American_Manhood_Magazine

We only had three submissions for the mailbag this week. Instead of putting out the Batsignal for more questions, I put some more time and effort into the responses, so this week’s edition isn’t all that much shorter than the average ‘bag. I think it’s a nice change of pace to go more in-depth. Disagree? Too bad!

Despite the banner image (via RoboShark), this week’s mailbag does not have the TRUTH ABOUT VENEREAL DISEASE. It does include, however, someone whose bazooka goes off too soon. And yeah, that’s a metaphor. If anyone out there has an actual bazooka, please write in. There aren’t enough explosions on this blog.

Pasty Punishers of the Poontang,
I broke up with my girlfriend of 9 months (4 months living together) after we realized that we were too different for things to work long term. I’m a decent looking 27 tall lawyer but had somehow landed a 23 year old former model who was still 5’10″/125 with perfect 34 b/c’s.

Hey, assholes: this little habit of describing your partners with measurements instead of pictures like this is the fucking Penthouse forum needs to stop. Until you send a picture in, all your fat little girlfriends are exactly the same, okay?

Anyway. Do go on, please.

Whole time we were dating I only had eyes for her (I had it so bad I even thought about her when jacking it). Now I can’t seem to get myself to care enough about any girl at a bar to bother trying at all. Any suggestions on how to get over this mental hurdle so I can try and move on from the relationship?

Ohhhhh, that’s a bad one. I can’t be sure, but what you describe sounds like a nasty case of lust-driven love. If I’m interpreting your situation correctly — and feel free to correct me in the comments — you and your ex had a mature break-up that occurred long before either of you had the chance to drive the other insane/seek out someone else. The upside to this is that you both get the opportunity to move on without any ill will. The downside is that you broke up with the only person in the world you want to be with, and that shit is going to ruin your head for years. Literally: YEARS.

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I’m doing some projecting here. More than once in my life, I’ve broken up with someone I was in love with because she wasn’t reciprocating or ready for as much of a commitment. I thought I was doing the mature thing. Instead, I merely set myself up for years of heartache and longing and trying like hell to be interested in other people. For me, the love never entirely goes away — and the only balm I’ve ever found was falling for someone else, usually two or three years later. If you’re anything like me, get ready to hate life.

Also what’s the appropriate amount of time to give someone to move their stuff out when they have a new place?

Are you kidding? You don’t want her to come get her stuff! Those are valuable keepsakes! They still smell like her! Masturbate with her clothing!

Football: I’m a long time Niners fan, is there anyway they realize smith doesn’t work and draft a new qb (and if they fall for another one of meyers qb’s and draft tebow am I justified in dropping them after 20+ years for my now local team, the Jets, and the greatest coach ever).
-Backed Up

Uh oh, be careful saying stuff about switching allegiances. Christmas Ape will (rightfully) throw a book at you.

The problem with Smith is that — well, there are three problems, actually. Problem #1 is that he sucks. Problem #2 is that he had all those different offensive coordinators his first several years in the league, which gives his few remaining proponents a built-in defense. Problem #3 is that he played just well enough through part of the 2009 season for some people to say, “Hey, there’s been definite improvement — maybe he deserves a SIXTH season to keep not being very good.” And you know what? Maybe he does (note: he doesn’t). But one more year at QB ain’t gonna make his little Dave Krieg carnie hands grow any bigger. I, for one, recommend the Niners draft Jimmy Clausen. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Dear Instructors of Life,
Sex: Been dating a girl for over 6 months. She is great, my family likes her, her family likes me. All is well… Except she is having cousins from the East Coast fly into Vegas on the opening weekend of March Madness. Sounds pretty sweet right?

Yeah, if the cousins are dudes who like basketball.

Well, she has always had hostility towards these cousins, but is looking for amends. I don’t see this happening.

Oh God. Not sweet at all.

Also, this would mean I would have a 5-hour drive both to and from Vegas stuck in a car with her parents who I like, but I could see myself going crazy during the drive.

Did you forget her birthday? Anniversary? Does she hate you? She hates you, right?

