joe_theismann_joe_gibbs

There’s really no segment tougher to endure than the “Keys To Victory” segment, which is usually nothing more than a rundown of pointless, outdated football cliches. Stop The Run! Win The Turnover Battle! Something About The Other Team’s Best Player! Thanks for absolutely nothing, fellas. Why not add Score More Points Than The Other Team, does that count for analysis?

And with Joe Gibbs and Joe Theeezman back in the broadcast booth, it’ll just be worse. Football fans were dancing in the streets when Theismann was kicked out of the Monday Night booth in 2007. And it wasn’t because he killed a bunch of dogs or told a bunch of shitty jokes on SNL. He was just bad at talking about football. And whether you’re some douchebag in a bar crowing about the Jets or sitting in front of a national audience in a suit and tie, being boring about football is unforgivable.

Talking eloquently about football pays dividends in other walks of life. It’s why O.J. Simpson–who was an analyst for NBC at the time–was set free in his criminal trial. Nobody ever brings that up, but it’s totally true. It’s why Jerome Bettis was finally pushed back out to sea. It’s why Marv Albert was forgiven for being a sodomist. And a damned good one.

But don’t expect any such goodness with this game. Just hit mute and blow through all the shitty songs on your iPod. And then call your dad and listen about how the Bengals lost the turnover battle. Because that’s all we can expect out of some people. Img.