12.03.09
Sean Taylor Memorial Meast Of The Week – Week 12
Your Meast of the Week this week is Drew Brees, who destroyed the Patriots with five TD passes. You embarrass Bill Belichick, you’re a friend of ours.
We’re professional haters at this site. It’s what we do best. But I can’t think of a single reason to hate on Drew Brees. Drew Brees is fucking awesome. He never sulks. He never points fingers. He’s not in every other commercial. And it’s fun to watch him play football. I dare you to hate this man. He should be made an honorary Canadian or Australian, he’s so amiable. He’s the anti-Cutler. In fact, I do believe there’s a meme here.
Drew Brees will pick up the check. No worries, man.
Drew Brees isn’t mad that you crashed the car. Insurance will take care of everything. He just hopes you’re okay.
Drew Brees has heard that birthmark joke 4,567 times before. But he still laughed at it anyway.
Drew Brees uses Lincolns at the titty bar.
Drew Brees is renting a speedboat this weekend. Wanna head out onto the lake with some beers?
Drew Brees dated your sister, and that was all right with you.
Drew Brees cleaned up the bathroom after you booted in it, and didn’t ever bring it up again.
Drew Brees helped you move.
Drew Brees thinks that song you wrote actually had some potential.
As for your Least of the week…
DAWWWWW HORSEFEATHERS! JOSIE’S BLUE RATTLE, I AM PEEVED!
This may be the last time we get to give Pickin n Grinnin the Least award. Savor the flavor, Cajun boy.
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2010/02/chris-johnson-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2010/02/peytonleast-150x150.jpg)
December 3rd, 2009 at 10:56 am
WHY IS TOM BRADY NOT THE MEAST THIS WEEK!!!
December 3rd, 2009 at 10:57 am
Drew Brees will split the dinner bill, even though he just had a water.
December 3rd, 2009 at 10:58 am
He probably hates Coinstar Rivers too, that’s a bingo.
December 3rd, 2009 at 10:58 am
Drew Brees thinks you made a good point that Peyton should have been the Meast this week.
December 3rd, 2009 at 10:58 am
Drew Brees offered you the last beer. Jake Delhomme did the same, but then gave it to Darrelle Revis.
December 3rd, 2009 at 10:59 am
WANNA….HATE….THAT….STUPID….PRE GAME….RAY LEWIS IMPERSONATION…SOOOOOO MUCH.
But DAMMIT you are right. I just can’t.
Drew Brees is unhatable. (Puts on CUTLERFUCKER Pouty face)
December 3rd, 2009 at 10:59 am
Drew Brees gave you his extra kidney.
December 3rd, 2009 at 10:59 am
Don’t you mean, why is Tom Brady not the LEAST this week?
/Brady coming up short in an important game? The ironing is delicious
//We’ll miss you Delhomme. Now stop rubbing that $20m guaranteed in our faces.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:00 am
Drew Brees can always be relied on for a ride to the airport.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:01 am
Brees is even better when he helps you come back from 60+ points down to win your fantasy matchup.
And he’s easy on the eyes…
/not gay
//except for Brees
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:01 am
Drew Brees lets you go ahead in the 10 items or less line at the grocery store because he’s buying a 12 pack of soda.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:01 am
Drew Brees thinks it’s ok that he got HPV from your ex-girlfriend…he shouldn’t have dated her in the first place, and we should be sharing everything, brah.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:01 am
Drew Brees will babysit.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:02 am
Drew Brees gave you some bone marrow…just in case you ever need it.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:02 am
@ Marmalard’s mansack
At least he doesn’t dance around like an epileptic spaz. Plus its kinda cool to see a QB take the job of rah-rah leader and actually be good at it.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:03 am
Drew Brees left you the chocolate in the Neapolitan ice cream.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:03 am
Drew Brees abstained from sex in 2005 just to please Marmalard.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:04 am
@ Rakibul
The ironing is delicious? That may be, but nothing beats the taste of a freshly starched pair of slacks.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:04 am
Not only will Drew Brees give you his extra ticket to the big Springfield/Shelbyville game, he’ll even buy you a nacho hat and get a ball signed for you by Stan “The Boy” Taylor.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:05 am
Now normally I would make a complaining remark about how Peyton should have been Meast, and don’t get me wrong, Peyton would have been a fantastic Meast, but Brees owned Belichick, and he’s an all-around badass. Congratulations to Brees.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:05 am
Yeah where’s the Patriots guy this week? No letters proclaiming Brady should be the Meast considering its his D’s fault they lost.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:05 am
Drew Brees paid for your leprosy treatment, then gleefully announced to his kids that it’d be an imaginary Christmas this year!
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:06 am
Drew Brees will make you chicken noodle soup when you have the flu.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:06 am
Three hot chicks hit on Drew Brees at the bar. After chatting them up for a bit and keeping them engaged, he told them he was married, but that you were ten times the man he was and hung like a horse to boot.
Drew Brees gave you a ride to the airport and never even thought of asking for anything in return.
