The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are incredibly excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Miami! Up first, it’s Inglourious Basterds’ Lt. Aldo Raine.
Men, my name is Lt. Aldo Raine, and I’m putting together a special team.
And I need me eight soldiers. Eight – Football – Loving – Soldiers. Now y’all might have heard rumors about the Super Bowl happening soon. Well, we’ll be leavin’ a little earlier. We’re gonna be dropped into Miami, dressed as casual fans and credentialed media. And once we’re in the NFL Fan Experience, as a bushwackin’ guerilla army, we’re gonna be doin’ one thing, and thing only:
Killin’ Humps.
The members of the Speed Blue Army have conquered comment threads and chat boards throughout the Internet with unprovoked blather about Peyton Manning, humorless defensive whining, and plain outright stupidity in regards to the game of football.
Now I don’t know about y’all. But I sure as hell didn’t suffer through a mostly unremarkable NFL postseason, a pointless debate about resting starters, an uncalled cheap shot on Mark Sanchez, and Jim Nantz referring to Pierre Garcon and Austin Collie as Peyton’s kids for us to teach the Humps lessons in humanity. Fat Hump ain’t got no humanity. They are the foot soldiers of a rule-changin’, franchise-relocatin’ maniac, and they need to be deeestroyed.
That’s why any and every son-of-a-bitch we find wearin’ a Colts uniform – they’re gonna die. We will be cruel to Indianapolis, and through our cruelty, they will know who we are. They will find the evidence of our cruelty, in the crying and sniveling of their brothers we leave behind us. And the Fat Hump will not be able to help themselves from imagining the cruelty their brothers endured through our insults and our taunts. And the Fat Humps will be sickened by us. And the Fat Humps will talk about us. And the Fat Humps will fear us. And when the Colts fans close their eyes and gaping maws at night, and their subconscious tortures them for the evil they’ve done, it will be with thoughts of us that they are tormented.
But I got a word of warning to all would-be warriors: When you join my command, you take on debt. A debt you owe me, personally. Every fan under my command owes me One. Hundred. Colts. Humps. And I want my humps. And all y’all will git me one hundred Colts humps, taken from the backside of one hundred dipshit lard-ass Indy fans… or you will die trying.
Fans: YES, SIR!
[Later, with captured Colts fan]
Raine: Whether or not you leave this ditch alive depends entirely on you. Up the road a piece is a strip mall. Besides you, we know there’s a whole crop of amorphous blobs just waiting to buttonhole us with some boisterous bullshit about the Fetushead. Now if you ever want to eat another triple-decker monsterburger, you gotta show me on this here map where they are. You gotta tell me how many there are. And you gotta tell me how many free refills they intend on getting on their extra large root beer.
[Colts fan points out various Steak 'n Shake locations]
Raine: I’m glad we could come to an understanding.
Colts fan: I’m free to go?
Raine: A deal is a deal and I mean to honor it. But first, there’s just one thing on my mind…
Colts fan: [Panic breaths through mouth]
Raine: What will you do after Peyton Manning retires?
Colts fan: Well, I suppose I will go back to ignoring the NFL altogether, while occasionally pulling for the Hooisers and Pacers, depending on how they’re doing. Who knows, maybe I could even get back into the Bears if they ever got good again.
Raine: Mhmmm. I figured you might say that.
Now, see, that is just something I can’t abide.
You may one day take off your pretty blue jersey when the Colts don’t win 12 games every year. But I’m gonna leave you with something you can’t take off.
[Colts fan screams is even louder than pumped-in crowd noise]
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Saw your Blog bookmarked on Reddit.I love your site and marketing strategy.
@ Nathan – I second that.
Surely KSK knows, though, that the NFL didn’t change any rules to satisfy Polian. The NFL did insist that existing rules be enforced.
That is SO not true. Indianan’s have been known to eat people and have been photgraphed hibernating in basements.
@ Spatula – Use updated statistics. Indiana is the 23rd fattest state according to the CDC, beating out all of the South (including LA) and most of the Midwest.
Not that it matters much as percentages, for the most part, only vary a couple points up or down for most states.
We’re all fat humps now.
