12.03.09
We Don’t Spend Nearly Enough Time Hating These Fat Humps
Cashier: Okay, sir. You got two bacon cheeseburgers, one spicy fish fillet, two sides of chicken fries, one order of chili cheese fries and one extra large cherry limeade. That’ll be $18.12.
Derek from Muncie: Ha! That’s funny! 18-12! That’s what Colts fans call the rivalry between Peyton Manning and Tom Brady. The War of 1812. I don’t know if you can really call it a “war” anymore, because we own the Patriots now. How stupid was Belicheat going for that 4th and 2? Peyton would’ve never done that.
Cashier: [Polite chuckle]
Derek: Speaking of Peyton, did you know he’s the first quarterback to ever throw for 40,000 yards in ONE DECADE!? I learned that in my issue of Colts Insider that I keep right here in my front seat. Oops, it fell under this Quinzo’s bag. There it is!
Cashier: $18.12 is your total, sir.
Derek: Did you know the Colts have the most total wins of any team this decade? Sure, we might not have the most titles, like those cheating Patriots and Steelers who robbed us of what was rightfully ours, but the best team doesn’t always win the Super Bowl. But I do think we’re gonna win it this year. How couldn’t we? You just can’t count the Colts out, no matter how far they fall behind in any game. They’re just way, way too good. Did you see how they came back against the Texans? Classic Colts. Just like that Dolphins game where they won despite only having the ball for what? Five minutes? That’s crazy.
Cashier: You’re holding up the line, sir.
Derek: I appreciate you being so courteous to me. I used to frequent Subway all the time even though some of their employees are jerks. Wanna know why?
Cashier: [Doesn't get a chance to speak]
Derek: Because Jared, their spokesguy, is a Colts fan. And people say the Colts aren’t a glamorous team!
We have a celebrity fan! I mean, Peyton’s really a celebrity in his own right. Did you see him on SNL? So funny. I think he’s gonna star in movies when his career is over. That is, when he’s not being a Super Bowl winning coach. Not like he’s not really coaching the team right now anyway. Caldwell’s just an empty figurehead. Anyway, I stopped going to Subway after they dropped Jared as their spokesguy. Now they have Justin Tuck and Michael Strahan doing ads? Whatever. The Giants suck. We beat them in the Greatest Game Ever Played in 1958. Man, I wish I could’ve been an Indy Colts fan back then.
Cashier: Please, sir. The money.
Derek: All right, all right. You know what you guys should do? When the Colts beat the Cheatriots record of 21 consecutive victories in two weeks, you should have a special promotion with that. Like, a free large cherry limeaid or something. I mean, the Colts should really have the record now anyway because the Pats are cheaters. The Chargers are too. Those scumbags didn’t deserve to beat us in our first playoff game the last two seasons. The NFL should investigate them. Shawne Merriman shared his steroids with everyone on the team. I read it on a message board. The Colts are good guys. We got rid of Marvin Harrison after his gun incident. Of course, he was old, decrepit and useless by that point anyway, but we still did it.
Oh, here’s you money.
Cashier: [Exhales sharply] Thank you.
Derek: HEY! My food’s cold now! I want my money back!
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2010/09/rex-naked-150x150.jpg)
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Just don’t hate the cherry limeades.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:00 pm
I hope we get more use out of the ‘we hate everyone’ tag.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:01 pm
Colts fans would never let their food get cold.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xahi0bqz2Mo
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:03 pm
If Bill Simmons bitched about the Super Bowl in Jacksonville, imagine what he’ll say if he goes to Indianapolis.
/Indianapolis really is a God forsaken town
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:03 pm
Wait, you’re saying I can take the whole family out in Muncie for$20.00 and come home with change? What a bargain! That’s a bargain for me.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Can’t wait until Monkey Business points out that Indianapolis is north of the Krystal/White Castle divide.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Is Monkey Business really Lil Ronnie? Seriously, if you don’t hate the Colts or at least their fans you will after watching this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0buqtbg68I
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Nice Subway diet ya got there, Jared.
