01.25.10
Peter King Spies Himself A New Tebeau
When we last left artful barista Peter King, he was detailing how the Colts define themselves, typing with great sarcasm, and still curious as to why TSA officials won’t do a more thorough cavity search. If bombs can be hidden in underwear, surely they can be hidden in places even more intimate.
So what about this week? Will we get a touching story about Mark Sanchez hugging his dad before the game, even though every player on every team hugs family members before any game if they happen to be in attendance? How did the conference championships affect Red Sox City? Did Peter use a car? And will he drone on and on and on about Brett Favre’s heartache? I think you know the answer to that. Let’s get this over with.
“Poor Breleigh,” Brett Favre said almost inaudibly, after hugging half of his organization and getting emotional with a few fellows, mostly Sidney Rice.
Breleigh? Who gives a shit about Breliegh? She’s probably the only kid in high school who drives a Lexus SUV with a fucking confederate flag sticker on the back windshield.
Breleigh’s the daughter who urged him so strongly to come back last summer, and now Favre was thinking how distraught she must be. “I’m sure her heart’s broken.”
I’m sure I don’t give a shit. YOU RUINED US, YOU FUCKING DICK. NOW I HAVE TO SIT HERE FOR EIGHT MONTHS WHILE YOU DO YOUR FUCKING UNRETIRING CRAP, CONTINUALLY PUSHING BACK THE DREADED “LET’S START T-JACK FOR ANOTHER YEAR” WASTE OF A SEASON AND FUCKING GOD DAMMIT THIS TEAM WILL NEVER GO TO A SUPER BOWL AND I HOPE THEY ALL DIE IN A FIREQUAKE.
Pause.
PAUSE!!!! SOMETHING DRAMATIC IS ABOUT TO BE SAID!
“Of course, so is mine.”
“But watch as I bravely tape my heart back up and then go out on the field and smile! CAUSE I’M BRITTFAR AND I LOVE THIS GAME!”
No matter what you think of Favre
I think he’s a fucking piece of shit.
– and it’s no secret that through his ugly divorce with the Packers and his unending waffling about playing or not playing that he’s the most charismatic and interesting player I’ve covered in my life
Wait, what? “No matter what you think of Favre – and let there be no doubt that I ADORE HIM”…
– you have to admire how he bleeds in front of us.
YOU HAVE TO LOVE THE ACCESS HE GIVES ME! LOOK AT ALL THIS GREAT COPY I’M GETTING! IT’S LIKE I BARELY HAVE TO FORM A COGENT THOUGHT!
He goes out and gets the snot knocked out of him (“We were determined to hit him over and over and make him feel it,” said none other than his old friend with the Packers, Saints safety Darren Sharper), somehow survives, then makes a throw he never should have made. And he stands there for the inquisition and answers the questions as honestly as I think a man can in these circumstances.
Yes, so brave. SO GRITTY. HE LEADS THE LEAGUE IN GUTS AND ORGANS. Yes people, let us all circle around Brett Favre and marvel at his ability to answer questions that are asked of him. So courageous. His tape balls should be bronzed and then placed along the DC reflecting pool.
“I thought when I got hit [the high-low Saints sandwich late in the third quarter], my ankle was broken,” he said. “I felt a lot of crunching in there.”
I told him I thought it was a late hit.
THEY HIT YOU LATE, BRETTY! THAT WASN’T FAIR! Stay with me tonight. I’M ALL THE WOMAN YOU NEED!
Favre released the ball and was hit high by one rusher and low by another; the low hit looked like the kind of hit below the waist that deserved a flag.
They were trying to HURT my poor Bretty! YOU CAN’T DO THAT! HE CARES SO MUCH! LITTLE BRELEIGH MIGHT LOOK UP FROM HER IPHONE AND SEE THAT DADDY IS SUFFERING!
My feeling is he’ll be back for another season because he feels at home in Minnesota, as Tim Layden wrote so well in Sports Illustrated this week…
In case you didn’t read that article, it includes a quote from Deanna Favre that said, “I think God brought us here.” Well, lemme tell you something, Deanna. I lived in Minnesota for seven years. If God brought you there, it’s because he doesn’t fucking like you.
…and because he likes his teammates so much, but I have no inside information on it.
Do I know if he’s coming back? I don’t know. Could the Hadron Collider actually be a giant rice cooker? I don’t know. Did anyone just see me dig into my ass right there when I had that itch? I don’t know. Does Lane Kiffin sprout bat wings at night? MAYBE. The GALL of that man. The unrelenting GALL. The magnanimous GALL. The perpetualtuitous GALL. I don’t know. These are all just guesses.
When the Vikings had third-and-10 at the New Orleans 33 with 19 seconds left in a 28-28 game, they planned to call a running play to get a couple of yards closer. Then Ryan Longwell would trot onto the field for a field goal of between 45 and 50 yards.
Please note that was the Vikings’ plan. They did all that on purpose. And that’s why Brad Childress needs to be dropped into an abbatoir.
As Favre said to me: “You try to say it’s just a game, and of course it is. You know that’s the case. But it still hurts.”
God, I hate you.
No way you can blame Brad Childress for this loss…
/head explodes
/headless body twitches on ground
…but he made a couple of odd playcalls and non-timeout calls in the fourth quarter that’ll be debated for a while in the Great North.
NO WAY you can blame Brad Childress for this loss… unless you count all that horrible shit he did.
As I said, I don’t think the blame for this loss should be on Childress by any means, but he certainly did his part to muck it up in the last 2:37.
I don’t think you should blame Childress for this loss. Just blame him for all those things he did that helped CONTRIBUTE to the loss. See how that’s different?
The two keys to the victory, to me, are Sean Payton (for setting the tone that a coach who models himself after Bill Parcells and Jon Gruden can set) and Drew Brees (for being a good leader and a community leader and a franchise quarterback). Think back about them. Payton interviewed for the Green Bay coaching job and the Saints’ job in 2006. He preferred the Green Bay job, obviously, because of the quarterback stability (Favre and Aaron Rodgers were there) and because of the instability of the Saints after Hurricane Katrina. The Packers’ job came down to him and Mike McCarthy. The Packers picked McCarthy.
“Uh… my bad.”
