This Man Deserves The Badassest Nickname Humanly Possible
This is Chris Johnson. Right now, Chris Johnson is, hands down the best running back in football. I mean, really. HOLY FUCKING SHIT, this man is a beast. He averages 6.4 yards a carry. He could easily top 2,000 yards by year’s end. The idea of facing him in fantasy makes my balls quiver. The man is a badass.
But he’s got no nickname. We can’t let this shit stand. A player this awesome deserves a handle worthy of his play. So we a KSK came together (an ideation!) and tried to come up with a name for Johnson that would stick. Here was that list:
-CJ
-Magic Johnson
-Powder Blue Jesus
As you can see, we failed miserably. But then we snorted Ritalin, and gave it another go:
-Cop Speed
-Long Johnson
-Dashville Hennessy
-Junebug
-Black Dwarf
-Judge Dreads
-Tosh.go
Okay, those are also all fairly weak. Except Cop Speed. So we need your help. In the comments, give us your best nicknames possible for Chris Johnson. Something cool, like Rocketcock. I dunno. GO NUTS. Winning name gets enshrined in KSK lore forevermore. Go, go!
Tags: naming contests
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
December 1st, 2009 at 11:47 am
Wide nose havin’ black magic evil motherfucker.
/Charlie Murphy’d
December 1st, 2009 at 11:50 am
I think that Redskins third string RB has a cool name. Rock Cartwright. Let’s just give Johnson his name.
December 1st, 2009 at 11:51 am
How about: “I drafted him in the 8th round of my keeper league last year and when Lendale was vulturing touchdowns traded him for Plaxico because I’m an idiot.”
December 1st, 2009 at 11:52 am
Crisp Johnson
December 1st, 2009 at 11:52 am
Rage Wookie
December 1st, 2009 at 11:53 am
I like CJ, but Peyton would have been a better choice here.
December 1st, 2009 at 11:55 am
YARD RAPER
December 1st, 2009 at 11:55 am
Christ Johnson
Titan-ium
Sperminator
December 1st, 2009 at 11:56 am
Run Tenn Tenn
December 1st, 2009 at 11:56 am
Rushtoofarian.
December 1st, 2009 at 11:57 am
Big Johnson
December 1st, 2009 at 11:57 am
Joe Kickass
or
Mr. Plow
December 1st, 2009 at 11:58 am
Horse Cock.
Though maybe not the best idea considering where Horse Balls Anderson’s career went.
December 1st, 2009 at 11:59 am
Vagic Johnson
/fucks off…
December 1st, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Dickstomp McPunchface
December 1st, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Usain Johnson
Chris Bolt
December 1st, 2009 at 12:00 pm
King Dong
Black Cyanide
December 1st, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Real Beast Mode.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:02 pm
The Juggernaut.
based off the popular youtube”I’m the Juggernaut, bitch” video!
December 1st, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Grill Daddy
Flash Golden
Predator
December 1st, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Chris “C.O.D.” Johnson ….. cause that man’s Cash on Delivery
December 1st, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Catastrophe. Also, props on his alma mater for having the world’s most badass midfield logo: http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/fieldyarrr.jpg
December 1st, 2009 at 12:04 pm
The badassest nickname is “the Axe Murderer,” which is currently held by W. Silva. I can’t think of anything that quickly sums up badassery better than “the Axe Murderer.” We must figure out a way to strip Silva of the title and give it to Chris “abnormally fast” Johnson.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Flash
December 1st, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Dr. Teef
White Shoes
December 1st, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Chris “Crisco” Johnson …… he’s slick like that.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:09 pm
… and deep fries defenses
December 1st, 2009 at 12:09 pm
The Weekly Measter
Seperated at birth from Edgerrin James (The Edge, as he likes to be called).
