Cashier: Here you are, sir. That’s two double cheeseburgers, a spicy chicken sandwich, two regular fries, one order of onion rings, a strawberry shake and three side sugar pies. Total comes to $21.56.
Derek from Munchie: Yea-heah! Sugar pies! Killer! Our governor bet that loser governor from Maryland that we would give up our awesome Indiana sugar pies if the Colts lost. Suckers! Colts weren’t gonna lose. They had to know that. Now we got their old team, plus we get to keep our sugar pies.
Cashier: I’m glad we kept our sugar pies. Now could you-
Derek from Munchie: Bet yer sweet ass you are! [Honks horn in rhythm] UNITED! WE! STAND! UNITED! WE! STAND! UNITED! WE! STAND! UNITED! WE! STAND!
[Cars behind him honk]
Derek: They feel it! They totally feel it! United We Stand is the slogan the Colts came up with for the playoffs. It’s so deep and meaningful. Because we as Colts Nation are a singular force hellbent on bringing home the grail. When we put our minds to something, nothing can stop us.
[Throws up The Shoe]
Cashier: Please. You’re holding up the line.
Derek: Line? For Sunday? Colts favored by 8. Kinda low if you ask me. Should be at least 12. By the way, Bill Polian is such a genius. He knew that by letting the Jets get into the playoffs, they would take care of the pesky Chargers for us, then we could beat them to advance to the Super Bowl. Last year, the Steelers were just lucky to play an 8-8 team and a 11-5 team on the way to the title. We got two 9-7 teams in the playoffs because we think ahead. Like Peyton, who is always at least six steps ahead of the defense.
Also, do you know where the Super Bowl is this year? Miami. THAT’S WHERE WE WON IT LAST TIME. I just heard that they’re changing the name of that stadium again. What’s the point? Just make it Manning Stadium because Peyton wins all his titles there. But then the Miami people would probably just complain ’cause they’re jealous. I’ve never been there, but I bet it probably sucks. They have crime and we don’t.
Cashier: Okay. I’m glad you’re happy about the Colts, but
Derek: Everybody knows Indiana is the shit right now. We even got that awesome show Parks & Recreation set here. It’s SO funny. Like, every time they suggest Indiana is a drab and miserable place, I laugh so freakin’ hard, ’cause I know they don’t really mean that. Why else would they set it here?
REGGIE!
NBC, a company based in NEW YORK, makes a hit show about Indiana. That just proves they wish they were us. Jets fans obviously do. Just wait until Battleship Manning (my killer new nickname for him) drops bombs on Revis Island. Then he pulls up to the port of Miami.
[Another Shoe]
Cashier: New York has TV shows too.
Derek: Yeah, but they’re gay. What show is set in New York? 30 Rock? What’s the deal with that show? It has that woman who used to be on Saturday Night Live and now all she’s doing is making fun of SNL. Bitch. That’s dumb anyway, because SNL is awesome. Especially when Peyton Manning hosts it, which he should do every week. Who wouldn’t watch that?
Cashier: I don’t know, but could you just pay your total now?
Derek: Hold up – does your company take donations for Haiti? I was watching the game on Saturday and they kept mentioning that Pierre Gar-kon comes from there, which is important now because there was a flood or something. I don’t know exactly. But I want to help because GAR-KON is awesome. It would help if it wasn’t called Haiti. Sounds like HATE. Better off with Garkonia. Then more Colts fans would shell out. We could send Battleship Manning with supplies.
Cashier: You know what? Take the food. No charge. Just go.
Derek: What? Free food! AW, KILLER SWEET! Thanks lady. I’m so coming back tomorrow.
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The Indianapolis Colts are in the playoffs. Your team is not. NA NA NA NA BOO BOO!!!!
It is clear to me now. The Fat Hump Nation of Indianapolis is composed of whiny, dripping vages who take everything way too seriously. Do you see me complaining every time they post a Wade and Jerry post? No you don’t because it’s fucking hilarious and the Cowboys aren’t the only team that KSK makes fun of.