/Ted Thompsoned
(Brees and Payton) were orphans of the NFL, in a way, in a place where there were so many orphans of the storm.
Holy shit, that’s the worst correlation ever made between any group of people. Hey, they were just like old and infirm people stranded on rooftops, not knowing if the rest of their family was alive or dead!
I’ll say only one thing about the overtime rule: It stinks.
Of course, you knew Peter King would complain about the overtime rules after a game which the Vikings, and I say this as a Vikings fan – CLEARLY DESERVED TO FUCKING LOSE. They shouldn’t have even had overtime. They should have gone to the judge’s cards after regulation and awarded the game to New Orleans. “We’ll vote for the team that didn’t fumble 4 million times and isn’t run by a fuckhead.”
I won’t repeat every one of my objections to the rule that puts an inordinate amount of importance on the coin flip on overtime winners, but the NFC game was a classic case of why it’s a bad idea to not give each team one possession in overtime…
BECAUSE IT NEVER GAVE MY PRECIOUS BRETTY THE CHANCE HE DESERVED. WON’T ROGER GOODELL EVER THINK OF POOR BRELEIGH?!
The Vikings called heads, and it came up tails. New Orleans returned the kick to its 39-yard line. That meant if the Saints gained 28 yards, they’d be in realistic field-goal range for Garrett Hartley. They got 17 yards in drive sustaining penalties, and 32 yards on their own, and Hartley’s 40-yard field goal won it.
On the other sideline, Brett Favre stood waiting for his chance, the same way Peyton Manning waited for a chance that never came 55 weeks ago in San Diego. And I ask you two questions: Do you want the coin flip to have that much importance in determining the outcome of a playoff game?
I guess not, except that the NFC Title game was decided by turnovers. Horrible, incredibly stupid turnovers that make me want to mainline battery acid the more I think about them.
And if you think it doesn’t matter, why have only seven teams that won the coin flip since overtime was reinstituted in 1974 chosen to kick off and play defense?
Seven teams have pulled a Mornhinweg? Jesus.
Your witness, counselor.
CASE DISMISSED, SAYS ATTICUS KING. LIGHT: BRUNG.
I am giving the Colts short-shrift this morning, and I apologize to all of you for that.
Don’t apologize for that. I hope the Colts’ team plane flies into a mountaintop.
Tim Tebow preps for the first big week of his pro career.
And now we come to the part where Peter detaches himself from Brett Favre’s gritty and error-prone dong and latches onto Tebow’s for the next decade.
Today it begins.
Sycophancy blossoms anew!
Once the highlights and interviews from the championship games begin to fade and the reality of a Saints-Colts Super Bowl sets in, we’ll turn our attention to the compelling story of the NFL offseason, and it begins at 2:30 p.m. Central Time in southern Alabama.
Florida quarterback Tim Tebow steps into the NFL crucible, onto a practice field ringed by coaches and scouts, at the Senior Bowl in Mobile, Ala., beginning a week of practice, meetings and face-to-face visits with prospective NFL employers.
We in the media business are going to spend the next three months writing the Tebow story into the ground, but there are good reasons for it.
Because you have no better ideas?
He’s had unparalleled college success, he’s a too-good-to-be-true kid by all accounts, and he’s a polarizing football prospect because there’s great debate whether his mechanics and arm will allow him to be an every-down NFL quarterback.
Oh, so he’s an Evangelical Jason White. Super. Can’t wait to have him in the league.
Hey Peter, rank me some college juniors!
5. FS Eric Berry, Tennessee
An Ed Reed type.
DON’T ASK HIM FOR HIS GLOVES!
Quote of the Week II
“We really gave those guys the game. It’s eating me up inside.”
–Minnesota running back Adrian Peterson, after the Vikings turned the ball over five times in their NFC Championship Game loss to the Saints.
Well, to be accurate, Adrian: YOU gave them the game, you fumbling asshole. And somehow, you passed on your fumblitis to Berrian and Harvin, like a case of rectal warts. YOU DICK. YOU MADE FAT DREW CRY.
At one point 10 minutes after the game, Adrian Peterson walked out of the locker room, in full uniform, and just stared at the celebration of Saints on the field.
And then, he fucking fumbled.
7. Arizona (11-7). As I said last week, my guess is Kurt Warner’s retiring.
But that’s just a guess. I have no inside info on that. What do I look like, a journalist?
12. Pittsburgh (9-7). The start of a quiet offseason is upon Steeler Nation … just the way the Rooneys like it.
All is quiet in Steeler City!
Coach of the Week
Jim Caldwell, head coach, Indianapolis.
He may rock the sporting public to sleep with his words, but it’s not his job to be Conan O’Brien.
OH BURRRRNNNNNNNNN. Peter King: Jeff Zucker’s attack barista!
It’s easy to sit there and say, “Well, he’s got Peyton Manning, and anyone who has Peyton Manning just has to roll the ball out there at practice and the team will coach itself.”
And it’s easy to say that because it’s 100% accurate.
Caldwell has taken Tony Dungy’s team, massaged the defensive coaching staff and structure of the defense…
Massaged it, rubbed it down, applied scented oil to its groin and made gentle swirling motions…
Dinner at Gautreau’s, a tony French spot built in a 1911 pharmacy in the Uptown District, and one of the truly hidden-gem restaurants in New Orleans. Hidden, because there’s no sign for it. I’ve never been to a restaurant, or any legal business establishment for that matter, with no sign out front.
No sign? But how did you find it, Peter?
I much prefer restaurants with signs. Like Romano’s Macaroni Grill! They have tons of sings outside! They must be high quality!
Owner Patrick Singley bought the classy, signless restaurant in 1993, and when I said I couldn’t get over a place of business not having a sign, he said, “It didn’t have one to begin with, and I just figured, ‘If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.’ ” Archie and Olivia Manning must feel that way. On Thursday night, the night I ate there, they shared their 39th anniversary dinner.
OLIVIA: I love you, honey.
ARCHIE: I love you too, dear.
OLIVIA: Honey?
ARCHIE: Yes?
OLIVIA: Is that Peter King over at the other table?
ARCHIE: (looks over shoulder) Oh, Christ. Don’t make eye contact.
OLIVIA: Why does he keep following us?
