Better Know A Draft Pick: Tim Tebow
02.23.10Welcome to another year of Better Know A Draft Pick. Leading up to the draft we’ll profile all the top prospects that are worth knowing.
Name: Tim Tebow
Nickname: The Mohel
Strengths: Intangibles
Weaknesses: Tangibles
Motor: Internal combustion
Old throwing motion: Wild and erratic like premarital sex.
New throwing motion: Mechanical and pleasureless like marital sex.
Mainstream Media Comparison: Jesus Christ
KSK Comparison: Mark Brunell with a lower completion percentage.
Who Wants Him: Peter King, others who value a winning attitude over an ability to play football at the next level.
Who Will Take Him: An owner who reeks of desperation.
Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: If I have to pick one I’ll go with Tim Tebow: Promise Keeper.
Immediate Impact: Good PR for whichever team drafts him.
Down the Road: A new GM for whichever team drafts him.
Totally unnecessary file photos…
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![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/stickyrickyretirement-150x150.jpg)
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Dammit!
I just typed a whole long message, and when I tried to send it my FireFox hung.
Was it somehow saved or do I need to redo it?
As a diehard ‘Noles fan who’s watched this motherfucker eat us alive for four years because of our 300 year-old coach not giving a shit anymore, Tebow’s imminent NFL failure is one of the most delicious events in recent memory.
FUCK YOU, TEBOW! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Damn, how many gummy bracelets can one man wear?
Also, I’m wondering how Jesus would’ve felt about shaved chest hair.
The only thing better than these pictures are the labels on the graphics.
I wonder if he is going off like the _Coming to America_…IT MAKES ME THINK THERE IS A GOD! A HUGH HEFNER OF ABOVE!!!
He will join the ranks of other NFL elite QBs named Tim like…
…
Tim Couch? Rattay? shit.
MexicanJesus….Peter King is not allowed to start his team here because we only have medicore coffee.
/Thanks Serbia
-100 for that photo of Tebum covered in grass during the ’08 FSU game. Six facking years of losing handily to Gainesville, the last four to Tebum and his army of media admirers.
/bitter FSU fan
//ends college football talk now.
Jebus, look at all that blood on lil’ Timmy. Hope his mom got her money back on that abortion of an abortion.
I think Peter King will start his own franchise, possible because of the stupid amount of money he makes, and draft Tebow to play Quarterback. Then, he’ll sign Eric Crouch, Ki-Jana Carter, Vernon Gholston, and maybe even Darko Milcic if he puts the team in Serbia.
@Irish Cream @Cutlerception: Whatever happened to good old technical virginity?
je- Yeah dude, there’s no way any red blooded male can stay away from the Tampa Bay whores. No matter how much Jesus hellfire he’s snorting.
What a magnificent pair of fun bags…what’s going on here?
/give him 1 minute with Rex Ryan and he will be taming the pussybull…marriage, or no marriage
@Irish Cream
As a resident of Utah the stories of “christian ladies” are hilarious. Two quick ones. First, girl gets pregnant, said she didn’t have sex. There was no in and out thrusting, they just layed there until he lost it. Naive mormons. Second, this is a new technique they have perfected at BYU called “bag-piping”, it is the act of doing a chick in her armpit. This may or may not be a rumor (probably is) but we have gotten a lot of mileage out of it at the bars.
Jacksonville soon to be the most circumcised city in the nation.
“Mark Brunell with a lower completion percentage”………….
Lofty. Very Lofty.
“I knew a number of “Christian” girls in college who felt giving/receiving oral was totally okay with the big guy in the sky as was leaving the back-door open to all comers. Just as long as they kept the front door dead-bolted, everything else was fair game.”
Yeah, you can find those in Utah
What kind and loving God could possibly send Tebow to some place like Buffalo or Jacksonville? Unless…
[heavn'ly door flies open]
YAA BETTER ASK SOME GANESHHHHA!
http://liveinprayer.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/ganesha.jpg
The chick in the second picture has AMAZING breasts. That is all.
On behalf of Tim Tebow’s other head, the ACLU is suing Tebow for forcing his religion upon their client and infringing on said client’s right to life, liberty and the pursuit of hot, tanned, lucious co-ed poontang.
Oh, and that liberty thing too.
