THIS GUY IS A PLAYER!
12.01.09
Gruden: I tell you what, Jaws. THIS GUY… Drew Brees… HE CAN MAKE ALL THE THROWS! You see that Sluggo pattern? That’s the old slant and go pattern, the Sluggo. And THESE GUYS… the New Orleans Saints… they know how to throw that Sluggo pattern deep.
Jaws: It’s what we talked about… ROUTE. DISCIPLINE. And when you look at the New Orleans Saints, you see a team that has ROUTE. DISCIPLINE. The slants! The Sluggos! The button hooks! The deep outs! I believe these New Orleans Saints are OUTSTANDING at throwing the FOOTball. But the New Orleans Saints can also run the FOOTball. The New Orleans Saints can do so many things with the FOOTball. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS!
Gruden: And we haven’t even talked about Mike McKenzie! THIS GUY… what else can you say? THAT GUY has played a lot of football! And he’s playing football tonight for THESE GUYS… the New Orleans Saints!
Delivery Boy: Hey, did one of you order Chinese?
Jaws: (louder) Coach, this is what we talked about earlier. DELIVERING. WHEN. IT. MATTERS.
Gruden: THIS CHINAMAN… Tung Mee. He is bringing the HEAT tonight!
Jaws: (even louder) You’re telling me! It’s what we talked about earlier, Coach. Sticking. With. Your. Hot. Guy. The spring rolls! The scallion pancakes! The Szechuan Triple Crown! The Dragon and Phoenix! That is a fantastic CHINESE example of getting the CHINESE food out to your best CHINESE food eaters! That’s something we always talk about, Coach. Let your best CHINESE food eaters eat CHINESE food.
Delivery Boy: Uh… that’s gonna be twenty dollars.
Gruden: (takes out twenty) Now THIS GUY.. Andrew Jackson! OLD HICKORY is what they used to call him! Because when you put THIS GUY, OLD HICKORY, in charge of the Tennessee Militia during the creek war… THIS GUY OLD HICKORY IS GONNA GET YOU SOME SCALPS!
Jaws: (jet engine loud) It’s what. We. Talked. About. Earlier. MASSACRE. DISCIPLINE. The beheadings! The flayings! The disembowelings. PREPARATION. That’s what we talk about when we talk about Andrew OLD HICKORY Jackson.
Delivery Boy: Do you guys happen to know the score of the game?
Gruden: JAWS, DOES THIS GUY LOVE FOOTBALL OR WHAT? I love THESE GUYS that just go out, buckle up, and live for the game!
Jaws: (louder than Motorhead concert) We haven’t even talked about these New England Patriots yet! I expected more out of the New England Patriots tonight, Coach. We’re so used to seeing them in control of the FOOTball. The short passes to Faulk! Welker getting his yards after the catch! Moss deep! But YOU. CANNOT. RELY. ON. JUST. YOUR. OFFENSE. It’s what we talked about earlier, Coach. GAP. DISCIPLINE.
Gruden: Yeah, but THIS GUY… Bill Belichick. DON’T COUNT HIM OUT! THAT’S WHY WE CALL THIS GUY BILLY WEASELTITS!
Delivery Boy: Never mind.
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Is it just me, or is Gruden sounding more like Jimmy Hoffa yelling at Bobby Kennedy every week?
THIS BUTTON. THIS BUTTON RIGHT HERE. SOME CALL IT THE MUTE BUTTON. I CALL IT THE PEACEMAKER.
Why subject yourself to be shouted at like somebody’s trying to sell you a used car when you can just silence the jackoffs, sip your drink in peace, and marvel at the Saints sodomizing the Patriots without taking their pants off?
Belichick’s ass is gonna be bleeding for weeks…
Laissez les bon temps roulez indeed.
I enjoy mocking Gruden’s “THIS GUY” schtick as much as the next commenter, but who else is going to step into the booth? Millen?* Golic? No matter who’s in the booth, we’re going to find one reason or another to hate their performance. At least Gruden talks about players that are in the game that’s on TV**
/This comment is directed at the commenters who call MNF “unwatchable”***…Drew’s mockery of the crew is quality
*Also enjoyed Millen talking up Randy Moss in pregame, considering his draft day wide receiver fetish
**Gruden’s Brett Favre fellatio was awful in the GB/MIN game earlier this year, but he doesn’t carry it over to every other game like TK would have
***I find MNF watchable, in that I am more glued to the constant stream of comments in the blogkakke than the game. Plus, I’m drinking.