ARCHIE: Just put your head down and fucking eat.
Room service order-takers. If it’s happened to me once this year, it’s happened 10 times — getting pushed to order things you don’t want. Working in my room in New Orleans Sunday, I picked up the phone to order the following: three-egg omelet with onion and tomato, ice water, small pot of coffee, cream…
BUT WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY KIT KATS?! WHERE WILL I GET THE SUDDEN BURST OF ENERGY TO STALK THE MANNINGS NOW?!
It’s amazing how few people with existing jobs want to work under Lovie Smith in Chicago.
LOVIE: I want you to work with me.
PROSPECT: No thank you.
LOVIE: I challenge your refusal.
I think you’d have enjoyed the dinner I shared with sportswriter pals and the girlfriend of one of them Saturday night at Emeril’s Delmonico on St. Charles.
Oh, were you not there? Well, let me painfully recap it in its entirety!
As FOX Sports’ Alex Marvez said, we never really get to do things like this much anymore.
Indeed. But why aren’t Schlereth and Hoge paying for their meal? What? You thought I was paying for it?! DAMN YOU, CAPITAL GRILLE!
The sportswriting business has changed, particularly for national writers who no longer spend days in town before games. Budget cutbacks and restrictive media policies have diminished the importance of actually getting to a city two or three days before a big game and spending time with the important characters in the game.
I miss the trees and the talk!
Anyway, I rounded up a few writers (some I don’t know well but should) and we had a nice meal … and I proposed a pool for the nine people at the table. Throw $5 in the pool, and pick the team that drafts Tim Tebow.
Winner gets first dibs on his T-Bone!
I proposed we do the order of the draft with those living farthest from Gainesville having the first pick, and here it went:
Mike Silver, Yahoo!Sports (Northern California) Jacksonville
Sam Farmer, L.A. Times (Southern California) St. Louis
Albert Breer, Boston Globe (Boston) Buffalo
Peter King, Sports Illustrated (Boston) San Francisco
Immediately upon hearing my pick, Silver sent the following text-message to San Francisco GM Scot McCloughan: “You can’t pick Tebow. It has something to do with a pool, alcohol, and Peter King.” A minute later, two letters came back from McCloughan: “ok.”
Come on! Stand up for your Tebow, Scot!
Ha! It’s funny because they all know each other! Come on, Scot. DRAFT Tebow. I told Mike Tannenbaum to trade for Brett Favre, and look how well that turned out!
Jeff Duncan, New Orleans Times-Picayune (New Orleans) Miami
Angela Craig, girlfriend of Jeff (New Orleans) Denver
“You might be right,” I said to Angela, who works for a technology company.
He may go to Denver. I have no inside info on that. Just a guess. Will he go to Denver? I dunno. Will giant lobsters crawl out of the ocean and colonize us? MAYBE. All I know is this: If I’m Josh McDaniels, I draft Tim Tebow without even looking at the tape, and then I suspend him for insubordination, and then I crack open the champers.
“But why’d you pick Denver?”
“I’m from Denver!” she said.
HOW CUTE!
Alex Marvez, Foxsports.com (South Florida) Cleveland
Jeff Darlington, Miami Herald (South Florida) Tampa Bay
Jason Cole, Yahoo!Sports (Gainesville, Fla.) New England
And the crowd went “Ooooooooh,” on Cole’s pick of the Pats.
WE COULD HAVE USED THAT PICK ON SHONNE FACKIN’ GREENE!!!!!!!!!
So someone’s going to win $45 … or some New Orleans cause is going to get a free $45 if it’s another team. That’s what we’ll do with this pot if Tebow goes to any of the other 23 teams in the league.
Marvelous story. Now tell me about the coffee! Surely it was better than Sibling Rivalry’s!
Favre bought a remote-control fart machine (what a country!)
He such a kid at heart! Or should I say, AT FART? HUH? HUH? What a democracy. BUT WHY CAN’T THEY GET MY ROOM SERVICE RIGHT?
…and put it beneath (Lee) Remmel’s seat near the front of the bus for the ride from the Chicago hotel to Soldier Field before a game against the Bears. As the quiet bus made its way to the stadium, Favre kept pressing the button on the machine, and the fart sounds kept coming from under Remmel’s seat, and Mike Holmgren shot a few dirty looks over his shoulder at whoever was doing this nonsense.
And then Favre threw a back-breaking pick later in the game, because he was too busy playing with a fucking fart machine to concentrate on not fucking up.
Best wishes also to ailing John Minko of WFAN in New York, recovering from bypass surgery. Good guy, good Hoosier.
Lofty Hoosier.
The great thing about P.J.’s Coffee in New Orleans? People go there to read, to have civil discussions (I heard a local politics discussion among five retirees in the P.J.’s on Maple Street near the Tulane campus Friday morning) and to work quietly. It’s what coffee shops should be.
And they have artful baristas! And no Germans take their papers to the shitter! And no one there wears Ugg boots!
Those of you who travel a lot will understand why the best news of the week for me was squeezing into the Conrad Hotel in Indianapolis for the upcoming NFL Scouting Combine. What a gem of a hotel.
Aren’t you happy for me?! I got a reservation at a great hotel! WITH FREE COFFEE IN THE LOBBY! Little Breliegh’s heart can begin healing now.
Shoot me in the balls.
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2010/08/peter-king-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2010/08/dildos-150x150.jpg)
January 25th, 2010 at 10:30 am
i demand a photoshop from LSUFreek featuring Peter King’s mouth as his eyes. seriously, if it was any wider you could park a C-147 in it.
January 25th, 2010 at 10:35 am
Stupid sumbitch…spends half the column sucking Brittfarr off. Nevermind the fact that the Saints’ long history of suck makes this pretty sweet for all NFL fans…there’s still hope Lions and Browns fans.
January 25th, 2010 at 10:41 am
Also, I eagerly await Tebow reaching Ryan Leaf levels of suck immediately. I also know that Petey King will be the first to call for his head when he does. As I have said many times before….Dr. Z has a stroke but this planetiod-sized clitbiscuit of idiocy is still fat and happy?… God hates literate NFL fans.
January 25th, 2010 at 10:43 am
Well that was everything I hoped it’d be.
you have to admire how he bleeds in front of us
Eh, I could go for seeing him bleed another gallon or two.