God you people are pathetic. And stop gathering all of your information about NYC from USA Today. They cater to the lowest common denom…oh wait you midwestern jagoffs are the lowest common denominator. Well carry on then.
/hates dumbfuckistan even more now
I can’t believe they’re still going on and on about this. They still don’t get it.
I now understand why Larry the Cable Guy is a rich man.
I believe I have, in fact. The fatasses in IN don’t get out as much as the fatasses in NY, evidently…
I’m a Colts fan and all I can say is BRING IT woman.
//seriously just respond to jokes with more jokes Fat Humps nation, y’all are coming across as lil bitches
@TheShortBus – “I’ve seen just about as man fatasses walking around the streets of Manhattan as I have the streets of Indianapolis”
no you haven’t (good grammar though)
What is up with this “fat hump” shit? This entire nation is one big cesspool of fat people, while hate on Indiana? I’ve seen just about as many fatasses walking around the streets of Manhattan as I have the streets of Indianapolis.
And even so…what’s the “hump” part of it referring to??
I think you’ll find Wade and Jerry posts have far more fat jokes than posts about Colts fans. The main thing we’re harping on is that the fat humps never shut the fuck up and can’t take criticism, two points that have been more than reinforced by the response to this post.
@christmas ape
Maybe people didn’t complain because generally you do a better than mediocre-to-shit job of ridiculing a fan base. Or more than likely they didn’t complain because you never used to make fun of them. I realize this is just a blog designed around being completely fucking ridiculous, but these posts honestly just feel lazy. it seems most people think the comments are funnier than the actual post, which makes up for your perceived lack of effort. i used to live in indy, i’m not offended by any of this (maybe cause i’m not fat?), maybe i should’ve seen this coming given the way you make fun of boston fans simply based on their accent and overall douchebagery, or maybe i’m just somehow above fat jokes but still able to find humor in a joke that makes fun of the heritage of an asian wide receiver. who knows. whatever. i’ll keep reading and you’ll keep rambling on about fat humps.
/philadelphia only seems like less of a shit hole because of it’s always sunny
For the love of Nate Kaeding’s useless leg! I’m an eagles fan. We have one of the fattest, most obnoxious fanbases in existence. If you’ve come to this site for more than a week, you’ll know about the emo eagles tagged posts that exist just to mock us. We laugh at these posts, because KSK is not about “representing” for your team. It is about hating everything and everyone NFL related. Thanks to Monkey Business, I now hate Colts fans more than any other group save Cowboy fans. That’s right, you fuckers just leapfrogged Giants, Redskins, Patriots, and Raider fans by being UNABLE TO TAKE A FUCKING JOKE! Die.
/cries into yuengling over another season without a lombardi
//shoves cheesesteak into face
///seriously, Indianapolis is a shit hole
Alright, everyone calm down. All this talk of In-N-Out and Five Guys is making Christmas Ape horny.
Eat a dick Ape, jealous fucker.
What’s especially funny about humps using the “jealous” line (which Derek uses frequently in the post – thanks for validating my character) on me is that I have absolutely zero reason to be jealous of Colts fans. I sure as fuck am not jealous of where they live. The team I root for has won more titles and has never lost to the Colts in the playoffs (in three meetings). They have nothing on me.
I just enjoy hating on them, because they get so worked up and it’s hilarious. Keep fuming.
Ape needs a hug.
I’m fucking glad the Jags aren’t in the playoffs for once.
LMFAO. Colts all the way. Eat a dick Ape, jealous fucker.
“NYC is one of the most racist places in America. Brooklyn, the Bronx, Queens are full of racist. Blacks and latinos are beaten for walking down the street in some of those neighborhoods.”
The fuck you say?
I think what can be concluded from the massive pissing and moaning going on in this thread is that Colts fans can’t take a gentle ribbing and are fucking sopping cunts.
the piss-poor job you do at making fun of Colts fans
Actually, considering the barrage of weepy bullshit I’ve elicited, it’s obvious that I did a better than average job.
