(Christmas Eve)
Santa: Oh, dear! This storm doesn’t seem to be letting up!
Mrs. Claus: Papa, why you so worried? Here. I make-a you-a nice SCUNGILLI. With the pepperoncini.
Santa: Oh, thanks mama!
Mrs. Claus: That’s-a my Santa!
Santa: Oh, I feel bad for all the little children out there tonight. This storm is the worst we’ve EVER faced! Even Rudolph’s nose isn’t bright enough to cut through this much snow and ice! I’m afraid… we may have to cancel Christmas.
Mrs. Claus: But papa! You-a never cancel-a the Christmas! You need-a fresh-a pepper on your chicken parmagnana!
Santa: Well, I just don’t know how we’re going to deliver all these presents in this kind of weather!
(knock on the door)
Voice: Open up! It’s not a fit night out for man nor beast! NOR ROBERTO HUMIDOR!
Santa: Well, who could that be? Mama, could you get the door?
Mrs. Claus: Of course. And I-a bring-a you-a some fresh SALTIMBOCCA.
(door flies open, smell of egg nog farts wafts in)
Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, SANTA?
Santa: Why, it’s coach Ryan of the Jets!
Ryan: Hey! I smell meatball subs! You got meatball subs in here, lady? I bet you do! I bet you do, you saucy little bitch!
Mrs. Claus: Ooh hoo hoo hoo! I make-a you a plate!
Ryan: No plates necessary! Just throw it and I’ll catch it all with my mouth! Santa, Mrs. C, lemme tell you something. I have had a HELL of a Christmas Eve. We had turkey for dinner, and when I sat down to relax afterwards, I must have farted at least thirty fucking times. BUT I SMOTHERED ALL OF THEM WITH MY TURKEY-STUFFED ASS! Then, when Rob fell asleep next to me, I finally got up and released them all at once! I CALL THAT THE OZONE. I’m my own dutch oven!
(chugs wassal)
Santa: Why, that sounds like great fun!
Mrs. Claus: Papa, how-a you gonna make-a you own dutch oven with such a little ass? Kids expect a Santa with a big ass!
Ryan: She’s right, Gift Boy! You need to get chompin’! Now, first order of business around here. NICKNAMES. Santa, I don’t really like your name. I don’t like the a at the end. Make you sounds like a twat. My half-Mexicali QB with a shit knee says any guy with an a on the end of his name, in his culture, is either a woman, or about to be made one! HOW ABOUT THAT NACHO? Now, from here on out, your name is THE BIG PEPPERMINT!
Santa: Okay.
Ryan: Mrs. Claus! From now on, your new name is FRA DIAVOLO. Because you’re Italian, and you’re spicy, and want you covering me!
Mrs. Claus: (blushes)
Ryan: God damn, you are one fine looking Eskimo wop lady. Hey Big Peppermint, you hit that pussy every night? Do you? DO YOU FUCKING KILLLL THAT PUSSY?
Santa: Well, I…
Ryan: OHHHHHHHH! Oh! Oh, ol’ Minty has a big ol’ toy to deliver down that pussychimney! That’s some good pussy right there, old timer. YOU RESPECT IT.
(whips out chewing tobacco)
Chaw, anyone? Chaw? No? Okay. Now! The reindeer! Lemme get a load of these little hunks of venison.
Santa: Oh well there’s Dasher, and Dancer…
Ryan: What the fuck? Dasher and Dancer? What is this, a fucking Broadway play? Do these reindeer fly and suck cock at the same time? BULLSHIT. From now on, these reindeer are getting new names! Except Blitzen! I like the cut of his jib! The rest of them will be named Fucker, Killer, Hacksaw, Pussyblaster, Cockfrost, Axeman, and Blitzen 2! You got those names right?
Santa: Well, I…
Ryan: Next order of business. MIDGETS! El Minto, I heard you got some midgets working here.
Hermey: I’m a dentist!
Ryan: You’re a cumswiller is what you are, boy. Listen Santa, these little midgets are adorable. I’ll give you that. But they sure don’t look motivated to me!
(sniffs own armpit)
Santa: Well, there’s this big snow tonight, and I just don’t know if we can get our sleigh off the ground!
Ryan: You called the right man, Mintburger.
Santa: I didn’t call you.
Ryan: NOT IMPORTANT! Now, all of you listen to me. Peppermint. Deer. Midgets. Fra Diavolo spicepussy. I want all of you to gather round right now.
