Coach Ryan Prepares A Feast
01.21.10
Mark Sanchez: Holy smokes, Thomas. We’re in the AFC Title Game! I can’t believe it! Last year, I was just some goofball at USC. This year, I’m taking the field with Peyton Manning for the right to go to the Super Bowl! That’s amazing.
Thomas Jones: Yup.
Sanchez: Oh, man. Peyton Manning. He’s the best in the business.
Jones: Yup.
Sanchez: Not gonna be easy to beat him.
Jones: Nope.
Sanchez: You think Coach Ryan has something big up his sleeve for this one?
Jones: Ain’t you seen Coach? He’s something big up all his sleeves.
Sanchez: Oh man, here he comes.
(door flies open)
Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?
Sanchez: Good, coach.
Ryan: Oh! Oh! Oh, do I feel good, men! I woke up this morning. I took a MASSIVE shit. Then I showered, shaved, trimmed by balls, and had the best fucking breakfast I’ve had since yesterday! Mrs. Coach Ryan took me to Good Enough To Eat! And we had eggs sunny side up, eggs over easy, eggs over hard, eggs over mayo, eggs Benedict, eggs Florentine, a Western omelet, a Denver omelet, a meat lover’s omelet, sausage links, sausage patties, sausage trapezoids, bacon, scrapple, pancakes, banana pancakes, silver dollar pancakes, Swedish pancakes, apple pancakes, cream cheese stuffed pancakes, biscuits and gravy, biscuits and ham, biscuits and suet, biscuits and strawberry butter, waffles, French toast, French toast sticks, pancake sticks, waffle sticks, danishes, donuts, bagels, bialies, coffee cake, croissants, cinnamon buns, sticky buns, hot cross buns, and a light fruit salad. And for dessert: MY WIFE’S JUICY SNATCH! Oh man, what a great meal! Can’t wait to have it again tomorrow! What did you have for breakfast, Matador? WAYVOSE RANCHAIROS?!
Sanchez: I had cereal, sir.
Ryan: Did you put sausage in it? A RYAN ALWAYS SAUSAGES HIS FROSTED FLAKES!
Sanchez: No, sir.
Ryan: Well, you’re missing out, Matador! Why you eat so light? Is it to impress the ladies? Oh, I bet the gals out there just fall all over themselves to get at your BURREETO DOS MAHNOSE!
Sanchez: Well, I…
Ryan: Oh! Oh! Ol’ Matador here is feeding the ladies some of his CARNAY AHSAHDO! THAT’S GREAT HUSTLE!
(slaps Sanchez on the ass, hard)
Sanchez: Ouch!
Ryan: Now, first order of business: Nicknames! Matador, you knew nickname is El Conquistador! BECAUSE YOU CONQUERED THOSE FEATHERWEIGHT CHARGER ASSHOLES!
Sanchez: Thank you, sir.
Ryan: Jonesy, your new nickname is Tom. And Greene! WHERE THE FUCK IS MY MAN GREENE?!
Shonn Greene: Here, sir.
Ryan: You new nickname is HULKY! EVERYONE SEE HULKY HERE BUST THROUGH THE FUCKING LINE ON THAT 4TH AND 1?!
Jones: That was me, sir.
Ryan: Well, that was A GREAT FUCKING PLAY, HULKY! GREAT FUCKING HUSTLE!
(slaps Greene on the ass, hard)
Greene: Ouch!
Ryan: And did you all see our man Revis make that juggling pick? Revis, I bet those weren’t the only balls juggled that day! AM I RIGHT? OH HELL YES I AM! CAN I GET A BALLS?
Everyone: BALLS!
Ryan: Now, men. MEN. This is it. This is what we talked about all season long. You put in the effort, and now, here you are. There are four teams left standing: The three top seeds, AND THE FUCKING NEW YORK JETS.
Everyone: YEAHHHHHHHHHH!
Ryan: You aren’t wanted here, men. Make no mistake about that. The league would rather see those glory boys Manning and Favre go at it in the Super Bowl. But you aren’t gonna let that happen, are you?
Everyone: NO!
Ryan: Nobody wants you. Everyone thinks you don’t belong here. They say you got lucky. They say you got handed a playoff spot by the same team you’re playing on Sunday. Hell, our own stadium is named after a fucking Manning’s team. You are the fucking outcasts. The dregs of society. And let me tell you something, men. I WOULDN’T HAVE IT ANY OTHER GODDAMN WAY.
