Yesterday, Jay Glazer reported that Chan Gailey would be named the Bills head coach within 24 to 48 hours. Jay Glazer is NEVER wrong, and so it has come to pass. Gailey is expected to be announced as the Bills head coach at 2PM today. Also, the Bills have a GM named Buddy. I did not know that. I didn’t think it was legal to put people named Buddy in charge of anything in this country. Seems like that would be a sensible restriction.
After all Bills fans have been through – Jauron, Mularkey, Berman’s adoration – this Gailey hiring is perhaps the final insult. And so we at KSK have collected, as a way of cathartic release, heartfelt sentiments from Bills fans the world over regarding this massive turdbomb of a hiring. Here now are the words of the Bills faithful:
In your post, you used the word God. That’s an entity in which I no longer believe. The fucking brain trust that runs this shithole of an organization is so fucking inept its pathetic. We just hired a fucking geriatric that sounds as if he should be the secretary/treasurer at the Spartanburg Klan rally. Wade Phillips coached this team for three years. They went to the playoffs the first two years, and 8-8 the last season. He was then fired. Those are the good old days for us now. Fuck me.
Fans of other teams really REALLY do not understand how bad the management of this team are fucking with us fans. Our owner cancelled his OWN halftime celebration earlier this season to celebrate him going into the Hall of Fame. For those who have forgotten, that was the legendarily embarrassing 6-3 loss to the Browns when they still hated their Fat Fuck of a coach. He said he wanted to throw money at a new coach, since we fired Dick Jauron. In November! We did that to get a head start, and instead we got Mike Shanahan leveraging us to get to the Redskins and Bill Cowher deciding he would rather push prop buttons firing up Dan Marino’s dildo and smile blankly while Shannon Sharpe speaks like a mute with marbles in his mouth.
I don’t really know what to say. I don’t have the energy to fight it anymore. It fucking sucks to be a Bills fan. Fuck you Ralph Wilson. Seriously. Fuck you. You are the biggest piece of shit cunt owner in football. GET US A REAL FUCKING COACH, NOT SOME WASHED UP COCKSUCKER LIKE CHAN FUCKING GAILEY.
I’ve put up with a lot of shit from the Bills. The four consecutive Super Bowl losses. The team’s last playoff game ending with them giving up a last-second lateral TD on a kickoff return. The shame that the franchise’s most famous player is OJ Simpson. The ten-year playoff drought. The fact that the team averages 1-2 all-time heartbreaking/choke losses PER SEASON. We even had a corpse/vampire for coach the last four years. Now, however, you’ve really outdone yourselves. Chan Gailey. Are you shitting me? You might as well have hired Charlie Manson. On second thought, Manson has shown prior leadership capabilities, so you probably would’ve passed on him, too.
I honestly have nothing insightful to say. Nothing witty. Words are failing me right now.
How many other NFL teams could sell-out despite such lackluster performances? How many other fans bases continually rally around and go crazy for this abortion of a franchise? And for what? Chan Gailey? Blue collar upstate New Yorkers spend how much money on this team, only to be rewarded with this shit year after year? If it wasn’t for the rabid fan base, this team would already be in Toronto or LA, and how do they get repaid? Chan Gailey. Maybe this is just a way to get all of us Bills fans to stop showing up so Ralphie can move the team. I don’t know. The only thing I can look forward to at this point as a Bills fan is… Jimmy Clausen? Shoot me right in the fucking face.
The only people who I may feel worse for than Bills fans are the Bills players themselves. There is some real talent on that team. Despite tons of injuries, they were quietly the 2nd ranked pass defense in the league and they have a good core of solid young players. These guys will never be all star caliber players without the development they will not receive in Buffalo. Sometimes, I take solace in the fact that some of my favorite Bills players are making names for themselves on real teams (here’s looking at you Winfield), because they had little chance in Buffalo.
I will always love this team, but Ralph Wilson tries real hard to stop me.
I have Stockholm Syndrome something awful. No matter how many times this team bends me over and fucks me in the ass with a strap-on made of sandpaper, razor wire, and broken dreams, I still come back again, walking funny but smiling, thinking this time will be different.
It’s like I’m trapped in an abusive relationship; I don’t want it to continue, but I don’t have anywhere else to fucking go. Rooting for the Bills doesn’t even feel fucking remotely rational anymore. Even with the sarcastic, cynical, “ah, they fucked up another game, saw that coming! let’s get drunker” attitude, pulling for this team is a psychological mind-fuck and I’m fucking sick of it. I actually let myself harbor some fucking hope that things might change. They landed a GM with a decent draft history (ok, maybe it wasn’t HIS drafting, but he was in the room!)… Ralph apparently finally wanted to spend money (even if nobody wanted to take it)… something had to change, right?