December 1st, 2009 at 12:09 pm
….. and he prolly likes chicken
December 1st, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Black Snake Moan
December 1st, 2009 at 12:10 pm
TitanTron
Gone Johnson
Speedy Johnzalez (OK, that one is just for shits and giggles)
December 1st, 2009 at 12:10 pm
The Real Killer
December 1st, 2009 at 12:11 pm
Mr. Gash
December 1st, 2009 at 12:11 pm
Bad Trip
Riot Spray
December 1st, 2009 at 12:11 pm
Rundingo
December 1st, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Blur
Vapor
Big
… Johnson
December 1st, 2009 at 12:13 pm
I think Cop Speed is the winner.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:13 pm
The Bullet Train/ Nashville Express
Tenneseeyoulatermotherfuckers
December 1st, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Grand Ol’ Copspeed
December 1st, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Blue Magic
Tennessee Six Shooter
Stylez G. White
December 1st, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Bronson Thundercock
December 1st, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Umm… from wikipedia:
Christopher Duan Johnson (born September 23, 1985 in Orlando, Florida) is an American football running back for the Tennessee Titans of the National Football League. He was drafted by the Titans 24th overall in the 2008 NFL Draft. He played college football at East Carolina.
DUAN!
that’s all i got
December 1st, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Rocketcock!
December 1st, 2009 at 12:17 pm
The MinuteMan. In less than a minute he can leave your life ruined and you in tears.
/Much like me in bed
//Shows self out
December 1st, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Rip Steakface
December 1st, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Gold Teef
December 1st, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Whatever the opposite of Chris Berman’s (WHOOP!) first inclination is.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:19 pm
80-Yard Johnson
December 1st, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Maximum Warp
December 1st, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Christ Johnson would be my favorite. Or maybe Smash Dash Johnson since LenDale White is no longer useful in this RB duo.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Gold Teefus
December 1st, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Silky Johnson
Golden Teef
December 1st, 2009 at 12:22 pm
THAT GUY is an all around ballplayer. THIS GUY can hit top speed in 1/2 a step and make THESE GUYS on defense look like THOSE GUYS you don’t want to be. For what THIS GUY does to THOSE GUYS w/ THESE GUYS i’ll call THAT GUY …….
Chris “Can’t Touch My” Johnson.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Optimus Prime
December 1st, 2009 at 12:23 pm
D-raper
December 1st, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Blue Kronos
Slab Bulkhead
December 1st, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Cockjets!
December 1st, 2009 at 12:25 pm
The Runegade
The Music City Mirage
The Music City Marauder
Gone Country
The Dread Headed Stranger
(ok, I’m out of Nashville/C&W references)
December 1st, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Chril ‘Jon
The gangstaness of CHUH CHUH
The intensity of MARION MOTHERFUCKIN BARBER
The simplicity of BIKEBIKEBIKEBIKE
December 1st, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Wackadoo Johnson
Electric Dream Machine
December 1st, 2009 at 12:26 pm
SCB – Super Chocolate Bear
December 1st, 2009 at 12:26 pm
The Beast.
Super Freak
The Ghost
The Streak
Greased Lighting.
Kajay
Big Dick Johnson
well…thats all i got for now…
December 1st, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Black Death
December 1st, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Grateful Dread
December 1st, 2009 at 12:27 pm
- Hairy McScrunchyface
- Tennessee Sackbeard
- Medusa
December 1st, 2009 at 12:27 pm
I second: The Predator.
It’s the dreads. Plus, the football playin’ stuff.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Binky
December 1st, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Titan Maximum
Murderface
December 1st, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Voodoo
Anti-Ziggy Marley
Wrecking Balls
December 1st, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Blade Runner
Trogdor the Burninator
George Foreman (’cause he’s got a badass grille)
Rush Limbaugh
December 1st, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Thumbs down on the Predator…That’s Larry Fitzgerald’s handle
December 1st, 2009 at 12:29 pm
MondayTuesdayWednesdayThursdayFridaySaturdaySunday
It’s identifiable.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Permenant Meast.
Or dos ocho…I think that’s original
December 1st, 2009 at 12:30 pm
I have to agree with SILKY JOHNSON, cuz if he ain’t on your team, you’re all hatin’ on Silky!
Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate!
December 1st, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Jet Stream Johnson.
Rocket Man.
The Executioner, because he puts fantasy teams out of their misery.
He Who Sprints.
Cha-Ching.
Thrills My Johnson.
/vodka wearing off, going to stop.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Painkilla
December 1st, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Cop Speed is a personal favorite.
Blue Moses (parts the Red Sea of defenders, and much like Purple Jesus, puts the fear of God into you if your opponent has him in fantasy)
December 1st, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Tough Gong
December 1st, 2009 at 12:32 pm
robo-cock
December 1st, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Dreadnaught.
Criminal Speed.
Gone Johnson.
