OW-AH HAHHHHHTS AHHH BROKEN!
01.04.10
January fackin’ thehhhd! A date that will go down in FACKIN BAWSTON SPARTS INFAMOUSNESS! I remembah exactly where-ah I was when I heard the news that ow-ah beloved Wes Welkahhhh had his knee blown out! I was busy laughing at the Mets far paying that fack Jason Bay $66 million! BAHAHAHAHA! YOU NEW YARK FAGGOTS ALWAYS TAKE OW-AH STAHHHS LAWNG AFTAH THEY WERE-AH GREAT! YOU CANNOT TAKE GREATNESS OUT OF BAWSTON AND GET THE SAME RESULT!
(puts on knit cap, pulls down all the way over eyes)
Anyway, I will nawt fahhhhget what happened yestahday, and neither will you! It was tragedy on pahhhhh with 9/11, or the time that spic cut in front of me in line the line at Mama Kin, or warse, GAME SIX! YOU KNOW THE GAME SIX I MEAN! I don’t even have to refer-ah to the teams or-ah the year. THAT’S HOW LEGENDARY IT WAS! Oh, this terrible injury will simply add anothah black chaptah to Bawston sparts lore-ah! It’ll be right up they-ah with the death of Lenny Bias! Oh, Lenny. WE MISS YOU! CELTICS NATION WOULD HAVE AT LEAST SIX MORE-AH TITLES IF YOU HADN’T GONE ALL DAHHHKIE GOODEN ON US!
(scares child walking by by pretending to throw a punch)
I still can’t believe Welkah is gone. It’s like seeing a membah of yar-ah family gunned down in brawd daylight. BY A BLACK! We’ll nevah be the same! To know that ow-uh beloved football Celtics will have to play those faggot Ravens without BY FAHHHH THE FINEST RECEIVAH IN NFL HISTORY is a crime! This cuts Celtics Nation to the bone!
You people outside of Bawston cannot undahtstand what Welkah meant to us. He was more-ah than a receivah. He was one of us. HE GAWT US! He knew exactly what this city wawnts out of an athlete: Grittiness, SWAGGAH, and no fackin’ brown in his skin! If you were-ah nawt at Gillette to see him play in his prime, THEN YOU HAVEN’T SEEN REAL FOOTBALL! I’ve never seen anyone catch three-yahhhhd passes aftah Randy Mawss has cleared out the middle of the field like WELKAH did! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
(smokes Parliaments in own car with windows closed, ashes into Snapple bottle)
I have lawts of friends who ahhhh cool and we have fun togethah! And, to a FACKIN’ MAN, they awl confess to me: “You know, Tawmmy. I’m nawt a Pats fan. But I am a Welkah fan. You’re-ah lucky to have him. I wish we had someone like Welkah awn ow-uh team, and nawt that glass cunt Braylon Edwahhhhhds!” They ALL say that. Has that evah been said about anothah wideout? YOU KNOW IT HAS NAWT! THAT’S WHAT MADE WELKAH DIFFERENT FROM THE REST! Did you see him cry? No one else cries as hahhhd as he does!
(cranks Daughtry record)
Mahhhk my words: Whoevah ends up winning the Supah Bowl this year-ah, if it is nawt the GREATRIOTS, will have their-ah title tahhhhhnished! Are you telling me the Colts would have been able to covah Welkah! I THINK NAWT! Welkah and the Pats would have gone on an easy Supah Bowl run, and would have won the team’s seventh rightful Supah Bowl title! NO ONE DENIES THIS! THE PATS AHHHH THE TEAM OF THE DECADE!
I’m sorry. I’m still choked up ovah this! IT’S NAWT FAY-UH! THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE OW-AH YEE-AH! WE DESERVED BETTAH! Well, FACK ALL YOU LAUGHING AT THIS INJURY! YOU HAVE NO CLASS!
(spits, flexes)
And nevah undahestimate the powah of Julian Edelman! He may be a hooknose, but at least he’s no fackin’ Reche black fack Caldwell!
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“or warse, GAME SIX! YOU KNOW THE GAME SIX I MEAN! I don’t even have to refer-ah to the teams or-ah the year. THAT’S HOW LEGENDARY IT WAS!”
Well, that part IS true.
