Coach Ryan Gets An Unwelcome Visitor
01.14.10
Mark Sanchez: Who we got this week, Thomas? The Chargers?
Thomas Jones: Yup.
Sanchez: Oh, man. They’ve won twelve in a row. They’re no joke.
Jones: Nope.
Sanchez: But I feel good, man. I know a lot of people doubted me, but I helped the team on Saturday. Just gotta keep at it.
Jones: Yup.
Sanchez: Where’s Coach Ryan?
Jones: I dunno, but my water glass is shakin’, so he can’t be far.
Sanchez: Oh man, here he comes.
(door flies open)
Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?
Sanchez: Good, coach.
Ryan: Let me tell you something, men. I feel fucking GREAT. Look out that window. PERFECT FUCKING DAY FOR GETTING READY TO KILLLLLLLLLLLL!
Sanchez: Yes, sir.
Ryan: You know what I did this morning, Paunch? There was this raccoon going through our garbage. Big raccoon. Bigger than Dustin Keller. So I said to the raccoon, “Raccoon, you’d best clear the fuck out. THAT’S A REX RYAN GARBAGE CAN, AND YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FUCK WITH A REX RYAN GARBAGE CAN.” Well, that raccoon stayed right there, not budging an inch. And you know what I did next? I shot him. With a shotgun. BLEW HIS FUCKING HEAD CLEAR OFF! He won’t be going through my old T-bones any time soon!
Sanchez: Yes. sir.
Ryan: Can you feel my intensity, Paunch! GOD DAMN, WE ARE FUCKING DEEP IN THESE PLAYOFFS LIKE A CHEERLEADER’S SNATCH! You see how I’m ready to killllllllll at all times?
Sanchez: I am, sir.
Ryan: You had a helluva fucking game last week, Paunch. I bet you got yourself a SHITLOAD of teenage pussy after that game, didn’t you? Didn’t you, boy?
Sanchez: Well, I…
Ryan: Oh! Oh! Ol’ Paunch here punched himself into some teen tang! THAT’S GREAT HUSTLE!
(slaps Sanchez on the ass, hard)
Sanchez: Ouch!
Ryan: Paunch, from now on, your new name The Matador. CAUSE YOU TAMED THE PUSSYBULL!
Sanchez: Yes, sir.
Ryan: And Braylon Edwards, your new nickname is Roy Williams! BECAUSE YOU FUCKING SUCK! Now, men. MEN. We have a big game on Sunday. BIG FUCKING GAME. We’re going to San Diego and we ain’t going to surf and cruise for tuna tacos. We are going there to fucking killlllll, and I brought someone in today to help get that message across to you.
(door flies open)
Buddy Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YOU BOYS DOIN’?
Ryan: They’re doin’ fucking GREAT, Dad. They’ve got their eyes open and their cocks up.
Buddy Ryan: Good, good. Now, I wanna tell you boys somethin’. Bring it in.
(everyone brings it in)
Buddy Ryan: Back in my day, there wasn’t no spread offenses or any of that chuck and duck shit. You read me? Football wasn’t some queerass throwing game. Football was fucking WAR. You take on your man, you beat him, and you stomp on his bloody fucking corpse. That’s the football I was raised on, and that’s the kind of football I want you to play on Sunday.
Sanchez: Yes, sir.
Buddy Ryan: I tell you to talk, boy? Son, who the fuck is that?
Ryan: That’s The Matador. He’s our QB.
Buddy Ryan: Quarterback? Yeah, he looks like a QB. Lock him in the icebox, will ya?
Ryan: That’s not legal anymore, Pop.
Buddy Ryan: Goddamn government fairies.
Ryan: Matador’s okay. HE’S A FUCKING KILLER! AREN’T YOU, MATADOR?!
Sanchez: Very much so.
