Donte Stallworth: I would like to take the opportunity to thank Commissioner Goodell for reinstating me into the league following my one-year suspension. Even though that had been his prescribed punishment all along, I would like to think that I have demonstrated that I again ready and deserving of the right to play in the NFL. And thanks to the Baltimore Ravens for deciding to grant me another chance to play the game that I love and that is my life. It’s been a struggle dealing with the consequences of what happened. I can never fully undo the mistake that I made, but I can hope to lead the rest of my life honorably and admirably. And I hope I repay the faith the Ravens have shown me.
Agent: We’re gonna open up for questions, but Donte only has time for a few, so if you can keep them brief, please do so.
[Statute of limitations flies shut]
[Ray Lewis appears, looks for cameras before beginning to speak]
Ray Lewis: DONTE STALLWORTH, I AM WILL BE YA LIGHT! I WILL BE YA SHEPHERD! WOOOOOOO, BABY, YEAAAHHHHHH! THE LAWD PREACHES FORGIVENESS AND RAY-RAY PRACTICES WHAT HE PREACH!
[Spastic dance for 30 seconds]
Donte Stallworth: Oh hey, Ray. I look forward to -
Ray Lewis: NO SPEAKING! RAY HASN’T HYMNED YET!
[Ray recites a hymn]
Ray Lewis: THERE YOU GO! NOW YOU SPEAK!
Donte Stallworth: I, uh, I look forward to playing with you.
Ray Lewis: Shit yeah, you do. But Ray ain’t looking forward to playing with you. Not yet he ain’t. Not ’til you gone through Ray-Ray image rehab. In a few easy steps, I will change you from a man with a checkered past to an overhyped leader whose faults the media goes out of its way to ignore!
Donte Stallworth: Thanks, I…
Ray Lewis: NO TALKING! RAY IS STILL LEADING YOU!
First item of business, you see someone, you hand them a Bible. Before they even get a chance to speak, there had better damn sure be a Bible in their hand. This establishes you as a Man of God.
[Hands out Bibles to each reporter]
Next, you tell each person you give a Bible to how you gave a Bible to someone else, preferably someone they know. Like how I told all the media people I gave Ray Rice a Bible for Christmas.
[Tells each reporter how he gave Ray Rice a Bible for Christmas]
But only tell them once, or you cross the line from Man of God to zealot. ZEALOTS SCARE REPORTERS! THEY WRITE BAD THINGS ABOUT YOU IF YOU ARE ONE!
Next item: INVEST IN “BEST DAD” SHIRTS! NO MAN WHO IS A MAN OF GOD CAN AFFORD NOT TO BE A GOOD DAD! YOU WILL BE SEEN AS A HYPOCRITE! YEAH, BABY, WOOOOOOOO!
Donte Stallworth: I don’t have any kids.
Ray Lewis: Then you find a man with kids, stab that man, then become father to his kids. BUT YOU BETTER BE A GOOD DAD TO THEM! THAT IS KEY! AND THEN YOU GET SHIRTED UP!
Donte Stallworth: I don’t know if -
Ray Lewis: SHUT UP! STILL LEADING YOU!
Finally, you must get a new car. This one is not working well for your image.
You don’t see Ray-Ray carrying around a knife, do you? HELL NO! THAT WOULD BE STUPID! SO RAY-RAY KEEPS IT WELL CONCEALED!
Okay, now you may speak, my child.
Donte Stallworth: Thanks, Ray. I…
Ray Lewis: [To reporters] YOU SAW HOW I LED THAT MAN?! I TEND TO MY FLOCK! WELCOME INTO MY FLOCK, DONTE STALLWORTH! MY FLOCK IS FULL OF KILLER SHEEP! I HOPE ONE DAY YOU CAN LIVE DOWN THE HORRIBLE THING THAT YOU DID! RAY-RAY WILL TRY TO FORGIVE YOU! YEAH, BABY, WOOOOOOO!
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![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/selena-gomez-150x150.jpg)
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together those two are going to murder opposing teams. Stallworth is gonna run right over them, while Ray Ray slashes through their offensive line.
I think the comments are where people get out of line. I know at least half of you have driven drunk. If you hit somebody walking on the highway while you are drunk, would you like to be called a murderer for the rest of your life? The Ray Lewis jokes are funny in the write up, but some of you guys in the comments take this shit way to seriously. It is meant to make us laugh.
get some new jokes.
ray was charged with lying police not murder.
stallworth killed a man walking on a highway exit ramp
I disagree, this wasn’t blatant enough!
It was, however, quite late. When I saw we’d signed Stallworth, I thought “Him? And Stabby Knifestab? On the same team! TO KSK!” and I was disappointed.
this was a little too blatant… there are some good jokes, but this is like an eagles fan making a whole article about eli manning being straight up retarded.
