paul-shirley-con-balon-acb

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are incredibly excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Miami! Up next, it’s former NBA player and Haiti nonsupporter Paul Shirley:

Dear New Orleans,

First of all, kudos on developing the poorest city in the United States. Your commitment to broken levees, rapey domed stadia, and white flight should be applauded.

As we prepare to pick your team in this difficult time, a polite request: If it’s possible, could you not rebuild your home city in the image of its predecessor? Could you not resort to the creation of flimsy shanty- and shack-towns? Could you instead build yourselves space-age hovels that are resistant to both floods and earthquakes? And could those space-age hovels have marble countertops and multiple flat-panel TV screens, like the kind I saw at Jimmy Kimmel’s house when Simmons brought me over once? And could you have cars, like NORMAL people, instead of traveling around on your filthy, calloused feet? And could you, despite being born into poverty, pull yourself up by your bootstraps to become the 12th man on an NBA bench and then a novelty writer to likes his flaunt his affinity for the Silversun Pickups, as I have?

And could you stop being so poor? I mean really, it’s getting a bit disgusting. There are flies circling your children. And you all smell terribly. Do you not have running water? I thought the overflowing of Lake Pontchartrain provided you with GALLONS of the stuff. Was that not enough to convince you to clean the smell of dead fish off your bodies? And could you stop contracting airborne diseases in the wake of tragedies? Do you not have vaccines, or access to modern medicine? If I donate a cent to rebuilding things in the Ninth Ward that are still torn down, I want to make sure that it’s going to build something WAY awesomer that that smelly blues club you once called a habitat.

Why don’t you stop being a poor? Can’t you start making money, as I have? I make money, and then I can download Animal Collective songs. Have you heard them? See, that’s a problem. Could you rebuild your country so that you aren’t poor, and so that you like Animal Collective? M’kay? Thanks.

And could you get rich enough to write pedantic letters to the victims of natural disasters without witnessing the carnage firsthand? Okay? That would be nice.

And could some of you maybe use a condom once in a while? I don’t like the idea of poor people breeding and then smelling up the place. I worked in the NBA, okay? We know how to use birth control properly. Stop having dirty poor sex with one another and MAKE something of yourselves. As I have! Look at me! I used to ride Phoenix’s bench. Now I’m a freelancer!

Why can’t you be like that?

Sincerely,

The Rest of the World

Colts 51, Handout Lovers 0

NOTE: Comments turned off. I warned you people about gay PoFlaWas.