Buddy Ryan: That boy is from Cali. I can smell the gay on his skin. Probably ain’t even killed a daisy. Now, I wanna teach you boys about how to properly gouge an eye. You listening? When you take one of those fucker’s eyes out, you do it WHEN THE OTHER MAN HAS LOWERED HIS HEAD. That way, you can get under there, and the refs can’t see it. Next order of business: breaking fingers. Always go for the pinky. If you’re lucky, the o-lineman across from you was too dumb to tape his pinky to his ring finger. You fucking pull that shit until you hear the pop. That way, you know you got him. You made your bounties yet? In Oklahoma, we don’t take the field without making our goddamn bounties.
Ryan: We sure have, Dad. Surf and Turf dinner to the first man to take a testicle away from that asshole Philip Rivers.
Buddy Ryan: Oh, good! I don’t like that boy. QB. Red ass. You take that fucker out, other team don’t stand a chance.
(door flies open)
Marmalard: YAAAAA BETTTAAA NOT PUT A BOUNTY ON SOMEBODAYYYYYYYYY!
Ryan: How’d you get in here?
Marmalard: AHAHAHAHA! I could storm Hannibal’s Army thru any door your fat ass can walk through, COCKWALLET!
Buddy Ryan: You’d best scram there, boy. Before you get hurt.
Marmalard: OOOH, I’M SO SCARED. “Loogit me, I’m Buddy Ryan and I punched Kevin Gilbride! THEN I GO HOME AND FUCK MY CATTLE!” You Ryans don’t scare KING LASERFACE! He is here to repel your bounties with the protection of the Almighty’s force field, granted to him through years and years of floaty abstinence! I’VE TURNED DOWN PUSSY THAT WOULD MAKE YOUR DICK POKE OUT OF ITS FATTY MOUSECAVE, ASSCUNT!
Ryan: You keep talkin’, Rivers. These boys here hear every word you’re saying.
Marmalard: You’ll never get me to stop talking! You Ryans think you have a patent on talking big shit. LOOGIT US! WE’RE THE SUPER BOWL FAVORITES! WE’RE SO FEARSOME! Well, guess what, fuckshelf? YOU CAN’T COACH TALL. I HAVE MALCOLM FLOYD AND HE’S 6’23” AND HE WILL SLAP YOU ON THE TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS MASSIVE BLACK COCKLARIAT. FUCKING BELIEVE IT! I’m taking a ferry to Revis Island, and I’m going to tame every Godless savage on it! Soon, they will be swathed in the long underwear of our Lord! I’LL SEE YOUR ASS ON SUNDAY! THE DAY OF OUR MARMALARD!
(door shuts)
Buddy Ryan: He don’t scare me.
Ryan: ARE YOU MEN GONNA TAKE THAT ASSHOLE’S SHIT LYING DOWN?
Everyone: No!
Ryan: Bring it in tighter, men.
(everyone brings it in tighter)
Ryan: Men, no one is picking us to win on Sunday. They think we’re happy just to have won one game. They think we’ve had our fun, and now it’s time to lay down and fucking die. They think the Chargers are taller, and faster and stronger than you. But there’s one thing those fuckers aren’t counting on: HATE. Men, this is a game of hate. You have to hate that man across from you. You have to want to fucking murder him. Because he’s the scum of the fucking Earth who deserved it. You need that hate to sit inside you. Seethe. Fester. Make you do ugly, horrible things you didn’t think you were capable of doing. You have to want to kill the man across from you. You have to shed your civilized urges and think only of evil, terrible things. BLOOD. GUTS. WAR. You have to become heartless psychopaths. ARE YOU FUCKING READY TO BECOME PSYCHOPATHS?!
Everyone: Yes!
Ryan: I am fucking psychopathic right now, men. If that fucking Marmalard walks in here again, I will fucking sit on his head until it squashes like a grape. I WILL SHOOT HIM LIKE A VARMINT GOING THROUGH MY GARBAGE. Then I’ll dance on his fucking skull. And that’s what I want out of you. I want DEATH. I want MAIMING. You men are fucking WINNERS. You are fucking MURDERERS. YOU ARE THE FUCKING PARTY OF WAR AND THOSE WHO SEE YOU COMING KNOW THERE IS NO LONGER NEITHER TIME NOR HOPE. I want you to ATTACK. To INFLICT. To HURT. I want you to fucking killllllllll!!! Are you fucking ready to kill?!