I’m pretty sure those hand prints on Ray-Ray’s shirt are from one of his victims.
Ray-Ray hates the little people. According to Leviticus, they’re an abomination, just like gays, shrimp, and mixed-fiber fabrics.
Wait, murderers? In Baltimore?
The Bengals sign Matt Jones and are working out Pacman Jones. The Ravens sign their second murderer to the team. To keep up, the Browns are trying to sign Bam Morris, OJ Simpson, and Rae Carruth.
I guess if I break the law and lose my job I can always join an AFC North team.
I just want to know how the Bengals let an in-state felon walk in free agency, to a division opponent no less. Maybe they’re just saving up so they can sign Rae Carruth in 2018.
While I am not as uncivil as Mr. Treesports I must agree with his assessment.
Hey, Ray is just having fun out there!
BTW…Do you like Phil Collins?
@ Spum: I think Ape is done fuckin that chicken. That tired, baseless, regurgitated chicken.
@ Svedish: Derrick Mason says i before e except after fuck yourself.
I saw the news on yahoo, and I came here for I knew there would be a writeup.
The worst thing is, this automatically is the Ravens best reciever.
how much do dead cuban innards on the hood depreciate a bentley? i’m willing to buy it for the right price.
i got $3500 cash right now donte. whats up?
When do we get a kill kill kill devoted solely to the Ravens?
Ray Lewis is proud to be the shepard for this flock of sharks.
/That Guy’d
//if only the Ravens would finally die of boneitis
///shows self to the good ship, errr, planet express ship
”Then you find a man with kids, stab that man, then become father to his kids.”
I just spit beer on my monitor. I may actually make it through the off season…..
Ray-ray should be worried. With a newer, younger murderer on the roster, he might see his murdering time reduced and talk of retiring the lucky, stabby knife becomes more common.
Please- only 3.8% of the starting roster will be complicit in homicides. That’s well below the Baltimore average.
I like how he’s basically Terry Tate.
Or is Terry Tate modeled after Ray Lewis?
[Statute of limitations flies shut]
Nice touch.
“Then you find a man with kids, stab that man, then become father to his kids.”
Epic. Simply epic. I stand and applaud at that level of commitment to fatherhood.
@ Erik: I’ve got two words for ya:
CHUH CHUH.
Because Donte Stallworth is in dire need of some serious image rehab considering all those endorsement deals he had lined up at his door before he DUIed an old man to death.
/Tiger cries shenanigans
//Comes out of hiding
///Googles Ray Lewis’ Cell
So the Ravens are looking into Mike Vick now? Plaxico should be coming to Baltimore soon after he gets released from prison, right?
I say these as a Ravens fan…
The real story here? – PETER KING is the first to make an accurate piece of sports journalism
can we just revel in that?
where’s Jay Glazer to restore order to the world?
Jeez let up on the Ravens, at least they …
…
…
Never mind.
So Ape, was it uncomfortable writing this with an erection?
Do. Not. Want.
/Ravens fan
When the Donte was re-born, like all Ravens, he was inspected…with a knife.
My responses are hate-filled and sarcastic, but they are never over-the-top.
/prides himself on proper levels of hate and smarm
I like this new meme.
Ray just needed a getaway driver.
Needs more [jumps on top of pile, gets credited with tackle]
xmas ape is just jealous of the ravens’ heart and determination.
/ducks
//looking forward to his inevitable sarcastic, over-the-top, hate-filled response.
///not even a ravens fan!
not ba-a-a-a-a-d.
Tree Spoonduck ftw.
WHAT TIME IS IT? STAB TIME!
WHAT TIME IS IT? STAB TIME!
MURDERERS IN DA HOUSE?! KILL KILL KILL KILL!
MURDERERS IN DA HOUSE?! KILL KILL KILL KILL!
/Ray leading his flock
See, it wasn’t Donte’s fault! The car was a Toyota!
I wish I had millions of dollars so that I could payoff my victims’ families and be washed in the blood at the Church the Holy Serrated Edge.
The Baltimore Ravens: Now 150% more murder-y!
Ray’s whole physique has Shatnerized over the past few seasons. Most of the time it just happens to people’s faces.
I do wish Bernard Pollard could play offense against the Turkey Buzzards next year. Stabby McStabby needs to have a knee or two explode.
If Ray Lewis is a Hall of Famer, then Leonard Little should be President of MADD and commissioner of the NFL. Bastard.
Note that Ray Lewis does not change his facial expression between pictures.
I would actually watch NASCAR if Kyle Busch drove that car in a race. Beautiful work, Ape.
Joe Flacco sees a lot of unibrow potential on Donte’s face.