Maybe I’m wrong, but I think Derek kinda looks like a cross between Michael Madsen and Buzz from Home Alone.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Yeah, that’s about how 90% of the fucking people down here sound. Excellent job!
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Everybody knows that your average Colts fan is a 37-year-old mother of three in Fishers who spends her commercial breaks on gamedays emasculating her husband by asking him why he couldn’t get the fucking Colts-branded “pop” at the market instead of the regular HFC-loaded swill she and her spawn usually suckle. She has Tony Dungy’s book on her fucking coffee table, and is not speaking to her recently-out gay teenager “because Tony said so.” When the game comes back from break, she bitches that the defense is shit whenever Bob Sanders isn’t in. Sanders, Manning and Freeney are the only players she knows on the team, and naturall, she has all three of their jerseys and rotates them on a weekly basis like so: Freeney on Friday, Sanders on Saturday, Manning on Sunday. She’s thinking of getting a Garcon jersey, but can’t decide whether she should get that or buy her kid that new band instrument he’s been bitching about. On Monday she’ll go to work and crow about “clutch” “Manning and the boys” were, and totally would have won without the refs doing anything, thank you very much.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:15 pm
@Upstate
After seeing that I do now.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:16 pm
In the deleted scene, the cashier reveals that she used to work at Popeye’s and that she is conflicted about Peyton and the Colts as she once fended off a robber with a Archie Manning 64oz commemorative glass.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:17 pm
@ Cat
being a Hamilton County (north Indy) resident most of my life….that’s disturbingly accurate.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Derick from Ball State vs Tawmy from Swampscaut?
Make it so
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:18 pm
I’m so looking forward to the Colts going 16-0… and losing their first playoff game.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Looks like Jared’s fat ass needs to start eating some Subway sammiches again.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:20 pm
I am from Indianapolis. This is disturbingly correct. Well done, sir.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Very good take, Cat. But having been to a game in Indianapolis I must say that the ladies there are pretty infatuated with Jeff Saturday.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Ahh Indianapolis, it’s like Pittsburgh without the industrial charm, St. Louis without the hookers, Peoria without the skyline, Louisville without the baseball bats & whiskey, Cleveland without the lake fires, Memphis without Beale St., or Cincy or KC without the chili & bbq.
Indianapolis, the Little Rock of the North.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Drew Brees thinks Jared is a man’s man.
What…wrong thread!? pishaw…
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Don’t forget that One Day at a Time, one of the crappiest sitcoms ever broadast, was set in Indianapolis.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Yeah, Saturday is rolling in the fat, loud, twice-married pre-menopausal pussy also. Although, I think most of that attention is derived from the fact that they think it’s cute that his name is Saturday, as he has all the charisma of a giant slab of beef in a blue jersey. A Venn Diagram graphing Jeff Saturday fans and people who have lolcats plastered all over their office cubicles would look like a single giant circle.
/bitter, frozen Indianapolis resident
/refugee Cowboys fan
/recovering Hoosier fan
/empty shell of a formerly happy woman
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Christ, even Colt’s fans don’t like Colt’s fans.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:45 pm
If any Indy Colts fan talks about the ‘58 game, punch them straight in the face. That was NOT the Indianapolis Colts, that was the BALTIMORE Colts.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:45 pm
There’s an older woman who frequents my local neighborhood bar who is a huge Colts fan. She’s always wearing her Colts jersey… when she’s not wearing her Saints jersey… or cheering for Brett Favre (not the Vikings; Brett fucking Favre). Frontrunner much?
The best part? Her husband has quietly told me (when she went outside for one of her 3,000 cigarettes) that he “couldn’t give less of a shit about football,” but he wears his Manning jersey nonetheless.
I hate them.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Huh, what? The Colts weren’t in Indy in 1958 – huh?…
Nice dig at the Indy fans who are stupid and ignorant about football until Fivehead came on the scene…
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:57 pm
@Tiger’s cock:
“Nice dig at the Indy fans who are stupid and ignorant about football until Fivehead came on the scene…”
Still stupid, still ignorant, just louder and with more Manning jerseys.