/leaves room.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:34 pm
OBMF One Badass Mother Fucker
December 1st, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Chris “Yom Kippur” Johnson.
(Because he fast. Heh heh.)
December 1st, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Orthodontious
December 1st, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Bluedream
December 1st, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Nastooth McFastafarian?
December 1st, 2009 at 12:35 pm
28 Problems.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:35 pm
The Gasher
Teddy Ruxpin
No…just The Gasher.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:35 pm
siege-j
badass.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:36 pm
289, or BAMF (bass ass mother fucker), rolls of the tongue easier.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Stuff White People Like
December 1st, 2009 at 12:36 pm
To second Signal to Noise:
Powder-Blue Moses
December 1st, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Motherfucker.
Because he’s fast as a motherfucker.
And also, he’ll probably fuck your mother.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Nashville Pussymangler
(after the band, Nashville Pussy)
December 1st, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Forrest.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:37 pm
I second grateful dread. A-hes got dreadlocks, B- He’s got pot smoker all over him, C- everyone dreads playing him.
/ feels like an even bigger dork for saying above things.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Rockhard Johnson
December 1st, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Tracy Chapman.
(It’s got at least 2 meanings! It’s deep! It’s thoughtful!)
//I’m done now.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Can’t remember where, but I heard him referred to as Sonic the Hedgehog recently and liked the sound of it. Variations like Sonic or Sonic Boom could also work.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Biggus Chrisus
December 1st, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Sunny Crockett or Nash Bridges (Duan Johnson)
Choledochojejunostomy-also known as CDJ, anastomosis of the bile duct to the jejunum. No idea what it means, but it sounds NASTY, just like it’s owner.
John Roberts (chief justice)
December 1st, 2009 at 12:39 pm
My faves so far:
Rushtoofarian for the talking heads, Cop Speed for the hoi polloi. The Predator is still up for grabs, everyone knows Larry is Fitzhulu.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:39 pm
In Nashville he’s called “Four Two Seven” or “Mr. Four Two Seven”
Other names:
Sick-speed
Juke Johnson
Cristal
Bocephus
Big & Rich
CJ Swift (I’mma let u finish but Stephen Jackson is the best running back)
December 1st, 2009 at 12:39 pm
@Stanford Reject Hey wait a second…
December 1st, 2009 at 12:39 pm
the predator
December 1st, 2009 at 12:39 pm
lol @ murderface, although they do share a resemblance…
http://i409.photobucket.com/albums/pp175/smcgizzle/murderface.jpg
December 1st, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Ludacris Speed
Ghostface Grillah
December 1st, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Flash Rape
Speed Rape
Bullet Rape
Bullet Cock
Black Cock
Black Rape
December 1st, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Thumphole Crunkman
Apparently he calls himself “Every Coach’s Dream.”
/not prepared to call anything chris johnson says does “gay”
You know what would be just great? If Hugh Douglas hadn’t called himself The Badassador. Hugh Douglas was not The Badassador. Chris Johnson is The Badassador.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:40 pm
cornelious thundercock
December 1st, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Chrisco…to slippery to tackle.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Chtulhu
December 1st, 2009 at 12:41 pm
C-Pain
December 1st, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Balls Johnson.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Chris “Ludicrous Speed” Johnson
He’s gone to plaid!
December 1st, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Run, you beautiful bastard, run.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Bulk Ironstag
Big McLargehuge
and the best of the Space Mutiny nicknames: Thick Mcrunfast
December 1st, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Snake Dick! Fuck Owen Daniels. Chris Johnson is Snake Dick!
December 1st, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Dash
December 1st, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Tracer Bullet Says:
December 1st, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Dr. Teef
Winner.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Flyin’ Dingo McCracken
December 1st, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Blue Zeus
December 1st, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Black Hercules
December 1st, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Guy-Tennessee-fans-will-root-for-on-the-field-but-won’t-let-near-their-daughters
Or does that cover all minority players?
December 1st, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Shredder.
Because look what he’s doing to NFL defenses.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Apeshit
December 1st, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Titanic Load
(may have to pay royalties to Brazzers)
December 1st, 2009 at 12:46 pm
either “slave feet” or “teal mohammad”
December 1st, 2009 at 12:48 pm
I’m another vote for “The Rushtofarian”
December 1st, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Blast Furnace
The Decimator
Load Runner
Flash Johnson
Honkey Kong (potential Toby Gerhart nickname)
December 1st, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Mach 28
December 1st, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Spear Chucker Johnson
/M*A*S*H’d
December 1st, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Cop Speed. Is there really any other choice?
