This Man Deserves The Badassest Nickname Humanly Possible

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This is Chris Johnson. Right now, Chris Johnson is, hands down the best running back in football. I mean, really. HOLY FUCKING SHIT, this man is a beast. He averages 6.4 yards a carry. He could easily top 2,000 yards by year’s end. The idea of facing him in fantasy makes my balls quiver. The man is a badass.

But he’s got no nickname. We can’t let this shit stand. A player this awesome deserves a handle worthy of his play. So we a KSK came together (an ideation!) and tried to come up with a name for Johnson that would stick. Here was that list:

-CJ
-Magic Johnson
-Powder Blue Jesus

As you can see, we failed miserably. But then we snorted Ritalin, and gave it another go:

-Cop Speed
-Long Johnson
-Dashville Hennessy
-Junebug
-Black Dwarf
-Judge Dreads
-Tosh.go

Okay, those are also all fairly weak. Except Cop Speed. So we need your help. In the comments, give us your best nicknames possible for Chris Johnson. Something cool, like Rocketcock. I dunno. GO NUTS. Winning name gets enshrined in KSK lore forevermore. Go, go!

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337 Responses to “This Man Deserves The Badassest Nickname Humanly Possible”

  1. Ron Dayne's Strict Diet Says:

    Wide nose havin’ black magic evil motherfucker.

    /Charlie Murphy’d

  2. Pete Says:

    I think that Redskins third string RB has a cool name. Rock Cartwright. Let’s just give Johnson his name.

  3. Roy Hobbs Says:

    How about: “I drafted him in the 8th round of my keeper league last year and when Lendale was vulturing touchdowns traded him for Plaxico because I’m an idiot.”

  4. Zack Says:

    Crisp Johnson

  5. Scram or we'll all be cooked! Says:

    Rage Wookie

  6. rob Says:

    I like CJ, but Peyton would have been a better choice here.

  7. Vicious Says:

    YARD RAPER

  8. Upstate Underdog Says:

    Christ Johnson
    Titan-ium
    Sperminator

  9. Ablaham Rincoln Says:

    Run Tenn Tenn

  10. Chamomiles Davis Says:

    Rushtoofarian.

  11. Towelie Says:

    Big Johnson

  12. Scram or we'll all be cooked! Says:

    Joe Kickass

    or

    Mr. Plow

  13. H Cuz Says:

    Horse Cock.

    Though maybe not the best idea considering where Horse Balls Anderson’s career went.

  14. Ropethrower Says:

    Vagic Johnson

    /fucks off…

  15. Dan Snyder's Waxed Taint Says:

    Dickstomp McPunchface

  16. rse Says:

    Usain Johnson

    Chris Bolt

  17. Upstate Underdog Says:

    King Dong
    Black Cyanide

  18. Jonathan Says:

    Real Beast Mode.

  19. TF88 Says:

    The Juggernaut.

    based off the popular youtube”I’m the Juggernaut, bitch” video!

  20. Orton hears an Oot Says:

    Grill Daddy
    Flash Golden
    Predator

  21. Asner Says:

    Chris “C.O.D.” Johnson ….. cause that man’s Cash on Delivery

  22. Dean Says:

    Catastrophe. Also, props on his alma mater for having the world’s most badass midfield logo: http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/fieldyarrr.jpg

  23. Ian Says:

    The badassest nickname is “the Axe Murderer,” which is currently held by W. Silva. I can’t think of anything that quickly sums up badassery better than “the Axe Murderer.” We must figure out a way to strip Silva of the title and give it to Chris “abnormally fast” Johnson.

  24. TomSellecksMustache Says:

    Flash

  25. Tracer Bullet Says:

    Dr. Teef
    White Shoes

  26. TomSellecksMustache Says:

    Chris “Crisco” Johnson …… he’s slick like that.

  27. TomSellecksMustache Says:

    … and deep fries defenses

  28. selke99 Says:

    The Weekly Measter

    Seperated at birth from Edgerrin James (The Edge, as he likes to be called).

  29. TomSellecksMustache Says:

    ….. and he prolly likes chicken

  30. doctorpancreas Says:

    Black Snake Moan

  31. Ordinary Olandis Gary Says:

    TitanTron
    Gone Johnson
    Speedy Johnzalez (OK, that one is just for shits and giggles)

  32. Zero Charisma Says:

    The Real Killer

  33. dm72 Says:

    Mr. Gash

  34. E-Man Says:

    Bad Trip
    Riot Spray

  35. Monday Night Marmalard Says:

    Rundingo

  36. Squabbles Says:

    Blur

    Vapor

    Big

    … Johnson

  37. Mario Says:

    I think Cop Speed is the winner.

