Revelation No. 7: Simmons Knows Dick. Not only was his team thoroughly manhandled at home by the Ravens (though Joe Flacco finishing with a QB rating of 10 was an amusing touch) but Bill Simmons missed on all four of his Wild Card picks. Possible cosmic retribution for writing this:
Revelation No. 5: If your team blows a chance to go 19-0 because the opposing QB broke free of a sack while his offensive line was having a “who can commit the most blatant holding penalty” contest, then chucks the ball up for grabs, only to have it caught by a backup wide receiver who’s falling backward and traps the ball off the top of his helmet to keep the drive alive, the only way that sequence can be more gut-wrenching is if that receiver never makes another professional football catch.
Or simply the result of more mundane cluelessness. A divisional rivalry actually compelled me to root for New England to win this game, but in consecutive weeks for the Pats to lose to a team with Bernard Pollard on the roster, then one with David Tyree, is about as sweet a coda for a Pats seasons as, well, almost anything.
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The coach for the ravens is the dubmest motherfucker on the face of the earth Joe flacco is the shittiest player in the NFL Troy smith should be the starter and sit flaccos dumbass down.
I clicked on the link to Simmons’ picks column, and I couldn’t even get past the first revelation. The reason for a drop in the home team’s record in playoff games from the 90′s to the 00′s? Could it be that mandated parity via the salary cap has closed the competitive gap, making the home playoff teams not as dominant as they were before? Nah, it’s things like heaters and mist machines and distracted and disinterested fans. Thanks for clearing that up, Bill.
I didn’t even hate Simmons all that much, but his whole thing about picking games and his bogus idea of “Simbotics” really pushed me over the edge in hating this pompous asshole. All he does is write out of his ass.
Tony Kornheiser calls Bob Ryan “the quintessential American sports writer.”
Well I call Simmons the quintessential American douche overachiever.
Fuck his stupid ideas, his stupid ass friends, his fucking dog, and most of him. Fuck you Bill Simmons.
“Can somebody tell this guy he is 41 years old? Jersey Shore references? He defines Peter Pan syndrome.”
He also referenced the movie 48 Hours. Not sure if there was a Teen Wolf or Shawshank made the cut.
… Asante Samuel dropping one that Eli fired between his numbers …
Samuel’s numbers are four feet over his head?
This YouTube video is even funnier now:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvotkfWYSqs&feature=related
Damn, I might actually have to listen to his podcast for once if there’s that much schadenfreude to be had. Does anyone know if all of his buddies actually get paid money to appear on those things? If so, I’d almost have to admire the guy for getting his friends a piece of ESPN’s cash.
Did you guys write Simmons’ script for his podcast today? “The only person on that field that cared was Edelman”. He then throws Brady and Moss under the bus. It is a glorious meltdown.
It’s typical cuntish Simmons behavior to find every lame brained, bullshit thing to whine about on the Tyree catch over the years while ignoring the fact that Asante Samuel dropping one that Eli fired between his numbers was at least equally as important.
Keep crying, cocksnorkler. Your tears are like sunshine and the laughter of children to we non-Massholes.
“At least the Eagles didn’t bother to string along their fans until the NFC Title Game this year. That’s kind of nice of them.”
Agreed
(Eagles fan)
I don’t dispute that, Ape. But to say that Simmons never admits error is pretty unfair; I’d put him around the 95th percentile at tWWL in doing such. I grant that this is not terribly high praise.
“Look at this year’s MVP candidates: Rivers, Manning, Brees, Favre, Brady. All quarterbacks.”
“Who was talking about Brady as an MVP candidate? Anyone besides Pats fans?”
Brady is ALWAYS an MVP candidate. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
Oh please, please tell me we will hear from Tawmy today.
“I finished the 2000s having gained surprisingly little gambling acumen about the National Football League. In fact, I think I got worse. My picks became so shaky…”
Yes, but he also dedicated quite a bit of column space earlier in the season to his incredible hot streak at picking games.
jackin’4beats: “But Simmons is always wrong even if he won’t ever admit it on his site.”
Literally the first words in the article that spawned this one were:
“I finished the 2000s having gained surprisingly little gambling acumen about the National Football League. In fact, I think I got worse. My picks became so shaky…”
Seriously, I hate Pats douchedom as much as the next guy, but did you even read the article? Do you read any of them before making complaints that are boneheadedly wrong?
At least McNabb had a pre-game jig.
Donovan McNabb means “Brown-black son of the abbot” in Gaelic, so it’s fitting that he has his own jig.
“If Peter King is the Sarah Palin of sportswriters, Simmons is Trig.”