First Tony Conigliari. Then Bobby Orr. Now Welkah. Bahstahn’s Wahl of Injaree Shame. /sarc
AHV CAAHHSE YOU CAN’T REPLACE HIM! BUT EVEN WITH THE HAHHT AND SOUL OF OWAH TEAM HAHRRABLY DECIMATED, THAH GREATRIOTS WILL EVAHLVE!
http://sports.espn.go.com/boston/nfl/news/story?id=4794741
They need to make a Boston version of Jersey Shore. And I hate that frakin’ show.
Glass Cunt
So, I don’t follow football at all except for reading your fine site, gentlemen, so even here in Pats country I didn’t hear about Welker’s injury til tonight (mentioned in passing on a non-sports forum). Then my only thought was, I have to get to KSK to get Tawwmy’s take. And of course he didn’t disappoint!! Brilliant, hilarious, & insulting to me and all my fellow New Englanders–I love it!! We tend to take ourselves far too seriously up here, so thanks for keeping us in our place!
Alvin: Tawmmy would not be caught dead with Kodiak: It’s either a fresh tin of Copenhagen, or fishing yesterday’s Copenhagen out of the garbage.
/Don Beebee reads this post and sends welkah a get will card with middle picture of his middle finger in it.
I still can’t believe Welkah is gone. It’s like seeing a membah of yar-ah family gunned down in brawd daylight.
Oh.
BY A BLACK!
BWAHAHAHA!
Beautiful.
@tim was tim: he has a cocky attitude and signals for first downs. what a dooooooosh. im suprised they let people like him play in the nfl…oh wait
@dan: shut the fuck up. the most annoying commenter on this site is a colts fan. lets keep it that way
(scares child walking by by pretending to throw a punch)
It’s so to a T that you can visualize it without even closing your eyes.
(scares child walking by by pretending to throw a punch)
/slow clap
@ Tim was Tim
The audacity of a FOOTBALL PLAYER in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE to be cocky and celebrate his accomplishments is unconscionable.
At least he didn’t subject us to retarded dances a la “Lights Out” roidlord Merriman.
Gee, Tawwmmy makes it sound as if the Saints didn’t figure out how to shut down Welkahh.
Greatest comment from that link: For the record, Colts are still pussies.
As a Pats fan and someone who has had Welker on his fantasy team for the last three seasons, I hate to see this happen. Hopefully he will come back full strength. I’m not ready to see this generation’s Don Beebe fall to the wayside.
/Yea, that was Don Beebe reference, wanna fight about it?
//Unclasps hands from around WW’s scrotum
Steelers go from champs to chumps. Pathetic. You know what the fatass hicks in Pennsylvania are doing right now? Offing themselves, football is all they have.
YEW MUST SUSPEND THUH SEASON!
I think dan means cawk whores.
No one denies that you have poor spelling and grammar skills, dan. Here’s a tip for all you trolls: use a Firefox browser with spell-check built into it.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go whore out my cock.
Is Edelman the new Tom Brady to Welkah’s Drew Bledsoe?
you know what kno one else denies is that you guys are a bunch of cockwhores
I remembah exactly where-ah I was when I heard the news that ow-ah beloved Wes Welkahhhh had his knee blown out! I was busy laughing at the Mets far paying that fack Jason Bay $66 million!
You mean Tawmmy wasn’t even WATCHING THE GAME when Welker got hurt? But……but I thought Boston fans were the most loyal and passionate fans in the world. Are you denying that unfounded opinion, Drew? Because I could have sworn that no one denies it.
Nazi Shark now has another player on which to place a bounty. Jewlian Edelman needs to hire some dahhhkie bodyguards immediately.
The only way the Patriots can go without having another devastating injury and finally get to the Super Bowl is to trade for Bernard Pollard. They don’t even have to start him. Put him on the practice squad, just so the threat of torn ligaments is nullified.
Also, I can’t believe Reche Caldwell was mentioned. Ughhhh.
Humper,
Please see Welkah’s performance in during the “perfect” season and Bill Simmons’ pleasure in his “F-you” attitude while shouting in opponent faces and making his own first down signals.
Sorry, he’s a doooooosh.
it was like all the experts on TV last night didnt bother to note Jew Welker’s 10 catches. or the 8 he had week 2 when welker was out. might not be exactly the same, but i wouldn’t say he was worthless.
I’m waiting to see Welker on the injury list as questionable for this weeks game.