Drew Brees ordered another drink for you when you got up to go to the bathroom because he knew there’s no way you’re done drinking.
Drew Brees hooked you up with a free bootleg copy of The Hangover because you missed it in theaters.
Drew Brees helped gang-rape your favorite football team, but you were fine with it because who the fuck is gonna hate on Drew Brees?
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:08 am
Drew Brees noticed you were out of milk so he went to the store and bought you more.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:08 am
Drew Brees forgives Tiger.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:08 am
Drew Brees wears gloves just so he can give them to you.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:09 am
@CR: I had the airport line typed up before I saw your post. Didn’t mean to step on your dick with that one
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:10 am
Drew Brees housesat and watched my dog for a week. My plants were twice as big when I got home!
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:10 am
Oh and by the way,
Drew Brees thinks Brian Urlacher can hold Mike Singletary’s jock strap.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:11 am
Sorry to burst your bubbles, but Drew Brees wears Affliction shirts. He’s a douchebag.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:11 am
Drew Brees will make sure you get the last slice of pizza.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:12 am
Drew Brees will borrow your car and return it with a full tank of gas.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:13 am
Drew Brees knew you were light on cash this week, so he brought over some beers for the game. And not cheap ones, either.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:13 am
Drew Brees always puts the seat down.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:13 am
Drew Brees bought your house, let you live in it for free, fixed your gas leak and leaky faucet, AND cleaned the gutters while he was getting your frisbee off the roof.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:13 am
Drew Brees would be HAPPY to help you re-shingle your roof this Saturday.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:15 am
Drew Brees remembers your birthday.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:16 am
Drew Brees changed your baby’s dirty shit diaper.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:17 am
Drew Brees throws the ball to Shockey so he’ll stop crying.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:17 am
Drew Brees will throw that fifth touchdown because he knows your fantasy team is down 3. Unlike Tom Brady. You cocksucker.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:18 am
Drew Brees will claim the panties your wife just found in your glove box.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:18 am
Canadian maybe, but, Measty though he clearly is, Brees would have trouble bagging Abos at an Aussie level.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:18 am
Drew Brees thinks Chicago’s wide receivers and offensive line deserve their paychecks.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:19 am
When Drew Brees gets concussion like symptoms, the entire league takes a week off.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:22 am
When Drew Brees dates your mom, you scream “You’re not my real dad!” at him. Because you wish he was.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:22 am
Drew Brees does not want to smash that goofy smile off of Hines Ward’s face.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:22 am
Drews Brees chokes in the playoffs and always seems like he might not the next season.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:24 am
The new thing in plastic surgery is to get a Drew Brees mole.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:24 am
Belichick should have been Least. He quit the game with 5 minutes to play. At least Jake kept wingin’ it.
Oh…. and, um, Drew Brees doesn’t care when you overuse Simpson’s references in the comments section, because you’re too dumb to come up with something by yourself.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:24 am
Drew Brees respects the sun.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:25 am
Drew Brees thinks your nickname for Chris Johnson is hilarious.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:27 am
Drew Brees bought you a man-step for your Prius, and told you it was totally bitchin’.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:28 am
I can’t wait till someone finds a dead hooker in Brees’s trunk. No one is THAT fucking perfect.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:29 am
Drew Brees is okay with cuddling if that’s what you’d rather do.
Drew Brees ate all the Honeycombs, but went to the grocery store to get a new box before you woke up.
Drew Brees knows all about your wife’s past, but he would never mention it to anyone.
Drew Brees was always nice to the unpopular kids in school.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:29 am
Drew Brees drives around Bourbon St. offering free rides home.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:30 am
Sorry to burst your bubbles, but Drew Brees wears Affliction shirts.
Drew Brees wears that Affliction shirt because his brother-in-law bought it for his birthday, and he’d hate to hurt his feelings.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:31 am
You don’t mind when your mom flirts with Drew Brees because deep down, you know he would be a better father than your dad.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:33 am
Drew Brees has already forgiven AJ for the dead hooker comment, because he understands how people might find it hard to believe in his perfection.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:34 am
Drew Brees knows the Secret Santa price cap was set at $20, but he’ll be happy to spend a little more to get you something you would really enjoy.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:36 am
Sorry to burst your bubbles, but Drew Brees wears Affliction shirts. He’s a douchebag.
Drew Brees wears Affliction shirts in order to make them less douchey.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:36 am
Drew Brees helped deliver a baby during a traffic jam on his way to the Dome Monday night.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:36 am
Drew Brees is a ten-foot tall two-ton SOB who can eat a tack hammer and take a shot gun blast standing.
His favorite movie is “One-on-One” with Robbie Benson.
/Brasky-ed
//Stating the obvious
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:37 am
drew brees is the best wingman. like fully brah
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:37 am
Tim Tebow thinks Drew Brees is a little too perfect.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:38 am
@AJ Says: Serious for a moment – To be fair he had a bad relationship with his mother. So he really is NOT perfect.
On the other she was a greedy lawyer on the take in political circles (RIP by the way) so you can’t even REALLY blame him for that.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:39 am
Drew Brees loves jury duty.
