12.15.09
YOU FACKS AHHH NAWT THE TRUE 16-0 TEAM!
Well, well, well! You faackin’ quee-ahs from Indy and New Ahhhhhhlins think you have some pretty great teams, don’t yah? You think that, perhaps, you have the greatest fackin’ teams in the history of the NFL. Well, let me tell you a fackin’ starry ABOUT THE GREATEST FACKIN’ TEAM EVAH, OW-AH BELOVED 2007 FOOTBALL CELTICS!
(sits on chair backwards, drinks Mickey’s)
Do you people really think your-ah little faggot teams would have stood a chance against the 2007 Pats jugguhnut?! BAHAHAHAHAHA! Don’t make me laugh! Everyone knows the 2007 offseason Red Sawx were-ah the greatest team EVAH! NO ONE DENIES THIS! Brady. Mawss. Bruschi. WELKAHHHHHH!!! Who do you have to stack up against THAT? Reggie fackin’ Wayne? Pierre FAGGOT? Don’t get wrawng, I LOVE Awstin Collie, and I look farwahhhd to the day he signs with us, HIS RIGHTFUL TEAM! OTHAH TEAMS AHHHH MERELY A FAHHHM SYSTEM FAR US! Belichick knew this was a throwaway yee-ah! That’s why he traded Seymour-ah! Every trade we have ever made has been a brilliant heist! CHECKAHMATE, YOU FACKIN’ CAWKSACKAHS!
(puts on weight belt as dress accessory)
Oh, how good was that 2007 team! YOU HAD TO LOVE THEM! I remember watching them play like it was yestahday! They loved winning far us, AND WE EXPECTED PERFECTION OUT OF THEM! No othah town could pawssibly undahstand that kind of connection! No othah town has had a team go 16-0! Only we know what that’s like, and that’s why it means more-ah to us! We love sparts so much, we don’t even fawllow them anymore-ah!
(turns hat backwards, then forwards, then backwards again)
That’s the difference between ow-ah Pats and your-ah piddly shit Pats and Coolts! You do nawt have the powah of the LEGENDARY BAWSTON FANS ON YOUR-AH SIDE! And that will cawst you! In fact, I already made a bet with my buddy HouseO that you would both lose before-ah all was said and done! THUS THE PATS LEGACY WILL BE STILL BE SECURE-AH!
(opens champagne)
You see this champagne? I bought this bawx of Cook’s special from the facking’ Sikh cunt runnin’ the packy store-ah! And I will pop this bubbly whenevah the Saints and Colts both go down, WHICH THEY WILL! And then I will drink a toast in fawnd remembrance of the GREATEST TEAM IN NFL HISTORY!
(phone rings)
Oh, that’s my phone! It must be my friend HouseO! He and I cawll each othah awll the time and make jokes! NO ONE ELSE DOES THIS!
Tommy Sr.: Tawmmy!
Dad! THAT’S MY FACKIN’ DAD! WE HAVE A FAWTHAH-SON BOND THAT’S TIGHT AS SHIT, BECAWSE WE BOTH THINK MY MAWM IS A CUNT!
Tommy Sr.: Tha fack ahhh you doin’?
I’ve gawt this champagne to open when the Saints and Colts lose, Dad! Remembah when we went to that one 2007 Pats game because you gawt free tickets? THAT WAS A SPECIAL TIME AND PEOPLE WOULD IDENTIFY WITH IT!
Tommy Sr.: Oh, champagne! Well, ahhhn’t you a fackin’ rich parson now! Think you’re-ah bettah than yar old man?
It’s nawt like that, Dad! I WANTED TO MAKE FUN OF THOSE FAGGOTS!
Tommy Sr.: You were-ah supposed to go buy me scratch tickets, you little shit! Where-ah ahhh my MASS MILLIONS TICKETS?
I bought this instead.
Tommy Sr.: You little fack! That was my lobstah boat bonus! You know times ahhh tight!
FACK YOU, DAD! I MADE A NICE GESTCHA IN AWNAH OF THE 2007 PATS!
Tommy Sr.: We lawst the Supah Bowl!