Passive aggressive tags are the best tags.
You see, this is what I love about THIS SITE, Kissing Suzy Kolber. This site is a PLAYER. This site might be the best in the World Wide Web.
From the pre-game: “Gregg Williams only knows one word: Agitation.”
That must make it really awkward when he orders meals or talks to his family on the phone. They have to discern what mood he’s in by the tone in which he says the word Agitation. Does he call plays via sign language? And why would your entire defensive strategy be built around simply agitating someone? I’m not going to tackle that man to the ground, I’m going to tickle him until he urinates and drops the ball. I’m not gonna catch an interception, I’m just going to dance the macarena in the backfield so the quarterback becomes distracted.
sadly, this is the best crew they’ve had in years.
@Nate Newton’s van: “Nip” is an oh so special derogatory word for the Japanese. Nope, sorry- using the word “Chinaman” here made it awesome.
I’m sure more than a few people at this site have been to: http://www.rsdb.org
Glad you caught that angry metal, saw the first couple of comments after mine and was wondering how long it would take before anyone realized what I was talking about.
@Windy City: been reading for quite a while, just started commenting though. DEFINITELY aware that chinaman is the least of what goes around this place ;)
The more I listen to THESE GUYS, the more I call them the most annoying MNF commentators of all time. Actually, fuck that, they’re tied with Dan Fouts and Dennis Miller.
Just imagine all 4 of them doing the same game… Now that’s the stuff of nightmares.
@Jake: I’m dissapointed, because I didn’t get to this fast enough for the Big L quote.
Nice work, though!
I tried playing a drinking game every time Chuckie said “dis guy” or “dat guy.” Before the end of the first quarter I had killed a fifth of Jamisons. Actually, it’s not a bad way to watch MNF these days.
I dont know if I could just block these guys out or whatever, but until last night I had not caught Chuckie saying “This guy” or “these guys” at all….last night he said it when i was paying attention and it was like a bell going off everytime he said it, and this article hits dead on with what those guys are doing in the booth. Maybe Chuckie will take the job with notre dame and these guys can get rid of him!
How can I be the first one to point out that this post lacks NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUEs? In this NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE you have to stop the pass! Out of everything they do it has to be the most annoying once you notice it. Every five seconds. Jaws must get tased if he ever says “NFL”.
They should take it to the next level and never use an acronym or abbreviation for anything. “In this national football league players at the quarterback position like Thomas J. Brady Jr”… I can’t go on. they’ll probably start doing it next week.
That was so realistic I couldn’t finish it before I started getting that same sick, headachey feeling I had before the game even started last night. I had to turn off the sound to enjoy the game.
Tung Mee could tell us a few things about the slant pattern, eh?
Even Emmitt Smiff was asking what the fuck those guys are talking about?
Tirico was busy sexting lower level ESPN employees.
Dan Fouts was also terrible. They’re just all bad. Here’s a novel idea. How about a less is more approach. Makes you miss Pat Sumerall’s corpse.
NE Patliots secondaly rack disaprine.
More like DERRIVERY BLOY m i rite
I missed a Lebowski quote? SHIT. It’s been too long since college.
/dummy
@Jake
nice Big Lebowski reference
@Hijeffinition
I’m sure it’s not your fault about the IE6, but you people and your organizations piss me off.
I would willingly go back to any previous MNF crew. That horrifies me.
Asian-American? I thought we agreed to go with “nips”.
The spring rolls! The scallion pancakes! The Szechuan Triple Crown! The Dragon and Phoenix!
That’s a lot of food for $20. Does anyone have Tung Mee’s number?
First time here, Jake?
Loved how Tirico doesn’t speak in this piece. Can’t interrupt the nonstop hyPERbole of Jaws & the Grude.
Dude, Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please.