I will never understand where people get the idea that they have any right to bitch about something that they read on a free comedy website being unfunny or offensive.
As the great patriot Ricky Stanzi once said, “if you don’t love it, leave it, USA, number one.”
Also, if you are offended easily, how the hell are you a KSK fan in the first place?
Is that scalping above supposed to be your masterpiece?
As a Colts fan..I thought this was funny.
http://www.badassoftheweek.com/speirs.html
Captian Ron Speirs says you spoiled the movie for him. Bad for your health, son.
http://www.badassoftheweek.com/speirs.html
@ghostsoftheupcountry
You’re almost there on the code name. It just needs a little more blend. Crystal Methany should do the trick.
“Ape is just mad because Brittfarve didn’t give him the reacharound after he fucked him in the ass.”
Monkey Business, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever read. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this thread is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
1. Awesome flick, awesome satire of flick
2. Comments have lots of stuff that is more mean and spiteful than witty, please take that point of view where it belongs. Glenn Beck.
3. KSK staff – thanks, fellas. Great job on all of the stuff. Cockgobblers.
/has no skin in the game, just wants to see a good game
//drew brees knows this and will try to keep it exciting for us
“Steelers fans are only rivaled by Cowboys fans when it comes to bandwagons and a lack of historical perspective.”
If I were a Lions fan like you, I would START having a lack of historical perspective. Maybe then in my dreams I would have something positive to say EVER about the Lions.
Comparing a fan base to Nazis? Really?
It’s a spoof on the movie and the tactics used by the Basterds. Of course the Colts aren’t Nazis. The Nazis actually stressed physical fitness from their followers. You’re obviously too dense to get satire. Then you follow up with the same clueless line about this post supposedly coming from a Steelers fan’s perspective. Because somehow every post I write is on behalf of all Steelers fans and only meant for them.
“the part where he said “killin’ humps” was where i spit coke on my monitor. get a sense of humor you indy twats.”
Except I’m not from Indy, and am not a Colts fan. (Lions fan, so I guess you could say I have nothing to live for, and so have no reason to laugh)
This just seems bitter, angry, unoriginal and just plain unfunny. Comparing a fan base to Nazis? Really? And I’m sorry but the fact that a Steelers fan is calling another fan base obnoxious, unfunny, fat bandwagoners is just hollow. Steelers fans are only rivaled by Cowboys fans when it comes to bandwagons and a lack of historical perspective.
Filthy Nasty and Sofa King
Arrivaderchi
Us fat humps won this negative attention by simply being a fucking awesome team led by a quarterback who you either love, or shit-your-pants fear whenever your mediocre team goes against him.
Um, you fat humps don’t actually play for the Colts, you realize? You have “won” negative attention by being humorless shitheads.
“I remember the days when this worthless team was left for dead every December on a roadside somewhere in the flyovers. Their “Fans” would chatter on about that shoebrush looking bastard, Unitas, or that fat lump of shit, Donovan.”
And this is why we hate the Colts in Baltimore still. It has nothing to do with them taking the team (we got another one). It has everything to do with people trying to lay claim to a history that is not theirs. I don’t think that Unitas or Donovan ever set foot in Indy. Why would they if they weren’t paid to? To my knowledge, all former Baltimore Colts have rebuffed any attempts by Indy ownership to reach out to them.
Fucking humps.
@ Jeteyes “Something I’ll never understand: why more the Colts to Indianapolis in the first place?”
Because St Elmo’s is a long drive from Baltimore. Only reason I can come up with.
Meh, overrated movie. But “killin’ humps” was just too damn funny.
“So…..what part of this was the funny part?”
the part where he said “killin’ humps” was where i spit coke on my monitor. get a sense of humor you indy twats.
I’m glad you are with me on this, and in no way was I blaming you guys. I hate when people veer off humor and into douchebaggery, and I almost didn’t write my comments above because I was worried about being guilty of that. But anyway you guys have a great site and keep up the splendid work.
There were almost 10,000 comments submitted just during the live blog for the NFC Title Game. Sometimes a few bad ones get approved, if only because we have at most three or four people moderating the stuff coming in. It’s a lot to keep up with – not to mention the complaints from people who don’t see their comments get published.