NO WE DIDN’T! THE GIANTS GAWT LUCKY! DAVID TYREE IS OUT OF THE LEAGUE! PROOF THAT HIS CATCH WAS NAWT ACTUALLY A CATCH!
Tommy Sr.: Whatevah. I don’t cay-uh. WHY DIDN’T THEO LAND HALLADAY? HE WAS BARN TO BE A RED SAWCK!
Oh, I know! I WILL NEVAH GET OVAH LOSING HALLADAY! NO ONE WILL EVAH UNDAHSTAND OW-AH EXPECTATIONS, ESEPCIALLY FAGGOTS FROM INDY AND DAHHKIE STAHHHM TOWN!
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2010/08/dildos-150x150.jpg)
December 15th, 2009 at 9:51 am
[i]Whatevah. I don’t cay-uh.[/i]
Boston-ite Cutler?
I think the world would explode.
December 15th, 2009 at 9:53 am
Oh god… dahhhkie stahhhm town. new low.
/got the biggest laugh
//going to hell
December 15th, 2009 at 9:55 am
I’d say that Slate article is condescending, but that’s redundant. So I’ll just say : That’s a Slate article.
December 15th, 2009 at 9:57 am
Tommy AND Tommy Sr.? checkahmate, indeed.
December 15th, 2009 at 10:00 am
Halladay went to the National League becawse he wants to pad his stats in AAAA. I like basebawl so much I don’t follow the NL. As fahh as I’m concerned, Halladay is retired, and the Sawx are going to make the playoffs at 9-7. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
/breaks open 50 break-open tickets on convenience store checkout while people wait behind me
//buys 50 more break-opens
///spits into two-day Dunkin Donuts cup
December 15th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Even given the dominance of Boston’s teams this decade, I’m not sure I experienced more pleasure than anguish as a sports fan in the aughts.
Wow. The level of douchiness is off the charts.
December 15th, 2009 at 10:06 am
@ Brian
To be a full on Slate article, it would have had to make make some contrarian BS argument about how NOT being a sports fan actually makes him the most hardcore sports fan of all.
December 15th, 2009 at 10:11 am
So, Super Bowl XLIV, South Florida: Colts vs. Saints. Colts come out of the tunnel to “Rock You Like A Hurricane”.
Most awkward moment in history?
December 15th, 2009 at 10:14 am
Perfect Storm’d
December 15th, 2009 at 10:15 am
That Slate article could only be written by a Boston fan. NO ONE DENIED THIS!
December 15th, 2009 at 10:19 am
Stampede Blue thought this caricature was very accurate and fair.
/then they ordered six pizza fries and kept going on about the Colts “record” 22 straight wins, even though that streak ignores a playoff loss.
December 15th, 2009 at 10:20 am
The best thing about Boston is that they will all die of AIDS.
December 15th, 2009 at 10:27 am
The sad part is, this is accurate and fair.
December 15th, 2009 at 10:29 am
Football Celtics got me early on. It’s still less annoying than “New York Football Giants.” The Giants have now been in San Francisco longer than they were ever in New York, Berman. You dumb fucking skidmark.
December 15th, 2009 at 10:31 am
Pizza fries?
And when your team wins 22 straight regular season games, we’ll call it even.
/well aware of the irony of a record regular season win streak being broken up by a first round playoff exit.
//fucking hates the Chargers
December 15th, 2009 at 10:34 am
DAVID TYREE IS OUT OF THE LEAGUE! PROOF THAT HIS CATCH WAS NAWT ACTUALLY A CATCH!
Bill Simmons sees no problem with this reasoning.
December 15th, 2009 at 10:37 am
Better watch out, Ape, the boys at Pats Pulpit might pull a Stampede Blue and cry about it
/the Colts fan base mimics their whiny team perfectly
December 15th, 2009 at 10:44 am
And when your team wins 22 straight regular season games, we’ll call it even.
Now that’s a boast. How could I possibly counter?
/glances at six Lombardi trophies
I guess you got me.
//also the Indy Colts are 0-3 vs. Steelers in the playoffs
Can we call it even yet?
