chloroform

With the fantasy season being over — sorry, I don’t consider the playoff fantasy challenges to be actual fantasy football — we didn’t get many queries this week. So let’s kick things off this week with some belated fantasy bitching. Namely, what is a fantasy manager to do if s/he GOES INTO A COMA before the league championship? Oh snap! Let’s find out:

I know this comes over a week late for the fantasy bitching entries, but the events did not unfold until afterward. Nonetheless, it is a bitch of a story.

So I am the commish of a league made up of old high school friends. Like most leagues, we had our championship week 16. Nothing too irregular happened during the regular season or playoffs, but the week of the championship was kinda fucked up.

Did someone go into a coma? I hope it was a coma!

On Christmas Eve, one of the guys playing for the championship ends up in the hospital. Serious shit too. As in he’s is in a coma.

BOOM!

He’s in ICU. Life threatening stuff we’re talking about here. The game is not really the first thing on our minds here. Then again, this is the championship week…

Luckily, he makes remarkable progress in the next couple of days, and is moved out of ICU. Now being the championship caliber manager he is, he already has his lineup set before he went haywire.

THAT’S HOW YOU WIN FANTASY CHAMPIONSHIPS, PEOPLE. You set a just-in-case lineup early in the week, because you don’t know when you’re going to have a heart attack or stroke or whatever. And judging by the average Body Mass Index of KSK’s readership, I’d bet on sooner rather than later.

So Sunday comes and and goes, and he is down by less than 2 points (we use fractals),

Whoa whoa whoa. That is a hardcore-ass chaos theory fantasy league you’ve got there. I’ve heard of using fractions, but fractals?

fractal

with the Minnesota defense left to play, and his opponent is done. Pretty good bets here, as MN has had a solid defense all year and is playing the turnover prone Cutlerfuck.

Jay Cutler blames his last interception on a butterfly flapping its wings in South America.

It looks like hes going to take home the ship, a little perk for an otherwise unimaginably shitty week. Then there is a sudden scoring outburst in the final minutes of the 4th quarter, and the game heads to overtime. At this point, his defense has him 4 points, so he is in position to win.

Bears tear down the field and put Gould in for the GW field goal. If he makes it, our fallen comrade will finish with 3 points from MN, and get the W. Gould misses. No problem, that filthy Judas Favre will get MN a win, and he’ll be the champ. Nope. Peterson fumble. Bears recover. Then that somber diabetic comes out and throws a TD.

That play loses 4 points for the MN defense. They finish with 0 points. Our comatose friend loses the championship on the final play of the Monday night game. If that isn’t one of the shittiest ways to lose a fantasy game, I dunno what is.

And that’s why we at KSK recommend being in a coma for your fantasy football championship. Much less stressful that way.

Also, I’d like to know how a defense loses 4 points for giving up six points. Doesn’t sound right to me.

BTW, our buddy is OK now, so no worries there.

Glad to hear it, as his wellness facilitated all the previous coma jokes. We should really tell more of those.

Now then. On to the questions!

Gentlemen,
Fantasy: Our league this year decided to add a keeper spot, so that each team can keep one player for their squad next year and will lose the corresponding draft pick. After a close loss in the title game in ’08, my team this year was garbage, coming in 11th out of 12. The only guys I could possibly see using the keeper spot on would be Aaron Rodgers, Johnathan “The Daily Show” Stewart, and possibly Knowshon. Rodgers is always going to be solid, but there’s no way to know really how well Stewart might do next year. He went off to close out the year, but DeAngelo will be back and healthy next year, and Knowshon could really be a wild card. Thoughts?

That’s a tough one. You’re right, Stewart was positively brilliant at the end of this year (and very good the rest of the year when he got the touches), but DeAngelo has yet to reach stick-a-fork-in-him age. Rodgers is probably your safest bet: excellent quarterback in a system that throws the ball and has solid receivers.

Sex: Here’s the problem, I am not having any. And it’s not that I fail to hook up whatsoever, in fact last semester was pretty solid in terms of numbers. I just can’t seem to get these chicks to put out. I usually end up hearing some weak excuse like “I’m too tired”. Once I had some chick tell me that since she had class at 8 am, she couldn’t, which wreaked of bullshit.