I don’t make James Dungy jokes. I wouldn’t say they’re entirely off-limits on KSK, but it’d be better if they were at least phrased in a clever/funny way.
Well played, sir.
/slow clap
“One thing I can’t abide by, and that’s tasteless suicide jokes about the Dungy family. The live blog was full of ‘em”.
Really though all I ask people is that if you are going to make a Dungy family joke, at least make it funny or creative. Everyone is okay with that. I know commenting on this reeks of elitism, but I don’t think I stand alone when I say enough with the shitty suicide jokes. Aren’t KSK commenters held to a higher standard than this? And please don’t mistake me for a hump supporter because I’m saying this. I’m 100% Yinzer.
RIP Bam Morris
Heh. All the humps showed up at once to decry this as unfunny. Does the entire city of Indianapolis have a designated time to stop gorging so as to allow for Internet bitching?
Thank you for the laughter that caused the urination into my drawers
Sort of want to go trolling on Colts websites for now…does it count as “taking a Hump” if I make them post Dallas Clark’s stats from the last 6 years?
(not an UNFAILING one, of course, but that just seems to be the general feeling I get from the culture around here)
“Nope, but Colt fans sure seem to.”
…is that surprising?
Come on. Non-Chicagan midwesterners become giddy when any attention comes their way from outsiders.
It’s just a sociological truth.
So…..what part of this was the funny part?
“As much fun as this hatefest has been to read, I’m willing to bet that if you ignored them, the humps would go away.”
Which losing team of yours is no one paying attention to?
Us fat humps won this negative attention by simply being a fucking awesome team led by a quarterback who you either love, or shit-your-pants fear whenever your mediocre team goes against him.
If you want us to be ignored, go ahead and start it yourself. The colts’ franchise doesn’t give a fuck what commenters on KSK are saying about them.
The colts’ franchise doesn’t give a fuck what commenters on KSK are saying about them.
Nope, but Colt fans sure seem to.
@enrico
“Hitler = Tony Dungy…although Hitler didn’t have a son that killed himself because Adolf was such a shitty father.”
Just when I thought nothing could top the unfunniness of this post you had to go and dazzle us with a tasteless suicide joke. Good job, dumbass, you win.
@Matt T: So…what this clip is trying to say is that the cup holder is the only part of the armrest in use at Lucas Oil?
Not clever. Sorry man.
@BBR
You seem to have a detailed account with those type of people?
Bonjooorno
Grazie.
I like the Saints because they are irrelevant, and therefore, like-able. Jets-Saints would have been a feelgood SB indeed.
Another fine example of the fucktardery of Colts’ fans…
http://www.bustedcoverage.com/?p=25096
“Only 2 days away. Only 2 more days until my Colts play the Jets. Just weird how it seems like the Colts are the underdogs. We are always the underdogs.” (It’s a little bit old but whatever, I just saw it today)
When the fuck have the Colts been considered underdogs this season?
Well done Ape, well done.
@ Ken Gryphon
Isn’t that just already Eli Roth?
One thing’s for sure, no fat humps are planning any retirements in Nantucket as the closest fast food option is 30 miles of open ocean away.
/aint no good fat hump but a dead fat hump
You can certainly send the Bear Tawmmy from Boston to take care of them,
“What Colts/Steelers war would that be? Indy isn’t an actual rival of the Steelers.”
Not since the days of Jim Harbaugh, no.
What? No, no. HAR-baugh. As in “harf, harf”? Yeah, he’s at Stanford or something now.
Yes, this was before Pey-Pey came to town.
Very interesting. Can we cast PK as Goebbels? No need for a physical resemblance.
/pondering “Ape’s team” comment.
/could Ape a Rooney?!
@Spatula – Don’t let the facts get in the way of some quality hate
@Tradeforadraftpick: “Those lumps, those lumps, those fat Indy lumps (to the tune of My Humps).” Thanks for the disclaimer. It just didn’t seem write when I sang to the tune of “O Canada”.
Either way, it is funny how every post now is a Fat-Hump hate fest, and I love it. It’s always good when you team is getting the internet version of a forced gay 10-way. That only means you are successful….. or you’re the Pats.
