Donte Stallworth: I would like to take the opportunity to thank Commissioner Goodell for reinstating me into the league following my one-year suspension. Even though that had been his prescribed punishment all along, I would like to think that I have demonstrated that I again ready and deserving of the right to play in the NFL. And thanks to the Baltimore Ravens for deciding to grant me another chance to play the game that I love and that is my life. It’s been a struggle dealing with the consequences of what happened. I can never fully undo the mistake that I made, but I can hope to lead the rest of my life honorably and admirably. And I hope I repay the faith the Ravens have shown me.
Agent: We’re gonna open up for questions, but Donte only has time for a few, so if you can keep them brief, please do so.
[Statute of limitations flies shut]
[Ray Lewis appears, looks for cameras before beginning to speak]
Ray Lewis: DONTE STALLWORTH, I AM WILL BE YA LIGHT! I WILL BE YA SHEPHERD! WOOOOOOO, BABY, YEAAAHHHHHH! THE LAWD PREACHES FORGIVENESS AND RAY-RAY PRACTICES WHAT HE PREACH!
[Spastic dance for 30 seconds]
Donte Stallworth: Oh hey, Ray. I look forward to –
Ray Lewis: NO SPEAKING! RAY HASN’T HYMNED YET!
[Ray recites a hymn]
Ray Lewis: THERE YOU GO! NOW YOU SPEAK!
Donte Stallworth: I, uh, I look forward to playing with you.
Ray Lewis: Shit yeah, you do. But Ray ain’t looking forward to playing with you. Not yet he ain’t. Not ’til you gone through Ray-Ray image rehab. In a few easy steps, I will change you from a man with a checkered past to an overhyped leader whose faults the media goes out of its way to ignore!
Donte Stallworth: Thanks, I…
Ray Lewis: NO TALKING! RAY IS STILL LEADING YOU!
First item of business, you see someone, you hand them a Bible. Before they even get a chance to speak, there had better damn sure be a Bible in their hand. This establishes you as a Man of God.
[Hands out Bibles to each reporter]
Next, you tell each person you give a Bible to how you gave a Bible to someone else, preferably someone they know. Like how I told all the media people I gave Ray Rice a Bible for Christmas.
[Tells each reporter how he gave Ray Rice a Bible for Christmas]
But only tell them once, or you cross the line from Man of God to zealot. ZEALOTS SCARE REPORTERS! THEY WRITE BAD THINGS ABOUT YOU IF YOU ARE ONE!
Next item: INVEST IN “BEST DAD” SHIRTS! NO MAN WHO IS A MAN OF GOD CAN AFFORD NOT TO BE A GOOD DAD! YOU WILL BE SEEN AS A HYPOCRITE! YEAH, BABY, WOOOOOOOO!
Donte Stallworth: I don’t have any kids.
Ray Lewis: Then you find a man with kids, stab that man, then become father to his kids. BUT YOU BETTER BE A GOOD DAD TO THEM! THAT IS KEY! AND THEN YOU GET SHIRTED UP!
Donte Stallworth: I don’t know if –
Ray Lewis: SHUT UP! STILL LEADING YOU!
Finally, you must get a new car. This one is not working well for your image.
You don’t see Ray-Ray carrying around a knife, do you? HELL NO! THAT WOULD BE STUPID! SO RAY-RAY KEEPS IT WELL CONCEALED!
Okay, now you may speak, my child.
Donte Stallworth: Thanks, Ray. I…
Ray Lewis: [To reporters] YOU SAW HOW I LED THAT MAN?! I TEND TO MY FLOCK! WELCOME INTO MY FLOCK, DONTE STALLWORTH! MY FLOCK IS FULL OF KILLER SHEEP! I HOPE ONE DAY YOU CAN LIVE DOWN THE HORRIBLE THING THAT YOU DID! RAY-RAY WILL TRY TO FORGIVE YOU! YEAH, BABY, WOOOOOOO!
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.