@Peter King’s Latte,
Hey I get your point, but really, “the one guy who won’t drive you to the clinic”. Either you’re single, don’t have a mother, any sisters, or never dated a woman. 99% of guys won’t drive a girl to the clinic, at least Timmy is honest about it up front — “sorry sweatheart I know my jizzy just filled your clam, but you’re talking PR nightmare, no way!” or something like that.
Goodness those girls are HOT. How about a Friday college feature? I knew a number of “Christian” girls in college who felt giving/receiving oral was totally okay with the big guy in the sky as was leaving the back-door open to all comers. Just as long as they kept the front door dead-bolted, everything else was fair game.
He still has nothing on Matthew Stafford’s women
He should’ve been a butcher, like his brother. They make good money, ya know.
/Seinfeld’d
As long as it opens up on Tebonehead’s chest and they catch Stabby McStabby with the knife in said chest, I’m cool with that.
JAFO, my boy who went to UF told me he knows for sure that Tebow was nailing hotties there. He was close with a player (won’t name names but he catches passes from Britfar!) and dude said that Tebow was regularly tearing it up.
/Waits for “if you don’t have a picture shes not that hot/it never happened” rule from the mailbag to be thrown at him
@ Ghosts – Surely to be the next Great Schism in Christianity
In fairness, Erin Andrews would blow a donkey if it could do the Gator Chomp. As a matter of fact, she did once, and its name was Chris Leak.
Even better…let the Ravens draft him so he can see what REAL NFL players think being a Jesus freak is all about. Ray-Ray would stab him before the end of camp.
One Jesusback retires, a new one takes his place.
It’s the circle of life people…
OK so I have looked up mohel and learned about the traditional bris practices and can honestly say I want those 5 minutes of my life back. Don’t think I really needed to know about that one. Thanks KSK.
Ain’t no fucking way he’s a virgin. If he’s a virgin, i’m a fucking pornstar.
If Buffalo drafts him, he’ll be closer to Canada, and therefore closer to Danielle Brisbois. Talk about married to your calling.
/shows self out.
the thing is, those are the UF uggos. the top shelf poon is too busy plowing the REST of the team.
So THAT’S how you spell “mohel.”
/updates “Objective” portion of resume
“Tim Tebow and Matt Leinart both won championships in college, hang out with tons of first-rate snatch, and either suck or will suck in the NFL.
What does any of this mean? I have no idea.”
It means that Tebow is essentially Leinart without the pussy.
What a horrible thing to contemplate.
Nickname: The Mohel? I thought it was Concrete Cyanide!
THIS GUY will look great on THAT TEAM that drafts him as he sits on the bench RIGHT THERE!!
/Tebow’s just holding out for NFL pussy
I can’t be the only one hoping the “PICTURES OF GIRLS” tag gets more action than Tebow does.
BRIS! BRIS! BRISBRISBRISBRIS! BRIS BRIS! EVERYBODY!
Sorry, Upstate, but…
Maybe Tiny Danny Sydner will sweep him up just before Ralph Wilson finds his crayon.
//Either way, whoever signs him is doomed to look up at the Lions in the standings.
He just needs to hang out with Tiger for a couple of weeks. His vagina problem will soon be solved.
One Jesusback retires, a new one takes his place.
GotU, shut your dirty mouth.
Sadly, I bet the Bills have already filled out the card with his name for their 1st round pick.
Those pictures make me wish I was single in college, and also a Heisman winner.
There’s only one man WHO WOULD DARE give me the rasberry!
LONE STAR!
the Double J is just crazy enough to do it.
What a waste of celebrity. As mentioned by the others he’s got all of Florida’s campus hotties hanging on him, but he won’t nail any of them.
Of course, I think this also might make those girls lucky. Could you imagine being some hot piece freshman who Timmy does sleep with? When he knocks you up, you’re stuck with the one guy who won’t drive you to the clinic.
Weaknesses: Tangibles
Only if throwing a football accurately is important for a fullback.
You’ll know he’s arrived in the NFL when his eye black has quotes from Hugh Hefner.
Hahaha Promise Keeper cause he has one of those rings…oh. That Promise. But Teebus, if a chick touches your arm like Andrews is doing it totally means she wants to bang.
And why you got to hate on the lefty QBs :(
Tim Tebow and Matt Leinart both won championships in college, hang out with tons of first-rate snatch, and either suck or will suck in the NFL.
What does any of this mean? I have no idea.
the fact that this guy didn’t plow acres of pussy at college really pisses me off.
It is the irony of ironies that a man that can charm that quality of pussy won’t touch it.