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:05 pm
At first I braced myself for another immature and annoying Colt-hate piece based in misinformation. I almost skipped it.
But yeah. This is pretty much dead on. I’m a season ticket holder but not from Indy. While I think the town itself is perfectly fine (better than its rep), I spend pretty much every game wanting to hit all the fans around me. You know it’s bad when you’d rather talk to the Pats fans behind you than the Colts fans next to you.
I lucked out though. Instead of one of the many big fat fatties, I ended up with one of the rail thin meth addict types next to me instead. So at least I get some elbow room. That stadium is odd. There’s no in between. It’s either big fat slobs or the super thin ones who look homeless. I always wondered how they managed to afford the tickets, but I guess when your home is a trailer worth 30k, you have a bit of disposable income…
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:10 pm
@LaFavre:
No, no we really don’t. I hate being lumped in with these whiny douchebags.
/better than being lumped in with Steelers whiny douchebags
//knows who Tom Santi is
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Did you know the Colts have the most total wins of any team this decade? Sure, we might not have the most titles, like those cheating Patriots and Steelers who robbed us of what was rightfully ours, but the best team doesn’t always win the Super Bowl.
I haven’t seen anyone else throw this out there yet, so I will – if the Colts make it to 19-0, they’re the team of the decade. Not the Pats. Not the Steelers. Nobody has been as statistically dominant as Peyton this decade, and no team has as many wins as the Colts. If they top it off with a second Super Bowl win and a perfect record, it’s case closed, and even if they get *only* another Super Bowl win it at least gives them a strong position in the argument.
/still completely unconvinced that any fans on Earth could be as hateable as Boston fans
//also hates everyone
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:17 pm
The drive-in lady looks just like Marilyn Quayle. Brilliant!
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:28 pm
I went to college with a lot of Colts fans and they rarely watched the 3rd quarter of the game. The Colts would be down at half so they’d fire up the playstation and make consistently over-estimated left turns for a while. After they found out that the Colts were winning again, they’d turn it back on.
/I don’t know any Boston fans
//my 360’s cover currently displays whever last beat the Colts. This is currently (sign) the Chargers
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:30 pm
@phylipsbane Nobody likes being associated with scum of their fanbases. I head back home and flip on WEEI for 45 seconds and want to drive my car through a Dunkin Donuts or a Bobs.
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:32 pm
@Upstate
OK after watching that not only do I hate the Colts I was wishing and praying Tawmee would pop and sucker-punch the little bastard at the end of the video and then stomp him with his timberlands.
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Never thought I’d see the term “Venn Diagram” used correctly around these parts……
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Looks like Jeff George and Jared are workout budddies.
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Look how bitter the Steelers fans get when they start to realize their team might not make the playoffs. Your anguish sustains me.
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:46 pm
No response from monkey buisness??
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Don’t forget Jeff Saturday’s beautiful blue eyes
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:59 pm
as a colts fan this is the reason I don’t go to games in Indy. also the whole not having money thing. Went to the titans colts game, and some guy behind me was parroting of stats about why peyton was great, and his argument hinged on working out with Marvin Harrison before the game. Not in general, as in that specific game. Meaning 2 things, 1. all black people look alike to this man, 2. he was unaware the colts cut harrison. I hate my fellow colts fan.
December 3rd, 2009 at 4:01 pm
I’m sure Monkey Business is composing a 32 paragraph rejoinder, devoid of any humor.
December 3rd, 2009 at 4:05 pm
I don’t know who Cat is, but today’s I am pretty sure today she’s the funniest person on the internet.
/You had me at Venn Diagram
//Fuck the Colts
///Pulls out DVD set of Road to Super Bowl XL, starts touching herself to Ben’s shoestring tackle
December 3rd, 2009 at 4:24 pm
Thank you, Ape, this needed to be written. Colts fans reached a whole new level of annoying after they beat the Pats a couple weeks back.
