If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.
Thunk my nuts, you Jersey meathead assholes and your undeserving playoff team. Your team wouldn’t sell you beer at your own stadium on Sunday because they knew you’d all try to turn the seats from your borrowed home field into hood ornaments.
And fuck their lucky motherfucking team. Handed two end of the season victories by playoff teams resting for the postseason. Instead of the Houston Chimera’s first ever playoff appearance, we get to watch Rex Ryan’s defense get the ball back three or four times late against the Bengals only for it all to be wasted by back-breaking interception after back-breaking interception. Already we have to deal with the Bengals and the Ravens playing this weekend. We need another team that can’t pass the ball worth shit? Highlighted by Braylon Edwards dropping the three passes Mark Sanchez manages not to drill into a DB’s chest?
Oh yeah, Sanchise. How overcome you must be that your team stumbled in a playoff appearance completely in spite of your ever-apparent incompetence. Nacho threw 20 fucking interceptions this year. Brad Smith is the best QB on this roster. Here are a few QBs who had a higher passer rating than this date raping USC Mexahole:
Ryan Fitzpatrick
Marc Bulger
Brady Quinn
Alex Smith
I don’t care if Darrelle Revis is good. I don’t care if Rex Ryan is a likable coach. I don’t give a shit if Drew’s caricature of Rex makes you like him even more. People seem to forget why Dislexy Rexy is there in the first place:
BECAUSE BRETT FAVRE TOLD THE
JETS TO FIRE THEIR LAST COACH
And they fucking did it. Just to please that useless scapegoating attention whore. And he still didn’t come back to play for these losers. Granted, Eric Mangini is a fat failtard fuck who endangers his players by letting them engage in full-contact drills without pads and fines them thousands of dollars for taking a bottle of water from a hotel. But that’s not why the Jets fired him. They would have been content for him to suck for a few more years. No. THE JETS FIRED HIM BECAUSE BRETT FAVRE TOLD THEM TO DO IT!
Die in a parking lot car fire, Jets. I hope Wayne Chrebet pisses on your grave while tongue kissing Wes Welker.
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I’m split between wanting the Jets to do better than the Vikings just to spite Favre along with the amazing Rex Ryan posts, and wanting them to burn in a fire that consumes all of Jersey and turns it into an “Escape From New York” rip off without any of the awesome.
As a Jets fan, I was fine with this until Wayne Chrebet made out with Welker. The Green Lantern’s betrayal burned deep.
Doug Brien stung.
Almost as much as Polomalu’s retirement in 9-10 months will, after his next ACL/MCL tear.
/Didn’t lose to the Chiefs or Browns
//Or AT HOME to the Raiders’ unstoppable pass offense
///We really could do this forever
and mexican jesus why do you think houston should be in? cause they beat the pats? why? WE BEAT THEM, STOP SUCKING THE OTHER SIDES DICK
i dont understand why everyone is hating on the jets, they have a decent team this year, good defense, great run game, up and coming qb, does everyone forget PEYTON MANNING HAD JUST AS MANY INTERCEPTIONS HIS FIRST YEAR??? give sanchez a break, rex is a great coach and is exactly what this team needs, all you assholes speent all these years making fun of the jets, now when your teams out and the jets are in your going to complain? FUCK YOU, JETS ARE A GOOD TEAM AND DESERVE IT, cincy game it was 27-0 at the half sure cedric benson was sitting but PALMER AND OCHO CINCO-starters were in..27-0, shut the fuck up and get over your team whos not in the playoffs.
http://tinypic.com/r/21eaptc/6
/still wanted the Jets to lose to see the Houston Chimeras.
Even without beer sales some of us JETS fans got our seats on Sunday night.
If any of you guys are able to listen to New York sports radio, you wouldn’t believe the wonderful shit storm that Jets fans and callers are brewing. It has me rooting for the Jets to beat the Bengals, so they can lose to Pey Pey. Suffice to say, I will be getting my schadenfreude on and it will be scrumptious.