December 15th, 2009 at 10:48 am
David Tyree is actually playing for the Ravens.
Also, fuck the Colts. I rode Peyton Manning, Dallas Clark and Reggie Wayne to first place in my fantasy league. Now when the playoffs begin, they are going to sit. GO LOSE IN THE FIRST ROUND AND THEN GET CANCER!
Also, if Eli Manning hires prostitutes, it’s only to tuck him in at night.
December 15th, 2009 at 10:53 am
Never been to Boston, what is “Mickey’s? Cheap shit beer? Malt Liqour?
December 15th, 2009 at 10:54 am
David Tyree is currently slumming it on the Ravens special teams. Even with our pathetic recieving core (aside from Mason) he can’t get in on offense. He’s not quite out of the league yet… sorry Tommy, 18-1.
December 15th, 2009 at 10:56 am
Ryno, malt liquor
December 15th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Mickey’s from Wiki:
Mickey’s is a malt liquor made by the Miller Brewing Company. It has an alcohol content of 5.6% by volume.
Mickey’s is widely known for its unique beehive-shaped, wide-mouthed 12 ounce bottle, often called a “grenade” due to its circular waffle design. The original packaging included Irish iconography with shamrocks, castle towers and an arm holding a mace. Current packaging is more neutral, but still green, with an illustrated hornet icon on the cap. The wide mouthed bottles are known for having rebus puzzles under the cap. Recently, Mickey’s has served as a sponsor of the Ultimate Fighting Championship, using the tagline, “Get Stung” and has featured several UFC fighters on 24 ounce cans. Mickey’s is also available in 16, 22, and 40 ounce sizes.
The PERFECT beverage for Boston.
December 15th, 2009 at 10:58 am
There’s also the issue of return on my investment.
It’s fucking entertainment you cocksucking motherfucker. I hope you’ve also given up watching television, going to the movies and everything else short of auto-erotic asphyxiation sine they have even less return.
December 15th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Does Pierre FAGGOT refer to Pierre Garcon or Pierre Thomas? So many undefeated Frenchies for Tawmmy to hate!
December 15th, 2009 at 11:00 am
Tommy is not going to be happy that Theo brought in a Dahhhhh-ky to play LF for them.
December 15th, 2009 at 11:07 am
Excellent as always. As a fohmah New Englandah, I relish Tawmmy’s appearances.
/just packy, not packy store-ah
December 15th, 2009 at 11:13 am
“I happened upon the ninth inning of Game 3 between the Red Sox and the Angels and watched as Jonathan Papelbon imploded, giving up the go-ahead run and the series…This time around, while I empathized with the crestfallen Fenway faithful, I felt a long way away from those die-hard fans. It was a liberating feeling, not to care. I went and read a book.”
FACK YOU YOU SELF-IMPAHTANT SLATE FAGGOT! BAWSTON DOES NAWT NEED TWO-FACED QUEEAHS WHO ONLY DREAM OF BEING BILLY FACKIN SIMMONS GIVING US THE FACKIN DONNIE AHSILLO PLAY-BY-PLAY ABOUT HOW THEY WENT FROM BAWSTIN FAITHFUL TO FACKIN LAW-DEE-DAW CAWCK SMOKAH OVAH THE CO-AHSE OF THE GREATEST DECADE IN SPAHHTS HISTORY, THE FACKIN BAWSTIN EAR-AH! YOU LAWST THE LOVE BECAUSE YOU IDENTIFIED WITH FAILYAH AND COULDN’T DEAL WITH SUCCESS THE WAY TRUE BAWSTINITES HANDLE THEY-ER-AH SHIT!
(pops his McHale throwback with his thumbs)
LAW-DEE-DAW, YOU FACKIN FACK! LAW-DEE-DAW! GO READ YAH FACKIN OPRAH SELECTION!
December 15th, 2009 at 11:15 am
Lived in Boston all my life…never heard of Mickey’s. Natty Light is more appropriate, maybe Haffenreffer.
December 15th, 2009 at 11:15 am
Pizza fries?