And I know that we always talk about the bandwagon Pats fans, but I’ve never met a pre-Manning Colts fan. And I mean Indianapolis Colts fans, not Baltimore Colts fans.
December 3rd, 2009 at 4:25 pm
THANK YOU.
I’m pretty sure I’m the only person outside of New England who hates the fucking Indianapolis Colts. Outside of Peyton Manning, they’re the lamest team ever. Oh sweet! Jeff Saturday and Dallas Clark! Or maybe Dwight Freeney and… Antoine Bethea or Kelvin Hayden do it for you.
But what about Bob Sanders you say? Bob Sanders never plays. He is the most overrated piece of shit of all time. Nobody should even know his name, but ESPN got a hard on for him for a season and now everybody slobs on his nob.
Fuck the Colts.
Except Pierre Garcon. That dude’s sweet.
December 3rd, 2009 at 4:26 pm
See, because his name is Garcon.
December 3rd, 2009 at 4:34 pm
Cat, I wanna make out with you
December 3rd, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Meh. It’s hard to get excited one way or the other about anything having to do with Indianapolis.
Except for Robert Irsay. That greedy, backstabbing, cowardly dicktaster can go get fucked in his not-dead-long-enough-rotting-corpse’s ass until the end of eternity. I think every Baltimore Colts fan has the moral right to piss on Irsay’s grave.
Seriously, fuck Robert Irsay and his progeny.
December 3rd, 2009 at 4:45 pm
The Colts have more than one celebrity fan. Ever heard of a guy named Rik Smits?
December 3rd, 2009 at 4:46 pm
OH YES. Thanks for this. I am astounded by the number of Colts (translation: Manning-era-only) fans I know who fill their Facebook posts full of “Go Horse!” nonsense but likely have to look up how many quarters there are in a game.
Also Colts fans seem to be the most defensive fans around. As a mild-to-medium Bears fan there is a lot of Super Bowl XLI talk, and whenever I point out that Hester’s opening return was one of the most exciting things I’ve ever seen the invariable response is “Oh yeah, well who won that game? Huh? HUH? Ha ha!” And I think, wow, Peyton beat Grossman, and you were integral. ACHIEVEMENT YOU, who have to reassure yourself that there was indeed one year your team didn’t choke.
December 3rd, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Awwww, gee. (blushes) Kisses!
In all seriousness, this city is fucking screwed. The city has essentially staked its economic fortunes on Peyton Manning’s arm. No, seriously. That’s the city’s economic plan: lure businesses by playing up how great a sports culture it is, even though the Pacers suck and only degenerates care about the 500. Sure, Indy might be decent this year (they’re so due for a loss and I can’t wait for the hype to be deflated), but Manning is getting old and one day will be gone, and after that, this team will be the same ol’ platter of dog shit they were in the 1990s. And the city will go back to being a giant fucking truckstop.
I’m in the Museum field, so I wish the city would invest in making this place an arts capitol and make it a little classy, but I know I’ll be disappointed. The Cowboys and their fans may be douchebags, but at least that team can be down and the only people it really hurts are douchebags, sports radio hosts, and Jerry Jones. Because Dallas is a real city.
Oh shit, this post isn’t funny. What do Peyton Manning, Brady Quinn, and Cutlerfucker have in common? Runny noses.
Geddit? It’s cuz they suck so much cock they overflow with cum! Har har har har har har har!
/goes back to her term paper
December 3rd, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Moved the team from one shit hole to another…..Irsay is an idiot.
December 3rd, 2009 at 5:23 pm
As a Colts fan and a Ball State alum, I have to say this pretty much hits the mark. Derek isn’t fat enough, though.
And +1 to Greetings’s comments about turning off the game at halftime. Some fans get so apocalyptic when the Colts aren’t up by 40 at the half.
December 3rd, 2009 at 5:38 pm
My econ professor is from Korea. He moved to Oregon where he went to college. Now he teaches at Sonoma State in Nor Cal. Why the hell is he a Colts fan?!