Even WELKAH’S LEGENDAHRY GRITTINESS is no match for Sean Taylor’s MEASTY ligaments. They’d probably burst out mid game and tackle him with a bone-jarring hit, just out of reflex.
Also, the New England faithful would never accept him. He’d be rebuilt with DAAAAAHKIE PAHTS.
BTW, keep an eye on Julian Edelman. I predict he’ll be mysteriously “released” after the season, and no one will ever hear from him again. Next season, WELKAH starts wearing a yarmulke.
God, now to get Ray Lewis and Randy Moss to meet the falling space station at mid-field.
What’s Tommy gonna do when WELKAH gets a ligament graft from a DAHKIE cadaver?
/ Any chance they kept any of Sean Tayor’s body parts?
@humper:
“Crass” is an awfully big word for people who live north of Hartford.
I’m Shipping Up to Bostoooooooon: TO INJURE MY LEG!!….. FOR THE SEASON!.. YEAH!
/Wait, the song is about a guy who already lost his leg? Shit.
// ACL, leg, whatevs.
At least someone on barstool has a sense of humor:
there is no doubt that Welker tore his ACL. that is fact. he is completely done.
but only if we had another small, white, quick reciever that could replace him.
oh wait. we literally have exactly that.
Julian Edelman will be the second comin of James Lawfton, excep he will be betaw becawse he is a GREATRIOT!!!! NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!!
(stares at himself in the mirror while wearing a Edelman jersey and holding a Bernard Pollard vooddoo doll with a dagger through it’s chest)
Totally off topic Drew, but I LOVE, LOVE the #twitterpublichumiliationdiet!! You got me motivated to do the same. Pat yourself on the back my good man; when was the last time you motivated someone to do something good?
Yeah I know it’s sad that I have to look to a dick joker for motivation, but I don’t care. You’re my Tony Robbins for the moment.
1/3/2010, NEVAH FAHGET
At least we have another small, fast white guy waiting in the wings. If Edelman goes down, Hoyer can shift to wideout, his main qualification being that he’s whiter than skim milk. BAHSTAHN WILL NAWT BE OUT-GRITTED!
@humper
I agree with you, and I have nothing but respect for Welker, his game, and his ability to pull me out of FF losses for these last couple of years. He is/was a helluva guy, that guy, and the “grittiness” is just a mockery of how everyone else treats him, not how he views himself.
I was actually quite sad to have seen it happen just as I turned to the game on D*. However, once my initial feelings of sorrow and compassion for Welker passed, I was left with one thing: my pure, seething hatred of the Patriots and anything in their general vicinity.
(scares child walking by by pretending to throw a punch)
Stage directions like this are what truly make Tommy come to life.
maybe a little [Knee flies open] and some comical banter between the WelkACL and MCL?
Bernard Pollard is the terminator of all grttiness in the NATIONAL. FOOTBALL. LEAGUE. Are you gritty, gutty and cerebral? Well look out cause Bernard Pollard will end your season just by being in your geenral vicinity. If you see him coming, just fall down like a little bitch…your ACL will thank you later.
Parliaments? Tommy strikes me more of a Vantage guy.
That’s our Drew, going for the Lofty. Goddamnit, only another month of fun.
(facepalm for mentioning reality)
@ Jmac – This will explain his “child please”.
Pretty sure it means “no”.
NSFW language btw.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lDfnG4nlQU
This is, of course, the minority opinion, but it just seems like reveling in Welker’s injury for no reason other than it makes his teams fanbase pathetic is a little crass. Welker, to my knowledge, never called himself “gritty” or made a big deal about what he did. He just showed up, caught 8-12 passes over the middle a game and went home. I like the dude and hope he comes back next year with no ill effects.
Worth noting that as Pollard plays for the Texans now, he sees Manning twice a year.
/needs more Kodiak.
best comment: it’s Enrico Pallazzo!
@ Mike D – very nice. Also, this has nothing to do with this post, but I hope you guys are working on something for this: http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=4794525
Hulu Cop Speed has laid down the guantlet!
there is no doubt that Welker tore his ACL. that is fact. he is completely done.
but only if we had another small, white, quick reciever that could replace him.
oh wait. we literally have exactly that.
