It’s ovah! It’s ovah! I can’t believe it! OW-AH PRECIOUS DYNASTY HAS COME TO AN END!

You faggots out they-ah cannawt appreciate what you have just seen! Far the past fackin’ decade, ow-ah beloved footbawll Red Sawx were-ah the DAWNINANT FARCE in the fackin’ National Nawt Baseball League!

(loiters in Store 24)

But aftah wawtching two minutes of last Sunday’s game against those crab faggots from Baltimore-ah, it is clee-ah! THE PATS DYNASTY IS OVAH! I can’t believe it! We, the legendary fans of RED SOX CITY NATION, nevah thawt it would happen! And now, we ahhhh just anothah team that wins division titles regularly and goes to the playoffs! WE AHHH NAWT SPECIAL ANYMORE-AH! You cannot undahstand what that feels like! THIS ONE HIT US HAHHHHHD!

(sits on stoop, drinks 40)

But we Bawston fans ahhh SCHMUCKIN’ FAHHHHHT! You normal, average fans out they-ah thawt this Pats team was just as good as usual. But we knew bettah! We had a fifth sense about them! Even before-ah the team knew they sacked, WE KNEW THEY SACKED! That’s why we didn’t sell out that playawff game on Sunday! We had a sneaking suspicion this could be the end of an ERAH, so we knew to avoid watching it so we could tawk about why Terry Francona is a fackin’ bald cunt! BAWSTON FANS AHHH SMAHT ENOUGH TO STAY AWAY WHEN THEY KNOW THEY-AH IS NO HOPE! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

We knew. WE KNEW. We knew they were-ah done! Belichick? He’s old! He’s lost his fastbawll! I’ve wawtched Keith Foulke, so I know when fastbawlls ahhh lost! He’s ovah 55, and my special laws of sparts say coaches ovah 55 can’t win DICK! Even when they ahhh as white and shahhhhp as Billy B!

(cuts in line at bar)

And Tawmmy Brady? Done. DONE. He’s fackin’ done! When the last time he played well? 2007? THAT WAS, LIKE, FIVE YEE-AHS AGO! He’s 32! THIRTY FACKIN’ TWO! NO QB OVAH THRITY TWO HAS EVAH WON ANYTHING! AGAIN, I MADE THAT A RULE! NO ONE ELSE NOTICES THESE THINGS BUT ME!

Way-uh ahhh ow-ah blue chippahs?! Do you see any blue chippahs on this rawstah?! EXCEPT FAHHH FACKIN’ WELKAH?! I don’t! I see a cubbard that is BAY-AHHHH!!! We need to staht ovah! Bill Belichick has made too many moves that I now question in hindsight! WE COULD HAVE DRAFTED SHAWNNE FACKIN’ GREENE! I WOULD HAVE DONE THAT!

(walks across street despite DO NOT WALK SIGN, is almost hit by car, throws up hands in anger and gives driver menacing look)

Is it me, or would trading Tawmmy Brady for Big fackin’ Ben make A STAGGERING AMOUNT OF SENSE FAR BOTH TEAMS INVAWLVED?! Or am I crazy? Who would be against this? How could this fackin’ trade nawt go down?! I AM THE VP OF CAWMMON FACKIN’ SENSE! IF I WAS MADE GENERAL FACKIN MANAJAH OF EVERY NFL TEAM, EVERY TEAM WOULD WIN! NO ONE DENIES THIS! I HAVE A PLAYAWFF MANIFESTO THAT IS ACCURATE WHEN ADJUSTED ON A YEARLY BASIS!

(girlfriend is never seen without a Sox hat and ponytail)

This is just such a dahhhhk day! Dahhhkah than Derek Jetah’s blackie ancestahs! I remembah nawt watching the Pats as a kid. IN THOSE CLASSIC PAT PATRIOT UNIS, THE FINEST UNIS IN NFL HISTORY! We didn’t wawtch them back then, because the team knew they had to fight for-ah ow-ah loyalty! THAT’S WHAT MAKES BAWSTON FANS SPECIAL!

(gambles, loses, refuses to pay)

And now, they will have to prove themselves to us again! Because as fahhh as I can see, this team sacks! And I give up awn it! THE SIGNING OF ADRIAN BELTRE IS HUGELY UNDERRATED! IT’S A DEAL I WOULD HAVE MADE AGES AGO! You people bettah remembah these Pats! Bruschi! Vrabel! Troy Brown! You will nevah see a team like that again. And if you ahhhhn’t sad with us today, then YOU DON’T LOVE FOOTBAWLL!

YANKEES STILL SACK!