Now kindly get fucked. I don’t see you complaining about how we make fun of teams that you don’t root for, you spazzy little hump.
Northern California = best weed in the U.S.
@peyton’s jockstrap ::Slow clap::
@ Ape
When I said this site wasn’t funny anymore yesterday I was alluding to the piss-poor job you do at making fun of Colts fans….I know that you can do better and I am getting my popcorn ready.
IT’S SATIRE PEOPLE
I just found a picture of peyton’s jockstrap
$100 for an ounce of good weed?
Somebody must really have no concept about what qualifies as “good” weed.
Largest municipal park in the united states is in Gnome Alaska, followed by St. Louis’ Forest Park. just fyi, you’re wrong and your state sucks
Your move, Harrisburg Chamber of Commerce.
Ryan White was from Indiana, and he died of AIDS.
Coincidence?
No one is going to read that.
Sugar Cream pies are an Amish tradition. Many Amish in northern and southern Indiana. Watch out for the buggies.
Iarias Italian restaurant is 6 blocks from Lilly’s world headquarters and is awesome. Indy has many authentic Italian places. Holy Rosary Catholic Church has one of the best Italian festivals in America.
St. Elmos sucks. There are many great restaurants in Indy that are not national chains. St. Elmos broils their steaks for Christ’s sake. It SUCKS.
Indy has beautiful women. My friends from Fla. tell me this all the time. If you haven’t noticed, obesity is a national epidemic, primarily affecting those of lower economic status and minorities.
Indy is the amateur sports capitol of America. Our downtown is clean. fun and safe, many good clubs, good live music scene, cheap drinks and a total lack of pretension. People are friendly, helpful and down to earth.
Indy has awesome municipal golf courses. You can play 18 holes on a nice course for $20.00. Eagle Creek Park is the largest municipal park in America, (yes larger and safer than Central Park) sporting two of the finest parkland (Pete Dye) 18 hole layouts anywhere.
Indy has the best Children’s Museum in America. Just saw the ‘TUTANKHAMUN AND THE GOLDEN AGE OF THE PHARAOHS’ exhibition there, Awesome !
Indy has an awesome community spirit where people actually help and support each other and contribute the the common good. Very few haters overall. Are we hicks ? for the most part, hell yes, so what. If I was hungry, down on my luck, broke down on the side of the road, lost looking for directions, walking downtown late at night, I think I’d take my chances here rather than most anywhere.
The KKK stuff is old. We have one of the most racially harmonious and diverse populations in America. When MKL was assassinated, RFK was here campaigning for president and gave one of the most moving speeches on race in America ever given. We had no rioting. Much of America burned that night, but not here. The goodwill between black and white created that night still exist. NYC is one of the most racist places in America. Brooklyn, the Bronx, Queens are full of racist. Blacks and latinos are beaten for walking down the street in some of those neighborhoods. Giant Staduim is full of fat, unshaven yobs crammed into snowmobile suits with cigars stuck in their yaps (human bratwurst).
Southern Indiana is beautiful, great hunting, hiking, mountain biking, covered bridges, excellent home grown pot,
small towns, hilly rugged terrain, great scenery.
Excellent spectator sports, Indy 500, Moto GP, unlimited hydroplane racing, dirt track racing, great high school basketball.
Indiana is an affordable place to live. An ounce of good weed goes for $100.00 (match that New York)We are reverent to the past and what made America great, hence the monuments everywhere.
In closing, it’s a badge of honor to be hated on this site. You say our team will be shit after Peyton retires. Bullshit, Polian is what made this team great and his son Chris will take over when he retires. He’s our GM and director of player personel now. We spend $7,000,000 a year on our 25 man scouting dept. They are on the road 40 weeks a year. Have you ever wondered where all these undrafted, unheard of , free agents come from? We spend the least in free agency of any team in the NFL. 44 players on our roster have never played for an other NFL team. So get used to it folks, this franchise is not going anywhere. Signed to a new 30 year lease. Front office set for the next generation.