BAWSTON IS AN ENDLESS SAHCE OF SPAHTS GRIT! WE AHH AN ENDLESS PIT OF CAUCASIAN PASSION AND HAHDNOSED ATHLETIC ABILITY!
My favorite line “He knew exactly what this city wawnts out of an athlete: Grittiness, SWAGGAH, and no fackin’ brown in his skin”
This post was awesome. Only KSK Rex Ryan can top this.
Serves them right.
It was a fumble.
Parliaments? Is Tommy an aspiring hipster?
Hey KSK staff, between Brady and Welkah I’m pretty sure you guys owe Pollard like 50 bucks in bounties.
A little OT, but according to this, Chad Ochocinco, when asked about his bet to change his name back to Johnson if Revis blanked him, said “child please.”
Does anyone speak DAHKIE well enough to know if he’s changing his name or not?
Nothing about the LAZY FACKING DAHKIE Randy Moss? Because it will be sweet to see the Bahston Faithful have to cheer for the guy they were turning on midseason as their only hope.
The football Dropkick Murphy’s now have to rely on the blacks to catch passes…delightful.
@ Danger Guererro: “we just don’t want to spend a lot of money…”
Seriously though, this guy gets killed over and over and blows out his knee without getting touched. Sigh.
I indirectly blame Bernard Pollard for this one too. He was on the field and I’m convinced he reached out to Welker’s knee with his brain waves.
From PK’s MMQB today:
“I heard Wes yell out, the same way I heard Tom yell out,” Pollard told me last night. “It was the same yell. It was terrible. He went down right in front of me. I saw his knee buckle, then I fell on him, and when he went down, I said, ‘Just my luck.’ ”
What are the odds of the same defender being at the epicenter of the temporary demise of two true New England heroes?
Bernard Pollard FTMFW. The MEAST award should be renamed in his honor…
Bad Street, U.S.A. -
Get out of MY BRAIN!!!!!
/cries tears of blood.
As soon as I saw the injury yesterday, I became giddy knowing Tawmmy was going to show up.
In a stunning turn of events, Welker will be ready in time for next week’s game. The doctors replaced his ligaments with some the excess grit he was born with.
We can rebuild him.
“(scares child walking by by pretending to throw a punch)”
Best line of the year.
Grittiness, SWAGGAH, and no fackin’ brown in his skin!
I guess it would be a stretch to think that Tawmmy is familiar with melanin, so ‘no fackin’ brown in his skin’ is about the best that could be expected
Oh Jesus, this is just great. This is my morning entertainment.
“i had just sat down with a turkey sub and that was the first play i saw. Still haven’t taken a bite because i feel like throwing up.”
“It aint over. Remember when OC came back for the last two games in 80 to complete the Miracle on Ice. 30 years later Wes comes back…. Just sayen that it aint over.”
“there is no doubt that Welker tore his ACL. that is fact. he is completely done.
but only if we had another small, white, quick reciever that could replace him.
oh wait. we literally have exactly that.”
“FUCK ME SIDEWAYS”
“i don’t know what is more upsetting…. Welker being out for the rest of the year or the fact that i can’t stop vomiting all over myself thinking about it”
“Edelman is better anyway.”
Goddammit, this shit is fantastic. It’s like they actually all ARE Tommy!
(scares child walking by by pretending to throw a punch)
Greatest parenthetical aside ever.
I was at that game, and the first thing I thought was “oh hell yeah we get a tommy post”
“EDELMAN CAN NEVAHHH RUN AS FAST AS WELKAHHH! ESPEC…(hiccups) ESPECIAL…(hiccups) SPECIALLY NOT WITH HIS JEW GOLD OVAHH HIS NECK!”
Bernard Pollard is the Brady-stopper.
“ow-uh beloved football Celtics”
classic, although I expected more anger towards the Reliant Stadium turf.
“Has that evah been said about anothah wideout? YOU KNOW IT HAS NAWT!”
Thanks, Drew. I shot the last of our orange juice out my nose. Now it burns, I’m thirsty, and could possibly catch scurvy.
I knew as a consolation for the injury, that Tommy would make an appearance. Well played, sir.
Wait, I forgot that I am a trollish commenter. Let me whine about a free post just so I can cockblock everyone from Sexy Friday again. “Wah! You’re using the same character again. This is boring me! Wah!”
Ohhhh. THAT’s who listens to Daughtry. Mystery solved.