I’m trying to think of the prper antithesis to the Colts, like the one between the Nazis and the Jews. There really isn’t such an example with the Saints, however. I was thinking that this nemesis would be related to healthy eating in some way.
Since I cannot think of a better example that starts with the letter J….the Fat Humps have learned to fear the one called “The Bear Jared.”
i’m surprised hoosiers can put down the corn, BLTs and friend snickers long enough to watch a game for 3 hours every sunday.
Is this Monkey Business’ child? PLEASE. KILL. THIS. FAT. HUMP. Enjoy everyone:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xahi0bqz2Mo
@GotU: How about Lilly Von Schtup?
Except she ended up with the black guy. “It’s Twoo! It’s Twoo!
That’s a BINGO!
Fuck. I really really really want the Saints to take it down. I have no love for the Colts. The Colts are like the Pistons were (without the dynasty”). They feel fake for some reason. Maybe because the only things that give them the feel of a tough team are Bob Sanders (out) and Gary Brackett. I want them to fail. But fuck me, if the Saints play like they did yesterday, it’s going to be really, really tough to beat this soulless, pass- and pass rush-dependent robot of a football team.
I’m intrigued with this Steak and Shake restaurant business. Sounds delicious.
Just some empirical evidence with a bit of speculation. First, according to http://www.statemaster.com, the two most obese states are West Virginia and Alabama. Indiana is only the 13th most obese state. Secondly, unfortunately, I can guess the favorite team of most folks in West Virginia. Alabama fans (those who know there is something other than Bama football) are either Titans fans or fans of who everybody is picking to win the Super Bowl. All of this is to say that Colts fans may be fat humps, but they’re not the fattest humps.
This was fucking epic.
The Vikings radio team was not too happy about that Favre INT hahah
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2010/images/01/25/FavreINT.mp3
As much fun as this hatefest has been to read, I’m willing to bet that if you ignored them, the humps would go away.
/cue Paul Anka’s ‘Just Don’t Look.’
In the pantheon of reputation damaging scars to your face, a big retarded U isn’t really that bad.
Christmas Ape smokes an oversized pipe while sitting across the table from John Cougar Mellencamp.
Cougar begins to get nervous, and his eyes water under Ape’s knowing glare.
Monkey Business reminds me of that pathetic dork in my tenth grade class that had no social skills at all, and everyone ignored him, and so eventually he got it into his warped little mind that negative attention is just as gratifying as positive attention, and he then proceeded to spend every waking minute annoying the shit out of everyone around him. We’d insult the crap out of him, and he loved it, because he was finally getting attention.
The only way to truly hurt Monkey Business is to give him no attention of any kind, thereby getting past his denial and showing him, once again, how insignificant and worthless he is.
*move the Colts
Something I’ll never understand: why more the Colts to Indianapolis in the first place? Was Des Moines too pretty?
@Enrico, Tony Dungy needs to slowly die in a fire.
@Monkey Business from one Colts fan to another, you do realize that Ape cheers for the Steelers right? Favre did not fuck him, unless Ape is a bigger deviant than we think. Favre did fuck over Drew though, for being a Vikings fan. You’re aware that there’s more than one writer here at KSK right?
Hitler = Tony Dungy…although Hitler didn’t have a son that killed himself because Adolf was such a shitty father.
When asked how many TDs he was going to throw in the Super Bowl, Peyton said this, “Nine! Nine! Nine! Nine! Nine!”
/Shows self out.
/Those lumps, those lumps, those fat Indy lumps (to the tune of My Humps).
I wonder who Hitler is in that scenario. Manning? Polian?
I knew there was a reason I named my champion fantasy-football team “Inglorious Basterds.” Well done, Ape.
/not rootin’ against the Colts
//ain’t rootin’ for ‘em neither
I love how every post with anything remotely related to the Colts turns into a serious hate-fest. KsK has become so… feisty.
our business is killin’ humps. and business…is good
I guess Aldo is picking the Saints with a score of 100 humps to zero?
They will find the evidence of our cruelty, in the crying and sniveling of their brothers we leave behind us.
But how will they distinguish the new crying and sniveling from the Fat Humps’ regular crying and sniveling? Won’t it just seem to be the usual state of things?