Drew Brees told your mom it looks like she’s lost weight.
Drew Brees knows you work third shift, so he’ll watch TV and play XBox with the volume super-low during the daytime so you can sleep.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:39 am
Drew Brees totally does NOT think Tim Tebow is overexposed.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:40 am
Superman wears Tim Tebow pajamas. Tim Tebow wears Drew Brees pajamas. Drew Brees doesn’t wear pajamas.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:41 am
Drew Brees will help you move on his only day off.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:41 am
Drew Brees thinks THAT GUY references from Jon Gruden are fresh and funny EVERY time he makes them.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:41 am
Drew Brees invited you to his beach house party, and even had a spare sweatshirt for you to borrow for when it got a little chilly at night. He said you could hang on to it “till whenever it’s convenient, no rush or anything”.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:41 am
Drew Brees apologized for slavery.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:42 am
I hate his stupid hair. Why doesn’t he just go bald like every other white guy; shave it Brees, be a man.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:42 am
Drew Brees would end World Hunger except he knows the poor wouldn’t learn their lesson that way.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:43 am
@ 85: What if the Saints drafted Tebow? That would be unbearable. Seeing Brees throw touchdowns to Tim Tebow would be a little much. My face would probably melt from the wholesomeness.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:43 am
Drew Brees will go to the store for you, even if you only need tampons.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:44 am
Drew Brees made up stories about sleeping around just so Tiger wouldn’t feel as bad.
Drew Brees will autograph your Saints jersey, even though it is a Todd Bouman jersey.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:44 am
Drew Brees ALWAYS leaves a penny but NEVER takes one.
Shit, Drew Brees usually leaves a dime.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:44 am
Breesus donated part of the skin of his face to make the H1N1 vaccine even though he is immune from all disease.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:44 am
Drew Brees still tells Reggie Bush that he’s a superstar.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:46 am
Drew Brees has never made fun of Reggie Bush for dating Kim Kardashian.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:46 am
Drew Brees is like the Mother Teresa of Nawlins. He cleans the emotional leper scars of the people devastated by Hurricane Katrina, by being a FOOTBALL PLAYER!
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:47 am
Drew Brees totally had tickets to this weekend’s game, but would rather help you move instead.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:47 am
Drew Brees will let you pick the movie this time…even though he let you pick the last time and you picked Old Dogs.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:47 am
Drew Brees will hold your hair while you’re throwing up. Then, he’ll clean you up and tuck you in.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:48 am
Drew Brees always makes sure you get the green hit.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:49 am
When Drew Brees tells you he deleted that sex tape, he’s telling the truth.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:52 am
Drew Brees got your cat out of that tree.
If you’re like Drew and hate cats, he did it with a chainsaw. And really, the yard is much brighter now.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:52 am
Drew Brees kicked Chris Brown’s ass, “Just to make things right”.
Drew Brees was your willing wingman and took down the 300lb chick so you could have the hot girl.
Drew Brees didn’t stare at your girlfriend’s ass when she wore those tight jeans. He respects women and he respects you.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:52 am
Drew Brees will feed your cat while your away even though he is a dog person
Drew Brees will give up the cab he hailed in the rain to you because, “Hey, I can get the next one”
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:52 am
Drew Brees took the hit for you when your fiancee found your speed dating notes with “ho, fo sho” and “hurtin’ for a squirtin’” written by the hot ones.
Drew Brees would have helped OJ get his shit back in Vegas, but his flight was late.
Drew Brees would send you a couple cartons of smokes while you’re doing time. He hears smokes are like money and he’d hate for you to be anyone’s bitch or gang-raped while trying to take a nice warm bubble bath.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:53 am
Drew Brees never complained about the quality or regularity of Sexy Friday.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:54 am
drew brees respects wood.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:54 am
Drew Brees will go to Taco bell for you at 1 AM cause you’re too stoned…and he will bring back a variety of sauces cause you forgot to tell him which one you wanted.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:56 am
Drew Brees helps you sound out the big words.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:56 am
Chesley Sullenberger asked Drew Brees to be his wingman.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:57 am
Drew Brees cares about black people.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:57 am
Drew Brees didn’t call his mother a selfish exploitative cunt.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:58 am
Drew Brees takes the 2 a.m. feeding “because you need your sleep.”
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:58 am
Drew Brees respects women, but also respects your decision to use the D.E.N.N.I.S. system.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:58 am
Drew Brees would have saved that chick from Chapaquidick but the time machine was on the fritz.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:59 am
Drew Brees plays Modern Warfare 2, and lets you take his care package.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:59 am
@claude balls
Yeah he did. But he helped me find my keys, so I’ll forgive him.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:59 am
Drew Brees thinks my comments are funny.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:59 am
Drew Brees never answers “a blow job” when you ask him what he wants for his birthday.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Drew Brees would hire his own crazy mother as his business manager to preserve his relationship with her and prevent her from ending up balls deep in a ponzi scheme and OD’ing on pills in a Colorado motel room.
