When we last Red Sox City mayor Peter King, he was imploring you to visit the Mannings if you’re ever in New Orleans. No, really! Go! Their door is open and waiting JUST FOR YOU! Olivia has a peach crumble in the oven, and Archie desperately needs someone to talk to about his sons.

So what about this week? Did airport security finally check Peter’s toiletries, as he hoped they would? (Note to TSA officials: that device you find in his dopp kit? It’s only a weapon OF LOVE.) Will he enjoy more movies about life, such as Precocious: Based On The Novel Tush By William Safire? Read on. A smart man told me retardery lay ahead!

There wasn’t a lot of drama over the weekend in the four playoff games, but there’s a lot of good stuff out there, in and around the NFL. Settle back, tell your boss you need a few minutes, and I hope I make this column worth your while.

YOU: Boss, I need a few free minutes.

BOSS: Why?

YOU: I have to read Peter King’s column.

BOSS: Is he the asshole who bitched about having no free coffee in the Laguna Marriott?

YOU: Uh, maybe…

BOSS: Clean out your desk and get the fuck out of here.

On the second series of the game, (Randall) Gay brought the wood against Arizona receiver Jerheme Urban.

Gay brings wood? HEY-O!!!!!

(Gregg) Williams all week told them Warner must go down, and he must go down hard.

Ooh! Ooh! Coach Williams, now say that it’s deep, and that you don’t think it’s playable!

We’re now through 17 games. Favre is having the kind of impact no one except maybe he (and I bet he’d tell you he never thought the year would be going this good) thought he’d have.

Yes, I’m sure Favre never had much confidence in his own abilities. He’s such a humble, aw shucks kinda guy. HE DEFINES MODEST. He’s just your average American Joe. Salt of the Earth. A man of the land. A guy who puts on his strap-on one strap at a time.

“We define ourselves,” (Gary) Brackett said after the Colts’ 20-3 trouncing of the Ravens.

You heard it here, people. The Colts define Colts. AND they lead the league in Coltishness.

I’m told late last week that Seattle president Tod Leiweke was in the horns of a dilemma: If Dungy was seriously interested in the job, he was going to have to decide who to hire — Dungy and a head coach, or Pete Carroll and a front office.

That’s a dilemma? That’s like being forced to choose between shooting yourself and banging Kate Beckinsale on a bed made entirely of fresh pancakes.

Those with knowledge of the situation say it would have been a tough call.

REALLY? “Say guys, should I hire a Super Bowl winning coach revered by everyone in the sport to run this team, or should I hire Pete Carroll? Now, before you answer, keep in mind that my name is Tod.”

And because Dungy did not tell Leiweke for sure he wasn’t interested till last weekend, Leiweke went ahead with the interview of Frazier when it looked to all the world as if it were a sham. (That’s exactly the word I used to describe it on NBC, though now it appears that the interview was legit.)

STEVE WEATHERFORD SAYS YOU OWE TOD AN APOLOGY, YOU BRUTE!

On the first play, a long throw down the right sideline for a seemingly open Pierre Garcon, (Ed) Reed stayed in centerfield (well, maybe right-centerfield)

We’ll call it quasi-centerfieldian.

If the past few days, I’ve spoken to sources on both sides of the labor talks, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’ll be an upset if there isn’t a work stoppage that either delays or cancels the 2011 season.

And this, dear reader, is where you take comfort in knowing that Peter King is usually wrong about things. Because if he’s right about this…

/throws chair
/lights children on fire
/stabs couch cushions

This Lane Kiffin story really ticks me off.

I know! The gall!

The gall of Kiffin.

I know! He’s so full of GALL! GALLY GEE WHIZ, THIS FELLA HAS GALL!

The unmitigated, outrageous gall of this kid.

It’s like extra strength gall! IT’S GALL I CAN STANDS AND I CAN’T STANDS NO MORE! Lane Kiffin defines GALL. He leads the league in gall, which is not the same as leading the league in guts. While Lane Kiffin has a great deal of gall, his guts are relatively meager in comparison.

And the idiocy of Tennessee apparently giving Kiffin — when, let’s be honest, what options did he have coming off his disastrous 5-15 run with the Raiders? — an $800,000 buyout after one year of his contract. But I blame Kiffin far more.

WARNING: Column that’s been written 700 times in the past twenty years by various local papers fast approaching. Tune in next week, when Peter rails against the dangers of steroids in baseball. HOW MANY HARD WORKING CATCHERS IN THE MINOR LEAGUES LOST A JOB BECAUSE OF MIKE PIAZZA?! TED WILLIAMS NEVER WOULD HAVE USED THAT STUFF! THE GALL!

