KSK Celebrity Pickakk… FACK YOU!!!
01.29.10
Why ahhhhhh you people even bawthering to pay attention to this Supah Bowl? This was nawt the Supah Bowl America fackin’ WANTED! These ahhhh two faggot teams from smawll mahhhhhhhkets! Everyone knows this Supah Bowl would have been fahhhh bettah if ow-ah beloved footbawll Variteks had been pahhhht of the game! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
(comes on to girl, gets rejected, calls her a cunt)
Mahhhhk my words. This yee-ah will nawt be remembahed as the yee-ah of the Colts ar the fackin’ Katrinahs! This will be remembahed as the season the fackin’ Pats dynasty came to a fackin’ end! THAT IS WHAT YOU WILL REMEMBAH! When you ahhhh tahhkin to yar fackin’ little faggot grandkids 20 yee-ahs from now, you will say to them, THAT WAS THE YEE-AH THE LEGENDARY BAWSTON FANS HAD TO SEE THE END OF A FACKIN’ ERAH! You will nawt remembah the facks that won Supah Bowl Farty Far! THE SHADOW BELICHICK AND FOOTBALL BIRD CAST IS FAHHHH TOO STRAWNG!
(never tips the black stripper)
I have said continually that awl the Pats had to do was draft Shawnn Facking Greene aftah I saw him play and we’d be collecting ow-ah rightful seventh straight Lombahhhhdi Trophy! BUT BELICHICK DID NAWT LISTEN TO ME! HE’S LAWST HIS TOUCH! HE’S GETTING OLD, AND HE’S FAHHHH TOO HAPPY JUST TO FACK MILFS!
(says he’d totally plow Scott Brown’s daughters)
Everyone knows this Supah Bowl is ALL ABOUT OW-AH PATS! As you know, the Katrinahs ahhh now playing for-ah ow-ah awnah!!! THEY AHHH PATRIOTS IN SPIRIT! Any team that is nawt a Bawston team that plays far a title is ow-ah prawxy!
People fackin’ email me a lawt. They email me becawse they know WE BAWSTON FANS AHHH THE BEST AT HELPING THEM MAKE SENSE OF SPARTS!
(giggled through screening of “Schindler’s List”)
Many Vikings fans emailed me aftah they lawst to the Katrinahs, becawse they know I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THE FACKIN’ FIAHHHHHHH!!! The only way to prawpahly follow yar team is to consult with a Sawx fan to know if you ahhhh doing it right! They look to me. I am a fathah figyah! I AM LIKE THE FACKIN GHOST WHISPERAH! They say to me, “Tawmmy, we ahhh hurt! But ahhh we as hurt as you were-ah aftah Game 6?” AND THE ANSWER IS FACK YOU! GAME SIX IS ITS OWN FACKIN’ THING!
(dips)
You see? It awl comes back to us… THE LEGENDARY FANS OF SAWX CITY! SPARTS CANNOT SURVIVE WITHOUT OW-AH PRESENCE!
(scares women out of bar)
SO FACK THIS GAME! IT IS NAWT IMPAHHHTANT! Who cay-ahhs if a bunch of watahlawggged dahkies finally win a Supah Bowl? Besides, what’s the line? Seven points? I DON’T AGREE WITH THAT FACKIN’ LINE!
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I’ll be rooting for the Katrinas this Sunday
you had me at “never tips the black stripper”
Bill “The Sports Guy” Simmons is a self aggrandizing douchetard! Not quite as bad as Jay The Joke, but getting there. Also? “watahlawggged dahkies” is my new facebook status update.
“ow-ah beloved footbawll Variteks”
My favorite Patriot Nickname yet!
Another gem! I love these colums, so funny and I’m from Boston. Laugh Riot indeed! For real.
I read Simmons’ article and just couldn’t help but feel like he feeds off of misery. “I’m a Red Sox fan! I KNEW YOUR PAIN AT ONE POINT IN TIME!” STFU doucher! You had the fucking Celtics, and don’t tell me it didn’t help because you clearly fancy yourself more of a basketball man than anything else.
What really set me off was when I saw him lump the Knicks and Jets fans into his pity party. Fucking really, dude? Hey, maybe the Knicks haven’t won a championship in a while, but they went to the Finals TWICE in the 90′s and could’ve won back in 94′ if John Starks wasn’t a fucking dumbass (seriously, keep shooting even though you’re 1-50 from the field). I was a huge basketball fan back in the 90′s because the Knicks (and most other teams) played awesome basketball and the rivalries were amazing. Watching the Knicks vs. the Pacers/Heat/Bulls during the 90′s was fucking great. As for being a Jets fan…well, yeah it sucks. But I’m a Yankees fan also, so I can’t complain too much because I have it so damn good in another sport.