What can I do? I can’t bring myself to hope for a relocation. Much as I’d love to be rid of Ralph and his merry band of ass-reaming fucktards, where the fuck am I going to go? This is the team that I worshipped as a kid, that gave me countless memories on Sunday with my dad (and usually my whole family), who I stuck with through four Super Bowl losses and a lifetime of not-quites and flat-out-fails, even when I’ve lived far from upstate NY and had to scrounge up a friend or a bar who had the game on. Every other team in the league is the enemy, and has been for over two decades, as long as I can fucking remember.
I can’t switch loyalties. And there’s no way I’ll be able to root for the team if they do move somewhere else. And I have two decades of evidence that strongly suggests that they’re NEVER GOING TO BE GOOD EVER. So apparently I’m doomed to either be a fan of a shitty team for all eternity, or to watch my team turn into the Los Angeles ClusterFuckers and become one of those soulless wretches wandering the NFL landscape, meandering from game to game and team to team, offering vacuous statements like “I just like the NFL, you see” and “I don’t really have a team.”
Fuck it, I don’t fucking care. I’m going to get high and forget about this shit. Over the next six month, I’ll watch, half-disinterested, to see what mentally-challenged coaches they add to the staff, and I’m sure I’ll keep current on the list of has-beens, never-weres, and ain’t-never-gonna-bes that they’ll add to the roster between now and August. And then the pain will start anew. And the fucking wheel in the fucking sky will just keep on motherfucking turning.
NO OTHER TEAM WAS EVEN IN THE MARKET this offseason. It’s like the car dealership just closed its gates to everyone except us. We’re ecstatic that the wheezing and woefully inadequate Jauronmobile finally collapsed under its own anorexic mediocrity. Sure, we got a bit scared when the Seahawks crashed our little private party. HOW LUCKY FOR US, though, that they saw a bombed-out Yugo sitting on USC’s front yard and bought that instead.
Alone again, and instead of picking the 7-series or the SLK, we found ourselves shelling out for a PLYMOUTH FUCKING HORIZON. A car that goes 40 with the wind, if you believe Lewis Black.
Instead of picking Frazier, who coaches one of the best defenses in the league… we picked a coach that the Chiefs — THE CHIEFS — deemed unacceptable. THE FUCKING CHIEFS. Chan Gailey was not fit to serve in the 23rd-ranked offense in the NFL, but he is more than qualified to coach my hapless Bills because he has head coaching experience.
Ralph Wilson doesn’t want the job done right, he just wants it done fast, so he can fucking die already and laugh at us all from his Mauso-Palooza (it can be seen from space!), atop the rubble of our once-proud franchise.
Last night, I was complaining that my team was going to hire Norv Turner after he gets shitcanned at the end of the season.
Instead, they hire someone who leaves me WISHING for Norv Turner.
FUCK RALPH WILSON, FUCK DAN MARINO, FUCK TOM BRADY, BELICHICK, PARCELLS, JOE GIBBS, FRANK WYCHECK, WADE PHILLIPS, GREGG JOHNSON, MIKE MULARKEY, DREW BLEDSOE, JIMMY JOHNSON, MICHAEL “STABBY” IRVIN, TERRELL OWENS, BEAST MODE, DICK JAURON, ROB JOHNSON, TODD COLLINS, J.P. LOSMAN, THE STEELERS IN 2004 WHEN THE BILLS HAD A CHANCE TO MAKE THE PLAYOFFS THE ONLY TIME IN THE DECADE, ET. AL.
I am done. Go Bills. Please tell me it’s April 1st and Chan Gailey is an April Fools’ Joke. Or a dick joke. Or a good poop story. PLEASE.
Chan Gailey?!?! Chan Mother-fucking Gailey? The architect behind the 2-14 Chiefs offense? The guy that Todd Haley found too incompetent and relieved him of his duties? Did bathroom mildew turn the Bills down for an interview too? I didn’t think they could find someone worse that Jauron…. Ralph Wilson has proven me wrong.
How in the fuck do you go from chasing Shanahan, Cowher, Schottenheimer and Frazier to hiring this retard? And can someone explain to me why the meetings had to be stealthy and secret? It’s not like anybody else wants him. I guess it was just a nice little stealthy fuck you to an already tourtured fan base. I really hope the corpse of Ralph Wilson made this deal because if not, apparently Buddy Nix sucks a dick as well…..now where did I put my gun…..
