITCH BETTA HAVE MY LAAAAATTTE! What, huh, what?) and part the NAAFP from Family Guy (horrible video here – [www.youtube.com])
Is the NBA post-season rigged? Oh, wait, that’s not a mystery.
chicken or the egg…
/chicken
//egg
///shit
Will the Marmalard clan out procreate that crazy ass family from Arkansas?
How much coke did W do before he found the lord?
Did Paul die and get replaced by William Campbell?
Is brazil really filled with clones of Hitler? What? …. I heard that somewhere
Where is Barack Obama’s birth certificate?
/birther’d
Is Project Blue Beam for real?
What about Skunk Ape?
[www.youtube.com]
And finally . . .
Will Nibiru be the end of us all in 2012?
Where da white women at?
/Saddled
@zack & whowillsexmutumbo
berry berry ho ho!
The fates of all those GIs that went missing during the Cold War
Does Larry Craig spit or swallow?
What actually happened to Sonny Liston?
I’ll take, “How was Coral Castle really built?” Coral Castle
were white people really created in test tubes by the black muslim scientist yakub?
VALUE PICK
Why did the USS MAINE blow up?
Did Cobain kill himself or did Courtney Love do it?
Why the fuck does Wanda Sykes have TV show?
What the fuck is happening on Lost.
What the fuck is happening on Lost
SUPPLEMENTAL PICKS cuz I pulled a Minnesota Vikings and didn’t realize there was a draft going on
What is the real 3rd prophecy of Fatima?
Did Jesus and Mary Magdalene really get busy? /Dan Brown’d
Are the Mason’s really in control or is this just another false flag to conceal who really runs the world? /Nick Cage’d
My brother says, “The West Memphis three”.
why don’t you tell us what REALLY happened?
//Nice Guy Eddie’d
What’s really in The Lost Ark.
What *won’t* Meatloaf do for love?
@ The Avatar
Glorious.
Did Lenin die of syphilis?
Where the hell is Osama Bin Laden? Is he alive? Can we get him?
What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
What the hell happened in “The Sopranos” after the fuckin’ blackout
/still pissed
One more: Did FDR know about the Pearl Harbor attack plans before it happened?
Who has the real legitimate claim on Israel/Palestine? If anyone?
Did domestic terrorist, William Ayers, write Barry Soetoro’s first book…
Does Joe Biden ride the short bus to work?
Is Drew a big pussy for leaving out Mohammed from his derision?
Damnit, you have a history draft, and where am I — at a damned historians’ conference. All the obvious picks have been taken, so I’ll go with: Did the Shang Dynasty Chinese make contact with the Olmecs ([www.chinese.tcu.edu])?
@UZH: No, Catherine did no die having sex with a horse. That was Prussian propaganda.
Did Michael Jackson really sexually abuse kids?
What were the real motivations behind the assassination of Gaius Julius Caesar?
How many bitches has Tiger Woods boned?
/like getting to the center of a tootsie pop
//the world may never know
Will Buddhism straighten out my slice?
Did Milton Berle really have a ginormous cock that he would use to savage would-be actresses with on the casting couch? One so big, in fact, that it needed it’s own building permit?
@Dulyx
I don’t think it would take a whole lot of time to crack that case.
Was Sarah Palin born with a penis?
Where’s Waldo?
Crystal Pepsi?
Whatever happened to Larry Rako?
why would anyone still read deadspin?
Ginger or Mary Ann?
Who knocked up Suzy Kolber?
Where the fuck is Jimmy Hoffa?
Where the hell is football? It’s Sunday, i turn on the TV and I get skiiing.
I read through all of them and this one stuck with me most.
“Next pick… did Randy Savage really plow a 15-year old Stephanie McMahon?”
Can someone please elaborate if this is a rumor?
What are the Mothmen?
@Tim Seriosly what happened to Dooginrichmond? He made me laugh early and oftn
Did man really land on the moon? or was it on a movie stage?
/steal of the draft
@ Brandon , the USS Maine blew up as a result of a spark in the coal bunker, wich over heated and went kablooey.
@cakenpunch, I was a bartender there for a bit, it was glorious, and I did not get laid once
\hangs head in shame
Did Tiger really hammer that Perkins waitress and if so, what position did he utilize to actually achieve his nut bust?
/disappointed in self
Dude, what’s my tatto say?
Why does Mars need women?
why does my wife not want sex 24/7 like me?
What happened to the crew of the Mary Celeste?
@Make Some NOSIE!: The Ark is on top of Mt Ararat.
What happened to John Brisker?
Well, if no one is going to go anymore, I’m just gonna keep drafting.
When did Raoul Wallenberg die?
Was Michael Jackson really black?