Everyone: YEAHHHHHHHHHH!
Ryan: I’m gonna tell you a story. When my momma was 15 years old, my Daddy got her pregnant. She was just a girl, still in school. Had no idea what to do. She spent nights in her bed, tossing and turning, agonizing over what to do about this child she didn’t want. Now, I wouldn’t have blamed her if she had just said SCREW IT and gone and done what had to be done, if you catch my drift. Those are the choices we make in this life. They can’t be undone. All you can do I hope you did the right thing. But my momma, this poor 15-year-old girl from Oklahoma, decided to have the baby. They took her to the hospital a few months later. And for 36 hours, she writhed in agony as she tried to give birth to her baby. She lost a gallon of blood that night. Her blood pressure plunged down to barely anything. Doctors said she might not make it. But she pushed, and she pushed, and she never gave up. Because she knew. She knew that, by God, she may not have made the right decision, but she wasn’t gonna quit. RYANS DON’T FUCKING QUIT. And so she kept pushing, kept ATTACKING. And soon after, she gave birth to a 40 lb. baby boy. She gave birth to a FUCKING WINNER. And that little 40 lb. baby, that child that, should the coin have flipped the other way, never would have existed… that boy that was an outcast at school… that boy none of the girls wanted to kiss… that boy who always felt like he had to prove something to his Daddy… that boy who was turned away again and again from a head coaching job… that little boy is now one fucking game away from the GODDAMN SUPER BOWL. AND YOU BET SURE AS FUCK THAT I AIN’T DONE PUSHING! ARE YOU?!!!!
Everyone: NO!
Ryan: Now, those Colts there might have some advantages over you. They got the home crowd. They got the glitzy QB. They got the fancy wideouts and their fancy rush ends. But they ain’t seen the things you and I have seen. They haven’t been through the fucking FLAMES AND TWISTED SHRAPNEL like you and I have. They aren’t ready for us. They aren’t ready for fucking WAR. They have no idea just what kind of fucking maniacs they are up against. ARE YOU ALL A BUNCH OF FUCKING MANIACS?!!!
Everyone: YES!
Ryan: ARE YOU FUCKING READY TO KILLLLLLLLLL?!!!!!! ARE YOU READY FOR WAR?!!!!
Everyone: Then tonight, on the eve of battle, WE FEAST! Bring out the training table, men!
Sanchez: Holy shit.
Ryan: In ancient times, the Roman army would gather to feast before they went and kicked the shit out of everything in their path. And tonight, YOU men will do the same. HAVE AT IT! We have steak, chicken, roast beef, pork, ham, lamb, turkey, duck, venison, shark, whale, swordfish, lobster, shrimp, bison, lion, bear, bacon, sausage, bacon sausage, burgers, dogs, chili, wings, beef stew, lamb stew, beef and lamb stew, veal brains, veal liver, veal heart, veal piccatta, pork butt, tenderloin, tacos, taquitos, and more! AND NO BULLSHIT NONMEAT FOODS!
Sanchez: Oh man…
Ryan: And the coup de graw… BRING OUT THE COLT!
Sanchez: Is that a real Colt?
Ryan: Straight from my Daddy’s stable. She’s a good girl. But now, it’s time for her to make the ultimate team sacrifice!
(gets out cleaver, chops horse’s head off)
Sanchez: HOLY CRAP!
Ryan: Any of you men know how to debone a colt?
Sanchez: No.
Ryan: Watch and learn! I can do it in seven seconds!
(bones Colt, hands Sanchez chunk of raw Colt meat)
Ryan: Now eat it.
Sanchez: But I never…
Ryan: EAT IT! DEVOUR IT! CHEW ITS BONES AND BECOME ITS MASTER, CONQUISTADOR!
Sanchez: Oh, okay…
(eats horse)
Ryan: He ate it! He ate it! Ol’ Conquistador just had himself some neighgiri sushi! IS HE READY FOR WAR?!
Everyone: YES!
Ryan: ARE YOU READY FOR FUCKING WAR?!
Everyone: YES!
Ryan: NOT YET, YOU AREN’T! BRING OUT THE PUSSY!
Sanchez: Whoa.