The Baltimore Colts are just a fading relic of the past. The Indianapolis Colts will be remembered as one of the greatest franchises in NFL history. So hate away, and please be as funny as possible as you do it, as I love this site and the twisted humorist who frequent it.
I wouldn’t describe Indiana as the anus of the US. No, the anus of the US is clearly Ohio. I would describe Indiana as the boil right next to the anus.
How lucky I’m in NW Indiana, land of steel mills, lake effect snow, the central time zone, the Indiana dunes, but most importantly Bears fans. The rest of the state is a travesty.
http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/food/2010/01/20/2010-01-20_whos_got_better_food_indiana_vs_new_york.html
Not much to the article but it was on the subject.
No mention of sugar pies though.
Oh God, Monkey Business, you’re a Hoosier? Jesus, as if you couldn’t big a bigger dicktard than you are already.
This proud Jets fan AND Boilermaker will be looking for you at the game. You know, to shake your hand. And maybe to get to touch your cankle. That’d be neat.
All this talk about In-N-Out and Five Guys is making me extremely hungry. Damn you all for having good taste.
/orders a 3×3 and a chocolate shake
This is the Jets year Nachos
/jerks off with noose around neck
/molested as child
/Karl is probably fat
if there is someone more insufferable than monkey business then god help us all
What some of the Fat Humps fans don’t understand is that every fucking team gets shit at KSK not just their precious Colts. My God I can’t stand all the pissing and moaning that comes from Midwesterners bitching about how everyone picks on only them. I am from Minnesota and we are called fat and constantly get made fun of by people using Fargo accents, but do I bitch about it? No because I am not a sensitive Pussy that cries about people stereotyping parts of the country. For fuck sakes just take it for what it is good satire and STFU.
@Ninja Hands Harrison:
Purdue: when drinking, casual sex, and plants “aren’t your thing”.
Seriously, West Lafayette is fat hump central. You think we’re bad? God help you if you make fun of Purdue. They’re insufferable.
\Proud Hoosier alum
\\Purdue can eat a dick
\\\Illinois too
Please you fuckers from Indiana, do NOT make me hate the Colts. I liked Dungy, he always came to our “You’re-Black-And-Haven’t-Dropped-Out-Of-School-Yet” dinners in Tampa and still like him. I find Peyton Manning to be the most amusing quarterback in the NFL because he’s about as elusive as a barrel of fish nailed to an aircraft carrier. Also, they were the foils to the Patriots and it’s not like the Dolphins were going to be any good and beat them so I had to live vicariously through you ever so slightly.
So shut up. They hate every team. That’s what this site is about. If the Dolphins ever start winning, they’re going to complain about bandwagon fans and Joey Porter and how Dan Marino sucked (fuck you) and how it’s the ugly version of California and Mercury Morris. And I won’t get butt hurt and go to “Dol-phans” and say “OMGZ someone is WRONG ON THE INTERNET!” because you know what? They’re fucking WINNING for the first time in my GODDAMN MISERABLE TWENTY FUCK FOUR YEARS OF LIFE SO FUCK ALL Y’ALL.
ENJOY IT. AND THEN EAT ANOTHER BACON LOG. FUCK. ERS.
I’m going to be so fucking upset if everyone switches all their hate to the Colts and their fans and stops hating the Patriots.
You’re funny.
Funny how Derek thinks Indiana has no crime. In the three years I lived in Indy, I was a crime victim more times than during the three years I lived in the friggin’ Third World.
Of course, the neighborhood I lived in in Indy kinda resembled the Third World…..
I respect the Colts as a great football team, but they have absolutely no personality. Might as well watch a simulated game of Madden; it’s like rooting for a computer to win.
If Peyton Manning dies, he dies.
Fuck the Colts.
I’m going to be so fucking upset if everyone switches all their hate to the Colts and their fans and stops hating the Patriots.