/Wears Laserface jersey to class
//Gets dirty looks
December 3rd, 2009 at 5:42 pm
It’s amazing how many Indy fans suddenly came out of nowhere here in Louisville when the Colts won the Super Bowl. They’re all just like Derek but even worse, because they also like the University of Kentucky.
December 3rd, 2009 at 5:51 pm
Does Dave Letterman really root for the Colts, or is he just being a dick?
December 3rd, 2009 at 7:48 pm
Letterman is a buck-toothed dick. Period.
/Muncie resident, BSU Alum, and Colts fan, even the pre-Peyton days.
December 3rd, 2009 at 8:19 pm
When did Martina Navratilova start working at Burger World?
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:02 pm
Well played sir, well played.
/door flies… closed?
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:27 pm
/bitter, frozen Indianapolis resident
/refugee Cowboys fan
/recovering Hoosier fan
/empty shell of a formerly happy woman
I’ll wear that out.
Tiger
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:34 pm
@General Disarray:
Um…thanks? Right back at ya?
/smiles awkwardly
//finger guns
December 4th, 2009 at 12:16 am
/Indy native, goes to college here
/massive homer
/is somewhat surprised at KSK’s portrayal of Colts fans (most of us are pretty chill)
/is too young to remember pre-Peyton years
December 4th, 2009 at 4:59 am
Correction: Jared WAS an Indy fan. Then he lost 240 pounds and woke up from the nightmare.
December 4th, 2009 at 8:28 am
As a Bears fan stuck in the heart of Colts country I have to say this was an outstanding bit of work.
December 4th, 2009 at 9:19 am
In all fairness, this is fairly accurate. Although, as previously mentioned, Indy is better than it’s rep.
Consider this an open invitation to the KSK Staff: if any of you are ever in Indianapolis, I will buy you a beer of your choosing and show you around the city.
December 4th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Holy crap what is with the “yeah we know we suck” from all the Indy fans?
As a lifelong Indy fan I’d just like to say SUCK M’DICK…
when I tuck my Mathis jersey into my acid washed jeans and don’t wear a belt..I do it WITH PRIDE.
BOOSH.
December 4th, 2009 at 9:54 am
oh I forgot to add
//Rothlisberger gun fingers
December 4th, 2009 at 10:28 am
Man, Dallas Clark got fat.
December 4th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Manning is getting old and one day will be gone, and after that, this team will be the same ol’ platter of dog shit they were in the 1990s. And the city will go back to being a giant fucking truckstop.
That. Was. Outstanding.
/Fellow Dallas Fan
December 4th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
I visited a friend in Indy once. He had a pet piranha he had starved for a month so he could “give me a show” by feeding it a hand-shaved mouse upon my arrival. Then he drove me around for hours each day, stopping every hour at 7-11s to buy one liter Mountain Dews. I don’t think he was a Colts fan, and the piranha thing was actually flattering and exciting. I’m not sure why I wrote this.
December 4th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
@Low Commander:
Huh, you’d think the econ prof would be wearing a Steelers 86 jersey…
December 4th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Oh my god. @Cat, @junkfood, those were scary accurate.
The upper middle class family from Fishers, Carmel, Noblesville, or the north side of Indy… with colts gear fucking EVERYWHERE, colts decals plastered on their enormous SUVs, all hell of yammering on about how ‘Brady should wear a skirt’ and that can’t seem to leave a conversation without mentioning spygate… they’re born out of the decade and a half of mediocrity that foreshadowed a violent rise to significance for the Colts…
Indianapolis is not a flashy city, and Indiana is not an exciting state, and so people from this area just want to find SOMETHING they can point to to separate themselves from the Kentuckys and Iowas and Kansases, something to assure them that they’re not that boring (the whole state has a massive inferiority complex).
The Colts are what they have found, this decade.
and as a Colts fan who has kind of realized all that shit, it sucks. I can’t wear a damn jersey around without realizing that I’m throwing up a flag that YEAH, I AM ASSOCIATED WITH THESE PEOPLE.
