For today’s mock draft we’re selecting scenic destinations within the continental United States. The topic came up when I expressed my opinion that Pebble Beach is the most beautiful place in America. Ufford quickly castigated me for thinking a place best known for its golf course and mansions could be on par with the country’s finest national parks. But what can I say? I’m incredibly shallow and I really like golf.
The idea is simple. You get one day at the geographic location of your choice, equipped with a four wheel drive vehicle and any supplies that will fit therein. Make your picks in the comments, but please wait for ten other commenters to pick before you go back for seconds. Oh, and the first person to take a Hawaiian island gets to wear the Big Daddy Dunce Cap. The draft order is as follows…
1. Flubby
2. Ape
3. Maj
4. Uff
5. Drew
6. Punte
Flubby- Badlands National Park
“It’s like going to Mars– only slightly less remote.”
Ape- Yellowstone
Flubby says it smells. Plus the park ranger always struck me as a bit of a dick. If a bear wants to help himself to a picnic basket I say that’s his right.
Maj- Pebble Beach/Carmel
Basically 17 Mile Drive.
Uff- Joshua Tree National Park
“A sanctuary from the hell of living in Twentynine Palms. I could leave behind a base of 15,000 Marines and in twenty minutes be climbing a rock on another planet.”
Drew- Grand Canyon
“I hear it’s pretty. And quite vast. Also, I can go there with Danny Glover after he’s saved me from being accosted in a sketchy part of LA.”
Punter- Death Valley
Punter- Pacific Coastal Highway
I’ve never been entirely sure which parts of Highway 1 are considered the PCH, but I know it’s quite lovely.
Drew- Grand Tetons
Reed: “When I was at the Grand Tetons my wife thought I was crazy because I took a picture of a buffalo turd that was size of a small wedding cake. I put my wallet next to the turd so there would be a frame of reference for the dozens of people I showed the picture to. ”
At this point in the draft we became sidetracked when Drew shared the following exchange from a Bill Simmons chat.
Reader: Really Bill? Ali coming back to win the title after being banned from the sport for religious convictions that prevented him from serving in a war that continues to effect the course of American history today, “comes close” to Tiger missing 5 months for a cavalcade of bimbos and a staged sex rehab?
Simmons: Here’s the big difference though: Everyone was rooting for Ali. He never came even 10% close to facing the scrutiny, vitriol and 24/7 news cycle microscope that Tiger will face.
I don’t think he’s ever been more wrong about anything.
Reader: Yes, I’m certain that in the early 1970s, a black man who refused to be called by his “slave name” was far better received by white America than Tiger is received in America today. Certain.
Simmons: You don’t know your Ali history. it’s true that White America was against him in the mid-60′s, but that shifted as America turned against Vietnam. By the time of the Ali-Frazier fight, Frazier was the “old guard” rep and Ali was the “new guard” rep. He had everyone under 35 rooting for him.
So it’s gone from “everyone” to “everyone under 35,” which is totally the same thing. Oh, and it’s also total bullshit.
Ufford- Steamboat Springs, Colorado.
“Perhaps not the best pick strictly in terms of natural beauty, but a day of snowboarding followed by a dip in natural hot springs sounds pretty good right now.”
Maj- Bandon, Oregon
Totally different than Pebble. This has golf and the Pacific coast, but…I don’t know how to finish this sentence. It’s just different!
Ape- Clingmans Dome – Appalachian Trail
Ah yes, the eastern portion of the country.
Flubby- Mammoth Cave National Park
Flubby’s gonna find so much guano.
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@Philthy Phil – GHEAAHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!
I was also raised to grow up and leave Lawton… How could you forget about Lake Lawtonka?
@Slash – Dead on about the strip malls, but don’t forget about the huge-ass cross
I’m behind on this, but Half-Dome always reminds me of what was likely the snarkiest park ranger I’ve ever met, who was asked “What happened to the rest of the Half-Dome??” His response was to run outside, fall to the ground in Charlton-Heston-”Planet of the Apes”-fashion, and yell “IT WAS JUST THERE YESTERDAY!!!”