Everyone: Yes!
Ryan: Are we gonna fucking win!
Everyone: Yes!
Ryan: And are we all gonna go out for tacos and dog sex afterwards?
Everyone: Yes!
Ryan: FUCKING KILL ON THREE! ONE TWO THREE!
Everyone: KILLLLLLLLL!
Ryan: Fuck! I need fresh boxers! Got the swampass again!
Sanchez: We are so winning on Sunday.
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I brought someone in today to help get that message across to you.
i’ve determined that the “asscunt” must be the female taint
@DeadLetterOrifice
My youngest brother just bought a lizard. I named it HOW THE FUCK YA DOIN’, BOYS?
That’s it, I’m officially naming my first child (Door Flies Open)
Where’s the nearest brick wall? I need to run through it to KIIILLL the Jesus Johns wearing gay smelling smashed grape head. I want to fucking murder him. Because he’s the scum of the fucking Earth who deserves it.
I’ll stick with parades and tits though. No tacos and dog sex.
YOU ARE THE FUCKING PARTY OF WAR AND THOSE WHO SEE YOU COMING KNOW THERE IS NO LONGER NEITHER TIME NOR HOPE.
Holy shit. That’s like the most METAL thing I have ever heard. Nathan Explosion apoproves. Great coulmn Drew!
Rexy & Laserface in the same post…the interwebs just melted.
“floaty abstinence” = lofty abstience
“Buddy: Lock him in the icebox, will ya?
Ryan: That’s not legal anymore, Pop.”
Mike Leach is also not aware this is no longer permissible.
Tim Tebow will be taking the abstinence ferry to Revis Island as well, and, in the name of the Lord, will brutally hack the foreskin from the penises of every Godless savage on it after King Phillip the Laserface tames them and their heathen fornicating ways with the power of the almighty Laser-Float!
In my mind, Rex speaks like an even more gravelly-voiced and drunk Ron White. Because, hell, their faces look kinda similar to me.
After this post, I really want the winner of this game to go to the Super Bowl, just so we can hear some championship-caliber shit-talking.
This might just be my favorite KSK skit ever.
SO MANY DOORS, SO MUCH FLYING OPEN.
Pat Summitt thinks Rex Ryan is a pussy for using a shotgun.
When Rex gets underway at full battle rattle (assuming he ever slows down), the voice I hear is Sterling Hayden (BG Jack Ripper), explaining the facts of life to Peter Sellers (Group Captain Lionel Mandrake), in Dr Strangelove.
Gotta conserve our purity of essence for the pussy pillaging that will follow the Jets inevitable triumph over marmaduke.
“YOU ARE THE FUCKING PARTY OF WAR AND THOSE WHO SEE YOU COMING KNOW THERE IS NO LONGER NEITHER TIME NOR HOPE.”
If Rex Ryan had only spoken at Little Big Horn who knows how history would have been re-written! Makes me wanna go out and go all kinda Green Street Hooligans on San Diego fans but since I live in Illinois (and am a Bear fan) I’ll settle for the first cocktwat Viking or Cowboy fan I see … WHO’S WITH ME BOYS!!!
(crickets)
FINE … WE’RE GOING PUSSY TUBING AFTER!!!
Everyone: KILLLLLLLLL!
I’m rooting for the Jets now. I want them to Fuckin’ kill Marmalard! KILLLLL!
“HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?” along with the accompanied photo should be inside every greeting card in America. How can a person not fucking smile proudly when they see that?
Absolutely glorious article. I was already well on my way to losing it when the “ferry to Revis Island” line came up to seal the deal.
Absolutely fan-fucking-tastic. I would like to donate to the making of “Door Flies Open: The Movie”, because that shit would be epic and quoted for years. Lets make it happen.
I’m rooting for the jets to win it all solely because of these posts.
“what in the fuck is the “chuck and duck” offense?”
Buddy used to call the run and shoot the chiuck and duck.
i don’t get how matador was sopposed to fuck fire last week then be recovered in time to fuck a shitload of teenage pussy this week. there’s more plotholes than an episode of the gongshow up in here
@martinriggs – Rex sounds like the John Goodman character from “O Brother”, but a little higher pitched and less gravelly. It’s a big voice, a lofty voice.