And when your team wins 22 straight regular season games, we’ll call it even.
I HATE pizza fries! I prefer chili fries with 6 cheese topping. So unrealistic with your caricature of Indy. By the way, we won 114 games this decade. I think that solves the question of “Team of the Decade”.
/fuck the Colts
December 15th, 2009 at 11:21 am
If this were truly accurate, there would be no mention of the Saints, whatsoever.
December 15th, 2009 at 11:22 am
@Christmas Ape
Never heard of pizza fries. Didn’t even know they existed until earlier.
And two of those losses were crap. KORDELL WAS THREE FEET OUT OF BOUNDS. AND NICK HARPER GOT STABBED IN THE LEG.
Goddammit I hate the Steelers.
December 15th, 2009 at 11:22 am
No way in hell does Tawmmy know what a Sikh is. Other than that, I always love the Tawmmy posts.
December 15th, 2009 at 11:23 am
@monkey business
I never realized how annoying you really are. jesus, not only are your attempts at humor very, very lame, but your just such a douchebag on top of that.
December 15th, 2009 at 11:26 am
What? His comedy kills at the Laugh Factory in Indianapolis.
December 15th, 2009 at 11:31 am
monkey business as a fellow colts fan, shut the hell up. please stop being our tawmmy.
December 15th, 2009 at 11:40 am
I’m unable to read this post comprehensively. I went to babelfish and, unfortunately, there wasn’t a “Douchbag to English” option.
December 15th, 2009 at 11:55 am
“DAHHKIE STAHHHM TOWN! ” <3 <3 <3. I dont care if you guys post nothing for the rest of the day, this will loop in my head all day and never stop causing the lols.
December 15th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
How has no one mentioned the biggest dick-move announced in the slate article? Sure its a travesty for all the reasons previously mentioned, but this guy gave up on two different fantasy baseball teams in the middle of the season. So not only did her turn into a total douche for the article, he fahked ovah two leagues worth a friends/people in the middle of the season.
That is more unforgivable than just being an insufferable prick
December 15th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
As usual the Tawwmy post was tawp nawtch. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry with the dahhkie stahhm town reference but all I can say is WOW.
And forgive me for never reading Slate before, but are they just pretentious queers at that magazine? I don’t think I could consistently read that shit if it was my job and someone was paying me to comment on it. Listening to that podcast was painfully gay as well.
/hates agreeing with Steelers fans but Ape has a point
//you can’t compare 22 regular season wins to 6 Super Bowls
December 15th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
+ 1 million for that picture of Tawmmy Sr.
And men who don’t like or have given up sports are almost invariably pretentious assholes.
December 15th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
In all honesty, if I had to pick a team, I’d rather have the 2009 Saints than the 2007 Pats. The Pat’s offense got up quick which forced opposing teams to throw, allowing the Pats D a greater advantage in calling plays. The Saints offense is almost as potent, but with a hell of a lot more balance and a highly ranked defense that doesn’t need to rely on the offense to help them win games, even as beat up as it is.
December 15th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
“And two of those losses were crap. KORDELL WAS THREE FEET OUT OF BOUNDS. AND NICK HARPER GOT STABBED IN THE LEG.”
THE COLTS ARE THE MOST CURSED TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS!
Bitter Maryland resident/
Praying for the entire Irsay family to get dengue fever
December 15th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Porky 1, well said sir.
December 15th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
That Slate article made me throw up. I’ve seen pretentious crap before, and that article ranks in the Top 5 of most pretentious crap ever. It just screamed “Hey, you don’t need sports in your life. Go read a book, you neanderthals. I did it and I’m a better person for it.”
How about no. And don’t even get me started on the disturbing comments as well.
December 15th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
What? His comedy kills at the Laugh Factory in Indianapolis.
“Hey, y’all ever notice that a Lutheran drives a car like this, while a Methodist drives a car like this?”
December 15th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
No way in hell does Tawmmy know what a Sikh is. Other than that, I always love the Tawmmy posts.
I noticed that, too. Tawmmy seems like the kind of guy who would patriotically jump a Sikh in an alley because he saw the beard and turban and thought the guy was a Muslim terrorist.