  38. Chamomiles Davis Says:

    The Bullet Train/ Nashville Express

    Tenneseeyoulatermotherfuckers

  39. Zero Charisma Says:

    Grand Ol’ Copspeed

  40. Sex Fabregas Says:

    Blue Magic
    Tennessee Six Shooter
    Stylez G. White

  41. Farthammer Says:

    Bronson Thundercock

  42. Tom Couglin's Sex Tape Says:

    Umm… from wikipedia:

    Christopher Duan Johnson (born September 23, 1985 in Orlando, Florida) is an American football running back for the Tennessee Titans of the National Football League. He was drafted by the Titans 24th overall in the 2008 NFL Draft. He played college football at East Carolina.

    DUAN!

    that’s all i got

  43. Mortimer Says:

    Rocketcock!

  44. JayBear Says:

    The MinuteMan. In less than a minute he can leave your life ruined and you in tears.

    /Much like me in bed
    //Shows self out

  45. Zero Charisma Says:

    Rip Steakface

  46. LaFavre's Next Drink Says:

    Gold Teef

  47. dougery Says:

    Whatever the opposite of Chris Berman’s (WHOOP!) first inclination is.

  48. Mike D Says:

    80-Yard Johnson

  49. Chamomiles Davis Says:

    Maximum Warp

  50. hedphuq Says:

    Christ Johnson would be my favorite. Or maybe Smash Dash Johnson since LenDale White is no longer useful in this RB duo.

  51. UKChris Says:

    Gold Teefus

  52. Upstate Underdog Says:

    Silky Johnson
    Golden Teef

  53. TomSellecksMustache Says:

    THAT GUY is an all around ballplayer. THIS GUY can hit top speed in 1/2 a step and make THESE GUYS on defense look like THOSE GUYS you don’t want to be. For what THIS GUY does to THOSE GUYS w/ THESE GUYS i’ll call THAT GUY …….

    Chris “Can’t Touch My” Johnson.

  54. Vicious Says:

    Optimus Prime

  55. dm72 Says:

    D-raper

  56. Stanford Reject Says:

    Blue Kronos

    Slab Bulkhead

  57. DanSnyder'sSoul Says:

    Cockjets!

  58. BabySexCannon Says:

    The Runegade
    The Music City Mirage
    The Music City Marauder
    Gone Country
    The Dread Headed Stranger

    (ok, I’m out of Nashville/C&W references)

  59. Zilla Says:

    Chril ‘Jon

    The gangstaness of CHUH CHUH
    The intensity of MARION MOTHERFUCKIN BARBER
    The simplicity of BIKEBIKEBIKEBIKE

  60. Upstate Underdog Says:

    Wackadoo Johnson
    Electric Dream Machine

  61. Gotti Says:

    SCB – Super Chocolate Bear

  62. Ismael Says:

    The Beast.

    Super Freak

    The Ghost

    The Streak

    Greased Lighting.

    Kajay

    Big Dick Johnson

    well…thats all i got for now…

  63. Sweater Kittens Inspector Says:

    Black Death

  64. Upstate Underdog Says:

    Grateful Dread

  65. indo nate Says:

    - Hairy McScrunchyface
    - Tennessee Sackbeard
    - Medusa

  66. Slash Says:

    I second: The Predator.

    It’s the dreads. Plus, the football playin’ stuff.

  67. mathesond Says:

    Binky

  68. Chamomiles Davis Says:

    Titan Maximum
    Murderface

  69. AbG Says:

    Voodoo

    Anti-Ziggy Marley

    Wrecking Balls

  70. Lack of Foreskin Says:

    Blade Runner
    Trogdor the Burninator
    George Foreman (’cause he’s got a badass grille)
    Rush Limbaugh

  71. Ismael Says:

    Thumbs down on the Predator…That’s Larry Fitzgerald’s handle

  72. Ken Gryphon Jr. Says:

    MondayTuesdayWednesdayThursdayFridaySaturdaySunday

    It’s identifiable.

  73. Gusthebear Says:

    Permenant Meast.

    Or dos ocho…I think that’s original

  74. Animal Mother Says:

    I have to agree with SILKY JOHNSON, cuz if he ain’t on your team, you’re all hatin’ on Silky!

    Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate!

  75. TankGal Says:

    Jet Stream Johnson.
    Rocket Man.
    The Executioner, because he puts fantasy teams out of their misery.
    He Who Sprints.
    Cha-Ching.
    Thrills My Johnson.

    /vodka wearing off, going to stop.

  76. LaFarve's Next Drink Says:

    Painkilla

  77. Signal to Noise Says:

    Cop Speed is a personal favorite.

    Blue Moses (parts the Red Sea of defenders, and much like Purple Jesus, puts the fear of God into you if your opponent has him in fantasy)

  78. twoeightnine Says:

    Tough Gong

  79. Upstate Underdog Says:

    robo-cock

  80. booferama Says:

    Dreadnaught.
    Criminal Speed.
    Gone Johnson.

    /leaves room.