Wait… What?
Oh, you’re kidding. Wow, that’s a damn shame.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Drew Brees votes for helpful on your Amazon reviews.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:00 pm
The D.R.E.W. System:
Date her
Respect her
Engagement
Wedded matrimony ’til death do you part
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Drew Brees just got back from the gym but doesn’t need to shower yet. You can have the hot water, brah.
Drew Brees left you a six-pack of Anchor Steam in the fridge for drafting him in the first round this season. He really appreciates your high opinion of him.
Drew Brees thinks your blog is hilarious and insightful. How can he spread the word about it?
Drew Brees always asks if he can help with the dishes.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:02 pm
So even the mild distaste I have for Brees’ stat-whore tendencies is actually Brees doing his level best to not let his fantasy owners down? That still doesn’t make him Meast.
Did you not see Peyton draw a chickenshit pass interference penalty on Jacques Reeves? The type of call that you only get after 15 seconds of pre-snap fake hand signals? Of course you did. Fuckin’ haters.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Drew Brees said no to your ex because he knew you still had feelings for her.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:03 pm
What are you talking about? Drew Brees definitely does NOT think you look fat in those pants.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Drew Brees watched Entourage with you.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Drew Brees always RSVPs on time.
Drew Brees will get the vasectomy for you.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Drew Brees will be your lookout while you upper deck some douche bag’s toilet.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Drew Brees will never demand anal, he will ask first
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Drew Brees got Forrest Griffin motivated to get back into the ring after getting pwned by Anderson Silva.
Drew Brees will totally play against you in Madden or Halo or whatever, even though he isn’t very good at video games, and is happy to see you win.
Drew Brees doesn’t encrypt his wifi router so his neighbors can use the internet, too.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Drew Brees would not leave his team for whatever reason and go to a division rival and then try to make it sound like he’s doing it just cause he loves to play the game.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Drew Brees doesn’t just say ‘oh well, there are other fish in the sea’, he loads up and takes you fishing
Drew Brees always buys the first round, even if he is the designated driver
Drew Brees laughs at scrubs to make Zach Braff feel better about himself
Drew Brees got pedobear into age apropriate relationships
\this meme is fun
\\sad about pedobear
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Drew Brees will pretend all these comments are funny and make total sense, even the vasectomy one.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Drew Brees quit drinking for nine months when his wife was pregnant, as a show of solidarity.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Drew Brees thought your Walken impression was totally funny.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Drew Brees thinks Todd Haley is at just the right level of asshole.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Drew Brees will go antiquing with your fiancee just so you can sleep in on Sundays
Drew Brees watched the Victoria Secret runway show so he could pick out a gift for your mom
Drew Brees will cut your grass and help you grill some backstraps
Drew Brees will erect a levee (that actually works) on your street to prevent your basement from flooding
/can do this all day
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Drew Brees will check each Christmas light to find out why the strand isn’t working.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Drew Brees wrote a personal note that was three paragraphs long on the Christmas card he sent.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Drew Brees gave $500,000 of his salary to Sean Payton so that he could hire their new defensive coordinator.
Drew Brees always lets others use his health packs in Left 4 Dead.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Drew Brees will tell your wife about all the nice things you say about her batshit insane mother.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Drew’s speech at your wedding made everyone cry. And he bought you the 5 most expensive gifts you registered for, because he didn’t want the other guests to feel pressured into paying for something they can’t afford.
When you finally got divorced, Drew didn’t offer you his couch – he got a bigger apartment with a spare bedroom, and never even asked you to chip in on the utilities bills.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:24 pm
If Drew Brees sprinkled when he tinkled, he WAS a sweetie and wiped the seatie.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Drew Brees would never call shotgun…your comfort is more important to him.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Drew Brees thinks every “helping you move” joke on this thread is an absolute gem.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Drew Brees is dedicating this season to Archie Manning.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Drew Brees managed to erase that stupid spyware virus from your computer, even though it took him three hours of his spare time to do it.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Drew Brees heckles you endlessly for being a Notre Dame fan…then drove 12 hrs to be at your grandfather’s funeral.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Sadly, even Drew Brees hates Chris Berman.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Pats fan that completely agrees with your Meast. One of the best QB performances I’ve ever seen.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Drew Brees adopted Angelina Jolie’s real children. They weren’t getting enough attention.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Drew Brees doesn’t pee in the pool.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Drew Brees hooked your kid up with a terrific summer internship.
Drew Brees spends his Saturdays coaching little league soccer.
Drew Brees doesn’t make you sleep in the wet spot – he changes the sheets.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Drew Brees will invite you to go pussytubin
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Drew Brees sent a dollar to the original artist for every one of your pirated MP3 files.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:32 pm
@ Viscous :Drew Brees plays Modern Warfare 2, and lets you take his care package.
Unless it’s a Harrier Strike, he just loves those Harrier Strikes.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Drew Brees lost his job to Philip Rivers. And he’s cool with it. Why live in the past?