Tennessee bought out Phil Fulmer’s coaching staff, then brought in Kiffin and his staff (including his father, Monte, for a reported $1-million-a-year deal to be a college defensive coordinator) and the minute there’s an opening at USC, Lane Kiffin bolts … in the prime part of recruiting season, a terrible time to hire a coaching staff.

This just in: Football coaches are assholes! I know. I’m as stunned as you.

I wonder if Kiffin ever said to a single recruit since getting hired by Tennessee 13-plus months ago, “USC’s my dream job, so if it ever opens up, I’ve got to go?” Of course not. I’m sure the conversation was something like, “Come to Tennessee, I’m going to be here a long, long time, and we’re going to win a national championship together.”

This just in: College coaches LIE to recruits! It’s true! You see that desk? It’s not even made of real oak!

And he’s rewarded by another institution of higher learning (and I type that with as much sarcasm as I can muster)…

Let us watch as I too perform the task of typing in a sarcastic manner.

/holds nose up in the air

/depresses A key

/says to A key, “Way to make a letter appear on the screen, A key. Aren’t you just so fucking special?”

…making him even richer than if he’d stayed at Tennessee .

Where’s the decency? The maturity? The gratitude? The simple sense of even a pinch of loyalty?

AND WHY HASN’T KIFFIN THOUGHT OF THE CHILDREN?! Little retarded kids all across the state of Tennessee will look up at their retarded folks and ask, “Where did the nice man from California go?” And what do those people tell their kids then, huh? WHAT DO THEY SAY TO THEM?

AND HOW CAN THIS NATION HAVE SO MANY GUNS?

Scores of you believe I’m a Pollyanna about this. I currently have a contract with Sports Illustrated, and another with NBC. If another media company came to me and offered me three times what I’m making, I wouldn’t entertain the offer. I want to believe I’m like most Americans — a contract’s a contract.

Then you are dumb, because most companies don’t give a rat’s ass about their employees and are more than happy to lay them off on a whim to save money, regardless of how long they’ve worked there or how gosh darn nice they are. Being loyal to a corporate entity is like being loyal to a bear. Oh, nice bear. YOU’D NEVER HURT TIMMY TREADWELL, WOULD YOU?

Peter King, apparently, still lives in America where everyone works for good ol’ Taylor and Sons Copper Wire Mill, where Mr. Taylor hammers out wire himself, and brings cupcakes to work every day! And asks you how you Aunt Mabel is doing with the cholera. That Mr. Taylor sure is a nice man! Look out for the Larry the Liquidator, Mr. Taylor! Don’t sell to him! There’s somethin’ in him I don’t trust!

I am stunned at how the Chargers couldn’t run worth a darn and never pressed the envelope with downfield throws.

The Chargers threw the ball deep six times and were intercepted twice in the process.

9. Green Bay (11-6). The team’s not broken, Ted Thompson. Massage it, don’t do surgery.

Lay your hands upon its throbbing groin and gently knead it.

Coach of the Week

Rex Ryan, head coach, New York Jets.

He epitomizes brash

HE DEFINES PUBBYTUBING.

Aggravating/Enjoyable Travel Note Of The Week

Nine flight segments since the aborted terrorist on the plane in Detroit on Christmas. Zero difference in security that I’ve seen. Have I just missed it? Or is there just not the vigilance we should be seeing? Hard to tell, but I’ve not seen slower lines with more patdowns or anything I thought we’d see. I hope TSA knows what it’s doing.

CHECK MY COLON! I KEEP TELLING YOU PEOPLE! YOU’LL FIND THINGS IN THERE THAT WILL MAKE YOU QUESTION GOD!

Tweet of the Week

“I’m donating $1 to the Red Cross for each follower I have by midnight. PLS RT & let’s help the ppl of Haiti 2gether 2day.”

n @D_Stallworth18, Donte’ Stallworth, the former NFL receiver now under league suspension for the involuntary manslaughter conviction in the death of a pedestrian on a Miami causeway last March, writing Sunday afternoon on Twitter.

Use charity as a way of getting more Twitter followers? Ingenious. Tila Tequila is setting up a drive for the Casey Johnson Memorial Jacuzzi And Blow Fund as we speak.

When I got to the Jets’ team hotel Saturday, the Hyatt Regency in La Jolla, there was Ira from Staten Island in the lobby.

But no free coffee urn. What gives, Hyatt?

Ira calls New York talk radio hourly, always to talk Jets, and I think he would follow this team into the valley of death.

Be sure to look out for Patton Oswalt playing Ira in a darkly charming indie film next month.

Arizona will be back. I just don’t know if Kurt Warner will be.

This just in: The Cardinals will still be playing in the NFL next year.