  81. twoeightnine Says:

    OBMF One Badass Mother Fucker

  82. whowillsexmutombo? Says:

    Chris “Yom Kippur” Johnson.
    (Because he fast. Heh heh.)

  83. Lack of Foreskin Says:

    Orthodontious

  84. LaFarve's Next Drink Says:

    Bluedream

  85. spongeworthy Says:

    Nastooth McFastafarian?

  86. MadWhiteGenius Says:

    28 Problems.

  87. SonOfSpam Says:

    The Gasher

    Teddy Ruxpin

    No…just The Gasher.

  88. Chris Brown Says:

    siege-j

    badass.

  89. Upstate Underdog Says:

    289, or BAMF (bass ass mother fucker), rolls of the tongue easier.

  90. Zero Charisma Says:

    Stuff White People Like

  91. MadWhiteGenius Says:

    To second Signal to Noise:

    Powder-Blue Moses

  92. whowillsexmutombo? Says:

    Motherfucker.
    Because he’s fast as a motherfucker.
    And also, he’ll probably fuck your mother.

  93. Rowdy Roddy Peeper Says:

    Nashville Pussymangler

    (after the band, Nashville Pussy)

  94. GhostsoftheUpcountry Says:

    Forrest.

  95. C&O connection12 Says:

    I second grateful dread. A-hes got dreadlocks, B- He’s got pot smoker all over him, C- everyone dreads playing him.
    / feels like an even bigger dork for saying above things.

  96. LaFarve's Next Drink Says:

    Rockhard Johnson

  97. whowillsexmutombo? Says:

    Tracy Chapman.
    (It’s got at least 2 meanings! It’s deep! It’s thoughtful!)

    //I’m done now.

  98. Beat Junkie Says:

    Can’t remember where, but I heard him referred to as Sonic the Hedgehog recently and liked the sound of it. Variations like Sonic or Sonic Boom could also work.

  99. Rowdy Roddy Peeper Says:

    Biggus Chrisus

  100. Latini Says:

    Sunny Crockett or Nash Bridges (Duan Johnson)
    Choledochojejunostomy-also known as CDJ, anastomosis of the bile duct to the jejunum. No idea what it means, but it sounds NASTY, just like it’s owner.
    John Roberts (chief justice)

  101. Johnny Lederhosen Says:

    My faves so far:
    Rushtoofarian for the talking heads, Cop Speed for the hoi polloi. The Predator is still up for grabs, everyone knows Larry is Fitzhulu.

  102. CymbalBangingMonkey Says:

    In Nashville he’s called “Four Two Seven” or “Mr. Four Two Seven”

    Other names:
    Sick-speed
    Juke Johnson
    Cristal
    Bocephus
    Big & Rich
    CJ Swift (I’mma let u finish but Stephen Jackson is the best running back)

  103. Slab Bulkhead Says:

    @Stanford Reject Hey wait a second…

  104. joseph Says:

    the predator

  105. FamousMortimer Says:

    lol @ murderface, although they do share a resemblance…

    http://i409.photobucket.com/albums/pp175/smcgizzle/murderface.jpg

  106. Xtian996 Says:

    Ludacris Speed

    Ghostface Grillah

  107. A DOGG Says:

    Flash Rape
    Speed Rape
    Bullet Rape
    Bullet Cock
    Black Cock
    Black Rape

  108. Dan Snyder's Waxed Taint Says:

    Thumphole Crunkman

    Apparently he calls himself “Every Coach’s Dream.”

    /not prepared to call anything chris johnson says does “gay”

    You know what would be just great? If Hugh Douglas hadn’t called himself The Badassador. Hugh Douglas was not The Badassador. Chris Johnson is The Badassador.

  109. daveR Says:

    cornelious thundercock

  110. Rowdy Roddy Peeper Says:

    Chrisco…to slippery to tackle.

  111. Captain Caveman Says:

    Chtulhu

  112. SaintG Says:

    C-Pain

  113. someone Says:

    Balls Johnson.

  114. Beat Junkie Says:

    Chris “Ludicrous Speed” Johnson

    He’s gone to plaid!

  115. GhostsoftheUpcountry Says:

    Run, you beautiful bastard, run.

  116. James Says:

    Bulk Ironstag
    Big McLargehuge

    and the best of the Space Mutiny nicknames: Thick Mcrunfast

  117. Marmalard's Mansack Says:

    Snake Dick! Fuck Owen Daniels. Chris Johnson is Snake Dick!

  118. KP Says:

    Dash

  119. This Guy Says:

    Tracer Bullet Says:
    December 1st, 2009 at 12:07 pm
    Dr. Teef

    Winner.

  120. Shady Paz Says:

    Flyin’ Dingo McCracken

  121. Gotti Says:

    Blue Zeus

  122. MightyMightyMitzu Says:

    Black Hercules

  123. Zamboni Says:

    Guy-Tennessee-fans-will-root-for-on-the-field-but-won’t-let-near-their-daughters

    Or does that cover all minority players?