J-E-T-S, JETS, JETS, JETS! Everyone is jealous of the Jets this year and look at this, everyone’s talking about them! They held Peyton Manning to two touchdowns through 70% of the game and shut down Cincy 30-0 before their starters sat down. They have the best momentum in the NFL swinging their way. #1 offense, #1 defense….Cincy will be a tough game but the real question is how the Jets can get a home AFC Championship (keep cheering for those Ravens).
@ Jersey. We’re just going to change your handle to Monkey Business East.
Looks like some non-Jets fans have their panties all wadded up. Do me a favor and just reach on up in there and pull ‘em out. Stop being so damn cranky.
I’m real glad that you ignorant cunts think that one, anyone is New Jersey is a Jets fan, because I’m one of seven people.. And YOUR FUCKING GUIDOS LOVE THE GIANTS, you stupid useless anus boils. If the writer can commenters can do me a favor, thanks: develop the HIV, live a productive, but painful life.. About 5 years into your pathetic life, on your way to the AIDS center for your medication, I’d like for you to have a seizure, drive you car into a cancer-ridden orphanage, setting yourself and car ablaze, but don’t die- stay a little and get yourself a couple of first and third degree burns about your face and neck.. Then, while your ‘melted GI Joe’ body stands up to help cancer orphans, I hope Rex Ryan comes and bites your fucking chest off. Cunts.
Thunking ones nuts sounds painful.
Yeah here’s the thing–it was mostly clear by week 15 that the AFC wildcard spots were going to be practically selected by blind lottery among a series of teams that screwed multiple pooches earlier in the season, i.e. none of them deserve to be in the playoffs, so it really doesn’t matter if it was Jets or Texans or Jags or whoever, let’s just get em bounced and let the adults talk. It’s almost a relief to me the Steelers didn’t get in, because they were actually starting to play well enough to advance beyond a wild-card round that they wouldn’t have deserved to play in.
Of course, the key word there = Almost.
Doug Brien delicious
Ooof. Ape, that hurt more than the whole rant.
Having the Jets play another week or 2 beats the shit out of the alternative. They have a shot this week, but after that…
And fuck Favre.
One other thing about the Texans:
Teams that get Seattle and St Louis in the last four weeks don’t get to talk about anyone else’s schedule.
The Jets suck. Tell me something I didn’t know being a fan of them for the last 26 years. It’s depressing when your dad tells you and your brother a year ago “I should have raised you to be Giants fans and spared you from this crap”. Yeah, a little too late there, guy!
Jets fans can always say to the Giants that they beat the Panthers.
/Realizes Giants are the new Cowboys
@MexicanJesusNY
Why exactly should the Texans be in the playoffs over us? We beat them 24-7 Week 1. I’m pretty sure that alone invalidates them.
say this as a jets fan: they really shouldn’t be in the playoffs. that’s as unbiased as i can get.
/glad PIT and DEN didn’t make it anyway.
As a Broncos fan, they didn’t deserve to make it to the playoffs either.
J-E-T-S SUCK SUCK SUCK.
OK, I’ve got nothing right now. Except to say GO COWBOYS!
But you still got swept by Miami.
/we can keep going in a loop like this
@Ape:
Touche, sir.
/we still beat the Raiders
@Monkey Business – Don’t leave! At least not until the Hater’s Guide to the Colts goes up.
/anticipating landmark cyber-bullying case MonkeyBusiness v KSK Staff & Kommentariat
Imagine if somehow the Jest and Dallas made it to the Superbowl…we could have so many doors flying open I may explode.
On the other hand, this game does open up some amazing possibilities for Vegas… Anyone heard what the over/under for Sanchez interceptions is? How about pregame Twinkies by Rex Ryan?
And by most esteemed I mean the most unfunny, actually.
Even I, the most esteemed Jetsfag on this website, admit that Houston should be in the playoffs.
/blame the fat humps
//and cincinnatus
I’m glad Ape wrote this post. The schadenfreude is delicious.
Doug Brien delicious?
The funny thing is, knowing the Jets, they’ll probably beat Cincy in a 9-6 kickers fest, and then they’ll get by the Colts as Indy shits the bed due to not playing a meaningful football game in over a month. Then they’ll get murdered by San Diego.
Also, the reason the Jets fired Eric Mangini is because his defense (currently #1 in the NFL in points and yards allowed) couldn’t stop Shaun Hill, Seneca Wallace, and Chad Fucking Pennington.