As a Washingtonian, I’m taking Lake Chelan as my obligatory homer pick.
For those who like complete isolation and a getaway from the “real world” — Big Bend National Park, Texas. Not only is it hundreds of miles from any semblance of civilization, it has parts which resemble an alien planet on which Captain Kirk might kill some aliens….or bang them.
Valley of Fire State Park outside Las Vegas.
As New Jersey trash, I vote for Lake George and the Adirondacks. The only thing better than their mountains are their chairs. Oh, and their fatal tourist boat accidents.
“there’s no point in going that far North of New Hampshire anymore”
samerochocinco: Pay a visit to The Balsams…
I used to live in Steamboat Springs. It’s essentially proof that god exists (and loves weed and beer).
On the same token, I’ll take Bridger Bowl in Montana. Cold Smoke Snow, yo.
oops….
Spring — Orton Plantation (Brunswick County, NC)
Summer — New Harbor/Pemaquid Point, ME
Autumn — Lake George, NY
Winter — Siesta Key, FL (Crescent Beach)
Late picks:
Spring:
New Harbor/Pemaquid Point, ME (August)
Red Rock Canyon, Las Vegas, NV—killer bouldering, hiking, scrambling and the distinct possibility of running across a dead hooker or two…you know, if you’re into that kind of thing
Damn, everything got taken, but UIguess that’s what happens when you’re 4 days late to the party.
Anyway, the steppe-like area around Pinedale, WY, go out in a 4×4 and you’re all alone in the wilderness with a great view of the Wind River range.
Great call on Multnomah Falls. On that tip, I’ll take Portland, Oregon’s 452 square-inch Leprechaun Colony of Mill Ends Park.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mill_Ends_Park
Since Crater Lake and Mt. Hood are already taken (multiple times), this Oregonian will pick Multnomah Falls as his homer pick.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Multfalls.jpg
@Boatdrinks – The best part of driving on I-84 through the Columbia River Gorge is seeing the windsurfers from the freeway.
Hattiesburg, MS.
Let’s see if I can do this in five….
1) Fair Haven Bay (or Little Sodus Bay) on Lake Ontario, south shore. THe fun, the sun, the sailing on a beautiful summer day makes “One Particular Harbor” by Jimmy Buffett entirely accurate.
2) The Keys, by boat. “Boys in the band ordered BOATDRINKS….waitress I need two more BOATDRINKS…”
3) I love San Francisco’s scenic areas… Marin, the Bridge, the Bay, the Wharf. (Since Carmel, 17 mile and PCH are taken)
4) Painted Desert in AZ outside Flagstaff and Grand Canyon. Since those and Sedona are taken. Haven’t made it to Canyon to Chelly yet..
5) Did I miss seeing Hood River in Oregon on the list? I loved seeing the crazies on Windsurfers, parasailers etc. on that wild water.
6) And fall / leaf peeping in Vermont is incredible.
Some places I want to get to : Flathead Lake Montana, Yosemite, Boundary Waters, Glacier Nat’l, Mount Rushmore, Grand Tetons, …oh Bucket List.
For the record 289 is really the only one I trust in this draft.
The Skyline Drive in Shennandoah, VA and the view from the top of A-mountain in Tucson
Big Holes With Beer National Park
The National Seashore in Cape Cod.
I always thought Ali was universally considered to be a jack-ass. Thanks for the history update BS.
Larry Holmes thinks Easton, Pa is effing beautiful.
How the hell have we gotten this far with nobody mentioning Redwoods National Park? Talk about a draft steal.
Bong State Recreational Area
http://www.dnr.state.wi.us/ORG/land/parks/specific/bong/
Yay, Wisco!
garden of the gods in colorado springs, colorado
Bourbon Street – who said scenic had to be nature.
Boston/ Ouachita Mountains, AR. On a cool day, you can see the steam from the hot springs rising through the trees. Bitchin.
No one for French Lick, IN?
Great Smoky Mountains National Park would have been my first pick. Gorgeous, and a lot closer to us than all of those places out west.
Damn, Glacier’s already been taken. I got nothin’.
Can I pick ctrl-F as my scenic spot?
For my next pick, I take Indianapolis.