The point is, Simmons makes it seem like being a sports fan is a miserable and painful existence. It sucks sometimes, but we put our fucking selves through this shit so we have no one to blame but ourselves! WAH!
/end rant
footbawll variteks? score.
(says he’d totally plow Scott Brown’s daughters)
I’ll be honest, I was more than a little thrilled to find out from post election coverage that his younger daughter goes to my university.
/knowingly still has no shot
Ah, the Katrinas. The jokes will never get old, especially when I get to personally give one of their players shit.
/to be honest, he’s a nice guy
//and hasn’t played a single snap because he’s on IR
///yet still made a fuckton of money this year sitting on his ass
I don’t know if this has been mentioned before, but I have high doubts that Tawwmy know the meaning of the word “proxy”
“The winners get to go pee and the loser has to tip.”
Hey shithead, bring the funny or fuck the fuck off.
“AND THE ANSWER IS FACK YOU! GAME SIX IS ITS OWN FACKIN’ THING!”
Drew is the Kwisatz Haderach.
Simmons is the thin white douche.
Tawmmy was last seen on CNN falling onto the train tracks.
Thank you for that. Such a great way to throw it to the weekend.
waterlogged darkies? awesome.
(never tips the black stripper)
I think the parenthetical asides for this bit are the best things going on this web site. They’ve taken on a life of their own.
@ David West Pouts — Funny, any time we see 3 Ol’ Miss fucktards like yourself, we love taking your money.
Always remember this: Holy Cross is for Catholics who couldn’t get into Notre Dame or BC.
Wanna like Simmons, but GAWHD is he facking pretentious…
Bill Simmons is at least fifty percent of what made David Tyree so fucking perfect…I’ve never been so excited for an upcoming online column in my life as I was for his shit after XLII…
More Boston losing, please.
It would make me so happy if I found out that Matt Ryan plowed Scott Browns bball playing daughter. MATTY ICE!!!!111
“(never tips the black stripper)”
+1000. Whenever we get a dahhhkie stripper in New Orleans my buds and I play ‘paper, rock, scissors’. The winners get to go pee and the loser has to stay and tip.
Is there any way that Tommy would spell “Belichick” correctly?
What do you think he calls his cock?
I quickly skimmed some the Simmons article to get some context. Fuck man, I know pointing out individual problems in this self-righteous prick’s columns is pointless, but how does he leave my Bengals off the tortured franchises list? Stop acting like the ambassador of all sports you FACK!
Will there be Pro Bowl liveblogging?
@Jackin: My cup runneth over. Thanks!
Please dont stop using this picture for all New England posts. Its absolutely hysterical!
@Handle: no problemo my fellow KSKommenter. But just in case you need a more direct takedown, BDD has done so on DS.
/Bahhhstahhn bashing in stereo is SWEET
“Yes, Simmons did actually compare himself to the Ghost Whisperer in his column today.”
Really?
Glad I skipped it then. Fuck him
Tommy satisfies my earlier post asking for a Simmons takedown and I will no longer jeopardize Sexy Friday with annoying requests. Be easy Jackin’ 4 Beats, Sexy Friday is saved!
/has completely abandoned other sports/comedy sites
Read Simmons for the first time in months today, was drooling at the prospect of a Tawmmy takedown. He is such an insufferable asshole. Drew, thanks for the early delivery. Glad there’s someone left not kissing this guys ass.
“FACK YOU! HE CHANGED THE SPARTSWRITING JOHN-RA FOREVA!!!!!!”
Questions: Has TAWWWW-MY ever given his opinion on the Land Baron? And will he claim that The Who’s performance of “Tommy” is about him?
just had the misfortune of running into, apparently, Tommy’s brother at a local bar. Hot (female) bartenter, who Tommy’s brother begins to hit on with the following exchange: “TB: Hey. BARTENDER: TB: Hey, I’m from Bawwwstahn. BARTENDER: TB: Hey, Hey, I’m from Bawwwstahn. BARTENDER: . TB: Go Sawx.”
Tommy is apparently not fiction.
Is there any way that Tommy would spell “Belichick” correctly?
Amazed that Tommy knew the word “prawxy”
It’s not just Shonn Greene that the Pats should have drafted, but now Simmons has started bemoaning the fact that they didn’t draft Jones-Drew either. And what about Garcon? Belichek is getting to old to recognize talent anymore.