This is clearly missing a bunch of guffaws from Jaws, but otherwise spot on. Listening to Jon Gruden on MNF makes this guy, miamidiesel, want to throw newborn babies off of the top of the Empire State Building. This guy hopes Gruden takes the Notre Dame job so that this guy, right here, miamidiesel, can replace listening to that guy, Jon Gruden, on MNF with watching Gruden find new ways to create Notre Dame FAILs.
Dennis Miller and Dan Fouts would like a word with y’all.
Favorite ongoing bit at KSK? Favorite ongoing bit at KSK.
“Tung Mee”. Nice.
I was able to enjoy the game despite these dicksmacks, but like 90% of America, I hate the Patriots, so.
At least most of the time Collinsworth has a fucking clue even though it sounds like he’s done a pound or two of weed before each game.
the ghosts and spirits that are still pissed off about the levys.
Goddamn anti-Semitic ghosts. Leave the Levy family alone!
How was the Chinaman’s eye discipline?
Chrome shows the homepage fine for me.
that shit last night was AWFUL… and it looks like thats the lineup they are going with for years on end. looks like i picked the wrong decade to give up snorting vicodin.
Uh, I’ve given these guys a shot. They are the WORST MNF announcers of all time. Each was trying to top the other in decibel level and expert analysis last night. They knew that they had more viewers than ever and it was just an over the top shit storm that made the game almost unbearable to watch. Please bring back Kornheiser… Dennis Miller… hell, let Cosell’s body be exhumed and propped up in the booth. THEY”RE JUST ANNOUNCERS. DOING WHAT THEY DO BEST. ANNOUNCING. Good God.
Zero, you got me. I just assumed he would have said something so god damn ridiculous with SUCH GRIT.
Q. You’re trapped on a room with Gruden, Tirico, and Jaws. You have a gun with two bullets. Who do you shoot first?
A. Yourself
I was using Firefox and kept getting the cheerleader for a while, but now it’s loading properly. So instead of the cheerleader, I have to look at these three clowns… FUCK YOU KSK FOR FIXING YOUR PAGE!
Hijeff, now working on Chrome for me.
Oh, and I’m using IE 6.0 (at work), but the same thing seems to be happening on FF and Chrome. ?
Stanford Reject, getting it using FF and Chrome
I expect you’ll be receiving a letter from the NFL for using actual transcripts of the game for the first three lines of this post.
You will not use game transcripts to set up your parody!
@UU: Yes, I still see the cheerleader when I come to the site (I use the RSS feed to see the new posts). But I also see her in my dreams, so it might not be a computer issue.
@UU it happened to me while using Chrome. Firefox shows the correctly updated homepage
this is why I call Big Daddy Drew… THE IMPERSONATOR
Purple Jesus, no confirmation of this at this time.
I don’t know how you guys can hate Cris Collinsworth when these two assholes are blasting in your ears all night long.
How Chinaman derively boy no mix up l’s and r’s? Hines Wald must kno, because Hines Wald numbel one smaltest leceivel and arways question Rongrastname toughness.
Imagine what MNF would be like if Tirico slashed these two idiots. It may very well happen soon.
Zero, is that an actual quote? I tuned Gruden out most of the night, ie, was watching football in silence.
“WHEN THEY MADE THIS GUY, DREW BREES, THEY BROKE THE MOLE.” -Gruden
@Ryno you had some balls betting on the under
Seriously, Gruden is the gift that keeps on giving. He’s just having fun up there.
Also, is anyone else still getting the hot cheerleader when the page opens?
I still blame Stephen A. Smith and Michael Irvin. They started this “who can be loudest” trend a decade ago.
Oh, and Skip Bayless, too. Fuck that guy.
If I ever meet John Carney – I’m going to shake his hand.
His 4th quarter field goal shank kept the game under 56.5 and won me some money.
Still better than Kornheiser.
Refering to Brees: “This guy……..has a regimine……….that is………..in-cred-ible” – Gruden
listening to this game on the radio (long car drive) made me assume nobody could announce worse than Esiason. I guess i was wrong.
You know, if they didn’t say NEW ORLEANS Saints every time when referring to the football team I would just assume we were talking about the ghosts and spirits that are still pissed off about the levys.