Agreed, Big Jim Slade. “And Braylon Edwards, your new nickname is Roy Williams! BECAUSE YOU FUCKING SUCK!” was easily the funniest part of this, but it was all awesome.
thank you sir. i REALLY needed that.
“i can smell the gay on his skin.”
fucking awesome.
I always liked the Chargers… but after reading that, I’m pretty sure I’m betting on and rooting for the Jets this weekend. That shit really happened, right?
The next garbage can that raccoon tries to rob better have a ramp.
With the promise of a surprise, I was expecting Rivers when the first (door flies open) showed up.
anyone notice sanchize never seems to be sure of who they’re playing?
Looking forward to this one. As a not-so-wise man once said:
SHIT B ON
lost in the mayhem: what in the fuck is the “chuck and duck” offense? I’d really like to hear someone come up with an explanation for that.
Marmalard and Rex Ryan in the same post…. Quite possibly the greatest of all time
“I’VE TURNED DOWN PUSSY THAT WOULD MAKE YOUR DICK POKE OUT OF ITS FATTY MOUSECAVE, ASSCUNT!”
I love you (in a totally hetero way) 4EV, <3 <3 <3
(Cadet Captain David Shawn) IT’S BEAUTIFUL, MAN!!… HA HA HA HA!!!…. SO BEAUTIFUL!!!
/hard… to type… thru… the tears…. thank you….
(Tom Cruise) IT’S BEAUTIFUL, MAN!!… HA HA HA HA!!!…. SO BEAUTIFUL!!!
/hard… to type… thru… the tears…. thank you….
@ DancingBaptist
Jets didn’t give up a 1 for Braylon. It was a 3 and a 5. I assume you’re talking about draft picks and not bowel movements.
Mark Sanchez and teenage pussy? I know The Dirty goes to pick up chicks in Morristown, NJ… and guys, I know you can get so much hate going on that… Seriously… fucking Morristown.
Wow……. I want to curb stomp a Chargers fan right now. Thanks Drew.
I didn’t much care for all the yelling and swearing.
/goes back to reading Boys Life
Fuck what a way to wake up in the morning.
+ 10.
A few thoughts:
1) If the Jets win it all (Bill Simmons went 0-4 on his picks last week because running the ball and the ability to stop the run are old news) will the NYPD arrest Rex and Ponch for fekking in the streets? Because you KNOW that will happen.
2) Technically Braylon doesn’t suck as much as Williams. The Jets only gave up a ’1′ for that Vagisil for hands douche, whereas JERRAL gave up a 1, a 4 AND a 6 for Roy Williams.
3) I had something else, but got distracted by the JLH picture.
@Killshot
I care because it’s my reputation; i am not a pedophile
Mmmmm, Pussybull.
I’m a little surprised Sexy Rexy wasn’t bitching about Woodson winning DPOY.
Truly LOFTY writing.
@Micah Fuckoff, no one cares.
I sharted. COCKLARIAT INDEED!
@ 85
And don’t forget that Suisham would have had a bounty on him for each one of his toes
Don’t ever change Drew. Don’t you ever goddamn change!
someone manipulated my previous comment while i was fingering infants
micah Says:
January 14th, 2010 at 1:35 pm
original comment —>solid work, but i feel like you just repackaged the Jerry Jones character into Rex Ryan; but like i said: solid 3 out of 5 I am a dipshit who gives posts grades. <— i never said that, i think someone hacked into the ksk comment stream; i stand by my original statement and i like infants dont judge micah
@Ocho Cinco Fan Club: Curse you for beating me to the puberty joke.
Drew, bravo. Beats even the Double J/ Marmalard krossover.
I may end up rooting for the jets throughout the AFC playoffs just so we get more of this.
Just stating again for the record that this is the greatest part of this site. Hands down.
This was the Sgt. Pepper’s of Coach Ryan posts. A masterpiece among masterpieces.
This was great. I think this may have been the ultimate KSKrossover.
Wait a tick…..can you really get a force field if you’re abstinent?