SO FACK THIS GAME! IT IS NAWT IMPAHHHTANT! Who cay-ahhs if a bunch of watahlawggged dahkies finally win a Supah Bowl? Besides, what’s the line? Seven points? I DON’T AGREE WITH THAT FACKIN’ LINE!
And so goes the dynasty known as wank sawx nation…
I would tip mo-wah if the dallah bills depicted a Kennedy ahn them. THEY AHH TRUE AMERICAN ROYALTY! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
never tips the black stripper As a pats fan and a simmons apologist I’d like to get fired up about these pieces and drop two tons of comment diarhea Monkey Business style, but the stage directions capture the worst of New England so well that I just can’t. As usual, “Its true! We’re so lame!”
/fixed
On behalf of the Katrinahs, fuck your awnah Tommy.
But what I really want to hear from Tommy is what he thinks about the “Jersey Shore”.
/Stopped listening to any Simmons podcast where he talks Reality TV
I forgot they were waterlagged dahkies…
Those people are so poor, and so black.
/Blitzer’d
I like how he admitted he was self-centered so he could rationalize being even more self-centered.
Most guys in Boston are so desperate they plow Dexter Coakley.
I knew that if I just waited long enough, a bright side for my laundry (Eagles) losing in the first round would emerge. Thank you, BDD and Team Purple, for taking the hit of Bad Tooth Simmons’ unbearable “sympathy”…
Oh, and Tommy is totally convinced that Belichick threw that game so that he can rape the world with unlimited free agent signings. Because that always works in the NFL.
“Waterlogged darkies” is going into every discussion about the Saints for the rest of my life.
@dudebro
Centahfowld’s is in the fackin theatah district you fackin’ prick ya! Wrong side a Washington St. Go back to New Yawk, you can never understand Bahston oar ahr sparts teams!
What does Tommy think about donating to the Haitian relief effort?
Drew, you’ve convinced me. I used to enjoy reading Simmons. But today, reading his column, I was finally noticing the self-absorbed and self-righteous homer-ism on my own! Thanks for opening my eyes. At least I never liked Peter King. Not even when he was writing for the Montclair Weekly.
Everything this man says is so true.
So wait…Tommy lives in Quincy…and he’s from Boston, but he lives in LA…but they don’t have black strippers in Boston…I’m lost…
@Sweet Lou-
Most guys in Boston are so desperate they’d plow Tawmee.
//Mancrush.com’ed
Kyle: “for our honor.”
(comes on to girl, gets rejected, calls her a cunt)
Fantastic, happens at least twice a night up here.
@ Kyle: “As you know, the Katrinas are now playing for our honor.”
“As you know, the Katrinahs ahhh now playing for-ah ow-ah awnah!!!”
Can someone translate this for me?
Face it, most of the guys in Boston are so desperate they’d plow Martha Coakley.
Flawless.
That was the perfect tonic for “Tommy’s” other column this morning.
/waits for Monkey Business to whine about Tawmmy not mentioning enough about the FACKIN’ Colts.
Bill Simmons as The Sports Whisperer.
Hey now…Tawmee still thinks Teddy is his senator and thinks Scott Brown is the Punter for the Pats.
*rooting for.
The Colts have a black coach, we know who Tommy is rooting.
Plowing Scott Brown’s daughters… I’m glad Tawmmy and I have finally found something to agree on.
(never tips the black stripper)
I went to Centerfolds in Chinatown (Asians ah tha ownly minahrity ahllowed to live heah!) In 2 hours I did not see one black person in the entire place, let alone on stage. OWAH WOMEN MUST BE OF PURE LINEAHGE!
ALSO, I’ve met Scott Brown’s older daughter and can confirm that I would plow her.
I read the Simmons’ column earlier and I absolutely hated how he managed to make the Vikings loss all about himself. And how the fuck do you not remember that the Bills lost 4 in a row? I was a young boy living in Ukraine at the time and I don’t think I can ever forget that fact. Meanwhile the “sports guy” himself manages to.
This seems so familiar. Maybe I dreamed about the column.
I’d have to be really hard up for cleavage to watch CBS. Also, no mention of, um, Mrs. Tawmmy for a while. Coincidence?
Yes, Simmons did actually compare himself to the Ghost Whisperer in his column today.
Man, what a fucktard.
Finally, somewhere I can find a Ghost Whisperer recap online. Looking at you, Uff.
Do you have Simmons permission to repost his column?
man, I am so tempted to make “never tips the black stripper” my Facebook status update.
Scott Browns hot daughters are easily the most important and newsworthy thing to come out of the special election.
(giggled through screening of “Schindler’s List”)
THA HOLLOCAST HAPPENED! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
that was subtle