December 1st, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Mr. Kickass and/or Mr. Rubberburner
December 1st, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Onion Belt
(He is in style at this time)
December 1st, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Teal Tequila
// They both keep Len Whale on the bench.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:51 pm
About-to-flame-out-after-a-heavy-load-season-like-Larry Johnson?
Be-happy-he’s-on-your-fantasy-team-this-year-a-la-Priest-Holmes-or-Curtis-Martin-but-don’t-draft-him-high-next-year?
Running Balls Deep?
December 1st, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Dread Runner: Return to Thunderdome
December 1st, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Chief Running Black
December 1st, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Chris Horton from the Redskins is ‘Predator.’
I don’t care if he’s a safety on the Redskins, it’s his nickname damn it.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Is Slaveheart too racist? He does play in the South
December 1st, 2009 at 12:53 pm
His middle name is “duan”, so… Duan John
December 1st, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Osama Bin Laden.
Because you can’t catch him.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Cop Speed or Predator
December 1st, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Minotaur
December 1st, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Topher.
A cracker name like that would send him into some kind of rage.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:59 pm
Flash Gorgon
December 1st, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Rogar.
December 1st, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Buh’wheat… amemba me?
or
Silky Johnson
December 1st, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Touchdown Muhammed
December 1st, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Blue Allah
Cyclone
Atomic Johnson (see, he’s explosive… and it’s a dick joke!!)
December 1st, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Crystal Meth.
December 1st, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Something something Edgerrin James. But good.
December 1st, 2009 at 1:03 pm
“> Purple Jesus”
December 1st, 2009 at 1:03 pm
The Tourette Jet
Tics to TDs
Stop Snitchin’ Start Twitchin’
The Jerk
Seriously? Not one reference to his possible Tourette syndrome?
Visual evidence of said condition: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9f70HPV5qY
December 1st, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Pawknives.
original?
Captain Pawknives?
December 1st, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Purple Jesus and Christ Johnson.
Needs one more for the holy trinity of defense rape.
December 1st, 2009 at 1:05 pm
In my league he’s always been known simply as 4.2 (4 point 2) after he ran the 4.2 in the combine. Short, sweet and to the point.
December 1st, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Turdy.
He shits on opponents.
December 1st, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Dredator
December 1st, 2009 at 1:06 pm
A quick Ctrl-F tells me that no one else has suggested this yet.
In my fantasy league we’ve been calling him “Prawn” in honor of his bad ass namesake in “District 9″. Once you get used to using it as a proper noun it works well in sentences such as “Prawn shredded you”, “Prawn disintegrated you”, etcetera. And yes, Prawn terrifies the ever living shit out of everyone, so that fits too.
December 1st, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Cashville Hope.
December 1st, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Oh, and…
The Fast Twitch Muscle
December 1st, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Denzel Squashington.
“You make sure they remember forever the night they played the Titans.”
And the stadium should play “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” every time he scores.
December 1st, 2009 at 1:10 pm
The Rushtofarian FTW
December 1st, 2009 at 1:10 pm
CHRSN – even the name is pronounced fast
December 1st, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Actually, just a simple “Cashville” works better.
December 1st, 2009 at 1:13 pm
How bout “Lendale’s Twin”
In the Arnold Schwarzenegger / Danny De Vito sense of the word.
December 1st, 2009 at 1:13 pm
@ Ravens…. don’t forget about “Breesus”
December 1st, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Smoke.
December 1st, 2009 at 1:15 pm
LenWhale Wars
Vince’s Dirtywork
December 1st, 2009 at 1:15 pm
“Cop Speed” wins.
December 1st, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Asphalt Cyanide
I actually like that one….
December 1st, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Chocolate Mousse
(Anyone ever seen Top Secret?)