Nah, it’s not worth it. I’d rather fuck.
“And Braylon Edwards, your new nickname is Roy Williams! BECAUSE YOU FUCKING SUCK! ”
Truth.
Abstinence vs. dog sex, Who Ya Got?! Good column.
Braylon Edwards drops more balls than an all-boys middle school.
I have no idea what Buddy Ryan sounds like IRL, but in my head he has the voice of the older neo-Nazi mentor in American History X.
@85: That all assumes that this fictional game would have taken place 20 years ago. By reading the post and (correctly I believe) assuming they would be playing by 2009-10 rules, I would think the Eagles of yesteryear would have gotten all their players ejected before the end of the 1st quarter. There’s just no place in the NFL of today for Buddy Ryan and all that bounty shit.
/fatty mousecave FTW
//needs a pinch more killing for taste
OH man was i waiting for the Buddy Ryan appearance… and it was everything i hoped it would be, but then only to be topped by an appearance by the Laserface himself. I’m sorry but nothing beats a Laserface post, not even the tag-team of ryans.
Am I ready, willing and able to run through a brick wall after this post?
Fuck. And. Yes.
This Broncos fan is pulling for the J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!!!
Wish my boys could get these pep-talks.
With the promise of a surprise, I was expecting Rivers when the first (door flies open) showed up.
@ Ken. Don’t worry if King Laserface was floating bombs at you, there would be enough time for you to move the desk safely out of the way before they landed.
:stands up and applauds:
BRAVO! BRAVO!
Lost my shit at ” And Braylon Edwards, your new nickname is Roy Williams! BECAUSE YOU FUCKING SUCK!”
Then Marmalard showed up.
All I can say is “Thank God I was by myself.” Otherwise that would not have been pretty.
When I tell people about this site, it’s always impossible to describe its genius. What I do is email them links to posts like this. A new reader is born every time I do that.
Thank you Jesus. And Drew. Mostly Jesus though, so King Philip the Laserfaced doesn’t come wreck my desk.
The 1986-90 Eagles would have gotten curb stomped last weekend like the team that won nothing when Buddy Ryan was their head coach. All that talent wasted by a lack of coaching. But nice try though.
Who said anything about winning something? He said they would’ve fucked them up, which is probably true. It would have been illegal, dirty, and resulted in numerous surf and turf dinners, but Romo most likely would have left in a neck brace.
I hate the Cowboys as much as the rest of the educated world, but fucking hell, what I wouldn’t give for Rexy and Jerruh to come together. If there was a new Jerruh and Rex Krossover everyday leading up to the Super Bowl I will gladly root for the Jets and Cowboys. Shit, I just threw up a little.
/wishes Buddy was still the Iggles’ coach
//that team would have fucked the Cowboys up last week
Uh…no. The 1986-90 Eagles would have gotten curb stomped last weekend like the team that won nothing when Buddy Ryan was their head coach. All that talent wasted by a lack of coaching. But nice try though.
These coach Ryan posts get better and better. One of us is going to laugh until we have an explosive nosebleed. You might want to post a waiver absolving you of any deaths that take place after reading one of these posts.
I hope Rex Ryan makes the team read this post before the game.
“surprises after the jump” has to be the best tag.
Pretty much the only reason I looked, actually
floaty abstinence
lost my shit right there
MASSIVE BLACK COCKLARIAT
lost my shit AGAIN!!
they will be swathed in the long underwear of our Lord! I’LL SEE YOUR ASS ON SUNDAY! THE DAY OF OUR MARMALARD!
that one sent me over the top.
Good fucking god Drew!! I don’t think you can get any better than this.
It is impossible for Marmalard to bust through the door without me laughing. On the inside of course.
Oh man, we were a Double J appearance away from blowing up the internet.
solid work, but i feel like you just repackaged the Jerry Jones character into Rex Ryan; but like i said: solid 3 out of 5
I am a dipshit who gives posts grades.
I’ll admit it, I jizzed in my pants when Marmalard showed up.
Giggity giggity, JETS JETS JETS!
So disturbed that I get fired up by these posts.
Well done.