Ryan: They didn’t just eat before war. THEY FUCKED LIKE WARRIORS! NOW GO! GO! GET THAT WARPUSSY!
(everyone goes off to have sex, comes back)
Ryan: NOW FUCKING BRING IT IN!
(everyone brings it in)
Ryan: All of you have fresh Colt blood dripping from your mouth. And you all reek of warpussy. I like it. Don’t wash it off. Save it. Leave it there. Take the field on Sunday with the taste of the opponent’s blood fresh in your mouth, and the stench of conquered woman on you. Let those Indianapolis pussies know you will fucking MURDER them as we did poor Daisy today. Let them know you will stop at nothing until you have torn them limb from fucking limb, and left nothing but blood and bones in your wake. It’s not enough to want to beat those fuckers. YOU HAVE TO WANT TO FUCKING EAT THEM. CONSUME THEM ENTIRELY. WIPE THEM OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH. All that will be left of them will be what’s in YOUR SHIT. Do you understand that?
Everyone: YES!
Ryan: IS IT TIME TO FEAST?!!!!!!
Everyone: YES!
Ryan: We’re gonna fucking WIN! And then we’re go to Medieval Times! FUCKING KILL ON THREE! ONE TWO THREE…
Everyone: KILL!
Ryan: Oof, that was good. Now it’s time for lunch! Blood sausage, HOLD THE SAUSAGE!
Sanchez: I need a breath mint.
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These posts are why I get out of bed on Thursdays.
A RYAN ALWAYS SAUSAGES HIS FROSTED FLAKES!
And they always punch Gilbrides.
Do not address me as “sir.” I am not a “sir.” I am El Conquistador.
“NOW GO! GO! GET THAT WARPUSSY!”
Fucking yes. I’m gonna get a plaque with that and hang it over my door so I can slap it every time I leave the house in the morning.
Now IM ready to run through a brick wall.
Fuck you for making me like the Jets, BDD.
:stands up and salutes:
I want to play for Coach Ryan!
BRING ON THE WARPUSSY!!
It started at Mrs. Coach Ryan and just went uphill from there. Awesome!
Fuck me…hell with coaching my team….I want Sexy Rexy to cater my lunch. Saints-Jets….ya heard it here first.
//off to find some warpussy
FUNSPIRATIONAL.
“…that boy who always felt like he had to prove something to his Daddy”
He’s already proven that he can win a playoff game – something Bigmouth Buddy never did.
Holy shit. I want to play for coach Ryan.
/Fuck it, I’ll even punt. No dangerously elevated heartbeat rate for me, coach.
So yesterday, about a half hour before I left work, I was a little down because it was 4:30 on Wednesday and still no Coach Ryan post. Then I read about the 7,000 calorie/day habit, and I knew why we were waiting. I was not disappointed – I told my wife that I feel the urge to pump myself full of steroids, put on about 100 lbs of muscle, and GO FUCKING PLAY FOOTBALL FOR THAT MAN!
I’m sure it will pass soon, though.
Fuck. And. Yes!
I think this is the first time in my life I’ve ever looked forward to a blog entry on any blog! And, this is why I’ve adopted the Jets throughout the playoffs.
/burns Peyton Manning jersey
/tries to run through goddamn wall
//gets strange looks from other people at office
///fuck them, they clearly are not ready to KILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
You had me at ‘eggs over hard’.
Eating raw Colt meat with a side of warpussy….this makes Russel Crowe in Gladiator look like a pussy.
Rex Ryan should think about life coaching in the off season, man would make a fucking fortune!
Oh, and I’m printing this up and keeping it on me at all times! Also putting it in my iPhone.
/pep-talk on the go before big-city pussytubing.
Only one small thing… Thomas Jones executed that 4th and 1 run on those Charger pussies, not Greene. The War Machine did, however, make LT look like a bitch by stealing his signature celebration.
and with this post, I’m a Jets fan (until March)
[weeps]
I am still pissed that the Jets beat my Chargers and I hate anyone that’s a product of USC, but fuck it…..these posts make me secretly want to root for the Jets now
“Ol’ Conquistador just had himself some neighgiri sushi!”
Thank you.
Shonn Greene’s nickname in college was War Machine. That is a nickname that coach Rex wouldn’t even change.