/still agree with the “fuck Favre” sentiment though
I’m glad Ape wrote this post. The schadenfreude is delicious.
/we managed to beat the Raiders
//38-0
The days of the self loathing Jets fan are over. Men, we are fucking winners!!
Good question. Elsewhere, who the fuck has a basketball player as his icon on a football blog?
This is what happens when no one cares about the Texans………..
@ Dtimas
Mathis and Freeney play D-Line though..and yes…you sure “salted” away that game.
WHO. THE. FUCK. uses that phrase?
People seem to forget why Dislexy Rexy is there in the first place:
BECAUSE BRETT FAVRE TOLD THE
JETS TO FIRE THEIR LAST COACH
See, that’s funny, because everyone knew that Purple Judas wouldn’t be back to NY after last season. So why would they listen to the quarterback they were getting rid of in order to get rid of their coach. (In fact, it’s speculated that the real reason Man-dumbass was fired was that getting Favre was his idea that he talked the GM into.) Mangini is an awful coach, just look how he did this season. That’s why the Jets got rid of him.
Also, as much as Sunday night wasn’t a fair fight, I still think the Jets could take beat the Bengals if both teams had the same amount on the line. Especially if the Pussytubers were at home.
My prediction: Jets over Bengals, but not an ass-whooping like last week. Then they’ll lose to someone with a bye.
“And fuck their lucky motherfucking team.”
Yeah, how lucky we were to lose Leon Washington and Kris Jenkins halfway through the fucking season, then possibly our leading tackler for this week’s game, go 0-5 in games decided by less than six points, then kick the everfucking shit out of the Bengals’ STARTERS to get into the playoffs. Also, I wasn’t aware Peyton Manning played D-Line, which we fucking gashed in the fourth quarter to salt away the Colts game.
/fuck you guys
//wipes tear
@ThePirateSloth Sorry about that. I wasn’t trying to show you up, just throwing that condition out there just in case you were a Giants fan. In my experience, the only people I’ve heard say “New Jersey Jets” were Giants fans, whether they were from NY or NJ. I’ve not heard other teams’ fans from the area (Boys’, Eagles’, etc fans) say NJJ. It’s a way they put the Jets fans down.m Since I alsdo hate both teams, I like to remind them who was here longer.
My next-door neighbor is an asshole Jets fan and I have friends in Houston, so the Jets are welcome to choke on a dong. Though they’ll probably beat Cincinnati.
Hey! I only worked in the mailroom for the first three months I was there. After that, my 10-inch stories about county council meetings practically kept that paper afloat.
How do you feel about a bounty on a commenter? Nothing permanent, just some fleshy area bruising. I’m sure Monkey Business has lots of fleshy area. I’ll put up ten bucks.
Nice work, Ape. As a Jets fan, I’m proud to say that you sufficiently pissed me off enough to want to start up a newspaper business, hire you to work the mailroom and then trash your ass for being a douchebag in public.
But that’s what Hating is all about, so thumbs up.
Fuck all you Jets haters … #1 defense #1 running game in the NFL.
Hope the lucky ass jets beat the Bengals so they can return to Indy and NOT be handed a game by one Curtis Painter. Freeney and Mathis will send Nacho home crying.
@UU: “bitter” = redundant.
battleship manning? did he really say that?
@LWC, yes I was being sarcastic. My point being if you lost to the Bills how good can you be. Colts excluded.
/bitter Bills fan
but seriously: what inconsistent-bordering-on-shitty 9-7/8-8 team deserved to get in more?
Seriously. You want to complain, Houston fans? Try not losing to Jacksonville twice. (And don’t tell me they didn’t get a soft win at the end there themselves.)
@Monkey Fuckstick:
Dude, can you go a post where you don’t reference your dream date and the team he plays for? For fucks sake, go blow yourself.
Not you. Ryno.
/Plans another 6 month layoff till next post.
@upstate underdog
funny, because they didn’t. first time around jets threw 6 Interceptions (5 for Sanchez) and wasted 318 rushing yards to lose the game.