December 1st, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Horse the Pussy Filler
December 1st, 2009 at 1:16 pm
I loved Dolemite, but CJ should be “The Human Tornado”
Other variations of names:
Flash-bang Johnson
And I’m out Johnson
WOW WOW Johnson (for the kids)
Whiplash Johnson
The Black Mamba (because fuck Kobe that’s why)
Half Man, Half Fast as Shit
Big Baby Jesus Johnson
Feet of Fury Johnson
December 1st, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Cop Gear
Spider Bags
The Man 2nd Most Responsible For Making LenDale White Irrelevant, LenDale White Being The First
December 1st, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Pookie
December 1st, 2009 at 1:18 pm
this post needs a “we could do this all day” tag
December 1st, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Max Power – the name that made Homer a major player in Springfield! “I got the name off of the hair dryer”
December 1st, 2009 at 1:19 pm
If he has tourettes, FuckAss seems appropriate
December 1st, 2009 at 1:20 pm
The Matriculator
December 1st, 2009 at 1:21 pm
cop speed, duan, christ, or dread
December 1st, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Robbin’ the Hood
December 1st, 2009 at 1:22 pm
The Warhead
December 1st, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Christopher “Chris” Johnson
December 1st, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Chris Partlow
December 1st, 2009 at 1:24 pm
“oh shit, it’s the five oh” johnson
December 1st, 2009 at 1:25 pm
That’s “Mr. Gold Teef” to you.
The Tennessee Steamer, ’cause he’s gonna knock the other team on its ass and take a dump on their chest.
December 1st, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Max Power: Kids, there’s three ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way!
Bart: Isn’t that the wrong way?
Max Power: Yeah, but faster!
December 1st, 2009 at 1:26 pm
The Electric Mayhem
December 1st, 2009 at 1:27 pm
The Fugitive
he can’t be caught
December 1st, 2009 at 1:27 pm
THAT GUY RIGHT THERE??? I’MA CALL HIM THE ACL SHREDDER!!!
/Gruden’d
December 1st, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Black Elk Streaks
Lion of Zion, TN
December 1st, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Lightning McPussyKing—”speed? I am speed”
December 1st, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Grape Drank Bandit
December 1st, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Blue Gaan-di
Teef Beef
Blue-Teeth
Blue-Man Group
December 1st, 2009 at 1:30 pm
THIS GUY! I call him Bob Marley because he has dreadlocks, and i saw that bob marley had dreadlocks on some T-shirts kids had on while I was visiting a university one time.
actually something about cop speed would be just fine.
December 1st, 2009 at 1:30 pm
A few MST3K Space Mutiny nicknames have been mentioned. More are needed.
Punt Speedchunk
Flint Ironstag
Bolt Vanderhuge
Blast Hardcheese
Smash Lampjaw
Dirk Hardpec
Bob Johnson
Blast Thickneck
Smoke Manmuscle
Thick McRunfast is probably the best one, though.
December 1st, 2009 at 1:30 pm
fantasy slayer
December 1st, 2009 at 1:31 pm
@Ravens: Moses Jones-Drew?
December 1st, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Prawn is pretty badass.
December 1st, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Watermelon Speedster
December 1st, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Goldmolar.
I have to second Trogdor solely for the hope that they play the song every time he scores a touchdown.
December 1st, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Runs on Chicken Grease
December 1st, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Mr. Doesn’t Jew it Down the Field
December 1st, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Brometheus
December 1st, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Whoopi Gold-dong
December 1st, 2009 at 1:35 pm
DEVASTATOR
December 1st, 2009 at 1:35 pm
TCB – Takin’ Care of Business
You don’t hear about Chris Johnson. getting in trouble. You don’t see him making stupid alligator skin commercials like Purple Jesus. He’s just Takin’ Care of Business in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE.
December 1st, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Pacman Jones
December 1st, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Ill Style with Extra Static
December 1st, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Jesus, you people have been busy.
No way I’m wading through that, but I am glad to see the obvious and righteous choice has already been named — Predator.
You know when opposing teams see him they are (a) worried about how much clock they’re wasting while they bleed and (b) frantically trying to GET TO DA CHOPPAH!
December 1st, 2009 at 1:37 pm
That Guy Johnson
December 1st, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Methamphetamine.
Or Crystal Meth.
December 1st, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Blue Fantastic
December 1st, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Chris “Persephone” Johnson
She was the Greek goddess of spring and rebirth. And get this: she was carried off to Hades by the king of the underworld. While there, she ate six pomegranates!
December 1st, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Brometheus. He is a Titan who stole fire from the gods and gave it to mortals.
December 1st, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Just “Predator” is kinda lame. Rich Eisen could come up with that nickname in 3 seconds. Needs more KSK treatment.