No way Rex goes to a place like Good Enough to Eat for brunch, though. But good shoutout all the same. ‘
Great, now I can’t get the image of Rex Ryan boning a colt out of my head.
I’ve been trying to think of what personality trait in the “real” Rex Ryan would cause me to dislike the KSK one. Obviously, vegetarianism, but that’s not plausible. As of now, I’m settling for “likes to go antiquing”, but I bet he could antique the fuck out of a weekend.
If the Jets win the Super Bowl, I’m going to give the credit to these posts, not the actual team.
KSK Rex Ryan is my role model…pussytubing AND BBQ…sounds like a fun Friday to me.
you had me at “you all reek of warpussy”.
Also, I just googled “Umbrella Girls” and… goddamn. Thanks for introducing that into my life, BDD.
/off to find Umbrella Girls and demand some warpussy
“NOW GO! GO! GET THAT WARPUSSY!”
It’s not everyday that you get to witness the creation of an internet legend. This is truly a magical time we live in.
I hate to be that guy, but it was Jones who got the first down on 4th & 1, and Colts are male.
Otherwise, fucking brilliant as always. KILLLLLLLLLLL!!
BS. How can he trim something he hasn’t seen in 40 years?
I want some bacon sausage and the last girl in the picture.
i’m pretty sure “boning” a colt is illegal everywhere but west virginia and kentucky.
I kinda want to go to Good Enough to Eat! sometime…
Fixed the Greene thing.
I love how the first thing on Rex’s agenda is always “nicknames”
Uh, isn’t Rex a twin?
I will run through a brick wall for fake Rex Ryan.
God I hate the Jets – but Oh. Sweet. Jesus. That was epic! Best one so far! (wipes tears)
Here’s looking forward to another if they win!
Yes he is a twin. It’s like George and Oscar Bluth on Arrested Development.
[en.wikipedia.org]
[www.giftsandfreeadvice.com]
[www.blogcdn.com]
You had me at “eggs over mayo.”
KSK Rex Ryan should run one of those motivational/corporate retreats in the off season.
I hope to God he reads these.
Sausage made from bacon. You are a motherfucking genius.
I now reek of Warpussy!
(She was, technically, a sheep, but it still counts, right?)
Actually, he was a quad, but he ate two siblings in utero.
***
I wonder what Drew’s gonna do if we end up with a Jets-Vikings Super Bowl.
‘Twas Greene’s 9.5 yard run on third down that killed the Chargers anyway.
I kinda figured he was aware that Colts are male. I think KSK Coach Ryan doesn’t really care, he just wants to kill and eat a horse.
Goddamned amazing.
Now excuse me while I go slaughter a horse…then burn down Indianapolis.
I just became a Jets fan. *puffs cigarette* *tosses cumsock aside* *Eddie Curry’s servant hurriedly cleans it up*
If the Jets lose, KSK Rex Ryan gets to coach next week’s Pro Bowl. Hmmm…KSK Rex together with Zulu Kthulu, Andre “the GOAT” Johnson, Ray Lewis, and special appearance by “Butters” Kaeding. I may actually root for the Colts to see this glorious episode.
Best post evar! holy. fucking. shit. Bravo, Drew. Bravo!
Greene thing is fixed
No mention of twin Rob…cmon I really want this to be Rex Ryan.
No mention of twin Rob…cmon I really want this to be Rex Ryan.
/Slow claps.
Fan-fuckin-tastic, Drew.
I hope the J-E-T-S are plenty hungry. We got some bolognee ponee for em , and then they can sling some of peyton’s very long and veiny swinging steak. Regie, Dallas, Austin, Jeff, Robert, Antoine, Gary, Raheem, Donald, Melvin, Keyunta, Kyle, Ryan, Battleship Peyton, Eric, Dwight, Pierre, Mike, Charlie, Tim, Antonio, Ramon, Fredie, Jerrod, Jacob, Daniel, Gijon, Clint, Chad, Justin, Tony, Phillip, Coach Caldwell, Mr. Polian, Mr. Irsey and Russel the love muscle have all the man sausage the lost boys of NYC can handle. It’s gonna be a crash landing as a guided missle from Mr. 6’5″ rocket laser arm blows up the Jets. I hope there is a parachute big enough for that fat ass big mouth Rex. Also, quit it with the virus attacks on Indy fans. So childish and lowbrow.