January 25th, 2010 at 10:43 am
Favre once played one of the great bus-to-the-stadium jokes on Remmel anyone has ever played.
It involved a remote control fart machine. I’m guessing I don’t have to tell you Peter King works for the network that just promoted Leno.
January 25th, 2010 at 10:46 am
No one has ever used a fart machine before! LEGENDARY PRANKSTER.
January 25th, 2010 at 10:47 am
you have to admire how he bleeds in front of us
Only once PK removes hit tampon with his teeth.
January 25th, 2010 at 10:47 am
‘his’ not ‘hit’……
January 25th, 2010 at 10:47 am
“You might be right,” I said to Angela, who works for a technology company.
So what you’re telling me is that a person with no direct contact with NFL people is likely better aware about the NFL than Peter King?
…I believe that.
January 25th, 2010 at 10:48 am
I suspect the Favre retirement drama will be particularly poignant this year. Can’t wait to see him cry up on the podium again.
/Sorry Drew
January 25th, 2010 at 10:49 am
Holy shit, Peter King was a block from my house. And me without my ax. Goddammit, that’s an opportunity I’ll never get back.
January 25th, 2010 at 10:50 am
$45 to charity (assuming none of them win the bet) from a bunch of men who make hundreds of thousands of dollars to write on sports??? The only thing more heroic is how Brett Favre goes out and plays Quarterback, which involves the unbelievable pressure of possibly getting hit, for millions of dollars every Sunday.
Peter King: Bringing light on the TRUE heroes of this nation.
January 25th, 2010 at 10:55 am
Tebow brings with him a shitty delivery and league wide foreskin awareness.
January 25th, 2010 at 10:57 am
“And now we come to the part where Peter detaches himself from Brett Favre’s gritty and error-prone dong and latches onto Tebow’s for the next decade.”
Comedy GOLD, Jerry!
January 25th, 2010 at 10:58 am
“Yes people, let us all circle around Brett Favre and marvel at his ability to ask questions that are answered of him.”
I could see Drew’s furious, intense hatred as he typed this sentence backwards.
January 25th, 2010 at 10:58 am
Brett Favre has a big decision to make, one that will affect not only his life, but his family’s, and the future of the franchise.
Fortunately, he’ll make and announce that decision at least three separate times.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:00 am
“And now we come to the part where Peter detaches himself from Brett Favre’s gritty and error-prone dong and latches onto Tebow’s for the next decade.”
Probably resembles the scene in Aliens where the queen rips herself from the egg laying sac.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:01 am
Lovie Smith just challenged this column.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:01 am
@dmac-
More like truth. God, if Tebow gets onto an NFL team that isn’t the Lions..or the Jags I will laugh my fat round ass clean off…he’ll made BRady Quinn look like Terry BRadshaw by the end of his practice squad career.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:01 am
Conan made a classy exit to NBC – no surprises there were no references of that in his article …
BTW, Factoid that may interest me and many others who read “fun with Peter King”
- Brett Favre’s last passe in the last three seasons were INTs … Peter King, sir, I dare you to mention that in your Tuesday mailbag!
January 25th, 2010 at 11:02 am
ALL I WANT TO DO IN PUNCH PETER KING IN HIS FAT FUCKING FACE. God I hate how he has a job.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:03 am
Hard to believe, so fucking HARD TO BELIEVE that media outlets are cutting back spending on travel for fucking dipshits like this to hang out a few more days and get fatter while filing “news” stories that are nothing more than a rambling list of purely uneducated guesses.
I bet everyone at that dinner was praying for a suicide bomber.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:06 am
@ NAthan-
I’d rather him try to explain how Jim Plunkett’s not a Hall of Famer.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:06 am
Aw, give Chilly a break. He could have run it and hoped Peterson didn’t fumble for the third time (and later, he dropped his dick in the shower) or hope that Favre wouldn’t do something so colossally stupid that every 13-year-old QB figures it out by the third day of passing camp. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t on that one.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:07 am
Poor PK. Budget cuts in the media have stripped down his profession so he can no longer spend days at a time flying around to big games, eating out at fancy restaurants on the company’s dime, and hanging out with players and coaches like some fucking VIP. Except for all the times he still gets to do that. Its a cruel fucking world we live in now.
Let’s try to sum up that story: a bunch of dipshit sportswriters got to fly to New Orleans, eat $50 steaks on their expense accounts, and then PK convinced them to throw in $5 to predict who is dumb enough to draft a future NFL backup QB? And if none is correct in this magical guessing game then some charity will get less than the cost of one ribeye? Fuck you, PK.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:07 am
“But the Vikings got a five-yard penalty for 12 men in the huddle, which is illegal because an extra man or men would create unfair confusion to the defense.”
Thanks Pete. I always wondered why teams weren’t allowed to traipse as many players as they liked onto the field. Thank you for imparting your vast football knowledge onto us peons. Jackass.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:08 am
If Denver drafts Tebow, I will hunt down and kill Angela.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:09 am
It’s amazing how few people with existing jobs want to work under Lovie Smith in Chicago.
It IS amazing how few people with existing jobs want to work for someone who almost certainly will be fired after next season! That reminds me: I need to leave the stable, successful company that currently employs me and see if anything is available at GM.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:12 am
“…he’ll made BRady Quinn look like Terry BRadshaw by the end of his practice squad career.”
Either that, or he’ll resemble the late but not lamented Sexy Rexy. Btw, he just sold his house here in Chicago for a $700K loss – wonder if his daddy will write another column bitching about how the real estate market treated his son so badly.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:13 am
Honest question here: doesn’t the get-a-couple-yards-closer-then-kick idea make sense?
“‘When the Vikings had third-and-10 at the New Orleans 33 with 19 seconds left in a 28-28 game, they planned to call a running play to get a couple of yards closer. Then Ryan Longwell would trot onto the field for a field goal of between 45 and 50 yards.’
Please note that was the Vikings’ plan. They did all that on purpose. And that’s why Brad Childress needs to be dropped into an abbatoir.”