  124. Gomez Says:

    Shredder.

    Because look what he’s doing to NFL defenses.

  125. Sabatini's Pacifier Says:

    Apeshit

  126. Golden Taint Says:

    Titanic Load

    (may have to pay royalties to Brazzers)

  127. joe wade Says:

    either “slave feet” or “teal mohammad”

  128. jmac_the_man Says:

    I’m another vote for “The Rushtofarian”

  129. clueheywood Says:

    Blast Furnace
    The Decimator
    Load Runner
    Flash Johnson
    Honkey Kong (potential Toby Gerhart nickname)

  130. J.L. White Says:

    Mach 28

  131. Zero Charisma Says:

    Spear Chucker Johnson

    /M*A*S*H’d

  132. twerp Says:

    Cop Speed. Is there really any other choice?

  133. Chest Rockwell Says:

    Mr. Kickass and/or Mr. Rubberburner

  134. SonOfSpam Says:

    Onion Belt

    (He is in style at this time)

  135. Forte Knox Says:

    Teal Tequila

    // They both keep Len Whale on the bench.

  136. Monday Night Marmalard Says:

    About-to-flame-out-after-a-heavy-load-season-like-Larry Johnson?

    Be-happy-he’s-on-your-fantasy-team-this-year-a-la-Priest-Holmes-or-Curtis-Martin-but-don’t-draft-him-high-next-year?

    Running Balls Deep?

  137. Shady Paz Says:

    Dread Runner: Return to Thunderdome

  138. clueheywood Says:

    Chief Running Black

  139. DanSnyder'sSoul Says:

    Chris Horton from the Redskins is ‘Predator.’

    I don’t care if he’s a safety on the Redskins, it’s his nickname damn it.

  140. MightyMightyMitzu Says:

    Is Slaveheart too racist? He does play in the South

  141. fortythree Says:

    His middle name is “duan”, so… Duan John

  142. whowillsexmutombo? Says:

    Osama Bin Laden.
    Because you can’t catch him.

  143. House of Lofty Passes Says:

    Cop Speed or Predator

  144. clueheywood Says:

    Minotaur

  145. Rowdy Roddy Peeper Says:

    Topher.

    A cracker name like that would send him into some kind of rage.

  146. scott baio yayo tornado Says:

    Flash Gorgon

  147. Rowdy Roddy Peeper Says:

    Rogar.

  148. Chim Richolds Says:

    Buh’wheat… amemba me?

    or

    Silky Johnson

  149. Monday Night Marmalard Says:

    Touchdown Muhammed

  150. ML Says:

    Blue Allah

    Cyclone

    Atomic Johnson (see, he’s explosive… and it’s a dick joke!!)

  151. whowillsexmutombo? Says:

    Crystal Meth.

  152. Cock Flashy Says:

    Something something Edgerrin James. But good.

  153. whatchatalkinboutwillis? Says:

    “> Purple Jesus”

  154. Extinct White Cornerback Says:

    The Tourette Jet
    Tics to TDs
    Stop Snitchin’ Start Twitchin’
    The Jerk

    Seriously? Not one reference to his possible Tourette syndrome?
    Visual evidence of said condition: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9f70HPV5qY

  155. Honey Mustard Says:

    Pawknives.

    original?

    Captain Pawknives?

  156. ravens are teh best Says:

    Purple Jesus and Christ Johnson.

    Needs one more for the holy trinity of defense rape.

  157. 4.2 Says:

    In my league he’s always been known simply as 4.2 (4 point 2) after he ran the 4.2 in the combine. Short, sweet and to the point.

  158. slim charles Says:

    Turdy.

    He shits on opponents.

  159. WideRight Says:

    Dredator

  160. Charlie Sweatpants Says:

    A quick Ctrl-F tells me that no one else has suggested this yet.

    In my fantasy league we’ve been calling him “Prawn” in honor of his bad ass namesake in “District 9″. Once you get used to using it as a proper noun it works well in sentences such as “Prawn shredded you”, “Prawn disintegrated you”, etcetera. And yes, Prawn terrifies the ever living shit out of everyone, so that fits too.

  161. Mo Charlo Says:

    Cashville Hope.

  162. Extinct White Cornerback Says:

    Oh, and…

    The Fast Twitch Muscle

  163. Fred Mitchell's Prime Says:

    Denzel Squashington.

    “You make sure they remember forever the night they played the Titans.”
    And the stadium should play “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” every time he scores.

  164. mcsey Says:

    The Rushtofarian FTW

  165. DeepFriar Says:

    CHRSN – even the name is pronounced fast

  166. Mo Charlo Says:

    Actually, just a simple “Cashville” works better.

  167. bluekirby Says:

    How bout “Lendale’s Twin”

    In the Arnold Schwarzenegger / Danny De Vito sense of the word.