I wish it had been Rex Ryan that had punched Gilbride. He’d have knocked his head clean off, instead of just annoying him a little the way Buddy did.
This post was so good it broke the game. God almighty I have never wanted a team other than my own to win a game more than I want the Jets to win on Sunday.
I wonder what Warpussytubing would be like. Probably awesome. And probably best with a pork dish.
Wow.
Of course being a paranoid Jets fan, every time Coach Ryan has slaughtered the other teams animal we’ve lost. But that was fucking epic. My stomach hurts.
@Fat Humps…ya ever hear of satire? Now, go fuck yourself.
Honestly, I wish Rex Ryan was coaching the Colts. He’d bring in an airplane so the Colts could tear it apart with their bare hands before the game, reeking of jet fuel and twisted metal.
Fake Coach Rex Ryan should really be a life coach.
epic.
i am forever changed.
“Bring out the colt” That shit was perfect!
Masterpiece!! One more of these next week please!!!
Rob Ryan must have weighed another 40 pounds. Yikes.
“hot cross buns and a light fruit salad.” Awesome.
BDD, did you add War Machine? Because that is an amazing nickname.
Can we get a HOW THE FUCK YA DOIN’?! face vs. Manning Face WHO YA GOT?
Also, Rex would never demean or call into question his manhood by coaching the Fat Humps.
Wasn’t this site supposed to be funny? That’s what I heard, but all I see are stupid poop jokes and retarded posters who obviously have nothing else to do with their pathetic lives….
I expected better…
KSK Rex Ryan is proof that Drew loves us and wants us to be happy.
look at that cute face, no way Sanchez is a date rapist!
Honestly, I wish Rex Ryan was coaching the Colts.
Yeah, your team would be trying to go undefeated right now instead of being chickenshit pussies afraid of their own success.
After the Jets win I hope Coach Rex takes a dump on the deck of a battleship.
“Wasn’t this site supposed to be funny? That’s what I heard, but all I see are stupid poop jokes”
Did someone tell you there WEREN’T going to be stupid poop jokes? Blame your referrer.
War Pussy > War Machine > War Pigs
What could be more unfailingly funny than stupid poop jokes?
Nothing, that’s what.
LMAO!!!!! I think everyone in the office just heard me laughing!!!! Funniest one ever!!!!
Isn’t eggs over mayo something the fat humps would eat?
“And so she kept pushing, kept ATTACKING. ”
LOL.
I believe it was the Roman historian, Tacitus, who first described warpussy in the Germania. Or was it the Agricola?
I believe it was the Roman historian, Tacitus, who first described warpussy in the Germania. Or was it in the Agricola?
HOLY FUCK. I will do anything to play for Rex Ryan.
These posts are AWE-SOME.
i love sausage. i love rex ryan. my real first name is ryan. i don’t know what it all means, but if you ground it all up it would probably make a delicious sausage.
“(door flies open)” should be retired, except for use with Coach Ryan.
Oh, and I had no problem with anything going on up there (including the horse) except for the scrapple.
Is it sad that I am pulling for teh Jets to make the Seper Bowl so we can see what KSK Rex Ryan does for the Super Bowl…
BALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM SO FUCKING PUMPED!!!!!!
YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
haha love it
Ryan: Any of you men know how to debone a colt?
Sanchez: No.
Ryan: Watch and learn! I can do it in seven seconds!
(debones Colt, hands Sanchez chunk of raw Colt meat)
Ryan: Now eat it
If the Jets face the Saints in the SB, that woman with the pert rack in the previous post will be the warpussy.
I am disappointed whenever I see the actual Ryan talk in public. Not nearly as intense as this. I hope the Jets win so ole’ Rexy talks about ripping Favre’s legs off too.
How about a Jets-Colts corollary… Mother Ryan could have aborted Rex or kept him. She has him but puts him up for adoption. He comes back 15 years later and SNUFFS THAT BITCH!
NEVER GIVE A RYAN A SECOND LIFE!!!!!
> Any of you men know how to debone a colt?
I should know better than to be sipping coffee while reading these posts. Gotta clean this monitor now.
I bet I know which one Braylon ended up fucking.
Is it assumed that Rex butters his bacon and thus bacons up his sausage?
@ Mini Dagger
They guy on the stool?