Reeked. You wreak havoc, you reek of bullshit. Sorry, please continue.

I am not coming away empty handed here by any means, but I would much prefer taking the skin boat to tuna town over a bad beej or a risky hj. Obviously if she says no, she says no, but there has to be a way to avoid all this hand holding bullshit and turn it all the way to eleven in the bedroom. Am I just that bad at hooking up or is there a foolproof way to make a girl put out?
Thanks,
Blue Ball City

Oh, this is a classic problem. You can’t get sex because you want it too much. Women can smell desperation. In order for you to get laid, you have to genuinely not care whether or not you get laid. So all you have to do to get laid is get laid, but you can’t get laid because you’re not getting laid. It’s manhood’s most infuriating Catch-22.

There are solutions, of course. There is the distastefully named “slumpbuster,” which will get you off but leave you feeling ashamed and also potentially hurt your reputation. But I prefer the self-improvement route: when you’re not getting laid, the best thing you can do is throw yourself into a new activity or organization that pushes you to meet a new circle of people and challenges you mentally and/or physically. Join a running club, start going to yoga classes, take cooking or bartending classes, volunteer at a nonprofit — there are any number of things we can do that exist outside of our hedonistic worlds of booze, sports, and porn.

Besides the nice bonus of maybe meeting someone new at these places, the new activities will make you a better, more well-rounded person. And more importantly when it comes to the ladies: you’ll inherently feel like a more complete person. You won’t give off that stench of desperation when you’re telling a girl about how you give up part of your Saturday every week to walk dogs at the no-kill shelter. Karma pays dividends, and it’s more satisfying than sleeping with fatties.

Dear Sirs,
Sex: I recently entered into relations with a woman for what may be classified as my first time. But then again, maybe not. I will let you be the judge. I will spare the details for the sake of brevity. I suffered from performance anxiety and was unable to obtain an erection. I made the best of a bad situation by getting her off with my fingers. At one point I think I may have entered her ever so briefly, but it is hard to say for sure given the flaccidity involved and the loss of sensitivity caused by the condom. I did not get the money shot off. Does this “count” or am I still a virgin?

Your penis was in a vagina. That’s sex. Boom! You’re a man now, son. Some people have a lousy first time. You’re a member of that club.

Sex question part B: Should I be concerned about this performance anxiety problem reoccurring? Or is this a common problem for virgins and I will go on to lead a long, hard sex life? For what it is worth I have never had any problems with either my right or my left hand.

No, you shouldn’t be worried. Anxiety is one of the more common causes of erectile dysfunction. Now that you’re no longer a virgin, there’s no pressure and you should be fine.

Football: I have never partaken in any fantasy (be it sex, football, or any other sport). Should I? I am a big sports fan but I do not follow football all that closely. Some may even call me a fair weather fan (of the Patriots… Fack Indy! Dahkies Suck! So on and so forth). I watch (or listen) to all the Patriots games but only seriously watch a handful of other games each year, plus most of the playoffs. Should I get involved in a league (probably with a friend that lives in another state) next year or would I be wasting the time of serious fantasy footballers?
-Anxiously Awaiting Tahmmy

It depends on what you want out of the NFL. If you’re content with being a casual fan and you like having all sorts of free time where you’re not looking at game splits of Jermichael Finley versus Jeremy Shockey to see who should pick up on waivers, then maybe you should stay away from fantasy.

But here’s the thing with fantasy: there’s no experience needed, and it’s exceedingly simple. I just completed my third year of fantasy, and I already write a fucking advice column about it. Granted, I did a fair amount of research when I started because I didn’t want to look like a retard at my first draft (which can be intimidating), but it’s not rocket science. And if you’re still worried, relax: there are people out there who are casual fantasy football player. They’re not the ones writing into this mailbag, but they do exist.

My opinion: if there’s an open spot in the league, give it a try. It makes watching almost any NFL game automatically interesting, and it’s super fucking easy. Even women can pick it up. (Kidding! Just kidding, ladies.)