Tennessee’s official website is “TenneseeAnyTime.gov” so maybe something like
Predator Any Time
//less suckitude
December 1st, 2009 at 1:44 pm
2000 yard johnson.
December 1st, 2009 at 1:45 pm
NOT larry johnson.
December 1st, 2009 at 1:45 pm
“Thundering Hair”
December 1st, 2009 at 1:45 pm
The Bluesmobile
(it’s got a cop motor a 440 ci plant; it’s got cop shocks, cop tires, cop suspension, and its the year before catalytic converters so it runs good on regular gasoline)
December 1st, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Dread Pirate Johnson
Doom Machine
DreadStar
Professor Zoom
December 1st, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Leon Black. Because he brings the ruckus.
December 1st, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Crack Daniels
Black Daniels
Kill Whitey
Shaka Zulu
or Black Dynamite (redband trailer is even better)
December 1st, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Do we have a winner yet?
December 1st, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Viagra.
(It’s blue and it gives you a hard on.)
December 1st, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Invisible Juice
December 1st, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Cornrow Wallace.
December 1st, 2009 at 1:55 pm
Recap:
Was leaning toward – Cop Speed
But I really like – George Foreman
And I wouldn’t cry about – Atomic Johnson, this one is pretty damn clever
December 1st, 2009 at 1:55 pm
He already has a nickname, CJ4.24
December 1st, 2009 at 1:55 pm
the big blue graper
December 1st, 2009 at 1:55 pm
Teeth Baron
December 1st, 2009 at 1:55 pm
Cop Speed FTW
December 1st, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Blumpkinfarts
December 1st, 2009 at 1:58 pm
The Weave
December 1st, 2009 at 2:00 pm
“Powerthirst” Johnson
Because he runs ABNORMALLY FAST.
Or I guess we could go with SHOCKLATE.
December 1st, 2009 at 2:01 pm
The Dreaded Demon
December 1st, 2009 at 2:01 pm
Cuntsmasher
December 1st, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Blaximus
Gold Rush
Titanic Johnson
America’s Most Wanted (AMD)
December 1st, 2009 at 2:04 pm
BoomTube
December 1st, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Buckwheat
December 1st, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Chris ‘Not the Fat One’ Johnson
December 1st, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Dread scott
December 1st, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Raymond Luxury Yacht
December 1st, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Optimus Crime
December 1st, 2009 at 2:08 pm
America’s Most Wanted (AMW) not AMD
THIS GUY, cannot type properly when he starts drinking at noon I tell ya.
December 1st, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Shasta McNasty
December 1st, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Aw, shit… POWERTHIRST FTW!
December 1st, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Professor Zoom
DreadStar
Doom Machine
Dread Pirate Johnson
December 1st, 2009 at 2:13 pm
I didnt see it listed (i’ll admit i scrolled down about half-way through) but how about:
WHIPLASH
or Blue Dey
December 1st, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Tharock Mo’drama
December 1st, 2009 at 2:16 pm
This is like the greatest assemblage of minds ever in recorded history. Some epic posts here.
Atomic Johnson is pretty damn good.
Cop Speed had me from the start though…
December 1st, 2009 at 2:16 pm
No Lube – because he pentrates so easily
December 1st, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Dashville Hennessy is still my favorite.
December 1st, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Bruno Sammardingo
December 1st, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Or, to stay with the two themes of religion (Purple Jesus, Breesus) and sex (pretty much every post ever) that feature so strongly around here: Holy Fuck!
December 1st, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Captain Dread
Captain Flash
He’s a pirate at heart
December 1st, 2009 at 2:26 pm
I’m going to pull a Berman and go:
Chris “Lil” JOHNson
Get it…because he’s black and has a golden grill and looks like Lil Jon. Mostly because he’s black.
I’ll leave now.
December 1st, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Cop Speed and Rundingo make me lulz.
“Down feel” as in Emmitt Smiff’s “masturbate the ball down feel”
December 1st, 2009 at 2:28 pm
@Ron Dayne:
Dexter St. Jacque
/Eddie Murphy’d
December 1st, 2009 at 2:29 pm
o.k., my last one: Iron Mandingo
December 1st, 2009 at 2:29 pm
ALL THE WAY or FANTASY
December 1st, 2009 at 2:29 pm
BCN:
Black Chuck Norris
no more badass a man on the planet than Chuck.