And now that I own it, I can burn it down.
Mount Whitney summit, CA.
The Whitney Portals are nice but I climbed to the summit during my senior year of 1979. The view went on forever. I swear I saw Nevada. As Rodney on the Rock used to say: “It was total Godhead”.
http://www.destination360.com/north-america/us/california/mount-whitney
Paterson Falls, PAterson NJ. Includes bonus statue of Lou Costello!
Since I missed the first 10 rounds:
1. Trail Ridge Road (during the times of year it is open)
2. Enchanted Rock (outside of Austin, Texas)
3. Any flotable river between May and September
4. The Bottoms (heh heh) in Washington state
5. Mt. Evans in Colorado (the drive, and the lake half-way up)
…and while I’m sure someone has chosen it, Lake Havasu during any time of year where the co-eds decide to get buck naked and boat-hop. Spring Break is usually a little crowded, but other than that…Jeezum H. Crow. Money.
Hurricane Ridge in Olympic National Park, on a clear day you can see across the strait of Georgia to Victoria BC
Whoever didn’t choose Crater Lake loses.
Not only is it fucking beautiful, but it’s in the crater of an extinct 7,000 foot high volcano.
http://www.bergoiata.org/fe/various/Oregon_Crater_Lake_03.jpg
http://veimages.gsfc.nasa.gov/16342/ISS006E15238_Crater-Lake.jpg
http://ic.ucsc.edu/~rocks/eart005/Igneous/Crater_Lake.jpg
There’s a reason the Pacific Northwest Indians thought this was sacred ground.
Here’s the winner: Canyon de Chelly, on the Navajo Reservation. The history consumes you. Look it up, seriously.
Late to the draft, will make a few picks:
1. Fisherman’s Beach, Nantucket, MA
2. Outer Banks, NC
3. Muir Woods, CA
4. Ichetucknee Springs State Park, FL
Blue Ridge Mountains Range just outside of Bristol, VA.
Killington, VT. I just love it there.
Homer pick – Kohler/Haven, WI. 5 phenomonal golf courses(PGA this year) and the Kohler spas.
@289
The salt flats are not kick ass, they are just 40 painful miles separating Utahns from gambling. And that fucked up cement tree in the middle of the Salt flats sucks ass too, where is a cement lumberjack when you need one.
@sweet Lou
Gutsy pick with the Angel’s landing in Zion, I just loafed in my shorts thinking about going up those chains again.
And for my second pick I will take Little Cottonwood Canyon in Utah, free skiing for life.
playboy mansion FTW
@OJ Incandenza – used to live in Miami and did that drive a few times. And the pie…mmmm. Gotta love the creampies…oh wait, you meant key lime
@Slash – I know your pain of growing up in Oklahoma. What city were you in? I was born/raised in Lawton…bleh.
Maybe not as great as some of the early picks, but the “Grand Canyon of Pennsylvania” in Tioga County is stunning:
Breesus Christ. The Grand Canyon of Pennsylvania is the Corn Palace of Canyons. I’d take the GG of Yellowstone, the Tuolumne or Drew’s asscheeks before describing anything in Pennsylvania as stunning.
Gino- Lemon tree was in Shelbyville but I love the pick
My pick is Havasupai Falls
http://www.amphi.com/teachers/brobeson/images/2458A046585546659F61D42324E63685.jpg
Whoops. Forgot to fulfill my tag. Places you fuckers are idiots for not picking.
- Monument Valley: mind blowing scenery and epic levels of poverty that were forced on the Navajo by governmental land acts and the demon water? FUCK AND YES.
- Antelope Canyon and Lake Powell: Nature makes kick ass shit and then we fill it with water to party. Nature then kills interlopers. We still party.
- Mt. Rainier: When it finally blows it’s gonna take Seattle with it, which is nice.
- The Great Salt Lake: Psych. That place already blows. The salt flats are kick ass to drive on though your car will immediately rust and you’ll never get rid of all the salt.
Big Bend. Late round value pick!
hmmm, Mt. Rainier. BTW anyone who put Mono lake has no sense of smell and/or are an entomologist.