/crossing fingers this won’t happen
//oh wtf do I care, I live in Chicago
///I’d rather blow my best friend’s creepy husband than eat Steak and Shake
The worst Colts fans are the ones in Northwest Indiana; the area is decidedly Bears country (since it’s only 30 miles from Chicago), but now a solid 30-35% of football fans in the area are Colts fans because they’re a bunch of fairweather mouth-breathing jerkstores. Fucking makes me hate my state.
/born in Illinois
//not much better
///Steak and Shake tastes like hot garbage
I know I’m late to the party here, but I just wanted to say that I hate Colts fans almost as much as Patriots and Eagles fans now. I never ever thought any other fanbase could even come close to those two in terms my hatred for them. Congratulations you fat white trash Hoosiers. Go jerk off while listening to Jack and Diane. And thanks for these posts Ape.
Indiana sucks. The Steelers fan base sucks. Water is wet. Sky is blue. Christina Hendricks’ boobies are massive. Why are we arguing about this?
DICK JOKE
Has this really degenerated into a thread about who can claim which fast food chain? Dear Lord. Colts fans are even lamer than their KSK parodies.
don’t forget indianapolis is home of the draft combine EVERY YEAR
…re reinforcing my hatred of them and they’re hapless leader MB
Yeah, there terrible.
Needs more IU cheering assuming Derek is like most and has never seen the campus
/inferiority complex addled Purdue alum
All this talk of lazy-brained fat humps outliving their usefulness and nobody mentions that NCAA headquarters is in Indianapolis.
Colts fan here…I have no doubt that we’re a clueless bandwagoning fanbase well deserving of ridicule, but I can’t hear you over the sound of how god damn awesome my team is. And yes, we’ll probably get raped by the dirty sanchize this Sunday. But hey, the first 14 games of the season were fun. And lets get this out of the way once and for all-hell yes it’s nice to see another team take out San Diego.
According to the Wikipedia page on Steak N’ Shake, it was founded in Illinois, but its corporate headquarters is presently in Indianapolis. So I guess they can take some civic pride in that.
Still, that’s a pretty sad and stereotype-reinforcing badge of honor.
Seconding Safety Dan, maybe figure out what you’re talking about before you use tired shit like “industrial shitstain” when talking about Pittsburgh. Stop sounding like someone who’s never been to a town with its very own hill. Indy wishes it was Pittsburgh in that regard.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/08/business/economy/08collapse.html
/non-yinzer
//pro-fact
///anti-hump
Did Bawlmer put up Park’s Sausage in the bet?
All the Colts fans responding are reinforcing my hatred of them and they’re hapless leader MB. At the start of this year, I couldn’t care less about them. Now, I hope every Colts fan has a fucking heart attack and dies when they choke again, like every year.
Steak ‘N Shake sucks my balls. Like it was posted by nearly everyone else, you can’t claim Steak ‘N Shake as your own, they’re fucking everywhere. Nice try.
Fat Humps.
@Monkey Business:
I’m a Detroiter, so I could have low standards, but Pitt is far from a failing industrial waste land. It’s actually rather nice. A few districts you need to stay the hell out of, but the Southside and other areas are nice. Only real industry crap is that one steel plant that fucks up the air quality when the wind is just right. Good biomedical sector for the educated folks.
Beside, what does Indianapolis have going for it? Speedway said “Fuck you” and went its own way back in 1926. As for hell holes, you just outsourced everything to Gary.
Oh and if the Hoosiers ever get good at basketball again, you can bet these fat humps will go back to not caring, regardless of who’s the QB.
Additionally, Bob Sanders is the most overrated player in the NFL.
@Eltron: so you work in Manhattan and you do what exactly…walk through the sewers to get home because it reminds you of Indianapolis? Or maybe you walk through the Subway tunnels to burn off the Applebees you had at lunch. The rest of us who used to live and still work in NYC don’t see rats when we walk past leaf piles maybe because we’re too busy getting from one nice hotspot to a fine piece of ass to notice. Or we’re taking the subway or driving in our American made foreign car enjoying all that the best city on the planet has to offer.