December 4th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
This not only describes Colts fans…but FAT AMERICANS in general. American gridiron is stupid. GERMANY > USA
December 4th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
As a resident of Indianapolis, I take offense. We have more than Dairy Queen here! We also have Burger King, McDonalds, Taco Bells, and White Castle. For people from out of town, we have a few Starbucks. Otherwise, it’s pretty accurate.
As for Cat. Don’t be too impressed with her. Any woman that funny is sure to look like most Hoosier girls, or Rosey O’Donell.
December 4th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
8====================D
December 4th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Plus, if you’re a white loser who only feigns interest in sports to try and look cool, who is a better choice than fucking Indianapolis? Poser Indy fans are almost as implicity racist as the anti-dahhhkie NE fans are explictly racist.
In Indy, Anthony Gonzalez is viewed as an awesome up and coming receiver who had an unfortunate injury cut him down before making the leap. Anywhere else, he would be a slow, white, bust.
God help us if Austin Collie ever pans out. He’ll make Dallas Clark’s fame look like Randy McMichael’s.
December 4th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
@Lofa
I like the contrast of accusing Indy fans of implicit racism while calling a Cuban white and slow because he’s pale.
4.44 at the combine and averaged 15 yards a catch as a rookie.
As for bust check out his catch rate numbers that go with the legit YPR. Football Outsiders wants to have his baby.
December 4th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
/Colts fan
//not from Indy
December 4th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
“In Indy, Anthony Gonzalez is viewed as an awesome up and coming receiver who had an unfortunate injury cut him down before making the leap. Anywhere else, he would be a slow, white, bust.”
And that’s why we win more games than anyone else.
December 4th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
This shit is great. My Dad and I have season tickets and I always wonder to him if most the people in the stadium didn’t spend their life savings for their tickets. You’d be surprised at how many ticket holders were there before Manning, but obviously it’s a full bandwagon now. And yes, there are definitely some fat fucks at the games…but that’s really 90% of football fans / most Americans anyway.
December 4th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
And Indy is an alright town. It’s a lot nicer than anything in Michigan or Ohio….then again that sure as hell isn’t saying much
December 4th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Didn’t the meth craze start in Indianapolis?
/I’m guessing
December 4th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
As somebody born and raised in Nap Town, had season tickets from the first season (1984) until they fired Marchibroda in favor of Lindy Infante, and moved out west prior to Peyton, I would really love an explanation of what the hell happened to the fan base?
We went from being made up of 20,000 real Colts fans, 5,000 who won tickets on the radio or at Pacer games, and 25,000 opposing team fans to a good number of morbidly obese necks that look to have followed Peyton up from Tennessee and a bunch of hillbilllies that live north of the city on plowed under corn fields.
I go to a game every season and am stunned to see parking lots filled with mini vans that have their unknown high school band soaped on the windows and BMW’s with counties I’ve never heard of listed on their license plates.
Of course, I write this on a laptop in Chicago where I’ve been listening to even fatter people exclaim that the Bears are “1 or 2 players away from a Super Bowl.” At least the bulk of Colts fans are nay-saying jerks that are waiting for the bottom to fall out after having years of Rohn Stark (the most man-pretty punter ever) being our only Pro Bowler.
P.S. Before there were Peyton and Dallas, all Indy housewives loved Rohn Stark.
December 5th, 2009 at 12:53 am
@Cat
Museum “field”? Term paper? I’m going to go out on a limb and say 40ish year-old woman studying creative writing at IUPUI, mostly because nobody born after 1975 recognizes museums as a “field”, or refers to any written document as a “term paper”. Thanks for taking a break from debating the true literary merit of Cormac McCarthy’s commentary on the direction of modern society with whatever animal keeps you company in your studio apartment on the corner of 10th and Tibbs to troll KSK long enough to pick up on stylistic devices that would make you seem like a relevant, and quite humorous, expert on all things Indianapolis. I’m glad I took this small break from my “slightly more relevant” studies to read this pretty sub-par KSK post (I have a thing for the Hines Ward posts, personally) and stumble upon the rantings of someone that doesn’t even assert a meaningful contribution, economic or otherwise, to the community against which she slams. But, regional self-loathers always add a little spice to the mundane soup (see what i did there? got all metaphorical on ya) that is the “I have a friend from (whatever city this post makes fun of) and he’s the biggest (redneck, douchebag, w/e), so it’s pretty fair to assume everyone there is like that,” post.