And finally, instead of hanging out in a sports book the whole time watching the games, I would be stuck doing the family thing instead. My girlfriend has already told me that I will be mainly there to spend family time and to be shown off to her cousins in some sort of womanly competition of who has the better life.

Oh fuck, the cousins are women! Danger! Danger, Will Robbins!

Only women do this shit. They’ve got friends or cousins or sisters who they don’t particularly like, then they organize big events to spend time with them, maintaining a tight smile and fake laughing the entire time — until you get back up to the hotel room, where you fulfill your role as a sounding board for all her gripes. “Can you believe it?!? Can you believe what Melissa said about Katie!?” For the record, the correct response is, “Seriously! I couldn’t believe it!” — NOT turning the game on to check scores.

Do men do this? Hell no. We bottle our feelings up, then  if it gets bad enough and we’re drunk, we punch each other. And most of the time, punching is enough to wash the entire grudge away. The lesson, as always: dudes are way cooler to hang out with. Good thing you ladies have tits.

I argued we should do it on another weekend and that making me go would only make a grumpy asshole to her and her family because I can’t tell how badly my bracket is falling apart during the first weekend. Of course this leads to her saying I care more about sports than her or her family. Any ideas?

Oh, she got you good with that one. And you know why? Because she backed you into a corner where you have to choose sports or her and her family, and on top of that she made the “her and her family” option particularly unpleasant. But you messed up by claiming sports as your out. Here’s the deal: if she wants you to act like a supportive boyfriend — like the two of you are a team – that means that everything needs to be collaborative, including planning. Think about weddings: the groom just can’t show up at the altar at the right time; he also has to spend a shitload of time pretending to care about place settings and centerpieces and invitations and — why yes, the weekend that it happens. So it’s unfair of her to exclude you from planning, then expect you to be a part of the weekend.

Now, ideally, she’d understand and move it to another weekend — it’s not like mid-March has a federal holiday, so it should be easy to move. But I think there’s room for compromise even if she won’t (or can’t) move the weekend. Seeing as she was so insensitive to move forward with the plans without consulting you, you should at least be able to hold out for some time at the sports book to place bets and watch a game or two. Practice these lines: “I dunno, I’d kind of like to spend some time with your dad, get to know him better” and: “You girls should get some spa time” and: “I swear to God, give me some space or I will put whatever money might go to a diamond ring on double-zero.”

Football: Do you think the Colts’ “protection problems” will resurface in Miami since the Saints were able to knock Favre down so much?
Thanks
Rob

I hope so, but I doubt it. As much as I loathe the Colts with every fiber of my being, I can’t deny Manning’s robotic greatness. Sure, you can knock him down a couple times, maybe even sack him two or three times in a game, but the dude gets too many downs. Sack him on first down and ol’ Fetusface still has two downs to get fifteen yards.

As good as the Saints’ offense can be, it sputters at inopportune times. I think the only way the Saints win is if they kill it on special teams and create and capitalize on turnovers. It’s pretty obvious analysis, but it can save you hours and hours of wasting your time watching ESPN.

To the greatest workplace distraction ever,
Football first: I went to college in Pennsylavnia and our campus was filled with roughly 40% Eagles fans, 40% Steelers fans, and the rest an amalgam of Jets, Giants, Ravens and the occasional Bills and Redskins fan thrown in just to spice things up.

That sentence actually made me shiver. I’m not kidding. That’s the perfect storm of assholes.

Being a Giants fan from New Jersey, I always had a healthy hatred for the Eagles, yet had never encountered any Steelers fans until college. After I graduated, the Steelers replaced the Eagles as my most loathed franchise because of their fans. Fast forward to last month when I was hanging out with some old college buds and one of my yinzer friends started blabbing about how the Steelers are America’s true team and they are god’s gift to football and blah blah blah. When I called him out for being a member of the most despised fan base in America, he denied it and said these words, “how can anyone not love Steelers fans? We’re the measuring stick to how a passionate fanbase should be and act?” Needless to say my brain shut down at such retardery being uttered and could not form a coherent argument to support my stance (I also blame the Irish Car Bombs being consumed that night), simply repeating that they are douchebags and NO ONE DENIES THIS. Since you good sirs, are much more talented than I with the almighty prose, I leave it to you to help explain the fuck-tardery of Pittsburgh Steelers fans in general. And I of course will relay those thoughts along to my friend and pass them off as my own.