I mean isn’t that the safe thing to do? Mock away, if I’m missing something obvious.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:13 am
There is a Capital Grille in the lobby of the Indianapolis Conrad hotel. Coincidence? Methinksnot.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:14 am
Those of you who travel a lot will understand why the best news of the week for me was squeezing into the Conrad Hotel in Indianapolis
Relax PK. There was no way those fat humps didn’t have enough bacon grease to fit you through the doors.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:14 am
Favre once played one of the great bus-to-the-stadium jokes on Remmel anyone has ever played.
It falls just behind the time he tied Shiancoe’s cock around his ankles when he wasn’t paying attention and just ahead of the time Keith Jackson drew a pentagram on the forehead of a sleeping Reggie White.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:14 am
PJ’s Coffee shop in N.O. makes peter King proud to be an American.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:22 am
I mean isn’t that the safe thing to do? Mock away, if I’m missing something obvious.
Drew’s point is that a 45-50 yd FG is no gimme. Instead of trying to pass and make it a 40-yd FG, they were going to run it, which wouldn’t have gotten them as close.
Tbf to Childress, we found out why he didn’t want a pass just a few moments later.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:27 am
Peter King, you are aware that you and your media ilk are making us HATE Brett Favre with your constant, braying, bullshit. Brett Favre used to be a durable, likeable, QB who was entertaining to watch due mostly to his high risk, high reward playing style. Now? Pretty much everyone fucking hates the guy. He’s become the football anti-christ and and the poster child for everything wrong with pro football. When the fanbase of a winning team hates themselves for rooting for their QB, something is very wrong. And jackholes like you, Peter King, continually telling us how wonderful Favre is, even with all the evidence to the contrary, IS NOT HELPING.
Oh and fuck Tim Tebow. I was completely neutral on the guy until the shrill screaming of the media over how he’s a “winner” and “a football player” and “a really great guy” fomented a hate in me so strong that I’m hoping a guy who I’ve had no vested interest in to this point, crashes and burn upon entering the league. Thanks knob slobbering media!
January 25th, 2010 at 11:28 am
If I could have the chance to behead both King and Favre with one swipe of a dull shovel…I’d gladly give $45 to a New Orleans charity.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:29 am
The Vikings called heads, and it came up tails. New Orleans returned the kick to its 39-yard line. That meant if the Saints gained 28 yards, they’d be in realistic field-goal range for Garrett Hartley. They got 17 yards in drive sustaining penalties, and 32 yards on their own, and Hartley’s 40-yard field goal won it.
This one deserves some recognition with the other moronic things King said in this column, which was awful even by his standards.
He’s writing as if the ball was magically placed on the 39, so it was unfair for the Saints only to have to gain 28 yards. Guess what, fuck-o: did you see that guy who ran the kick back to the 39? He was a player for the Saints. Special teams are part of the game. So if they only had 28 yards to go to get in field goal range, that means they did something good, not that they were just lucky.
King’s twisted logic here would lead to the conclusion that if Thomas had run the kick back for a TD, it should have been negated and the Vikings should have rekicked, because he doesn’t think a team should get a leg up in overtime as a result of a good special teams play.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:29 am
A remote-controlled fart machine. So, the (obvious) purpose of the ‘remote control’ being that you hide it somehwere and make it sound like some unsuspecting person is farting? PK is making it sound like Brint just came up with this idea. Lofty practical joke.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:31 am
The special teams player of the week was some guy you never heard of for the Vikings that forced an ultimately unimportant fumble. Guess Cribbs was otherwise unavailable for the award. PK missed a golden opportunity to describe the play as Taskeresque
“BTW, Factoid that may interest me and many others who read “fun with Peter King”
- Brett Favre’s last passe in the last three seasons were INTs … Peter King, sir, I dare you to mention that in your Tuesday mailbag!”
Uh, he mentioned it in his Monday column and technically you’re wrong, because PK points out that Bretts last pass as a Jet was a short completion in garbage time.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:35 am
PJ’s is delectable coffee. It’s unfortunate the only thing PK is good at is coffee. And I say that lightly ever since the ‘coffee flavored water’ remark.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:36 am
PK is the weak and Drew is the tyranny of evil men.
@Drew: go ahead and do your worst to PK when you see him. I’m sure no one will mind.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:39 am
Mike Silver, Yahoo!Sports (Northern California) Jacksonville
I’ve always said they needed a white David Garrard.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:39 am
Favre bought a remote-control fart machine (what a country!)
In Soviet Russia, fart machine buys you!
January 25th, 2010 at 11:41 am
Sean Payton (for setting the tone that a coach who models himself after Bill Parcells and Jon Gruden can set)
That’s like a comedian modeling himself after Richard Pryor and Pee Wee Herman.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:42 am
On the other sideline, Brett Favre stood waiting for his chance, the same way Peyton Manning waited for a chance that never came 55 weeks ago in San Diego. And I ask you two questions: Do you want the coin flip to have that much importance in determining the outcome of a playoff game?
It’s especially amusing that PK would use these two examples, because in both games the QB who sat waiting on the sidelines in OT failed to secure victory with a final late drive in regulation.
GIVE PEY-PEY AND FAVRE MORE CHANCES JUST ‘CAUSE
January 25th, 2010 at 11:45 am
http://www.theonion.com/content/from_print/brad_childress_consoles_self
January 25th, 2010 at 11:46 am
who the fuck wants to read about the fucking coffee shops this d-bag trolls for cock in?
January 25th, 2010 at 11:48 am
he’s the most charismatic and interesting player I’ve covered in my life
King’s evidence to support this claim: a story where Favre played a prank with a fart machine. This is neither charismatic nor interesting. It’s funny, but only because farts are funny.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:48 am
I’m gonna rally for giving AP a break. His fumbles were recovered, and the first one (it wasn’t recovered) was actually Britfarr’s fault. Three out of the five vikings turn-overs were Favre’s fault… just saying.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:52 am
I’ve always said they needed a white David Garrard.
That’s Pro Bowl QB David Garrad to you.