From his Wikipedia page, because I’d never fucking heard of him:
“…he never defeated Tech’s biggest rival, the University of Georgia, never won the ACC, never went to a BCS bowl, never won more than 9 games, and never finished in the top 25.”
While this move makes me want to take all four pens on my desk and jab them in various arteries, at least he might possibly, just possibly, finish in the top 25 in the NFL, so long as the Lions and Chiefs don’t improve. Top 25 would be good, right? Shit.
The Bills are a chicken shit organization from the top down. Ralph Wilson is Al Davis with less blood drinking and mind bending press conferences. Whenever mentioned on the WWL or in other mainstream sports media, people always go out of their way to say that Ralph Wilson is a “great owner”. Clearly they haven’t been paying attention, because I’m searching for reasons as to why he’s so great. The guy is a fucking senile old coot whose primary criteria for judging coaching candidates is that he’s heard of them.
This team is fucking dogshit.
They’re going to get bought by some fucking dongbag from LA where people at the game will just talk about the Lakers. It’s just another fucking bullshit move by an irrelevant team that has no one to blame but themselves for their problems. Wade Phillips was our best coach in the past 15 years. Think about how much that sucks. I’m going to go drink a bottle of gin and break the bottle over my own head, hopefully when I wake up I’ll discover that this is just an elaborate joke that Jay Glazer came up with while he was sticking his head in the Springfield Bowlarama’s Shine-o-Ball-o. Fuck you, Bills. Fuck you for giving an already thoroughly shit-upon city another reason to be depressed. Go Sabres.
Ralph Wilson needs to die.
What did Ralph Wilson just get inaugurated into the Pro Football Hall of Fame for again?
The only thing he’s ever done well as owner of the Bills is making a personal profit from it. If Wilson were running a corporation, his diaper covered ass would get thrown in jail for embezzlement. The bastard actually had the nerve to say this fall that he was offended by all the speculation that he wouldn’t pay top dollar for a head coach. Of course, I’m sure his age riddled brain has forgotten ever saying that, but his cheapness is his defining characteristic as an NFL owner. He’s so pathetically greedy that he fired Bill Polian after the man built the early 90′s Bills from scratch. The worst part about being a Bills fan is seeing the Colts year-after-year success and knowing that it could be us in that same position, if not for Ralph Wilson. Just die already. And god bless the estate tax, so his money-grubbing worthless offspring won’t get to inherit this disgrace of a team.
You’d think a 132-year-old with ears that go down to his fucking shoulders would be able to listen to not only the fans — but every goddamn fucking football expert in America. Nowhere, anywhere — even in Gailey’s own fucking house — did someone say: “Let’s hire Chan Gailey.” He’s surrounded himself with paste eating retards that have no business getting their filthy retard fingers anywhere near a football team.
Let’s say there’s this bar. It’s not the fanciest bar, but it’s got history. It’s what you know, what you keep going back to. Unfortunately, the bar is owned by, well, let’s not kid ourselves, the Worst Human Being in the World. This wasn’t always a problem. The bar was once quite successful. You went to the bar often. Like everyone else you went there to get drunk and to get laid. It seemed like year after year you stayed out to the early hours of the morning getting hammered. Yet something always went wrong at the last minute. Your wing man inexplicably loses his hat and goes looking for it just when you need him most. You flub your go-to pick-up line wide right. The girl goes home with a truck full of coke-heads… twice. You don’t understand it. Your friends in other cities, they all go to bars, and each and every one of them has gotten laid, even at the bars employing guys that look like trent dilfer and brad johnson.
The bar gets quiet for several years, you’re no longer a young man. But you’ve had good times, they haven’t gone forever, right? But you are forgetting about the Worst Human Being in the World. Who proceeds to hire the worst bouncers, the worst waitresses, for years on end. But by far the worst hires are the bartenders. There’s the well meaning but inept fatass. Then the douchebag with the giant ego. The kind of guy who spells his name with an added letter, just to be a dick. Followed by the retard and the retread. You’re grasping at straws when you hear they’ve let the retread go. And with so many capable bartenders out of work in this troubled economy. Surely the Worst Human Being in the World will come to terms with one of them. Otherwise, well, you and your friends might just have to burn the bar to cinders and salt the ground it stood upon.
After all, I hear they have great bars in Los Angeles or even, *shudder*, Toronto.
Photoshop via JONNYFUCKINGBLACKBEARD
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.