  168. Forte Knox Says:

    @ Ravens…. don’t forget about “Breesus”

  169. M.A.S.H. Says:

    Smoke.

  170. Mo Charlo Says:

    LenWhale Wars

    Vince’s Dirtywork

  171. Joey Joe Joe Jr Shabadoo Says:

    “Cop Speed” wins.

  172. AP Says:

    Asphalt Cyanide

    I actually like that one….

  173. Mo Charlo Says:

    Chocolate Mousse

    (Anyone ever seen Top Secret?)

  174. WhaleCancer Says:

    Horse the Pussy Filler

  175. jackin'4beats Says:

    I loved Dolemite, but CJ should be “The Human Tornado”

    Other variations of names:

    Flash-bang Johnson
    And I’m out Johnson
    WOW WOW Johnson (for the kids)
    Whiplash Johnson
    The Black Mamba (because fuck Kobe that’s why)
    Half Man, Half Fast as Shit
    Big Baby Jesus Johnson
    Feet of Fury Johnson

  176. Human Mailbox Says:

    Cop Gear
    Spider Bags
    The Man 2nd Most Responsible For Making LenDale White Irrelevant, LenDale White Being The First

  177. 2Port Says:

    Pookie

  178. Upstate Underdog Says:

    this post needs a “we could do this all day” tag

  179. SRV Says:

    Max Power – the name that made Homer a major player in Springfield! “I got the name off of the hair dryer”

  180. Human Mailbox Says:

    If he has tourettes, FuckAss seems appropriate

  181. roy Says:

    The Matriculator

  182. sbarker15 Says:

    cop speed, duan, christ, or dread

  183. Mo Charlo Says:

    Robbin’ the Hood

  184. TBG Says:

    The Warhead

  185. joejoejoe Says:

    Christopher “Chris” Johnson

  186. Mo Charlo Says:

    Chris Partlow

  187. sbarker15 Says:

    “oh shit, it’s the five oh” johnson

  188. Blaytor Says:

    That’s “Mr. Gold Teef” to you.
    The Tennessee Steamer, ’cause he’s gonna knock the other team on its ass and take a dump on their chest.

  189. SRV Says:

    Max Power: Kids, there’s three ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way!
    Bart: Isn’t that the wrong way?
    Max Power: Yeah, but faster!

  190. ProfessorPher Says:

    The Electric Mayhem

  191. JohnnyDakotaStateU Says:

    The Fugitive

    he can’t be caught

  192. jackin'4beats Says:

    THAT GUY RIGHT THERE??? I’MA CALL HIM THE ACL SHREDDER!!!

    /Gruden’d

  193. Ace Rimmer Says:

    Black Elk Streaks
    Lion of Zion, TN

  194. JohnnyDakotaStateU Says:

    Lightning McPussyKing—”speed? I am speed”

  195. Beef and Barley Moe Says:

    Grape Drank Bandit

  196. barmelo Says:

    Blue Gaan-di
    Teef Beef
    Blue-Teeth
    Blue-Man Group

  197. JimHalpertSmirk Says:

    THIS GUY! I call him Bob Marley because he has dreadlocks, and i saw that bob marley had dreadlocks on some T-shirts kids had on while I was visiting a university one time.

    actually something about cop speed would be just fine.

  198. Outshined_One Says:

    A few MST3K Space Mutiny nicknames have been mentioned. More are needed.

    Punt Speedchunk
    Flint Ironstag
    Bolt Vanderhuge
    Blast Hardcheese
    Smash Lampjaw
    Dirk Hardpec
    Bob Johnson
    Blast Thickneck
    Smoke Manmuscle

    Thick McRunfast is probably the best one, though.

  199. RIP FF2009, eff u chris johnson Says:

    fantasy slayer

  200. Zach Says:

    @Ravens: Moses Jones-Drew?

  201. Joe Says:

    Prawn is pretty badass.

  202. Beef and Barley Moe Says:

    Watermelon Speedster

  203. Number Three Says:

    Goldmolar.

    I have to second Trogdor solely for the hope that they play the song every time he scores a touchdown.

  204. Beef and Barley Moe Says:

    Runs on Chicken Grease

  205. Beef and Barley Moe Says:

    Mr. Doesn’t Jew it Down the Field

  206. clueheywood Says:

    Brometheus

  207. Breesus Pieces Says:

    Whoopi Gold-dong

  208. Jo Stalin Says:

    DEVASTATOR

  209. waldo Says:

    TCB – Takin’ Care of Business
    You don’t hear about Chris Johnson. getting in trouble. You don’t see him making stupid alligator skin commercials like Purple Jesus. He’s just Takin’ Care of Business in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE.

  210. John Villarreal Says:

    Pacman Jones

  211. fatty mcgee Says:

    Ill Style with Extra Static

  212. Otto Man Says:

    Jesus, you people have been busy.

