Of all the celebrities who didn’t get the chance to blow me off in Miami, Andy Rooney is the one I’m saddest of all that I missed. Actually, I totally forgot that he goes to the Super Bowl every year. But luckily, before dotage claimed what’s left of his memory of the event, he was able to provide us with the gripping tale of his Super Bowl experience during last night’s 60 Minutes. Basically, he did what Conan fake-did to NBC, only with more entertaining senility. To recap:

  • He lists how much it cost CBS to fly him to Miami, put him up in a hotel and get him a crappy seat in the upper deck.
  • He said that, while watching the game, he couldn’t wait to get back to the hotel TV to “see what really happened”.
  • He boasts that he can write off the cost of his trip with this “lame piece” about the game.
  • He goes into no detail whatsoever about said game.
  • He shits his pants
  • But why?
  • This man is a cultural treasureforce. Yes, that’s the portmanteau I have coined in his honor. Andy Rooney: Treasureforce.