/might have missed your sarcasm
I become forced to post when someone else’s written masturbation interrupts my otherwise pleasant form.
Uh, all right. Don’t get all Monkey Business on me. At least those other teams didn’t essentially get spotted two wins.
theyll beat the bungles, they might just beat the colts, the trick is to keep sanchez from throwing the ball and if he absolutely has to, dont throw to bray bray the clown.
This should be enshrined somewhere as the perfect example of a sports rant. This is one of the most outstanding written works I have ever read in my life. It started awesome, got better with every word, and saved the best for last. This is a Goddamn national treasure right here.
@blart – Agreed. Looking at everything considered, if Houston would have made some NOSIE in week one against the J-E-S-T, it would be the Chimera rolling into Cincinatti and would’ve had the playoff picture a lot less muddled in week 17….
/no one cares about the Texans
//but goddamn watching Andre Johnson is fun
///prays for DT/RB help in the draft.
@Ape
Agreed. The post was to make a point that all these teams don’t “deserve” to get in. I become forced to post when someone else’s written masturbation interrupts my otherwise pleasant form.
Also, I’d love nothing more than the Jets to beat a team they’re perfectly lined up to destroy again. That way ESPN has nothing to write about the Jets for another 7 days.
@Danzibar – nope, I hate the Giants equally as much. but almost every Jets fan I have ever met always never seems to be from NY, only from North Jersey.
Nice try at trying to show me up though.
In the Jets defense they did beat Buffalo twice.
The only thing I respect on either of those crap, fake-NY teams is the fact that they named the new stadium Meadowlands Arena as opposed to letting some corporation slap their name up there. Fuck names like Heinz Field and FedEx Field.
Also, @ThePirateSloth in case you’re one of those Giants fans who claim the Giants are a NY team while the Jets are Jersey’s team… the Giants were playing in Jersey 8 years before the Jets.
Stop trolling Monkey Business, you’re taking Atoll on our weekly Bikinis. Per usual.
The Steelers lost to Cle/Oak/KC
They also went 4-3 against playoff teams. And beat the Dolphins, who swept the Jets.
Denver went 2-8 over it’s final 10 games, and the Titans started 0-6.
The Jets had gone 4-7 since starting 3-0. Their only quality wins were in those first three weeks. Not saying that there was an obviously deserving 9-7 team in the AFC, but you know there’s no chance the Jets beat both Indy and Cincy (or even either) if those teams gave a shit.
Good call Ryno,
The Steelers lost to Cle/Oak/KC, Denver went 2-8 over it’s final 10 games, and the Titans started 0-6. Let’s nitpick about a game that the Jets lost to an over .500 team, the teams only loss in its final 6 games.
You could have simply posted anything Jersey Shore related for this post and that would have been enough to hate the New Jersey Jets.
/Claps while chanting, “Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate.”
Interestingly, all my Jets friends are of Spanish or Asian descent. It’s the Giants fans who over Italianize everything: fuck you, Phil, it’s not pronounced mutts-a-rel!
@Cutlerception: I think you mean that Peter King would be rolling over in his gravy.
@Zero Charisma
Rex Ryan thinks Sanchez floated over there on a stack of tires. The door is still open.
okay, they caught their breaks–like every inconsistent-bordering-on-shitty 9-7/8-8 low seed every year before them–but seriously: what inconsistent-bordering-on-shitty 9-7/8-8 team deserved to get in more? i know it was week one, but the houston chimera laid a complete egg against sexy rexy, aside from the first of many sanchise TAINTs.
The Falcons played one of the worst games in the history of the NFL three weeks ago against the Jets and ended up winning 10-7.
The Jets missed 3 kicks and forgot to cover Tony Gonzalez on 4th and goal from the 3. They absolutely don’t deserve to be in the playoffs.
Superbowl is in Miami this year?
/looks at Jets roster to see if there are any hometown Miami boys that will give my team a win “Bettis” style
//nope…we’re boned.
/reads Monkey Business’ comment
//face palm
@Aaron Ross/Rouse
Good call- I was going for the douchey announcer over-emphasis. Kinda like how Jet fans over italianize basic pasta dishes when ordering from Sbarro.
But Sanchez has so much poise…