Maybe not as great as some of the early picks, but the “Grand Canyon of Pennsylvania” in Tioga County is stunning: http://trifter.com/usa-canada/pennsylvania/grand-canyon-of-pennsylvania
/Mentioning the Corn Palace in the tagline reminds me of the time I convinced a bunch of buddies to drive an hour out of the way to see the Corn Palace while we were hunting prairie dogs
//Two years later they started to talk to me again
Since it’s near me…
Crater Lake, Oregon
Santa Barbara, CA FTW
Fitty… you’re third in line with Glacier National….
I’d make another pick… but why??
Holy fuck, picking Badlands first is like drafting Tim Tebow first overall and trading your next 20 picks to do so. You could be on the third day of the draft and still pick up the Badlands as a free agent. Badlands refuses to take part in the combine. Badlands offers nothing you can’t get 20x better some place else in the states.
I’d love to see Springfield. They’ve got mountains, forests, ocean, lakes, rivers, a gorge, desert, alkali flats, the Murderhorn, a perpetual tire fire, a lemon tree, a spot where five states border on each other…
If a fictional cartoon place doesn’t count as being in the contiguous United States, I’ll take Mt. Hood in Oregon. Beautiful. They used Hood’s Timberline Lodge for the exterior shots in “The Shining”.
@Jeff Georgeous, no sir, I have the steal of the draft.
The 16th at TPC Scottsdale. THAT place is “scenic” this time of year.
Epic fail…that should say SEDONA, AZ
(dick_gozinia: You’re thinking of Sedona…great call no matter how you say it. Although Sonoma is California wine country, so that’s ok too…)
Las Vegas Strip, on a summer night.
Narrow it down, you say? Ok, the fountains at Bellagio.
Sonoma, AZ
I can do without the new age shit, but it’s ridiculously beautiful there.
Biscayne Bay, FL. I’ve never seen water so blue.
Big Sur in California. Watching the waves and sea lions was one of the best images of my life.
And since I’m late, I’m also going with Coconino National Forest out by Flagstaff, AZ. It’s got a little bit of everything.
No Glacier National Park!? Going to the Sun road is the best drive in the world.
Siesta Key, FL. Amazing white sand beaches.
Acadia National Park, Mount Desert Island, ME
The Sea of Tranquility.
Because the moon is part of the United States.
I always thought Ape looked like the kind of guy that would play a stalker in a Lifetime movie…..I mean look at this guy
http://www.kirotv.com/news/22681951/detail.html?hpt=T2
@Orange Julius Page
Good call, done the road trip from nola, it’s a great destination. Just avoid around spring break.
As for me.. Christina Hendricks’ bedroom is pretty scenic, right?
Destin, Florida – One of the up and coming beaches on the (superior) Gulf side of the state. Not yet totally overrun by tourists and other assorted d-bags
Oh but there are assorted d-bags, Page. And most of them are stationed at Eglin.
I select Darius Heywood-Bey
I’ll take the steal of the draft: Glacier National Park in Montana.
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_NjUov1-0KnU/SxLCZDiqW_I/AAAAAAAAKKw/JqPLQM5kaUs/s1600/glacier-national-park-montana+near-iceberg-lake.jpg
Key West, FL.
Because it’s about as far as you can go and still be in the Lower 48 (getting there is half the fun!) and because ain’t nowhere else better to roadtrip than the South in general.
Oh, and apparently there’s pie.
Adirondacks
So I have a beach and the mountains now. Now all I need is girls, money, booze, weed, cars. houses……
Steamboat Springs is awesome – Strawberry Park after dark is another world. No kids, clothing optional, nothing but you, beer, the stars, and the occasional couple having sex.
Since I already live in Hawaii I’m just going to laugh at all the picks and go to the beach for the afternoon.
/loads cooler
//calls girls
///mailbag submission time
Destin, Florida
One of the up and coming beaches on the (superior) Gulf side of the state. Not yet totally overrun by tourists and other assorted d-bags, yet close enough for some hot FSU coeds to day trip.
http://destinjollyroger.com/db4/00363/destinjollyroger.com/_uimages/Destin.jpg