riverslt

Philip Rivers: WHAT? HUH? WHAT? DON’T MAKE OL’ LAZYFACE SAY IT!

LaDainian Tomlinson:I got cut.

Philip Rivers: HAHAHAHAHAHA YOU SURE DID! CUT JUST LIKE THE WIFEY’S MIDSECTION WHEN THE DOCTOR NEEDS TO RETRIEVE THE NEWEST PRINCE LASERFACE!

LaDainian Tomlinson:

Philip Rivers: Awwww. WASSA MATTA!? Dry those eyes, LaFutureLion. Think about it this way: at least someone got to do your gay dance in the playoff game you cost us.

LaDainian Tomlinson:

Philip Rivers: Too bad it was Shonn Greene! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

But seriously, your performance was sickening.

LaDainian Tomlinson:

Philip Rivers: Your swishy club video said you can read the defense. But did you read the writing on the wall? EVEN YOU KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN! IT WAS SO OBVIOUS NORV SAW IT COMING!

LaDainian Tomlinson: Yeah, I guess I suspected as much. It’s a business. I’ll just be on my way, then.

Philip Rivers: Hold on, hold on. Not so fast. Can’t just let you leave on that dour note. Didn’t want you to think there are any hard feelings, so the fellas all chipped in and we got you a going away gift.

bike

LaDainian Tomlinson: Hey! A bike!

Philip Rivers: You did some of your best moving on this thing the last three years. Go on, let’s give her one more spin before you piss off for good. What do you say?

LaDainian Tomlinson: Sure. Why not.

[Tomlinson sits on the seat, only for it to immediately collapse beneath him]

Philip Rivers: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The perfect LT bike! Busted to shit and useless, just like you!

LaDainian Tomlinson: [Writhes in agony]

Rivers: Here, lemme help you out.

[Rivers reaches into his pocket and tosses bus fare at LT. The change floats in the air until the next bus fare increase makes it insufficient to board]

Rivers: Just stay away from epic beard dudes in fanny packs. They are a motherfucker.