Cashier: Here you are, sir. That’s two double cheeseburgers, a spicy chicken sandwich, two regular fries, one order of onion rings, a strawberry shake and three side sugar pies. Total comes to $21.56.
Derek from Munchie: Yea-heah! Sugar pies! Killer! Our governor bet that loser governor from Maryland that we would give up our awesome Indiana sugar pies if the Colts lost. Suckers! Colts weren’t gonna lose. They had to know that. Now we got their old team, plus we get to keep our sugar pies.
Cashier: I’m glad we kept our sugar pies. Now could you-
Derek from Munchie: Bet yer sweet ass you are! [Honks horn in rhythm] UNITED! WE! STAND! UNITED! WE! STAND! UNITED! WE! STAND! UNITED! WE! STAND!
[Cars behind him honk]
Derek: They feel it! They totally feel it! United We Stand is the slogan the Colts came up with for the playoffs. It’s so deep and meaningful. Because we as Colts Nation are a singular force hellbent on bringing home the grail. When we put our minds to something, nothing can stop us.
[Throws up The Shoe]
Cashier: Please. You’re holding up the line.
Derek: Line? For Sunday? Colts favored by 8. Kinda low if you ask me. Should be at least 12. By the way, Bill Polian is such a genius. He knew that by letting the Jets get into the playoffs, they would take care of the pesky Chargers for us, then we could beat them to advance to the Super Bowl. Last year, the Steelers were just lucky to play an 8-8 team and a 11-5 team on the way to the title. We got two 9-7 teams in the playoffs because we think ahead. Like Peyton, who is always at least six steps ahead of the defense.
Also, do you know where the Super Bowl is this year? Miami. THAT’S WHERE WE WON IT LAST TIME. I just heard that they’re changing the name of that stadium again. What’s the point? Just make it Manning Stadium because Peyton wins all his titles there. But then the Miami people would probably just complain ’cause they’re jealous. I’ve never been there, but I bet it probably sucks. They have crime and we don’t.
Cashier: Okay. I’m glad you’re happy about the Colts, but
Derek: Everybody knows Indiana is the shit right now. We even got that awesome show Parks & Recreation set here. It’s SO funny. Like, every time they suggest Indiana is a drab and miserable place, I laugh so freakin’ hard, ’cause I know they don’t really mean that. Why else would they set it here?
NBC, a company based in NEW YORK, makes a hit show about Indiana. That just proves they wish they were us. Jets fans obviously do. Just wait until Battleship Manning (my killer new nickname for him) drops bombs on Revis Island. Then he pulls up to the port of Miami.
Cashier: New York has TV shows too.
Derek: Yeah, but they’re gay. What show is set in New York? 30 Rock? What’s the deal with that show? It has that woman who used to be on Saturday Night Live and now all she’s doing is making fun of SNL. Bitch. That’s dumb anyway, because SNL is awesome. Especially when Peyton Manning hosts it, which he should do every week. Who wouldn’t watch that?
Cashier: I don’t know, but could you just pay your total now?
Derek: Hold up – does your company take donations for Haiti? I was watching the game on Saturday and they kept mentioning that Pierre Gar-kon comes from there, which is important now because there was a flood or something. I don’t know exactly. But I want to help because GAR-KON is awesome. It would help if it wasn’t called Haiti. Sounds like HATE. Better off with Garkonia. Then more Colts fans would shell out. We could send Battleship Manning with supplies.
Cashier: You know what? Take the food. No charge. Just go.
Derek: What? Free food! AW, KILLER SWEET! Thanks lady. I’m so coming back tomorrow.
I want more like this!
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