“Neighgiri sushi” nearly killed me.
Medieval Times!
It’s the little things. “That’s great hustle” after Sanchez gets some ‘tang. Gets me every time.
This is the first time all year Sanchez knew who his opponent was.
They haven’t been through the fucking FLAMES AND TWISTED SHRAPNEL like you and I have.
Another way of saying Bruce Coslet and Browning Nagle
i seriously hate how sniveling, whining fat humps have invaded this site. come on jets, beat these assholes.
All of you have fresh Colt blood dripping from your mouth. And you all reek of warpussy.
Best.Line.Ever.
Good Enough To Eat= Best breakfast joint in NYC
this is the sole reason i was rooting for the jets on sunday
HA! this might be the best in an outstanding series.
Once, just once, I want to reek of warpussy.
If you saw Sexy Rexy after the beating the Chargers, he IS a lot like this. That’s what makes these posts so great. (Much like Coughlin the disciplinarian or Chad 85 and Marvin Lewis (my favorites).
+ 100.
Go Jets.
BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS!
What, no milksteak? The highlight of my week, regardless.
I nominate “Now fucking bring it in” as the next great KSK t-shirt
@ fat humps & short bus:
if you don’t like the site, there are plenty of other ones on the internet that will no doubt better cater to your tastes in humor. may i suggest streaming video of the ellen degeneres show? it’s no doubt sanitary and inoffensive enough for you both. or, ten at night isn’t too late for you, the jay leno show is a comedy goldmine.
you make me wish superAIDS were real.
*if* ten at night…
also, BDD, these are the best posts ever, especially since they reinforce why i wanted my team to hire ryan this offseason.
epic as ever.
“Ain’t you seen Coach? He’s something big up all his sleeves.”
Great line. Too bad it’s hidden Rex’s massive shadow.
Roman soldiers once mutinied because there was too much meat in their rations.
/pedantry’d
@JewDago It’s not that it’s offensive. It’s just that it’s amazingly stupid. You are all retarded. Fortuantely, you’ll all disappear after the Colts wreck the Jets on Sunday.
BTW, Jersey sucks. <3 Short Bus
FEAAAAAAST
/KILL KILL KILL
//I must play for this man
I was waiting for a 40 lb. Bob Ryan to be pushed out after Rex. THERE’S NO QUIT IN A RYAN!
While I can let the female colt references slide, I REFUSE to believe that Rex Ryan is in any way capable of seeing his balls, let alone trimming them himself. Maybe some 16 year old war-pussy trims them.
Ya know, I normally have no problem pulling for the Colts, but I will not be doing so this Sunday. Yes, the Colts fans have become nothing more than insufferable, cocky, whiny fat humps. And, yes, like I mentioned in my comments earlier, I have adopted the Jets during this year’s playoffs simply because of these entries.
Also, the NY post said Ryan consumed 7,000 calories a day. I think they left off “,000″ on purpose.
/Broncos fan
//hates the Chargers and Marmalard
///fuck Indy and their fat hump fans
////Wishes Bowlen would have hired Rex Ryan over Josh McDaniels.
There’s a great underrated section in these for me – the beginning, before Coach Ryan comes in, where Sanchez is always rambling on and Thomas Jones is just “yup”, “nope”…I always picture Jones thinking “when is this moley-faced rook gonna shut up already!”
You are all retarded
Says the idiot who can’t spell ‘fortunately’. Now go and sit in the back of the bus and keep quiet like you’re supposed to little boy.
Goddammit . . . I’ve been adamantly against having the Jets in the Super Bowl because I live in Miami and don’t want to put up with their fans . . . but these posts are so fucking funny and I want more . . . and it’s not like everyone down here isn’t already from New York . . . argh, KSK, you see how confused you’ve made me?
Not gonna lie, I am SO STOKED for this.
The colt thing… wow… that was just brutal, but here I am still laughing.
ESPN has a tribute to the Ryans.
[sports.espn.go.com]
The internet will implode under the weight of the sheer awesomeness of the Rex Ryan posts if the Jets make it all the way.
love it! lmao
BDD: I…I…I don’t even know what to say. Goddamn man that was outstanding.
/standing ovation
//whiny fat humps need de-boning
I think the world now has one less cowboys fan, and one more jets fan.
Bravo.