Drew Bress offered to DD, but you like the guy so much that you just took a cab. Still, pretty cool right?
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Drew brees didn’t even correct his dry cleaner who had his clothes under the name Aaron Brooks
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:34 pm
lol @ care package
Drew Brees totally thinks its because of the horrible lag when you do poorly at Call of Duty.
Drew Brees will lay the better hand down when you are heads up in a poker game, and then tell you he was bluffing.
Drew Brees designed and paid for a new shelter for the Chernobyl power plant, to keep the “bad stuff inside”.
Drew Brees offered to order you lunch, even though he knows you always ask for some frustratingly specialized orders.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Drew Brees doesn’t break down laughing every time Aaron Brooks’ name is mentioned.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:35 pm
…or Jamarcus Russell’s
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Drew Brees visits his wife’s cousin in prison, even though he never met the guy before he went in.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Drew Brees will help you move.
Drew Brees paid for your private dance at your bachelor party. And threw in a big tip so she’d ‘take care of you’.
Drew Brees visits his grandmother in the nursing home every weekend.
Drew Brees groans about watching Grey’s Anatomy but watches it with you anyway.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Drew Brees paid that waitress you like to bang you when he thought you had cancer. And he didn’t even get mad when he found out your cancer was a hoax.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Drew Brees sends care packages full of beef jerky and porn to soldiers he doesn’t even know.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Drew Brees always donates to Jerry’s Kids. ALWAYS.
Drew Brees pays the toll for the guy behind him.
Each Christmas, Drew Brees adopts one dog and one cat and gives them to a hungry family.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:37 pm
When Drew brees says “just the tip” it really is just the tip.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Drew Brees hired an ex-Saturn employee to mow his lawn so that Obama could pretend the stimulus package is working.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Drew Brees can eat just one lay’s potatoe chip
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Faking a deadly ailment to get paid sex from a waitress?
Is BabySexCannon the real Rex Grossman?
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Drew Brees never calls shotgun because he knows you need the extra legroom.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Drew Brees makes time once a week to remind the Superdome how super he thinks it is.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Drew Brees knows EXACTLY how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop. But he’s not telling because that would take away all the fun.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Drew Brees told tiger not to cheat. But then he also talked Mrs. Woods down from a driver to a 3-iron. He doesn’t take sides, he’s just looking out for people.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Drew Brees never beats me to making a comment.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Drew Brees knows you had a wild night last night, so he’ll call you at 7 to make sure you get up to go to work.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Drew Brees will edit your porn stash to remove all dialog.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Drew Brees always asks where to blow it…he appreciates the sex and doesn’t want to ruin it for her.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Drew Brees is going to make sure the Saints score fewer points than the ‘07 Patriots because he doens’t want Tom Brady to feel bad.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Make it snow, Dude you took that comment of Dr. Kenneth Noisewater
Drew Brees would never call shotgun…your comfort is more important to him.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Drew Brees told you not to draft Willie Parker/Clinton Portis/Knowshon Moreno/etc, but he’s not going to remind you because he knows it would just upset you.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Drew Brees is the first one to show up at your party, and brought enough jello shots for everybody.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Drew Brees thinks Magary’s interview with Jeff Garlin went totally fine.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Drew Brees will absolutely spot you 5 bucks, and waive you off when you try to pay him back.
Drew Brees blew off a date with his girlfriend to watch the Jets/Bills game with you. He even told you he thought this would be “an awesome game”.
Drew Brees hung out with you even when you were diagnosed with H1N1.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Drew Brees gave Chris Johnson the nickname “Zulu Cthulu” but refuses to take credit for it.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:45 pm
@Ricky Yeah, I didn’t see it until after I posted. Drew Brees would have checked again first.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Drew Brees tells Mike Martz he is a fundamentally sound football coach and everybody likes working with him.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Drew Brees believes that everyone should get a reach-around, it’s the neighborly thing to do.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Drew Brees tells Darius Heyward Bey he’s a great defensive back…
[get's a whisper in the ear]…Wide receiver!?! really?
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Drew Brees routinely visits your blog and genuinely enjoys your self-deprecating humor.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Drew Brees says you can have the last porkchop.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Drew Brees loves giving oral sex, so you don’t have to reciprocate if you don’t want to.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Drew Brees is positive Sandra Bullock will get an Oscar for “The Blind Side”.
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:56 pm
@CDS923
Drew Brees thinks Todd Haley’s coaching style motivates people to do their best every week!
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Drew Brees never complained about the predictable offensive schemes favored by Marty Schottenheimer.
Seriously, that puts him above reproach.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Drew Brees wishes Footsteps Falco would rise from the dead to write again for this blog.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:00 pm
most importantly…
Drew Brees helped you go undefeated in Fantasy Football last year and isn’t pissed that you didn’t want to spent a first rounder on him this year.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Drew Brees knows that the real Purple Jesus is Prince, but he doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t want to hurt Brett Favre’s tender feelings.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Drew Brees is the Bizzarro Chuck Norris.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Drew Brees gave Red the money to go meet Andy in Mexico.
