This Man Needs A Bagelwich
12.08.09
Kupel’s Bakery in Brookline is looking to create a bagel sandwich named for Wes Welker, and they’ve reached out to their Twitter followers for suggestions. Our submission follows, feel free to include yours in the comments.
Start with a plain white bagel made with triple-bleached flour. Coat one side of the sliced bagel with copious amounts of Miracle Whip for edginess, then apply a thin layer of grain mustard to the opposite side for enhanced grit. Top the bagel with a few slices of deceptively lean ham and a slice of American cheese. And dear god, make sure it’s American cheese, lest some Bostonian accuse you of being in cahoots with that shifty Garçon character.
Come to think of it, even the whitest bagel is still going to be a bit too Edelman-y to bear Welker’s name. Let’s switch it out for a couple of slices of Wonder Bread and call it a day.
Thanks to reader Peter for the tip.
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@Ben
Yeah, move out of DC. The food there sucks.
Ben. I think it’s about the water, the mineral content is lower which makes the bagels less crispy on the outside.
/Or something
So Welkah likes cum on his upper lip, huh?
/not following along
“We live in a society of rules! Why do you think I took you to all those “Police Academy” movies? For fun? I didn’t see anyone laughing. Did you? And stay outta my booze!”
/All roads lead to “The Simpsons”.
I still dont understand why I can’t get a good bagel in the DC area — any suggestions?
@ Gino: worse yet, that would make Elisha … Howard Hesseman?
// ashamed he didn’t have to look that up
Can’t make this shit up! From the boston police department’s twitter feed:
“@Boston_Police: SUSPICIOUS PACKAGE: bomb squad responding to Finagle a Bagel, 545 Boylston street for suitcase left unattended.”
http://twitter.com/Boston_Police
The Colts fans keep on whining…
http://www.stampedeblue.com/2009/12/4/1185695/kissing-suzy-kolber-insults-us
From the looks of that pic keep it simple.
Cum on a cracker.
Sorry in advance, but I just had to point out this little gem of PK’s:
BEST SINGLE-SEASON TEAM: 2007 Patriots
…The 2007 Patriots have a scar that will never go away, the 17-14 loss to the Giants in Super Bowl XLII. But no team since the advent of the 16-game schedule in 1978 won every regular-season game. No team in history has been 18-0. To me, a three-point loss in the final minutes of the Super Bowl doesn’t mean there was a better team in the last 10 years.
“OWAH LOSS IN THA SUPAH BOWL DOESN’T MEAN THAT YOU-AH BETTAH THAN US!!!”
It’s not just about being white! He’s small as well! He’s Wee White Wes Welker. So it needs to be a half sandwich or a Mini-Bagel.
No John Lynch bagelwich?
Does Kupel’s still make the Zeke Mowatt?
Oooh man, do I miss Kupel’s. I even learned all about the high holidays from them when they closed for what seemed like all of October last year.
One thing you can count on – even if Welkah becomes team captain for a Super-Bowl winning Jets team, the bagelwich will stay.
Their menu still has the “Dice-K”, the “Manny”, and even the “Drew Bledsoe”.
killer of whales is right, kupel’s is a kickass bakery/bagel shop.
I have to wonder if Tommy goes there this weekend and can’t figure out …
“why the fack would a bagel shahwp be closed on sattahday?!?!?! IT’S NAWT RIGHT! YOU CAN’T DENY THIS!!!”
I thought that the Breadwich retired from general usage when Drew left FKS, but the Breadwich with maybe a slice of (the white variety) of American cheese would be the perfect Welker.
I think I’d prefer Peyton to be Kommandant Klink. And then Dallas Clark can be Sergeant Schultz I guess.
/realizes that reference is incredibly old.
and by person of color, I mean not one single person on planet earth
Toasted plain bagel with mayo (both sides), sandwiching a piece of white bread and sprouts. Bland, gritty and a person of color would go nowhere near that thing.
It has to be a bagel that will taste infinitely better when paired with a second, darker, MOSSy bagel.
Plain bagel soaked in blue gatorade
+
cool whip
+
Scraps composed of meat swept up from the floor (cuz, ya know, he’s scrappy)
=
The Wes Mess
Plain white bleached bagel
White turkey meat
White American cheese
Poached egg whites
Shredded cabbage (with the skin peeled before shredding)
Mayo
Miracle Whip
Marshmallows to taste
Salt, no pepper
+8 oz carton of milk
Now, please allow me to start a food fight: Bagels, overrated food product or the most overrated food product?
better yet, The PPR:
Poppies
Pumpernickel
Raisin
just make sure Elaine Benes doesn’t eat any.
Whatever you put on it, I nominate we call it the PPR.
Julian Edelman is PISSED
@ Optimus Prime Minister
Typical white man trying to claim another cultures delicious contribution to the world as their own.
/ Boston doesn’t have good bagels
/ To say the word “Bagelwich” is to deficate on the Torah.
Better be careful, lest someone create a similar David Eckstien bagel.