/the Pro Bowl is an abortion of a football game
January 25th, 2010 at 11:58 am
Two moments of idiocy that stood out for me: 1. PK names Eric Frampton the Special Teams Player of the Week for recovering Reggie Bush’s muffed punt at the end of the first half. PK notes that the muff recovery did not lead to any points for the Vikings. I was not paying close attention to the game, but I could have sworn that a special teams player for the Saints, a kicker I think, actually won the frigging game in OT. 2. PK names as his Goat of the Week the fumblers for the Vikes. Fair enough, though Favre’s INT at the end of regulation was the real backbreaker as far as I could tell, but he then attempts to exonerate Favre for the fumble that was credited to him, saying that the fumbled exchange between Favre and Peterson “could have gone either way.”
King will be stumping for Favre to be named MVP of the UFL in 2020. PK’s lips will never leave the tucchus of Favre.
January 25th, 2010 at 12:01 pm
I understand that one learns not to through across the field in Quarterbacking 101. But considering some of the amazing plays he made for four quarters of that game, I actually felt bad for Favre……until I read the “Breleigh” stuff and realized that part of him is actually blaming her for what happened last night. “If only Breleigh hadn’t convinced me to come back.”
January 25th, 2010 at 12:03 pm
Breleigh! Who does Bretty think he is, Deion Sanders?
January 25th, 2010 at 12:11 pm
I think it’s pretty obvious that it takes absolutely no understanding of the NFL whatsoever to cover/analyze it for a major media outlet. Peter King is a sycophant of the highest order. There is ZERO pertinent info in his piece of shit column. I can only dream of how much better the NFL season would be if guys like King, Shannon Sharpe and MIKE FUCKING DITKA were replaced by people who were in touch with today’s game/reality. Or by sexy ladies with huge cans, amiright?
January 25th, 2010 at 12:14 pm
Also, this has probably been said earlier and far better, but since pee-wee quarterbacks know not to throw across their bodies, can’t we now say that Brett does NOT look like a kid out there?
January 25th, 2010 at 12:16 pm
“It has something to do with a pool, alcohol, and Peter King.”
oddly enough, so do my nightmares.
January 25th, 2010 at 12:18 pm
“All I know is this: If I’m Josh McDaniels, I draft Tim Tebow without even looking at the tape, and then I suspend him for insubordination, and then I crack open the champers.”
Fucking. Steak. Sauce.
January 25th, 2010 at 12:24 pm
“And if you think it doesn’t matter, why have only seven teams that won the coin flip since overtime was reinstituted in 1974 chosen to kick off and play defense?”
Yes, I had to read that more than once. “ONLY seven?”
I would have bet money that Morhinweg’s place in the annals of NFL head coach fucktardery was utterly unique.
January 25th, 2010 at 12:25 pm
Farve’s body has to be more black and blue this morning than gay hooker found dead in the Conrad’s dumpster. The cops claim he had whole coffee beans stuffed in his rectal cavity.
January 25th, 2010 at 12:26 pm
“You can’t pick Tebow. It has something to do with a pool, alcohol, and Peter King.”
If it also involves drowning and possibly Michael Barrymore then I think SF should pick him.
January 25th, 2010 at 12:29 pm
“2. New Orleans (15-3). The game was Creed-Balboa I, or at least Pryor-Arguello I. There will be a lot of players waking up from that game ridiculously sore this morning, and the sorest will be a 40-year-old quarterback in the Twin Cities, courtesy of the Saints.”
Look, the Saints are one of two teams out of 32 still playing. But I’m going to use this space to talk about the team they just beat. I’ve really got nothing positive to say about New Orleans.
January 25th, 2010 at 12:33 pm
I have always hated King and his Favre love in particular, but this column enrages me more than usual, and the reason is the kind of crap that Hot Carl Monday pointed out. The biggest damned story in the NFL is that the most snake bit franchise in the league, and the city that has been knocked on it’s ass, are going to the Super Bowl, and this fat motherfucker just talks about Favre.
January 25th, 2010 at 12:41 pm
@Clyde:
How the FUCK does Sterling Sharpe get on TV? Who the FUCK casts the CBS studio? Marino?!?! Sharpe?!?! Even Esiason, who seems smart enough to maybe have been a good analyst, now just spends his days being a lumpy tool. All CBS really needs is Dierdorf in the booth and they achieve suck-nirvana.
/ Oh, wait – Douchedorf *is* in the CBS booth.
January 25th, 2010 at 12:42 pm
“Tebow will wow everyone he meets one-on-one in Mobile and at the Scouting Combine next month with his poise, presence and humility.”
There’s nothing humble about demanding that your controversial religious beliefs receive national media coverage simply because you play football. Amazing how often humility and whiteness are conflated by football writers.
January 25th, 2010 at 12:42 pm
sorry i messed up guys….i really just wanted to end the game so i could put on a fresh pair of wranglers and eat a spicy tuna sub. i wanted to be a kid out there just jokin around and look what happened. all the interceptions its like the football gods are tryin to tell me to get lost. well you know what i say to them?? i look them in the eye of resentment and say, “FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION.”
see you after training camp you shits. its favre world woooooooo hooooo its all about ME
January 25th, 2010 at 12:46 pm
“It has something to do with a pool, alcohol, and Peter King.”
And Joe Buck, with an assist from Troy Aikman.
January 25th, 2010 at 12:50 pm
Alright look PK, I like ice water much as the next person, but clearly the lady on the phone was trying to tell you their tap water sucks, she was offering a substitute im going to assume either a ICE COLD bottle water OR (heres the mind-blowing part) a bottled water with a cup to put ice in! (GTFO!, IKNORITE?)
But you are right, if my company paid for all my expenses I wouldn’t want the $5 bottle water to show up on my tab either.
/PK brag fail
January 25th, 2010 at 12:52 pm
Odds of PK refusing to pay out the $45 regardless of who wins the Tebow bet? I’m saying it’s a 100% certainty.
January 25th, 2010 at 1:01 pm
On the other sideline, Brett Favre stood waiting for his chance, the same way Peyton Manning waited for a chance that never came 55 weeks ago in San Diego. And I ask you two questions: Do you want the coin flip to have that much importance in determining the outcome of a playoff game?
Favre had his chance at the end of regulation, you fat ass-kissing moron.
January 25th, 2010 at 1:07 pm
Fuck Peter King, seriously and Fuck ESPN while we’re at it the Fucking Saints, one of the most snakebitten franchises in the NFL has made the Superbowl, but no lets all get on the fordyce infected cock of Brittfarr!