Drew Brees slow danced w/ Handsome Bob.
Drew Brees understands why Nicolas Cage has to make so many crappy movies to pay off his debts.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Upstate Underdog wins.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Drew Brees personally offered me the number to the local rehab clinic and offered to pay for it to keep me from further embarrasing myself in these comments.
He is sad that it did not work.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Drew Brees is Gallant. Jeremy Shockey is Goofus.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Drew Brees thinks I look great in my black jumpsuit.
Drew Brees would give you a reach around when you struck out with your date.
Drew Brees thinks Adam Lambert is cool.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Drew Brees apologized for Hurricane Katrina and let all the homeless people crash at his place
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Drew Brees has tickets to the Rush concert tonight and wants you to come along.
Drew Brees will play Beirut with you even though you aren’t that good.
When Drew Brees plays tag football with you he’ll play automatic qb so the game doesn’t get lopsided.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Drew Brees gave you a ride home even though it’s completely out of the way for him.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:10 pm
correction…
“most importantly…
Drew Brees helped you go undefeated in Fantasy Football last year and isn’t pissed that you didn’t want to spent a first rounder on him this year…..”
AND doesn’t laugh at the fact that you took Matt Forte with said first round pick.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Drew Brees never forgets to mention that you were the one that told him about KSK when he emails others the links to the posts.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Drew Brees knows that sometimes, after a long day, you just need a hug. And he’s comfortable with that.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Drew Brees will give you the recipe to his award winning dry rib rub so everyone at the tailgate will complement you on your barbecue skills.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Drew Brees will go duel Johnny Ringo on your behalf.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Drew Brees doesn’t think Hines Ward is the “dirtiest player” and will make you feel bad about calling him it.
Drew Brees doesn’t blame Donovan McNabb.
Drew Brees tells Joey Harrington he doesn’t know what the Lions were thinking letting him go.
Drew Brees still believes in JaMarcus Russell.
Drew Brees wouldn’t complain about Mike Vick getting snaps even though Brees is better.
Drew Brees let the 0-12 Fantasy Football team win.
Drew Brees still calls Eric Mangini “Mangenius” and isn’t being sarcastic.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Drew Brees is honored you chose him to pop your cherry and will have you in his thoughts the rest of his life.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:19 pm
Drew Brees politely replies to each and every one of Peter King’s post game text messages.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Drew Brees donates blood. Twice a week.
Drew Brees bought Jessica Simpson a new dog, and said it was from Tony Romo.
Drew Brees sees the hurt little boy inside Bill Belichick, and wants to give him a hug.
Drew Brees just called to remind you that it’s your mother’s birthday tomorrow–but don’t worry! He’s already sent her a present from you and your wife.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Drew Brees would repeat a funny comment that he read on a blog, but would let you know that he read it on a blog and didnt come up with it himself.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Drew Brees knows you’ve forgotten your anniversary. He got you a box of chocolates and a dozen roses to bring to your wife.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Drew Brees would never make fun of you because you cry every time that Sarah McLachlan SPCA commercial comes on the TV.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Drew Brees heard that you little sister is pregnant, and will drive her to the next town to the “clinic”, and will wait for her in the waiting room.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Drew Brees felt awkward when he filmed that Sportscenter spot where he causes a traffic jam because he’s trying to drive a Mardi Gras float into the ESPN parking lot. Making people late to work is no laughing matter!
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Drew Brees will gladly miss the third period of the hockey game so he can tape the Office for you. He knows working 3rd shift is hard
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:39 pm
If it were down to a big piece of chicken and a wing, Drew Brees would let you have the big piece.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Drew Brees died for your sins and returned 3 days later.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Drew Brees just bought breakfast tacos for everyone, and no, dude, it’s no problem, his pleasure. Don’t worry about it.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Drew Brees will make sure no one tells you the score of the game so that you can enjoy watching it on the DVR with all the suspense intact
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Chuck Norris created Drew Brees in His image.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Drew Brees really wants to read the poems you wrote in high school.
Drew Brees gives you his umbrella when you left yours at home.
Drew Brees sleeps on the couch and lets you have the bed.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Drew Brees never leaves a toilet paper roll empty
Drew Brees will care for your dying relatives
Drew Brees saves you all the red starbursts
Drew Brees wont tell anybody about the guy you put under the floor boards.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Drew Brees reads Playboy for the articles.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Drew Brees would always uses vaseline when fucking you in the ass.
Drew Brees always has the decency to give a guy a reach-around.
Drew Brees always lets you stay the night, even if he prefers to sleep alone and is up all night.
Drew Bress respects you in the morning, no matter what filthy, illegal in 48 states, acts you did the night before.
Drew Brees calls you the next day, because he said he would.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Drew Brees call Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid after every game to compliment them on their time management skills.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Drew Brees told Bud Adams to tell Jeff Fischer to let Vince Young play.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Drew Brees blames himself when the dog farts.
Drew Brees found out you peed your pants, so he splashed water on his crotch and told everyone that peeing your pants was the coolest.