Gets confusing in my RSS when I subscribe to this site and the Brookline Tab at the same time. Not very often, though there’s potential here for a post about the chickens Bob Kraft wants to keep in his backyard. OW-UH HEALTH DEPAHTMENT WILL CONSIDAH YOU-AH REQUEST FAH FRESH DAIRY!
Nice slashy
To be a true Welker bagel, you must eat it under a table.
/because he runs nothing but underneath routes, you see
WTF are you talking about? The careful and specific wording was hilarious. Unless I’m missing something.
Should’ve just named that post, “We’re mailing it in today.”
A PRAWPAH WELKAHWICH = NAWT A FAHKIN BAGGLE = ONE FAHKIN HAWT LAHGE GRINDA WITH EVERTHIN, HOLD HIS PICKLE AN CHOKE ON IT IN THE SUPAH BOWL, YOU FAHKIN QUEEAH BEGGAH
@Nate Newton’s Fan: Perfect, it’s even adequately racist! Boston, meet your new sandwich!
THIS BAGEL SANDWICH, this bagel sandwich came here to be EATEN. If you’re a sandwich on the KUPEL’S BAKERY BAGEL SANDWICH MENU OF BROOKLINE IN THE COMMONWEALTH OF MASSACHUSETTS, then you know what it takes to be a GREAT BAGEL SANDWICH.
I LOVE this SANDWICH!
FLUFFAHNUTTA SANDWICH
on everything bagel:
1 smear Maashmelluh fluff
2 slices buhloney
dust with frosted walnuts
NO ONE DENIES THIS etc etc
I don’t care what they call the bagel so long as it comes with a tall watermelon wedge on the other side of the plate to make it look better than it actually is.
Not sure, Gino.
But next time Peyton’s at a podium, I bet we can find King crammed inside.
@ Otto
Good call on Commandant Lassard. Does this mean Peyton Manning is also Punky Brewster’s Dad?
-1 plain bagel
-1 slice white American cheese
-1/2 pound meat scraps (doesn’t matter what kind of meat. Just needs lots of scrappiness. And God help you if I find dark meat on there.)
-1 spoonful of grits (REAL grittiness does not come from mustard, you amateurs… if grits are unavailable, use sand.)
-1 hefty dollop of TV color commentator’s “special sauce” (preferably a fresh batch, but if you need to scrape if off a tube sock, that’ll do in a pinch.)
Voila. Welkah Sandwich. This sandwich just wants to win, man.
No ham — Kupel’s is kosher. And much like Walter Sobchak, they don’t roll on Shabbos.
Peter King: “He [Peyton Manning] is not the leader of his offense; he is *the commandant.*”
You mean like Commandant Lassard?
This bagel must be served with a glass of whole milk or a twisted tea.
Welkah is the greatest white receivah in football. Whoops, I mean wide recievah.
true story:
my friend is a middle school teacher. one day a few months ago he had to break up a fight between a black kid and a white kid. when he asked why they were fighting the white kid said, “he called me a bagel.” my friend asked, “why’d you call him a bagel.” the black kid answered, “cuz he’s white, and white people eat bagels.” my friend paused for a few seconds, then said, “that’s racist and offensive, but i totally see where you’re coming from, we do love bagels.” since that time we’ve been calling people bagels whenever they do something extremely white, and we’re hoping it catches on.
instead of two slices of white bread, they should just hand customers wanting a Wes Welker directions to Blanchard’s Liquors to get a fawwty of haffenreffer private stawwk. or a case of heineken.
This is a little off-topic, but…
Peter King: “He [Peyton Manning] is not the leader of his offense; he is *the commandant.*”
I think Pey-Pey has a new nickname.
Why is it that the bagels back home in Boston are infinitely better than the ones here in L.A.? I was talking with House on the flight back from Vegas (I saw Ian Zeiring there – playing Pai Gow! Doesn’t Steve Sanders strike you as more of a Blackjack guy?), and he agrees. We ended up texting Adam Carolla, and he had Kimmel fly some out.
Welker is from Oklahoma. If Kupel’s Bakery wants a ideas for a Welker Bagel, they should just go with whatever is fashionable in Oklahoma City’s Jewish food scene right now.
Didja ever notice bagels are round, just like the canisters of gas that killed all those Jews at Auschwitz? I don’t know what it means, I just think it’s interesting.
Peter King tipped you off to this?! Lofty. Quasi-metaish.
When will Jewish delicatessens quit pandering to the gentiles with bagel sandwiches?
When they stop being smart capitalists?
/every culture whores out their cuisine for money
For what its worth, Kupel’s is a helluva bakery.
/Hebrew’d
So…I’ll just make the “that’s Simmons’ jizz on his lips” joke and show myself out.
for accuracy’s sake, they should just ask welker. like what burger king’s in WI did with gilbert brown a while back.
either way, GRITTIEST BAGELWICH EVAHHHHH
AND THAH BAGEL IS TOASTED WITH POWAH GENAWRATED BY THAH PASSION OF THAH LEGENDARY BAWSTON FAITHFUL! NO OTHAH FANBASE COULD PERFORM SUCH TOASTING WITHOWT THAH BAGEL BEING TOO DAHHHK!
Just so long as the bagel’s hole fits around PK’s dick, I think it’ll suffice.