December 1st, 2009 at 2:30 pm
“Raped Ape” as in “That guy came running through the hole like a Raped Ape”
“Ape Rape” would make a good alternative.
December 1st, 2009 at 2:32 pm
DonkeyDink
December 1st, 2009 at 2:40 pm
The Darkness Monster
Shawshank Redux
Powder Blue Haze
CJ Kush
The Weapon of Ass Destruction
Trap Star
December 1st, 2009 at 2:41 pm
To whoever said he’s going to fall off next year due to heavy workload:
He averages <20 carries per game and is projected to finish with 315 attempts on the season. That's not a particularly large amount. The Larry Johnson comparison doesn't work because LJ finished with 416 (!!!!) carries in 2006, most all-time by any running back in a single season.
I don't have a nickname suggestion because I am boring.
December 1st, 2009 at 2:42 pm
I’d like to second Blue Zeus.
December 1st, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Scoots McGoots
The Fantastic Mr. Johnson
The Artist Formerly Known as Chris Johnson
December 1st, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Velociraptor Grape
- He’s fast and he’ll fuck you up.
December 1st, 2009 at 2:49 pm
The Blue Blur
Fuck Me Johnson (because whenever he runs past, you go ‘fuck me!’)
Snoop John
Watermelon Ho’
Someone Put KFC In The Endzone
Shitkicker
Thrilla Killa
However, I still like Rocketcock
December 1st, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Astroglide
can fit a cadillac in a mailbox or a (chris) johnson in the endzone (or 2 hole)
December 1st, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Stepdaddy Johnson – he beats you and you hate him
December 1st, 2009 at 3:06 pm
He said he’s every coach’s dream, so how about “Coach’s Wet Dream” or CWD?
Sounds like some kind of fast acting pesticide or something!
December 1st, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Dong Johnson
Coffee Black
Chainsaw Johnson
Spearchucker Johnson
Ass Murderer
WMD Johnson
Ebola Johnson
*tapping out now- We all know Cop Speed wins glans down
December 1st, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Shhh Johnson.
December 1st, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Cocksmash McRapenstein
Tennessee’s Widowmaker
Stomping Babies
The Grilled Up Face Masher
December 1st, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Gator Purify
Latrell Speedwell
December 1st, 2009 at 3:41 pm
how did Rushtoofarian not crush this? sad face
December 1st, 2009 at 3:50 pm
He actually has a nickname on the team, they call him Lil Ugly. I shit you negative.
December 1st, 2009 at 3:59 pm
The Music City Manhandler
December 1st, 2009 at 4:02 pm
My fav is easily Christ Johnson.
Going off the cthulu theme…
Christhulhu? Chrisulhu?
December 1st, 2009 at 4:10 pm
The Kraken
Blue Pegasus
// Clash of the Titans FTW
// Original was released on my 6th birthday
December 1st, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Cheese
December 1st, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Touchdown Torpedo
Blue Bullet
Chris B.I.G. Johnson (Boom! I’m Gone.)
December 1st, 2009 at 4:28 pm
The Fuck You Dreadnaught.
December 1st, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Vhat’s eating Johnson?
December 1st, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Defcon 1
December 1st, 2009 at 4:53 pm
His: “Every Coach’s Dream”
The Best: “Prawn”
The Winner: “Cop Speed”
December 1st, 2009 at 5:02 pm
MOAB – Mother of All Backs
The Nashville Annihilator
VY’s Savior…
December 1st, 2009 at 5:27 pm
Cock Puncher
December 1st, 2009 at 5:38 pm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chris_Johnson_(running_back)
Check out his wiki entry.
Considered only a two-star recruit by Rivals.com, Johnson was not ranked among the nation’s top running back prospects in 2004.[3] He selected East Carolina over Eastern Kentucky and UConn.
His drug abuse led to many doubts by recruiters. He also constantly masturbated between practices.
/Snip
December 1st, 2009 at 6:03 pm
+10 Kill Whitey
December 1st, 2009 at 6:12 pm
I like ‘Leeeroooy Jennnkinnns!!’, or maybe ‘Shaft’ – cause he’s one bad motherfu…
Shut Your Mouth..