January 25th, 2010 at 1:08 pm
Why would anyone wish for a college overtime? Sudden death is just that-SUDDEN DEATH. If it was called “Equal Opportunity Overtime” then I could understand…
January 25th, 2010 at 1:12 pm
Beyond the insanity of talking about Tim Tebow over the Jets/Colts game, PK decides to award his Special Teams Player of the week to some guy that benefited from a Reggie Bush mind freeze on a play that ultimately was inconsequential b/c the Vikings turned the ball right over. Meanwhile, the Saints featured a kicker that nailed a 40-yarder to win the game, a punter who grossed over 51 yards a punt and put 4 inside the 20, and two long returns that set-up Saints scores, including the game winner. Great work PK.
January 25th, 2010 at 1:13 pm
Nice pool there asshole. Either it should go to a charity of choice or everybody gets their money back. None of this, “We’re doing our best to keep our piddly money away from an underfunded charity who actually makes a difference in someone’s life.” Except for you, Jason Cole, you obviously bullshitted the pick.
January 25th, 2010 at 1:14 pm
Interesting to me:
The Wikipedia entry on Brett Favre is pretty sanitary, but his wife’s Wikipedia entry paints him as a total asshole:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deanna_Favre#Family_life
All the “legend” fluff from guys like PK never mention all the bad stuff…
January 25th, 2010 at 1:29 pm
”YOU DICK. YOU MADE FAT DREW CRY.” Line of the year.
I hope PK and all his big shot writer friends get their asses torn to shreds by a 4 inch wide drill covered in aids.
January 25th, 2010 at 1:30 pm
Peter King’s choice for greatest bus-to-stadium prank? Israeli wrestling team, Munich, 1972
January 25th, 2010 at 1:38 pm
@Drave-
Amazing how bleak a celeb’s life can be when they’re whoring an autobiography…
January 25th, 2010 at 1:46 pm
Goddamn Drew, you were on your A game today. As a Jet fan dealing with a terrible hangover, you made it all go away for a moment. If only Breleigh could read your shit.
January 25th, 2010 at 1:59 pm
“It has something to do with a pool, alcohol, and Peter King.”
King makes Merv Griffin look like a choirboy.
January 25th, 2010 at 2:10 pm
Concerning Tebow: When analysts say your #1 attribute is that you’re a “winner”, that means you suck and won’t thrive with whatever shitbox team drafts you.
January 25th, 2010 at 2:35 pm
Seriously, enough about the overtime rule already.
If a team loses the coin flip and lets the other team drive down the field for the winning score or give up a big kick return which then leads to the winning score, it’s NOT THE COIN’S FUCKING FAULT. IF YOU CAN’T PLAY GOOD ENOUGH DEFENSE TO STOP YOUR OPPONENT IN OVERTIME YOU DON’T DESERVE TO WIN. PERIOD. I WILL PERSONALLY BURY A STEAK KNIFE INTO THE NEXT WRITER OR PUNDIT WHO BITCHES ABOUT THE NFL OVERTIME RULE. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND QUIT BEING SUCH A PUSSY ABOUT IT, YOU FUCKING WASTES OF SPACE.
Oh, and fuck Favre.
January 25th, 2010 at 2:37 pm
@ Drave This calls for another goth Aaron Rodgers/Goth Deanna post
January 25th, 2010 at 2:38 pm
“King’s evidence to support this claim: a story where Favre played a prank with a fart machine. This is neither charismatic nor interesting. It’s funny, but only because farts are funny.”
By that logic my 10-year old son and his pals playing with the exact same fart machine would fascinate PK to no end. And they get bored with it. Yet a 40-year old overpaid egomaniac hick playing with this kids’ toy on a bus filled with co-workers is to PK the height of interesting.
What a complete asshole.
No wonder media companies no longer see the point to sending sportwriters all over the country to document such important events.
January 25th, 2010 at 2:51 pm
“Hey y’all! All our problems are saved! A complete recovery for our great city of New Orleans!”
“You mean the Saints making the Super Bowl?”
“Naw, I mean the FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS that our charity got from some sportswriting dickheads!”
(Marching band appears out of nowhere, “When The Saints Go Marching In” plays, children dance in the street, rainbow appears in sky)
January 25th, 2010 at 2:59 pm
I’ve got this lovely image of a giant lobster with PK (barely fitting) in one claw and Tebow in the other.
January 25th, 2010 at 3:03 pm
“Favre bought a remote-control fart machine (what a country!)”
God, I hate the Vikings. I’m as depressed (and drunk) as Yakov Smirnoff, rotting away in Branson, Missouri:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1_-TlqdIvM
January 25th, 2010 at 3:04 pm
Tails never fails, Vikes.
Drew is king
January 25th, 2010 at 3:12 pm
If any member of KSK’s elite writing staff happens to see this fat hump in Miami go ahead and off him. I’ll be your alibi.
What went unsaid by the network types was that while brittfur was throwing ACROSS his body, he could’ve easily run for 5-10 yards.
Memo to Tom Jackson (ESPN): ‘Courage’ is not playing a game for millions of dollars. Courage is riding in an uparmored HMWWV along MSR Tampa when your last convoy got hit with four IEDs. Courage is being a political dissident in a country that doesn’t give you a prime time tv slot but jails you after a quick monkey trial or simply guns you and your family down.
Asshat.
January 25th, 2010 at 3:29 pm
Well said, Dancing Baptist. I was surprised at TJ for that…he’s normally intellegent…for tWWL.
January 25th, 2010 at 3:40 pm
@Some guy:
Let’s try to sum up that story: a bunch of dipshit sportswriters got to fly to New Orleans, eat $50 steaks on their expense accounts, and then PK convinced them to throw in $5 to predict who is dumb enough to draft a future NFL backup QB? And if none is correct in this magical guessing game then some charity will get less than the cost of one ribeye? Fuck you, PK.
Tru dat. They were going to match that with a $45 gift to Haiti relief, but realized there are more important news stories now. Like Brittfar EPIC FAIL in the playoffs Number 3!
January 25th, 2010 at 4:15 pm
I like that the football writers pick Tebow go to a team that is either on the other side of the country or a local rival. They know the truth–Tebow is toxic.