I remember your kind from back in the pre-Peyton days. Although not your exact kind, as we didn’t have any intellectuals around to write term papers, and whatnot. They would comment on how once Reggie Miller left, and the Pacers died, the city would revert “back to a truckstop”. But it didn’t. Imagine that. Sure Indianapolis isn’t Chicago, the east coast or the west coast; the only places that really are distinguishable from St. Louis, Nashville, Cincinnati, etc. But it also isn’t, Zanesville, Ohio or Altoona, Pennsylvania. Real slices of heaven that would just shock the stylish black-framed glasses of a cultural aficionado such as yourself. Yet somehow, like the aforementioned mid-sized cities, Indy maintains, with or in spite of the success of sports teams. But being that you can’t afford to travel on the students loans you had to pull for your immense 10k yearly tuition, and therefore have never experienced such places, I forgive you.
Last, being an IU alum that understands the true sports dynamic (see:basketball) of the state in which I no longer have the pleasure to call home, I’ll ask that you forgive the people of central Indiana that have only followed the rest of the country in mindlessly embracing the NFL over all other sports. I’m also not going to bother pointing out the similar rampant rise in fandom that followed Mark Cuban’s turnaround of what was then one of the other worst sports franchises of the 90s…oh wait. Similarly, i’ll refrain from pointing out the extent to which the Hoosier nation neither wants, nor needs, the support of “bitter Dallas refugees”. Go watch the Pac10/Big12 hardwood series and complain about how, although you miss kevin durant in the orange and white, it’s okay because he’s just a short steer ride away from the cultural mecca that is the Lone Star State, to the one place that clearly deserves a sports franchise, Oklahoma City. And lastly, your commentary on Fishers is easily applicable to any other suburbia from Virginia to northern California, but pat yourself on the back for the astute observation of the people that keep your “field” alive (unless there’s been a resurgent interest in the museum “field” by the blue collar folks of Indiana that I’m unaware of). Get a fucking grip lady.
/had colts season tickets in the early 90’s
/is glad the Colts have peyton so articles like this will be written and people like Cat will feel relevant
/isn’t putting a dollar in the donations box the next time he goes to a museum
December 5th, 2009 at 9:32 am
dog vs cat
i see what you did there
December 5th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Dog just wrote a “term paper”.
December 5th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
isn’t putting a dollar in the donations box the next time he goes to a museum
DO YOU HEAR THAT MUSEUMS OF INDIANAPOLIS? YOU WILL HAVE TO SURVIVE WITHOUT UNCLE MONEYBAGS’ DOLLAR!!!
December 5th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
Jesus, I didn’t know my fanbase was so bitchy.
February 5th, 2010 at 10:39 pm
Indianapolis is one of the most generic, okie-doke cities this country has to offer. As someone said it before the colts are the only thing this city has to cheer for (I sure did end that sentence in a preposition). Only hillbillies and lazy, fat people wear jerseys 9 days a week and that is all I see everywhere I go. Colts fans are some fair-weathered, selfish sum umma bitch fans to say the least. What was up with booing a player on the team you are suppose to be die hard fans for? I cannot wait until manning & co. retire or go to another team so the entire country can see just how many true colts fans there really are. When that happens Indiana will just be among the rankings of the Iowas, Kansases and Nebraskas once again and I will be LONNNNGGGG GONE :-)
March 26th, 2010 at 7:02 am
It sounds love you’re creating problems yourself by trying to solve this issue instead of looking at why their is a problem in the first place