Drew Brees got Glenn Beck and Michael Moore to agree on something…that Drew Brees is awesome.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Drew Brees is really happy with his cable provider.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:58 pm
Drew Brees thinks the women in the Victoria’s Secret are too skinny and said “you are more beautiful than any of them because you look like a ‘real’ woman”.
This comments section has made me re-evaluate my life. I’m going to try to be more like Breesus from now on.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:01 pm
BabySexCannon:
“Drew Brees is really happy with his cable provider.”
Unless his cable provider is the holy Flying Spaghetti Monster, this is where I call bullshit.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Drew Brees will call your boss to smooth over that fact that you’ve been reading these comments for half an hour.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Drew Brees thought Old Dogs had its strengths and weaknesses.
Drew Brees is writing your biography. It’s a page turner.
Drew Brees picks his nose with a kleenex.
Drew Brees purposely missed that putt, just so you could tell all your friends that you beat Drew Brees at miniature golf.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Drew Brees sent you a private jet so that you could get from Chicago to San Diego to make it back in time for your son’s little league game.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Drew Brees agrees with the Unibomber that he’s just misunderstood.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:27 pm
And last but not least…
Drew Brees thinks Matt Leinart really CAN be a killer!
zing, for the win.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Drew Brees tells every telemarketing rep that he is interested in long-distance savings…very interested.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Drew Brees totally understands why Ron Artest is so angry all the time.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:39 pm
Drew Brees uses pennies at the titty bar? What an asshole.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Drew Brees thinks your ironic t-shirt is hilarious.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Drew Brees respectfully declines the ‘Breesus’ nickname. That is blasphemous.
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Drew Brees tips 25%
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:04 pm
@ synapticmisfires:
Drew Brees whispers in your ear that it was an ‘Always Sunny’ reference instead of calling you out in front of everyone.
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:10 pm
Drew Brees isn’t a big fan of hip hop music, but if you want to put it on go ahead.
Drew Brees stayed up till 12:00 to make sure he was the first to text you “Happy Birthday”
Drew Brees just ate, but would be more than happy to accompany you to dinner.
Drew Brees doesn’t mind that you fucked his girlfriend, because he knows you’re going through some tough times, and he values your friendship too much to let 1 women get in the way of things.
Drew Brees gave you the last piece of gum without hesitation.
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Drew Brees never hits on 16 while at the blackjack table.
When offered a Mike’s Hard Lemonade, Drew Brees responds. ‘No thanks, friend. Drew Brees only drinks whole milk or bourbon.’
Drew Brees never read the books but thinks it’s great that Twilight encourages young girls to read.
Drew Brees thinks this comment string is just a hoot!
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:22 pm
I remember when San Diego got LaToeInjury in the first round and Breesus in the 2nd back in 2001 … I said then that they had the best draft of all 32 teams. They should have held on to Breesus but then I couldn’t come here and laugh at all the marmalard blogs!
// Da Bears took David Terrell and Anthony Thomas … the only guy still playing in the league they took was 3rd round tackle Mike Gandy who sucked out loud in Chicago but finally caught on after leaving the team.
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Drew Brees berated James Harrison for tackling him too hard when Kent State played Purdue in college, because he was afraid it would hurt his draft stock.
Oh wait, doesn’t that work? Whoops. That one is true, though.
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Drew Brees respects the sun and uses sun block even at night, indoors, in the winter, to make sure the sun knows his level of respect
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Drew Brees is happy to give his wife a foot massage and pass on sex because she’s feeling bloated.
Drew Brees gives paper money to panhandlers.
Drew Brees lets you have all his Coke Reward points.
Drew Brees doesn’t mind watching chick flicks in the theater.
Drew Brees offers water and snacks to Jehovah’s Witnesses when they come by.
Drew Brees will let a high school QB beat him in a skills competition to get the kid a D-I scholarship.
Drew Brees takes you and the guys out for a free weekend in Vegas after you missed that promotion at work.
Drew Brees dresses up as the sober office Santa every year.
Drew Brees thinks that your screenplay has a chance, and loved reading it.
Drew Brees likes to throw an occasional pick, just so internet folks can criticize his play.
Drew Brees always gets you coffee when he goes to Starbucks.
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Drew Brees apologized for taking victory away from me and narrowly defeating me in TWO SEPARATE FANTASY LEAGUES! No shit, in one league I lost 111.48 to 111.84.
And yet, I accepted his apology and invited him over for dinner. He offered to cook
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Drew Brees declined a 3-way with your mom and Shawne Merriman. Out of respect Merriman back out as well.
// Merriman came back an hour later and raped her of course
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Drew Brees wipes his ass both standing up and sitting down.
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Drew Brees totally understands that you’re a nevernude, and throws on some jean cutoffs just to make you feel more comfortable.
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Drew Brees has no problems with Jon Gruden’s commentary, he’s just happy the guy landed on his feet.
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Drew Brees is happy to be the healer when running heroics.
Drew Brees always accepts the charges when you call him collect from jail.