Dear KSK,
Football: being that fantasy is over i turn to the MVP question. In my humble opinion, it has to be Zulu, but fuckers like Peter King will probably leave him off their ballot. So who would you like to see win and who do you actually think will win?

Chris Johnson/Cop Speed/Zulu Cthulhu also has the albatross of not making the playoffs on his shoulders. Thanks a lot, Kerry Collins.

Personally, I’d like to see Brees get it. Besides being the key player on the NFC’s best team, there’s also his path over the past couple years: he got pushed out by A.J. Smith in San Diego in favor of Philip Rivers and dissed by Miami before landing in New Orleans, where he adopted the city and completely changed the face of the Saints. You might even say he removed the mole of loser-dom from the franchise. He just seems like an awesome fucking dude, and there’s something about the way he throws the ball that makes every pass play the Saints attempt exciting to me. Oh, and if you want stats: in his fourth year with New Orleans, he had his fourth straight season for over 4300 yards and finished the season tops in the NFL in touchdown passes (34) and passer rating (109.6).

Who do I think will get it? Peyton Manning. He had a similarly excellent season, and he’s more famous.

Sex(ish): I’ve been seeing a girl for a few weeks now and she’s pretty awesome. We haven’t done the deed yet, so the question doesn’t relate to that, it relates to her kissing ability. She has some very strange “technique” i’ve never come across such as she doesn’t pucker her lips, rather it’s more of a pursing (i.e. when we kiss i don’t get any actual lip just the mustache and soul patch zones were she a man /no homo). Also her tongue refuses to leave her mouth and “engage” mine without me literally sticking mine as far as i can into her mouth which feels just wrong. What the hell is the deal? Does Ufford’s standard “open communication” answer apply here?
-Older than 16

Yeesh. So you’re 17, then? And she’s, what? 14? 15? If I’m right — or close to right — then you need to teach the broad how to kiss. It’s part of the responsibility that comes with being a teenage male. Seeing as how that’s pretty much the ONLY responsibility you have as a teenage male, you should be able to step up to the task. It’s as simple as saying, “Here, try this instead.”

Of course, if you’re out of law school and she’s 26 with a career of her own, then she’s clearly an alien trying to assimilate to our human ways. MURDER HER! No, just kidding. But at a certain point in your adult life, both men and women find themselves with a partner who doesn’t know what they’re doing, and it’s just easier to get out and find someone who knows how to kiss/suck a cock/stimulate the clit/whatever simple task it is.

dear ksk,
ok, how do I know if I need to buy magnum condoms? obviously I want to need to buy them and I’ll bullshit myself to that point, every time I break a regular trojan, which is more than often then it should be, I assume its because of my equipment and not my poor hand eye dick coordination. Like hell I can ask a girl, they are too quick to flatter while at the same time attempt to not crush my fragile ego, and I can’t reveal myself to my friends, we don’t have a locker room or play organized sports enough and aren’t comfortable enough with our sexualities. And forget about trying one on, no matter the fit I’ll be certain its meant to be. I’m not asian or black, btw. what am I to do?
-brad

Google “proper penis size for magnum condoms” and then click on the Yahoo Answers link.

Dear KSK,
Sex: Is it acceptable to taste your own semen?

The who to taste what now?

Here’s the back story. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about 17 months now and she gets off on swallowing me. Not just from a blow job but also after we have sex she likes me to finish in her mouth. Now I’m not complaining because it is awesome and she will actually have an orgasm doing it. She thinks it would be hot if after she did this she transferred the semen to my mouth. I believe the term is a snowball?

Yup.

In return she will let me fulfill one of my fantasies. That fantasy is sex in public places. Not necessarily to get caught, but just strange places. She has agreed to let me decide 5 places to have sex if I swallow my own semen. Is it worth it? (The 5 places would be restaurant bathroom, movie theater BJ, jungle gym in the park down the street, in the car at a touch less car wash, and a sporting event.)