December 15th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
This is completely unrealistic.
There is no possible way Tawmmy knows who his father is. His father would either be in jail, for distributing meth, in the hospital, for either OD’ing on meth or for blowing himself up while making meth, or dead.
December 15th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
@ Tracer Bullet:
New York Giants – 1883-1957 74 years
San Fransisco Giants – 1958-2009 51 years
So um, no. But point well taken. I can’t wait for the last of the NY Giant and Brooklyn Dodgers fans die off so I don’t have to hear about those teams ever again.
December 15th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
His dad wouldn’t be a lobster trapper or whatever, he’d be a unionized public employee with unbelievable benefits and no responsibility.
Other than that, perfect.
December 15th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
“Dad! THAT’S MY FACKIN’ DAD! WE HAVE A FAWTHAH-SON BOND THAT’S TIGHT AS SHIT, BECAWSE WE BOTH THINK MY MAWM IS A CUNT!”
No one has ever explained Bill Simmons so well in so few words.
December 15th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
+10 internets, porky1.
December 15th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
In terms of getting the accent correct, I’d go with something like “New Ahhleens” over “New Ahhlins.” Definitely a long “e” sound in the second syllable in these here parts.
December 15th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
/proud to live in Dahhkie Stahhhm Town
December 15th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
maybe this dude’s problem is that he has spent 4 hours watching nascar. i’d feel like i wasted my life too.
December 15th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
“That’s the difference between ow-ah Pats and your-ah piddly shit Pats and Coolts!”
I’m not complaining, and I’m sure it should have said Saints, but piddly shit Pats just fits too. NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!!
December 15th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
So, Super Bowl XLIV, South Florida: Colts vs. Saints. Colts come out of the tunnel to “Rock You Like A Hurricane”.
Most awkward moment in history?
Kind of, considering that the Colts will have lost two rounds earlier.
December 15th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Colt’s fans are rubes.
December 15th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
Losing a playoff game to Kordell means shut the fuck up forever.
December 15th, 2009 at 7:31 pm
DAHHKIE STAHHHM TOWN
Yes. This. WINS.
As a resident of the aforementioned Dahhkie Stahhhm Town, I want my Saints to do what Tawwmy’s Pats failed to do.
And in the process cock-knock both the 18-1 Pats and Mercury Morris. That’s what America wants! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
December 15th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
Losing a playoff game to Kordell means shut the fuck up forever.
Oh! This counts for the Ravens too!
December 15th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
@Christmas Ape and Monkey Business
Boys, go get a room.
December 15th, 2009 at 11:35 pm
A Boston fan took douchebaggery to a new level with that Slate article, a level previously thought unattainable
December 16th, 2009 at 12:30 am
What happened, Theo? Nawt only did you let Halladay sign with them Philadelphia CAWKSACKAHS, you had to get some faggot from Califoahniah instead? FACK YOU, JAHHN LACKEY! THEO, SIGN BRETT MYEAHHHS! HE PUNCHED HIS WIFE IN THE FACE IN BAAHSTON ONE TIME! HE’S ONE OF US! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
December 16th, 2009 at 7:16 am
Lakers and their fans are faggots
December 16th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
someone explain Dahhkie Stahhhm to me… it;s been a looong day…
December 16th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
The Patriots 21-game regular season win streak, which the Colts just broke, stretched over THREE seasons, during which they lost TWO playoff games, one to the Colts in 2006 and one to the Giants in 2007.
Just sayin’.
December 17th, 2009 at 11:32 am
The Pats also a had a 21-game win streak from ‘03 to ‘04 that included three postseason victories and a Super Bowl title. The Colts have won 13 straight games. That’s it. No one cares about consecutive “regular season” wins.
January 18th, 2010 at 4:45 pm
willsy:It refers to New Orleans
May 23rd, 2010 at 7:40 am
Other key party matches on the day will see Michael Bisping, Dan Miller, Todd Duffee, Mike Russow, Diego Sanchez and John Hathaway participate to see, who can occur out on top and be the confront of the next UFC tournament.