December 3rd, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Reading all these nice things about Drew Brees has made my day brighter.
So, um, Drew Brees will make your day brighter, without asking for anything in return.
December 3rd, 2009 at 4:28 pm
Drew Brees never pisses in the shower
December 3rd, 2009 at 4:35 pm
For my fellow ladies:
Drew Brees will eat you out gleefully, not because he feels obligated to because you just gave him head, but because he thinks you’re beautiful and sexy and he wants you to feel the pleasure he gets from you. And he will hold you afterwards. And make breakfast in the morning.
December 3rd, 2009 at 4:46 pm
See Cat had to go and ruin it … Breesus is making all of us men look bad!!! You suck Breesus!!!
December 3rd, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Drew Brees rents old VHS movies that have not been rewound and rewinds them so the next guy doesn’t have to. he is kind.
December 3rd, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Drew Brees knew your little sister was too drunk to give consent, so he just tucked her in and slept on the couch. You know so no one else would take advantage.
December 3rd, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Drew Brees has his red wings, and will renew them any time you need. Just ask.
December 3rd, 2009 at 5:17 pm
Women say they want Drew Brees to act like a mangina, but they secretly love it when Brees acts like a cocky asshole.
December 3rd, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Drew Brees is Grand Poobah of Tony Dungy’s cult.
December 3rd, 2009 at 6:12 pm
Drew Brees leads by example and challenges you to be as good as He
December 3rd, 2009 at 6:57 pm
Drew Brees coud last all night, but doesn’t because he doesn’t want to show up the guys she’s been with before him. He’s thoughtful like that.
December 3rd, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Drew Brees lets you have control of the remote.
December 3rd, 2009 at 7:49 pm
Drew Brees called shotgun but its cool, you take it man.
December 3rd, 2009 at 7:53 pm
Hey girl, I’m Ryan Gosling, and I approve of Drew Brees.
December 3rd, 2009 at 8:09 pm
Drew Brees refuses to use the N word, even at his KKK meetings and rallies.
December 3rd, 2009 at 8:24 pm
Drew Brees makes sure he’s out of the house when you bring a chick home. No cock-blocks, brah, no cock-blocks.
December 3rd, 2009 at 8:30 pm
Drew Brees neutered my dog for free.
December 3rd, 2009 at 8:31 pm
Drew Brees let someone else have his swine flu vaccination.
December 4th, 2009 at 12:12 am
Where the fuck is Justin Forsett?
December 4th, 2009 at 12:36 am
Drew Brees and Gay Zorro saved an orphanage of 90 hijos from an evil sweatshop owner.
Drew Brees went back to Vietnam to free his old war buddies from a POW camp. He killed 183 gooks with nothing but grenades and his sweet ass arm.
December 4th, 2009 at 4:16 am
I am a Panther’s fan but that GIF still makes me lol
December 4th, 2009 at 4:27 am
Drew Brees ALWAYS answers your cell phone calls.
Drew Brees has jumper cables, a full gas can, and a universal spare tire in his car. Just in case you get into some car trouble.
December 4th, 2009 at 9:22 am
Drew Brees throws for all those yards and TD’s for one reason and one reason only.. for YOUR fantasy team, Brees owners.
And when he has a bad game, it’s because he knows the team playing against you really needs a win. He just wants everyone to be happy.
December 4th, 2009 at 10:34 am
Drew Brees snowblowered* your driveway while he was at it.
Drew Brees borrowed your car for a chips and salsa run (mild, medium, and spicy), and returned it with a full tank.
Drew Brees liked your Affliction shirts so much that he traded you his new Brooks Brothers polos** for them.
* …snowblew? snowblew.
** your size, not his
December 4th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Brees is allergic to eggs, dairy, wheat, and gluten. I suggest the ‘Skins invite Drew for a friendly pre-game breakfast at the local Denny’s.
December 4th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
While participating in passing drills at training camp, Drew Brees once fired a football so far and hard that it broke the fabric of the space-time continuum, traveled back to the post-Crash 1930s and cleaned up in the stock market. The football later joined the local “Why We Fight” committee and helped organize scrap and rubber drives for the war effort.
December 4th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
While participating in passing drills at training camp, Drew Brees once fired a football so far and hard that it broke the fabric of the space-time continuum, traveled back to the post-Crash 1930s and cleaned up in the stock market. The football later joined the local “Why We Fight” committee and helped organize scrap and rubber drives for the war effort in the early 1940s.
December 4th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
When playing Tecmo Bowl, Drew Brees always punts on 4th down.
December 5th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Drew Brees adopted Eric Cartman…and turned him into a good kid.
When Drew Brees got robbed of the MVP award, he was the first to congratulate the winner….and he meant it.
December 6th, 2009 at 1:30 am
Chuck Norris got him a Drew Brees tattoo
December 6th, 2009 at 10:55 am
drew brees told me i’m doing a good job, and not to dwell on my mistakes. nobody’s perfect
December 6th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Drew Brees pees sitting down.
This and the “Jay Cutler…” posts weeks ago are hilarious.