Please don’t try to drag NYC down to FATHUMPVILLE level dude, that’s just one battle neither you nor your legendary Battleship can win.
/Starts cheering for Jets just because I want to see cholesterol stained tears on your Manning jersey.
Since almost everyone with an 8th grade education leaves Indy there are a lot of Colt fans in Chicago and ho-lee shit are they most annoying fucks at a bar with NFL Sunday Ticket on game day.
Loud? Absolutely. Ignorant about the sport? You know it. John Cassavetes liked to take Indiana girls back up to Laurel Canyon have his way then make them walk back down to Sunset. *weak attempt at Evans*
Of course, seeing a Colts jersey in Chicago before 2001 was like seeing the Loch Ness monster.
Nice work MB. Now to print 60k shirts for Sunday.
“Pittsburgh is like that one cheerleader who just let herself go after high school and now weighs 400 pounds, has one leg, no teeth, and rides around on a Rascal.”
And how is your mother these days, Monkey Business?
Enjoy, KSK:
http://monkeybiziu.deviantart.com/art/Fat-Humps-151029697
/puts two cents back in pocket
Can’t anyone else see that Eltron’s a chick, that why it can’t stop talking/posting.
@tafka – i’m actually in Stamford CT but work in NY.
@thepiratesloth – stop it or i’ll put on some yellowcard and start crying!
Because YOU are fucking emo Eltron. That’s why.
well eltron, i’d say theres no way in living fuck you’re in NY. xmas ape could answer the question quickly for us by doing a little IP check.
@nathon – has nothing to do with being a colts fan. my general experience with people from the east coast – mostly people from boston to be fair – has not been pleasant. out here it’s more about “what can i get for myself out of this”
fat hump is kind of a stupid name btw.
@ sex cannon – hell we had to go through jeff george so can you blame us? it’s like when someone gets rich and then goes crazy. the colts sucked forever, and now that they are good every year we don’t know what to do.
i’m not offended i’m just joining the fray and shooting back. why is it acceptable for all of you to blast us but when we start making our own comments it’s us “whining” or “being emo”
“but being weird, selfish, and generally skeevy people is.”
OMG, people in the Midwest are so fucking innocent compared to us miserable cockwipes here on the East Coast. Can’t you all just see how morally superior Colts fans are to all of us? They still know what it means to be real Americans out there in Indiana!
I just wanted to point out that Steak N Shake is, in fact, glorious, and that Whitecastle (and Krystal, for that matter) are massively overrated and only delicious if you are very, very high.
Also, a note on Colts fans: have you ever noticed, when someone tells you that they are a Colts fan, that they have a sense of self-importance and superiority about them? It’s like they expect my approval simply because they don’t root for the Patriots.
As a Cowboys fan, I know damn well how irritating we can be, but we can also take criticism ( any team that had Quincy Fucking Carter as a QB had better be able to handle it). Seeing how butt-hurt Colts fans get when anyone takes a shot at them is borderline nauseating.
does this site have a forum? colts.forum.com is too boring
“@fangirls on helium: Wanna split some cheese fries and a sugar pie? :)”
I call bullshit on you splitting your food with anyone, unless you double your original order. Even that’s a stretch (like the elastic on your tighty whities).
New York: culture? really? trust me buddy – i’ve lived out here for 6 years and there isn’t a drop of culture in that fucking city. also, have you ever walked the fucking streets of manhattan at night? you can’t walk through a pile of leaves without kicking 20 rats. and recently they’ve been attacking dogs! ahh what a fantastic city.
smells great during the summer too.
bravos=chain fat hump
Saw smoke coming from this entry… had to make sure everyone was alright… wow.
Usually I pull for the Colts because of Manning, but, I can’t help but adopt the Jets as my playoff team; especially after they beat those asshole Chargers.
I’ve been to Indy a few times, and I can definitely backup the fact that there are more than a few fat humps there. Disgusting city.
/Broncos fan
//adopting the Jets
///burn in grease, Fat Humps!