    No way I’m wading through that, but I am glad to see the obvious and righteous choice has already been named — Predator.

    You know when opposing teams see him they are (a) worried about how much clock they’re wasting while they bleed and (b) frantically trying to GET TO DA CHOPPAH!

  213. LaFarve's Next Drink Says:

    That Guy Johnson

  214. whowillsexmutombo? Says:

    Methamphetamine.
    Or Crystal Meth.

  215. MadWhiteGenius Says:

    Blue Fantastic

  216. Mr. Pilkington Says:

    Chris “Persephone” Johnson

    She was the Greek goddess of spring and rebirth. And get this: she was carried off to Hades by the king of the underworld. While there, she ate six pomegranates!

  217. clueheywood Says:

    Brometheus. He is a Titan who stole fire from the gods and gave it to mortals.

  218. Mike D Says:

    Just “Predator” is kinda lame. Rich Eisen could come up with that nickname in 3 seconds. Needs more KSK treatment.

    Tennessee’s official website is “TenneseeAnyTime.gov” so maybe something like

    Predator Any Time

    //less suckitude

  219. Cock Flashy Says:

    2000 yard johnson.

  220. Cock Flashy Says:

    NOT larry johnson.

  221. CobraCommander Says:

    “Thundering Hair”

  222. fallex Says:

    The Bluesmobile

    (it’s got a cop motor a 440 ci plant; it’s got cop shocks, cop tires, cop suspension, and its the year before catalytic converters so it runs good on regular gasoline)

  223. kalyarn Says:

    Dread Pirate Johnson
    Doom Machine
    DreadStar
    Professor Zoom

  224. Matt Says:

    Leon Black. Because he brings the ruckus.

  225. Soy Spartacus Says:

    Crack Daniels
    Black Daniels
    Kill Whitey
    Shaka Zulu

    or Black Dynamite (redband trailer is even better)

  226. Upstate Underdog Says:

    Do we have a winner yet?

  227. whowillsexmutombo? Says:

    Viagra.
    (It’s blue and it gives you a hard on.)

  228. LJ Says:

    Invisible Juice

  229. StiffRod Says:

    Cornrow Wallace.

  230. Marmalard's Mansack Says:

    Recap:

    Was leaning toward – Cop Speed

    But I really like – George Foreman

    And I wouldn’t cry about – Atomic Johnson, this one is pretty damn clever

  231. Pwnator Says:

    He already has a nickname, CJ4.24

  232. someone Says:

    the big blue graper

  233. Rowdy Roddy Peeper Says:

    Teeth Baron

  234. Jefferson Tardship Says:

    Cop Speed FTW

  235. Your Mom's Box Says:

    Blumpkinfarts

  236. Mo Charlo Says:

    The Weave

  237. Who Dey Says:

    “Powerthirst” Johnson

    Because he runs ABNORMALLY FAST.

    Or I guess we could go with SHOCKLATE.

  238. chaimy4life Says:

    The Dreaded Demon

  239. manghangson Says:

    Cuntsmasher

  240. RO Says:

    Blaximus

    Gold Rush

    Titanic Johnson

    America’s Most Wanted (AMD)

  241. kalyarn Says:

    BoomTube

  242. Bob Onnitt Says:

    Buckwheat

  243. Cayceecal Says:

    Chris ‘Not the Fat One’ Johnson

  244. Darkside of the dude Says:

    Dread scott

  245. Punch Rockgroin Says:

    Raymond Luxury Yacht

  246. 310ToJoba Says:

    Optimus Crime

  247. RO Says:

    America’s Most Wanted (AMW) not AMD

    THIS GUY, cannot type properly when he starts drinking at noon I tell ya.

  248. gimp Says:

    Shasta McNasty

  249. Monday Night Marmalard Says:

    Aw, shit… POWERTHIRST FTW!

  250. kalyarn Says:

    Professor Zoom
    DreadStar
    Doom Machine
    Dread Pirate Johnson

  251. Matt Casselhoff Says:

    I didnt see it listed (i’ll admit i scrolled down about half-way through) but how about:

    WHIPLASH

    or Blue Dey

  252. Dan Snyder's Waxed Taint Says:

    Tharock Mo’drama

  253. Mike D Says:

    This is like the greatest assemblage of minds ever in recorded history. Some epic posts here.

    Atomic Johnson is pretty damn good.

    Cop Speed had me from the start though…

  254. Gord Says:

    No Lube – because he pentrates so easily

  255. saltgravy Says:

    Dashville Hennessy is still my favorite.

  256. Shady Paz Says:

    Bruno Sammardingo

  257. Ace Rimmer Says:

    Or, to stay with the two themes of religion (Purple Jesus, Breesus) and sex (pretty much every post ever) that feature so strongly around here: Holy Fuck!