That, my friend, is a question that only YOU can answer. I’ve never had the desire to try it, but that doesn’t mean you won’t like it, or that it won’t be worth it to fuck in all the public places you’ve got lined up. It just comes down to how bad you want to be touched at the touchless car wash.

Fantasy – Better keeper going forward: Reggie Wayne or Calvin Johnson?
Keep up the good work,
Greg

Wayne scored twice as many TDs as Megatron this season. At age 31, he’s the new Marvin Harrison, and as we all know, Harrison remained a dominant wideout until the age of 47 after 20 years of working with Peyton. So Wayne’s not a bad option at all.

Personally, I’d go with Johnson: he’s seven years younger, and Matt Stafford showed flashes of being a seriously good NFL QB this year. But then, I’m always biased towards younger players and anyone who isn’t on the Colts.

Gentlemen,
For your convenience, I have managed to merge my fantasy football and sex problems. I won my fantasy football league this year. Since the league is among friends, the tradition is for the prizes to be presented at the Super Bowl party. The winner traditionally donates heavily from his winnings to the beer and pizza fund, so basically you play in the league to control the type of pizza and beer served during the Super Bowl party.

That’s really fucking cool. I like that.

On Super Bowl Sunday though my girlfriend will be returning from a nine week trip overseas. Flight gets in three hours before kickoff. She is rather anxious to see me and vice versa. I will be picking her up at the airport, heading to her place and promptly ending a very long dry spell that is driving us both nuts already. If I have the energy to get out of bed by the time kickoff rolls around, I will be using the energy in other pursuits, like eating sushi off her naked body.

Fair enough. Two months is a long-ass time to get by on just Skype.

I informed the league of this and said the league commissioner can take my winnings and apply them to pizza/beer/wings as he sees fit. I expected to take some abuse for skipping the Super Bowl for a girl, but my league has gone nuts and gone as far to threaten to kick me out.

WHAT? For real? Are your friends all virgins? They’re virgins, aren’t they?

Rather than getting good natured shit talking I’ve been getting butt hurt whining from the league since I broke the news on Sunday night. I see these guys almost every week at the bar, so it isn’t like I’m bailing out on the one time I see them every year.

Jesus Christ, you’ve got some lame-ass two-dimensional stereotype friend characters from a shitty comedy about college life. Don’t they realize that’s more beer and pizza for them?

So what’s the rule here for the amount of abuse they’re entitled to lay on me? I figure they’ll allowed to give me shit through the end of the college bowl season and then either move on or carry out the threat to boot me. I figure college bowl season is fair since if Iowa / GT stinks the joint up we have nothing else to talk about during the game, except for Fox’s love of cheerleader/band shots. Namely at what point can I start pointing out that while yes I may be a pussy whipped bitch for skipping the Super Bowl, I’ll be getting head while half of them are fucking a tube sock? Week 1 of the playoffs, Week 2?

No no no, you’ve got your shit-talking all wrong. You’re not pussy-whipped; you’re pussy-starved. And your friends, instead of doing a little gentle teasing and moving on, are acting like jealous bitches because you’re spending your time with her instead of them.

Getting worked up and making masturbation put-downs will only fuel more shit-talking from them. Better to just stay calm and be polite about them being gay. “What’s the deal, man? Why do you care so much that I’m not going to be there? Do you have feelings for me you need to talk about? You’re not jealous of my girlfriend, are you? Are you in love with me? Because my girlfriend’s in love with me, and that’s why I’m spending the Super Bowl with her. She’s gonna be spending halftime blowing me, and I thought it would be rude to do that in front of everyone. But I dunno, I guess if you really want to, you can come over and start fluffing me in the second quarter. It’s not really my thing, but I don’t like seeing you this upset.”

And if they threaten to kick you out of the league, say, “Oh. I get it. This is the closest you can come to breaking up with me. Well, that’s cool. Whatever helps repress your feelings.” Don’t let them ruffle your feathers. Stay calm. Avoid swearing and the word “gay.” Macho shit-talking is generally effective armor, so the best weapon is not a heavy instrument, but a well-placed barb.