Gee, that’s hilarious – pure comedy gold, Jerry!
you mean someone on the internet claims to be an expert on something but is really an obnoxious jackass? I’m shocked, shocked i say
what the hell is jersey Shore? Fuck you Simmons for making me feel old.
At least McNabb had a pre-game jig.
Saddest taunt ever.
At least the Eagles didn’t bother to string along their fans until the NFC Title Game this year. That’s kind of nice of them.
But Simmons is always wrong even if he won’t ever admit it on his site.
/prick
“the thing that surprises me is that your fellow fans admitted that as much as they hate the Ravens, they hate the Pats even more and actually lowered themselves to support the Ravens in the game. Some of them even retched at doing so…”
I didn’t. as much as I hate the pats I couldn’t bring myself to do it, sure it was sweet to see brady in near tears and getting thrown to the turf in the final minutes but hearing kelley washington talk shit to the fans at the end made me want to puke. fuck pulling for a divisional rival, in any circumstances. you could have put my dick in shotgun for the raven’s and it would have had a better qb rating than fucking bert
the worst part is now that play the colts who if they wouldn’t have given pey pey his precious days of rest would have let the steelers into the playoffs, even though they had no business anyway. so another week of do i want to shoot myself in the head or slit my wrists. I suppose ravens choking in the afc playoff game would do fine by me
It’s funny because McNabb put more thought into his gay pregame jig on Saturday than being a QB.
At least McNabb had a pre-game jig.
Roethlisberger was home watching that game.
Or maybe, waiting for his “TV to be fixed”.
/Thanks for the memories, Donovan.
@TheDerridaDrop
I am all for crushing Simmons, but what typo?
Not unlike Roethlisberger overthinking…..er, well….who are we kidding?
It’s funny because McNabb put more thought into his gay pregame jig on Saturday than being a QB.
Who knew Fredo Simmons was the offspring of a cartoon character?
Worst performance of Wildcard Weekend-Senile Nascar Guy, Ol’Extra Leg Joint, or Fredo Simmons?
@justin tuck destroys dreams
Your Zaputer reference made my morning.
God I hate him. Makes me sad that Ronald Jenkees does his opening music.
Simmons definitely overthought his picks for this weekend.
Not unlike Roethlisberger overthinking…..er, well….who are we kidding?
@Mike D
Most crushed EVAH. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
Tommy from Quinzee must be wicked crushed
By the way, nice jersey asshole. Your millionaire ass can’t afford an authentic Randy Dahkie jersey?
Simmons makes Joe Morgan sound like Vin Scully. I honestly doubt that he knows anything about any sport currently played in the US. Yet another reason why tWWL is off my favorites list.
I blame this loss on Ape rooting for the Pats. Thanks a lot you cat lover.
/haven’t had my coffee yet ugh
@Ape
I have no doubt that you would have been right if the Ravens had lost, but the thing that surprises me is that your fellow fans admitted that as much as they hate the Ravens, they hate the Pats even more and actually lowered themselves to support the Ravens in the game. Some of them even retched at doing so…
/Still happy
//Hoping that Tawwmmmy makes an appearance
//Really hoping that Manning the Elder is too rusty to rip us apart… yeah, right…
What a shame that his columns don’t allow comments. Even though every single one telling him he sucks would be purged from existence it would still be nice for thousands of people to tell him he is a crybaby for a few seconds would be nice.
Bill Simmons thrives for the same reason as reality shows. He exists just to reassure people that there is someone out there more incompetent than they are.
Of course, if his mailbag is any indication, most of his loyal readers are stuck in a perpetual frat boy adolescence rife with 80′s pop-culture references and there is nary an original thought to be found anyway. That, and I guess there are some strange people that enjoy his constant bitching about David Tyree and his wistful recollections of Dave Roberts’ stolen base.
Man, fuck Bill Simmons. Fuck him up and down and on his motherfucking face. Beat him with a closet stick until he begs for motherfucking mercy…and then kick his dog. If Peter King is the Sarah Palin of sportswriters, Simmons is Trig.
Also, just for fun:
January 9th, 2009:
The NFL didn’t start having them until January 2002, the month when the Raiders traveled to New England for the “Snow Game” (what Pats fans call it) or “Tuck Rule Game” (what Oakland fans call it).
January 8th, 2010:
Starting with the “Snow Game” (what Patriots fans call “The Tuck Rule Game”)
Typo? Or AFFRONT TO THE BOSTON FOOTBALL GODS
Oh, good, I thought I was the only one reading Simmons’ column who was trying to supress a FUCK YOU YOU DICK-STOMPING MASSHOLE TWATWAFFLE when the Jets won.