  258. Average Joe Says:

    Captain Dread
    Captain Flash

    He’s a pirate at heart

  259. Pigs Says:

    I’m going to pull a Berman and go:

    Chris “Lil” JOHNson

    Get it…because he’s black and has a golden grill and looks like Lil Jon. Mostly because he’s black.

    I’ll leave now.

  260. Mo Dred Says:

    Cop Speed and Rundingo make me lulz.

    “Down feel” as in Emmitt Smiff’s “masturbate the ball down feel”

  261. Plax Should Have Worn Zubaz Says:

    @Ron Dayne:

    Dexter St. Jacque

    /Eddie Murphy’d

  262. Upstate Underdog Says:

    o.k., my last one: Iron Mandingo

  263. Larry Foote's Left Foot Says:

    ALL THE WAY or FANTASY

  264. Kotter Says:

    BCN:

    Black Chuck Norris

    no more badass a man on the planet than Chuck.

  265. Farty McRablice Says:

    “Raped Ape” as in “That guy came running through the hole like a Raped Ape”

    “Ape Rape” would make a good alternative.

  266. jimmy Says:

    DonkeyDink

  267. seattlesuperchronics Says:

    The Darkness Monster
    Shawshank Redux
    Powder Blue Haze
    CJ Kush
    The Weapon of Ass Destruction
    Trap Star

  268. Jizzthrasher Says:

    To whoever said he’s going to fall off next year due to heavy workload:

    He averages <20 carries per game and is projected to finish with 315 attempts on the season. That's not a particularly large amount. The Larry Johnson comparison doesn't work because LJ finished with 416 (!!!!) carries in 2006, most all-time by any running back in a single season.

    I don't have a nickname suggestion because I am boring.

  269. Adam Wolf Schmidt Says:

    I’d like to second Blue Zeus.

  270. seattlesuperchronics Says:

    Scoots McGoots
    The Fantastic Mr. Johnson
    The Artist Formerly Known as Chris Johnson

  271. Ace Rimmer Says:

    Velociraptor Grape

    - He’s fast and he’ll fuck you up.

  272. Ben Says:

    The Blue Blur
    Fuck Me Johnson (because whenever he runs past, you go ‘fuck me!’)
    Snoop John
    Watermelon Ho’
    Someone Put KFC In The Endzone
    Shitkicker
    Thrilla Killa

    However, I still like Rocketcock

  273. TomSellecksMustache Says:

    Astroglide

    can fit a cadillac in a mailbox or a (chris) johnson in the endzone (or 2 hole)

  274. Woods' Other Driver Says:

    Stepdaddy Johnson – he beats you and you hate him

  275. BadgerDave Says:

    He said he’s every coach’s dream, so how about “Coach’s Wet Dream” or CWD?
    Sounds like some kind of fast acting pesticide or something!

  276. Area Man Says:

    Dong Johnson
    Coffee Black
    Chainsaw Johnson
    Spearchucker Johnson
    Ass Murderer
    WMD Johnson
    Ebola Johnson

    *tapping out now- We all know Cop Speed wins glans down

  277. earlers Says:

    Shhh Johnson.

  278. DrewBreeeeeeeeeees Says:

    Cocksmash McRapenstein
    Tennessee’s Widowmaker
    Stomping Babies
    The Grilled Up Face Masher

  279. The Gigolo Jimmy Del Ray Says:

    Gator Purify
    Latrell Speedwell

  280. Die Al Davis Die Says:

    how did Rushtoofarian not crush this? sad face

  281. Bum Phillips uglier brother Says:

    He actually has a nickname on the team, they call him Lil Ugly. I shit you negative.

  282. Dustin Says:

    The Music City Manhandler

  283. Robert Says:

    My fav is easily Christ Johnson.

    Going off the cthulu theme…

    Christhulhu? Chrisulhu?

  284. Da Church of Da Coach Says:

    The Kraken
    Blue Pegasus

    // Clash of the Titans FTW
    // Original was released on my 6th birthday

  285. SayTheNaynoe Says:

    Cheese

  286. Pinoy Titan Says:

    Touchdown Torpedo

    Blue Bullet

    Chris B.I.G. Johnson (Boom! I’m Gone.)

  287. Hasselpfeffer Says:

    The Fuck You Dreadnaught.

  288. spanky datass Says:

    Vhat’s eating Johnson?

  289. Millen's Eye For Talent Says:

    Defcon 1

  290. Drew Says:

    His: “Every Coach’s Dream”

    The Best: “Prawn”

    The Winner: “Cop Speed”

  291. phreshone Says:

    MOAB – Mother of All Backs
    The Nashville Annihilator
    VY’s Savior…

  292. City of Industry Football Corporation Says:

    Cock Puncher

  293. Wakipedia Says:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chris_Johnson_(running_back)

    Check out his wiki entry.