I laid out my gripes with the Steelers’ popularity in a zombie movie script last year, and anything I write now or forever more will only be countered with witless ripostes about how I’m “jealous” of the Steelers’ success. I disagree, but that won’t stop Steelers fans. So: the “jealous” rebuttal line starts over there. While you wait, here’s my answer:

Part of what makes Steelers fans so awful is their lack of self-awareness. The other part is their ubiquity. Like Red Sox fans, Steelers fans are EVERYWHERE. And as we learned from the 2004 baseball season, it’s charming to have those fans everywhere as long as they haven’t won a championship. Imagine if the Red Sox had won four championships in the ’70s and they had colors that a lot of people liked: that’s the Steelers. And yes, while bandwagon jumpers are a very real percentage of the fan base, there are legitimate fans. You also have to take into account the large number of people who grew up there and left because it’s a frigid shithole, and also the assholes who went to college there and became fans because they didn’t grow up with any real loyalty.

But the NFL is FILLED with asshole fan bases; what separates Steelers fans from the rest? I would argue that it’s the specific way the team makes an individual retarded. Do you know a Cowboys fan? Chances are, that person’s a fucking moron. But the Steelers transform seemingly intelligent people into complete jackholes. I’ve seen Steelers fans in a bar in the literary haven of Park Slope, Brooklyn chant “Here we go Steelers! Here we go!” – after a Steelers loss. My parents’ neighbor for several years (in Washington state) was a lovely, engaging dentist who was a Steelers fan; she cried after the first quarter of Super Bowl XL (the Steelers were down a field goal). Look at this post about Pete Carroll and the Seahawks. It has nothing to do with the Steelers and in fact mentions no other NFL team, but two of the first 14 comments are from Steelers fans complaining about the Seahawks and their fans complaining about Super Bowl XL.

Listen, our own Christmas Ape, a Steelers fan, is the most prolific and very likely funniest writer at this here blog. But — save the delightful adventures of Big Ben and Hines Wald — when the Steelers are involved, that wit is gone. He’s an animal, driven by hatred for the opposition and blind passion for the Black and Gold. Is that intense fandom? Yes. Is it a “measuring stick to how a passionate fanbase should be and act”? Well, that’s open to interpretation, but the short answer is No. It’s being an asshole. However, being an asshole doesn’t really matter when SIX CHAMPIONSHIPS BABY WOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I guess that’s fine, but when a bar is filled Steelers fans, and half of them aren’t from Pittsburgh or raised by Pittsburghers, the stink of bullshit is a little more than I care to stand.

Sex (the real reason I am writing): I’m the very definition of a quick shooter! My stamina in the bedroom is akin to Jim in American Pie (not always that bad, but enough times to piss me off). I generally hang for less then two minutes, with the occasional foray into four plus territory with the help of alcohol and the every once in a blue moon nearly six minute excursion. I am 32 years old and honestly, this problem is getting worse. I met a girl a few months ago who I am head over heels in love with and she feels the same. She is beautiful, funny and has a great career and doesn’t mind at all that my life and career are in a transitional phase now. She’s perfect. My itchy trigger finger has never been worse than with her. She turns me on so goddamn much that the mission is practically over before it begins. A few times I got sloshed and had something decent going on, but the last few times have been embarrassingly bad. I don’t want to have to get drunk every time I have sex with my girlfriend. I’ve tried the extended pleasure condoms, slowing down, pulling out, thinking about baseball, different positions, imagining ugly women and practicing while jerking off, but nothing is helping! Any ideas on how to alleviate this problem?! Getting desperate here! Thanks.
-Premature Pete

Ouch. I’m not an expert in this, but my first roommate in the Marines claimed to have the same problem. He also claimed that after the quick release, he was ready to go for a second round, during which he had more stamina. Whether or not you also have quick regeneration, the lesson here is that my buddy’s wife cheated on him and now they’re divorced.

It sounds like you have a good woman who makes you happy; I recommend talking to a urologist. Until then: go down on her. A LOT.