@Upstate Underdog
aka “The Drew Magary Strategy.”
That guy in the picture has the right idea. I’d wear a disguise too if I had to be seen in public with Simmons.
It’s cool that Mark Twain still has friends.
Actually, Mark Twain there is Simmons’ father. I guess the gene for writing talent skips a generation.
Simmons sucks, all he had to do was pick all the home teams and he would have gone 2 for 4.
In fairness, the Mike of Mike and Mike that is not Mike Golic also went 0-4. So, at least Simmons is in really good company… right?
I agree.
Blogger vs Blogger < Spy vs Spy
/blue type
Clearly it’s not Bill’s fault. His picks were BRILLIANT. It was his stupid readers’ fault for agreeing with him.
A rational Pats fan would have known that the team had played like shit all season and the Ravens exposed every one of their faults. A suspect secondary that can’t make the most basic of tackles? Exposed. A turnstile of an offensive line? Exposed. Awful playcalling by a puppet of an offensive coordinator? Exposed. Brady making awful throws because he is ‘running’ for his life? Exposed. An overreliance on WELKAH? Exposed.
I was more disappointed than shocked by what happened Sunday, and I will smack any other fan who believes otherwise.
Breaking news is that Urban Meyer has been caught with his jorts down, sleeping with a 23-year-old student.
No word on whether it’s Tebow.
Exciting!
Simmons is such a fucking idiot. Besides being a blowhard he knows jack shit about Football.
I’ve watched the catch like it’s the Zapruder film. there was not even one missed holding call. Sure, there are O-line guys following Pats defenders around trying to block them out of Eli’s path like cops chasing robbers which it out of the norm just like everything else about the play but perfectly fucking legal. there is not one instance where a Giant’s defender grabs another player to slow him down and impede his progress.
Few things in this world are more satisfying than Boston teams losing. One of those things is seeing the immature reaction of Boston fans.
As for Simmons, well, he can stick to working the Celtics’ shaft for the next few months and leave us football fans the fuck alone.
Reading him bash Rex Ryan extensively for saying running and defense wins in January, then watching the Pats get obliterated by a team whose quarterback threw for 34 yards, poetry. Eat a dick Simmons.
Can somebody tell this guy he is 41 years old? Jersey Shore references? He defines Peter Pan syndrome.
Reading Simmons’ “manifesto” and I had to do a double take on this line:
“Look at this year’s MVP candidates: Rivers, Manning, Brees, Favre, Brady. All quarterbacks.”
Who was talking about Brady as an MVP candidate? Anyone besides Pats fans?
Dear B.S.,
The Giants won Super Bowl XLII. Get over it you stupid cunt.
DIAF,
OCFC
@Evil Trout
Simmons knows considerably less about basketball than he leads people to believe.
If you’re Simmons, when youre wrong everybody notices, when you’re right, wait…what?
/wants Bernard Pollard on the Jets
//torn ACLs twice a year
///he hears screams
To be fair, he was right that home field advantage is not that important anymore. He just picked the wrong two road dogs.
Simmons doesn’t know shit about any sport that isn’t basketball.
@Bobafet7:
This point cannot be overstated. Simmons’ column this week wasn’t just picks, it was another of his “manifestos” in which he deigns to share his accrued football wisdom with us simpletons.
The problem with Simmons billing himself as “the ESPN writer who’s just a fan” is that his “manifestos” are just as self-righteously brainless as those spewed by your average sports-bar wino.
Fuck the Pats and fuck that dough-faced mongoloid.
Not only was he 0-4, The exact opposite of every point he made happened.
If he keeps trying to pick games after this, and doing so with any authority at all, he will be dead to me.
It’s cool that Mark Twain still has friends.
Baltimore losing to the Irsays again is an okay consolation prize.
I wasn’t aggressive about New England winning until the Pats recovered that fumbled punt. If the Pats had gone on to win, the whiny fuckstick Ravens fans would have unleashed referee conspiracy rants the likes of which would have put Monkey Business comments to shame in terms of sheer idiocy and obnoxiousness. All because John Harbaugh was too retarded to challenge the call.
No wonder Simmons didn’t want to anyone to see pics of his wife.
Cosmic retribution indeed. That’s gotta hurt. Flubby could be right, the Pats look DONE.
And fuck rooting for New England. As a Steelers fan, this game tested how much I hated each team. And the winner is New England in a landslide.
/actually respects Baltimore’s organization
//feels shame