January 25th, 2010 at 4:26 pm
Odds of PK refusing to pay out the $45 regardless of who wins the Tebow bet? I’m saying it’s a 100% certainty.
But I’m sure he’s ready to put out if he loses. Winner can be the top.
January 25th, 2010 at 4:45 pm
Drew Brees doesn’t mind that this week’s MMQB was so overly-focused on Brett Favre. He’s just happy that Peter has found true love.
January 25th, 2010 at 4:50 pm
God, if Tebow gets onto an NFL team that isn’t the Lions..or the Jags I will laugh my fat round ass clean off…
The Lions ain’t drafting him. You could dislocate both of Chill-Shades-Bro’s shoulders and he’d still have more arm strength than Tebow.
***
On the OT thing…
Think back to the first round. After 60 minutes of the worst defensive performance in playoff history, the Cards lost the OT coin toss. Everyone thought “they’re fucked”, right? Well, their defense made a big play and they won. Funny how that works.
January 25th, 2010 at 5:09 pm
Because God, if he exists, is a dick, I predict…
“With the 30th pick in the NFL Draft, the Minnesota Vikings select Tim Tebow”
January 25th, 2010 at 5:16 pm
I thought the best part of this horseshit was Peter wasting a few paragraphs discussing abortion. WHAT A HOT BUTTON FOOTBALL ISSUE THAT IS!!!
January 25th, 2010 at 5:44 pm
I’m sure King is hoping its a team that nobody picks. That way, he can donate the money to charity and then claim it back during tax season.
January 25th, 2010 at 5:46 pm
“Peter King’s choice for greatest bus-to-stadium prank? Israeli wrestling team, Munich, 1972″
Man, that one’s so ghoulish I had to laugh – instant classic.
January 25th, 2010 at 6:03 pm
I, for one, am glad Drew isn’t dead. Congrats on surviving a year of having your mortal enemy at the helm of your favorite franchise. When Favre threw that last little gem, I swore I heard Drew kicking the chair out from under himself.
January 25th, 2010 at 6:31 pm
/head explodes
/headless body twitches on ground
That should have happened two or three years into your Minnesota purgatory.
January 25th, 2010 at 6:51 pm
On the other sideline, Brett Favre stood waiting for his chance,
Actually, he was sitting there; crying.
January 25th, 2010 at 6:59 pm
Drew does his best writing when he’s angry, and luckily he has eight months to stew over this.
The time is nigh when Packers fans and Vikings fans will finally come together, united over their hatred of Brett Favre.
January 25th, 2010 at 7:40 pm
Sure, Favre’s a broken man. Well, as broken as a world-famous athlete with tons of money possibly can be. Fuck Peter King and Brett Favre. And their families, too. Being buried under tons of rubble would really give them something to be disappointed about. In fact, I kinda wish they were buried under tons of rubble.
RE “importance of actually getting to a city two or three days before a big game and spending time with the important characters in the game.”
Seriously? 2 to 3 days? It takes that long to craft a story about a football game? That hasn’t happened yet? And it’s imperative to do it in the city in which the game is taking place?
January 25th, 2010 at 8:29 pm
“I’ve never been to a restaurant, or any legal business establishment for that matter, with no sign out front.”
Nice throwing in the legal business disclaimer, you just implied that you go to unmarked businesses of ill repute. So what is it Fat Fuck; rub n’ tugs, gambling rings, or crack houses that you are frequenting. I lean to the latter, because if PK is on drugs it explains a lot.
January 25th, 2010 at 8:31 pm
Yeah, shocking that PK’s superiors might bristle at sending him to New Orleans for four days when all he writes about is food and coffee.
January 25th, 2010 at 8:58 pm
i love how dismissive the 49ers guy was, ok. as in you just write about my picks get the fuck out trying to tell me who to pick, i couldnt give a fuck who you have sat with you or what time of pool arrangement it involves. we are still trying to come to terms with a non pro ready qb.
January 25th, 2010 at 11:55 pm
This is the first time I’ve been to this site, reading this epic mockery of Chubby King’s braindroppings. I have to say from start to finish, all the way to the final comment, I haven’t laughed this hard reading something in A LONG TIME.
Keep up the great work!
January 26th, 2010 at 12:40 am
Someone should do a Fun with Trent Dilfer. That guy is the biggest douche and blowhard on TV. He acts like he’s god’s gift to football. Would love to see Drew do a video mocking Dilfer’s analysis.
January 26th, 2010 at 1:40 am
“Do I know if he’s coming back? I don’t know. Could the Hadron Collider actually be a giant rice cooker? I don’t know. Did anyone just see me dig into my ass right there when I had that itch? I don’t know. Does Lane Kiffin sprout bat wings at night? MAYBE.”
Drew, your rage at Favre and this jiggly fuck who praises him sustains me.
/fucking salutes
January 26th, 2010 at 2:02 am
Serious question: Has anyone ever seen Peter King and Jay Leno in the same room?
I mean… FUCKING FUCK. I hate him for shilling for NBC and Leno more than I’ve ever hated him for these asinine “football” columns.
/Team CoCo’d
January 26th, 2010 at 4:37 am
@ GhostsoftheUpcountry
Exactly. I’d take one Zimmerman column a week over everything else SI could put out in the same time.
And how in the fuck does a professional sportswriter not realize that Tampa not only took a QB in the first goddamn round last year, but actually traded up to get him? You really think they’re gonna draft another one this year?
January 26th, 2010 at 1:43 pm
Tebow’s going to Arizona…we all know this. God knows this. Puppies know this.
January 26th, 2010 at 4:20 pm
@Mike: Maybe not so. Senior Bowl practice was on today…Tebow was GARBAGE. Absolute garbage. Scouts said he looked like a third stringer. He fumbled twice under center and looked like a virgin trying to undo a bra throwing the ball.
February 1st, 2010 at 3:24 pm
Holy shit, that’s the worst correlation ever made between any group of people.
Pete Hoekstra set the standard. –> http://bit.ly/yEOXV
February 2nd, 2010 at 2:14 pm
Your bookmarking strategy is working as I Found you through Stumbleupon.
August 28th, 2010 at 8:34 am
In the beginning just remember it was darked and then someone smiled! try this:
A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a pool. :)