    Considered only a two-star recruit by Rivals.com, Johnson was not ranked among the nation’s top running back prospects in 2004.[3] He selected East Carolina over Eastern Kentucky and UConn.

    His drug abuse led to many doubts by recruiters. He also constantly masturbated between practices.
    /Snip

  294. roy Says:

    +10 Kill Whitey

  295. Matt Schaub's more talented brother Says:

    I like ‘Leeeroooy Jennnkinnns!!’, or maybe ‘Shaft’ – cause he’s one bad motherfu…
    Shut Your Mouth..
    Just talking bout Shaft

  296. Byron Dodd Says:

    Chris “First Step” Johnson ,cause if you don’t get him in the first steps,he’s gonna step all over your johnsons!!!!

  297. aunt baby Says:

    how about “chad” johnson?

  298. wich Says:

    Tecmo

  299. Jason Gatewood Says:

    Chris “Groove Daddy” Johnson, or Chris “Does Work” Johnson, or Chris “Dred-Slayer” Johnson, or Chris “Thunderfeet” Johnson, or Chris “the Gap Crusher” Johnson…I don’t know, I could make this stuff up all day

  300. Jason Gatewood Says:

    oooh, wait, how about… the Mastodon

  301. picklestick38 Says:

    Heavy Hustle
    Gale Force
    Goon Squad
    Chalkboard – when he touches the ball, you chalk up the points
    and my favourite:
    The Swiftness

  302. kush Says:

    GTP

    GOLDEN TOOTHED PREDATOR

  303. Colin Says:

    Four-two-itous J (forty time)

  304. whalen Says:

    I Shot the Sheriff
    (Bob Marley reference for the dreads, shot sheriff because he probably did)

  305. Colin Says:

    cookie chrisfp

  306. oiler2titan Says:

    Chris “Tick Tick” Johnson…. (because of his head tick and cause he is a time bomb waiting to explode on an 85+ yard run)

  307. Smiretime Says:

    Meast Master

  308. Mathemagician Says:

    Fantasy Football Serial Rapist

    /been raped twice by Chris Johnson this year in fantasy football
    //why in the fuck did I draft Michael Turner instead of him??

  309. doneycat Says:

    The love child of Mike Quick and Tootie from “The Facts of Life”

    (Mourn ya till I join ya, Messrs. Phil Hartman and Jimmy the Greek)

  310. russ Says:

    tick tick BOOM!
    tweak
    twitch
    dash – already was a nickname an still appropriate

  311. Plax's Owie Spot Says:

    Guys, I just wanted to say reading this drunk and jacked up on espresso makes it the most hilarious thing ever. Which I’m sure it would be if I was sober as a bird but whatever.

  312. Zornsbastardchild Says:

    Bob gnarley

  313. AvengingJackMurphy Says:

    Da Death Dose……because alliteration is befitting such a bastard of a back.

  314. Joe Says:

    Crackity Jones.

  315. sbarker15 Says:

    KFC-J

  316. Billy Bob Says:

    Tony Romo.

  317. Tom in Texas Says:

    Chris “Not shot to death or suffering a breakdown yet” Johnson

  318. Chut up Says:

    Warp Speed Johnson
    The Ultimate Johnson
    Macho Man CJ Savage
    Rick Flair Johnson
    Ravishing Chris Rude

  319. Troy Says:

    The Rasta Rocket
    No Name, No Prisioners Johnson

  320. coyote uuggly Says:

    Killa Grilla
    TennesseeULater
    Powder Blue Flash

  321. Colin Says:

    Megalon. You know, from godzirra

  322. Josh Jones Says:

    Whoopi’s Romper

    (Cuz he looks like he could be a psychic in Ghost)

  323. picklestick38 Says:

    Chris “IFYD” Jonhson

    Chris “I Fucked Your Defence” Johnson

  324. Brian Says:

    WWCJD – what would chris johnson do?

  325. Millen's Eye For Talent Says:

    Chris “Teeth Bling” Johnson

  326. Millen's Eye For Talent Says:

    @Josh Jones

    Chris “Oda Mae” Johnson?

  327. chris johnson as a second language Says:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_d4wOUC254

    this.

  328. boodogg Says:

    Dr. McSilkfist

  329. shitdick Says:

    Cool Runnings

  330. perky cath Says:

    worf

  331. Walt Says:

    CJ Swift

  332. Jeff Says:

    Aqua Jesus

  333. Bobafet7 Says:

    He’s gone into…plaid

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mk7VWcuVOf0&feature=related

  334. Emmitt's Verbal Blunders Says:

    Cop Speed Dos Ocho

  335. rikky_oh Says:

    Blitzkrieg

  336. mrejr8234 Says:

    Zombie Bob Marley. Zombie Bob for short. he is zombie fast and has dreads like bob marley. i win.

  337. N00bie Says:

    Prawn – Like that badass alien ‘Chris Johnson’ in district 9 :D

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