Yes, it did bug me to see the Vikings first offensive unit in the game in a 27-3 blowout in the final five minutes, scoring another TD with less than two minutes. It’s not a federal case, but I didn’t like it.

Again, NOT a federal case, unless Proposition 304 passes, and we all pray it will.

I think, if I had to guess right now, I’d say the best shot for Tim Tebow on draft day is San Francisco, at number 13. No proof. No solid evidence.

That’s my BEST guess. I think he goes to the 49ers. Why? I don’t know. Do rocking chairs cause sickle cell anemia? MAYBE. That’s just my best guess.

Just this: The Niners gave a tepid endorsement to Alex Smith as their quarterback of 2010 after the season; and Mike Singletary didn’t draft him; and Singletary is going to fall in love with Tebow once he meets him after the season; and Tebow is the kind of winner that Singletary has preached he wants since he took the job from Mike Nolan in mid-2008. After Singletary meets Tebow at the Scouting Combine, this is my prediction of his reaction: He’ll turn to GM Scot McCloughan and say, “That’s my guy. We’ve got to have him.”

And then Mike will sit back and pop the bubbly, without ever having considered if Tebow has the skills to become a classic dropback passer. But who cares about that? HE’S WINNER, JUST LIKE ERIC CROUCH. YOU NEED GUYS LIKE THAT.

I think one of the reasons the Saints play for Sean Payton was illustrated well Friday morning. Payton starts his team meetings with the news of the day usually, and on Friday he had some team business to discuss. “We’ve placed Rodney Leisle, defensive tackle, on injured-reserve,” Payton said, very businesslike. “Signed Deuce McAllister, running back, Ole Miss.” Stunned, the players erupted in cheers.

Oh, that’s nice.

Payton smells the coffee.

Wait, what?

Antonio Gates’ one-handed catch. I know he gave one away later with a big drop, but he’s got the softest hands of a tight end in football.

Incredibly soft hands, except for that crucial drop he had, followed by ANOTHER drop that YOU missed not but a short time later.

Jim Leonhard. He’s a star in the making. Great addition by the Jets in free-agency.

He’s such a star, I can finally spell his name right. And look out for that D’briqqajdsfjsdfhgs;dfh Ferguzoid! He is one HELL of a young left tackle. We saw The Herpes Locker together.

If that’s the last game for Derrick Mason, it’s been a pleasure watching him over the years. Tough player, hard-working player.

Lofty player.

Shy of Canton, but there’s no crime in being in the Hall of Very Good.

And don’t forget that he signs autographs sometimes. Certainly merits first ballot induction into that Hall That Doesn’t Actually Exist.

I think an imprint on my brain from the weekend will always be the emotional family hugs between Mark Sanchez and dad, mom, kin and friends underneath the stadium.

UNDERLINE THOSE HUGS IN YOUR MENTAL BOLD PRINT.

I now have figured out how tax audits work, especially for employees like me who have to file in more than one state. One state desperate for money tries to take the taxes you’ve paid in another state desperate for money. It’s not pretty, and I have a feeling I’m going to be in the middle of it for a while.

Don’t these states understand that Peter gets to deduct for walking?

The Jay Leno-Conan O’Brien thing is amazing, if only because I’ve never seen a guy getting paid millions attack his employer publicly the way Conan has.

DICK EBERSOL: Peter, people aren’t siding with us in this whole Conan debacle, and none of my blitheringly stupid comments have helped the situation. You strike me as a naïve man who still feels loyal to massive, deathless corporations. Will you help us?

KING: You got it, Mr. Ebersol!

And Jimmy Kimmel and David Letterman jumping in with both feet … amazing how so many rich people can be so angry, trying to disguise it with humor.

THE GALL OF THESE PEOPLE! Why does humor always have to be so MEAN? Whatever happened to jokes that have NO edge, and don’t make any sort of valid criticism? Now that Jay Leno, there’s a feller who knows how to make me chuckle guilt-free! And did I ever tell you about Brett Favre’s Sling Blade impression? GENTLY HILARIOUS.

There are at least nine TV shows I’d like to see, like “Mad Men,” but for some reason I just gravitate to reruns of “The Office” when I’ve got TiVO time. Must be something wrong with me.

WATCH THE OFFICE ON NBC ALL THE TIME! I WORK THERE AND THE PEOPLE AT NBC ARE VERY KIND AND GENEROUS.

Coffeenerdness: Three visits to Peet’s in San Diego over the week convinced me that we’ve got to do something about increasing the Peet’s store nationwide. Artful baristas.

They’re like Picasso with a coffee pod attachment.

Great lattes.

Artful lattes.

They must train their people well.

LIKE NBC DOES!