My wife is going to get something when I get home. Warpussy for me supreme! SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
This not only makes me root for the Jets, it makes me want to carpet bomb Russia, North Korea, China, Libya, and, uhh, err, Tampa, Florida just for the fuck of it.
/Now must listen to Man O’ War albums/
/Drink shitloads of beer/
/Listen to Cannibal Corpse while watching Full Metal Jacket/
/actually leaned in toward the screen for the story
I think it’s the deadpan stage directions that offset the over-the-topness, such as:
(everyone goes off to have sex, comes back)
that do it for me.
Roy Williams dropped the pussy.
@ Short Bus: then what, good sir, constitutes the obviously high-brow humor you appreciate? enlighten me.
@ short bus: offensive, not funny, whatever. if you don’t like it, GO THE FUCK SOMEWHERE ELSE.
the midevil times line is underrated.
You know, when they beat my Bengals, the only reason i wasn’t completely upset was the continuation of these.
I wanna play for Rex!
I have decided a name change was necessary for this new nickname.
“All that will be left of them will be what’s in YOUR SHIT.”
So fucking lofty.
Just when I think these can’t get any better, you out do yourself Drew. Fanfuckingtastic. Is it too much to ask for a Jerry/Wade season ending recap?
I wish KSKRex was my dad
I’m almost ready to jump ship completely to the Jets. If I have to endure more than one further season of Jamarcus Russell, I will follow Rex no matter which team he goes to, even the fucking Broncos.
/knows he has to expect at least 10 more Jamarcus starts
//sobs
WAYVOSE RANCHAIROS! WAYVOSE RANCHAIROS! WAYVOSE RANCHAIROS! WAYVOSE RANCHAIROS! WAYVOSE RANCHAIROS! WAYVOSE RANCHAIROS! WAYVOSE RANCHAIROS
!
Can we have some WAYVOSE RANCHAIROS?!
YES!!!
Holy shit, this is amazing. Only thing missing is Rex carrying Marmalards severed head when the (door flies open)
Between Real Ryan and KSK Ryan and unexpected playoff success, this season’s brought me so much joy, I’m literally overjoyed, and kinda don’t know what to do with myself. As a Jets fan, “happy” is not something that’s part of the emotional palette, you know?
God bless the internetz
Who else here is PISSED that The Double J gave Wade an extension before Rexy KILLS in Miami? Would gnaw my own foot off to see Double J try to sign Rex in Dallas, and then duck everytime I see “door flies open”.
Fuck Coffee in the morning. Need me some Warpussy.
@Roberto Humidor: Go blow yourself.
BTW, still don’t get this “fat hump” shit, and no one can explain it. So, guess what? You’re all STILL retarded.
Ryan: Any of you men know how to debone a colt?
One of the funniest lines, EVER! New to the site, fan for life!
Come on Drew, you know Rex is a twin. Right?
“But my momma, this poor 15-year-old girl from Oklahoma, decided to have the baby.”
C’mon Prowler! You know Coach Ryan ate his twin in utero!!!! How do you think he got to be 40 lbs!!!!!! GO JETS!!!!
That is some of the funniest stuff I have ever met.
That is some of the funniest stuff I have ever read! Too good. am crying. Well done.
HOLY FUCKING WAYVOSE RANCHAIROS! You nailed this one partna! Next up: REX RYAN vs. The ViQueens! That Brett Favah sonsabitch won’t know what hit him!
GODDAMN I wish they would have won yesterday – I was looking forward to RR:GCE speech before the Super Bowl. This makes me wanna run through a goddamn brick wall (h/t BDD). That said, I’m rooting for the Saints – fuck that fetushead and his progressions and ability to adjust…
biscuits and suet.
some write great. some are great writers. only a rare, fortunate few are both.
thanks for favoring us with your work, drew.
a long off-season just became longer still.
oh – and perfect editorial choice on the lovelies lucky enough to be designated the warpussy.
fuck. and yes. and often.
“There’s a great underrated section in these for me – the beginning, before Coach Ryan comes in, where Sanchez is always rambling on and Thomas Jones is just “yup”, “nope”…I always picture Jones thinking “when is this moley-faced rook gonna shut up already!””
Exactly. Love that. Jones never has more then a one word answer, and Sanchie usually never knows who they are playing. I love that too.