Just talking bout Shaft
December 1st, 2009 at 6:52 pm
Chris “First Step” Johnson ,cause if you don’t get him in the first steps,he’s gonna step all over your johnsons!!!!
December 1st, 2009 at 6:58 pm
how about “chad” johnson?
December 1st, 2009 at 6:59 pm
Tecmo
December 1st, 2009 at 7:24 pm
Chris “Groove Daddy” Johnson, or Chris “Does Work” Johnson, or Chris “Dred-Slayer” Johnson, or Chris “Thunderfeet” Johnson, or Chris “the Gap Crusher” Johnson…I don’t know, I could make this stuff up all day
December 1st, 2009 at 7:26 pm
oooh, wait, how about… the Mastodon
December 1st, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Heavy Hustle
Gale Force
Goon Squad
Chalkboard – when he touches the ball, you chalk up the points
and my favourite:
The Swiftness
December 1st, 2009 at 7:43 pm
GTP
GOLDEN TOOTHED PREDATOR
December 1st, 2009 at 8:01 pm
Four-two-itous J (forty time)
December 1st, 2009 at 9:03 pm
I Shot the Sheriff
(Bob Marley reference for the dreads, shot sheriff because he probably did)
December 1st, 2009 at 9:06 pm
cookie chrisfp
December 1st, 2009 at 9:20 pm
Chris “Tick Tick” Johnson…. (because of his head tick and cause he is a time bomb waiting to explode on an 85+ yard run)
December 1st, 2009 at 10:26 pm
Meast Master
December 1st, 2009 at 10:51 pm
Fantasy Football Serial Rapist
/been raped twice by Chris Johnson this year in fantasy football
//why in the fuck did I draft Michael Turner instead of him??
December 1st, 2009 at 10:55 pm
The love child of Mike Quick and Tootie from “The Facts of Life”
(Mourn ya till I join ya, Messrs. Phil Hartman and Jimmy the Greek)
December 1st, 2009 at 11:47 pm
tick tick BOOM!
tweak
twitch
dash – already was a nickname an still appropriate
December 2nd, 2009 at 12:02 am
Guys, I just wanted to say reading this drunk and jacked up on espresso makes it the most hilarious thing ever. Which I’m sure it would be if I was sober as a bird but whatever.
December 2nd, 2009 at 12:14 am
Bob gnarley
December 2nd, 2009 at 12:27 am
Da Death Dose……because alliteration is befitting such a bastard of a back.
December 2nd, 2009 at 12:36 am
Crackity Jones.
December 2nd, 2009 at 1:12 am
KFC-J
December 2nd, 2009 at 1:21 am
Tony Romo.
December 2nd, 2009 at 3:09 am
Chris “Not shot to death or suffering a breakdown yet” Johnson
December 2nd, 2009 at 9:09 am
Warp Speed Johnson
The Ultimate Johnson
Macho Man CJ Savage
Rick Flair Johnson
Ravishing Chris Rude
December 2nd, 2009 at 9:19 am
The Rasta Rocket
No Name, No Prisioners Johnson
December 2nd, 2009 at 10:57 am
Killa Grilla
TennesseeULater
Powder Blue Flash
December 2nd, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Megalon. You know, from godzirra
December 2nd, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Whoopi’s Romper
(Cuz he looks like he could be a psychic in Ghost)
December 2nd, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Chris “IFYD” Jonhson
Chris “I Fucked Your Defence” Johnson
December 2nd, 2009 at 3:58 pm
WWCJD – what would chris johnson do?
December 2nd, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Chris “Teeth Bling” Johnson
December 2nd, 2009 at 5:30 pm
@Josh Jones
Chris “Oda Mae” Johnson?
December 2nd, 2009 at 11:32 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_d4wOUC254
this.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:48 am
Dr. McSilkfist
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:50 am
Cool Runnings
December 3rd, 2009 at 9:44 am
worf
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:18 pm
CJ Swift
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Aqua Jesus
December 3rd, 2009 at 4:24 pm
He’s gone into…plaid
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mk7VWcuVOf0&feature=related
December 3rd, 2009 at 8:04 pm
Cop Speed Dos Ocho
December 4th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
Blitzkrieg
December 4th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
Zombie Bob Marley. Zombie Bob for short. he is zombie fast and has dreads like bob marley. i win.
December 6th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Prawn – Like that badass alien ‘Chris Johnson’ in district 9 :D