(everyone gathers)
Ryan: You think a little snow ever got in the way of a Rex Ryan team? You think my Jets would ever pussy out on a game because of Jesus’ confetti?
Everyone: No.
Ryan: Goddamn right, they wouldn’t. I wouldn’t let them. And I’m not gonna let you. People, there are two kinds of people in the world. People who say, “I can’t,” and fucking WINNERS. And midgets, but that’s neither here nor there. When I look around this room, I don’t see a bunch of crying pussies. I don’t see a group of people who are ready to give up before they even bother trying. That’s not what life is about. It’s not about quitting before you even start. You try, and go like Hell, and if you come up short, well fuck it. That’s the way it goes sometimes. WINNERS ARE NEVER FUCKING AFRAID TO FAIL. I don’t go by this REFUSE TO LOSE bullshit. You’re gonna lose sometimes. You’re gonna get your heart broken. BUT WINNERS ALWAYS FUCKING GO FOR IT ANYWAY. IN RAIN. SLEET. SNOW. HAIL. FROGS. WHATEVER. THEY ATTACK! THEY FUCKING KILLLLLLLLLLL!!!! ARE YOU FUCKERS READY TO FUCKING KILL?
Everyone: Yes.
Ryan: ARE YOU GONNA RIP A NEW CUNT IN THAT SNOWSTORM AND PLOW RIGHT THROUGH IT?
Everyone: Yes.
Ryan: SAY IT LIKE YOU FUCKING MEAN IT!
Everyone: YES!
Ryan: You are going to go out there, and you are going to fucking FLY. You are going to get this sleigh off the ground, and we are going to fucking ROCK THIS FUCKING CHRISTMAS. Then we’re all gonna go out for Abominable Snow Monster steaks and brandy! AND WE’RE GONNA FUCK SOME YETI TANG! And make gingerbread women and eat only their crotches! AND WE’RE GONNA TRIM THE TREE WITH HUMAN EARS! You fucking ready to do this?
Everyone: YES!
Ryan: Fucking bring it in.
(everyone brings it in)
Ryan: FUCKING KILL ON THREE ONE TWO THREE!
Everyone: KILL!
Elf: Holy crap, I want him to be Santa next year.
Ryan: You got it, Taquito.
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rex ryan should just quit footbal and go around naming things… blitzen II…heheheheh…
I know I’m repeating, but Jesus confetti, friggin classic phrase. NFL Films needs to use that phrase when going over old games played in the snow. (BART STARR DIVING THROUGH THE JESUS CONFETTI IN THE FROZEN TUNDRA…)
Love both Rex Ryan pics. Classic. One can only hope the other Ryan boy takes over for Mannotgenius in Cleveland so we can read some of those!
There are two kinds of people in the world. People who say, “I can’t,” and fucking WINNERS. And midgets, but that’s neither here nor there.
There are lots of great lines, but this was the one that I really lost it on. Fucking gold.
Almost fell off my bed at jesus’ confetti. Excellent Rex Ryan poast. Although, a tad early no?
@DixieNormess: Yes, yes I did.
Oh Rex Ryan, you had me at egg nog farts and meatball sub.
Oops, double posted. My bad.
I fucking love Rex Ryan. He’s amazing.
I fucking love Rex Ryan.
Rex is better than Breesus
This is my favorite column on the site.
That Rex Ryan picture cracks me up every time.
or “parmigiana” if you are a STUPID biy…
That’s “parmgiana” WASP boy
“Spicepussy” was always my favorite of the Spice Girls.
LET’S RIP A NEW CUNT IN THIS SNOWSTORM…CLASSIC REX RYAN.
I was really hoping for “How Rex Ryan Stole Christmas,” in rhyme and featuring Poontango as Max the dog. But rhyming’s pretty goddamn hard, and I can’t imagine that “Cockfrost” could have been worked into it. Actually, I’m almost positive “Cockfrost” could have been worked into it, but this is still amazing.
Maybe it’s just me, but I’d be kind of curious to hear his nickname for the Sling-Blade-y Kellen Clemens.
SO. FUCKING. LOFTY.
I was lost at first, but as soon as I realized that Coach Ryan was on the other side of the jump my smile was ear to ear.
Damn fine work Drew!
Holy shit! I want to run through a fucking wall right now. Seriously, I’m going to read this shit before anything important I have to do. Winner fucking kill man, they tear that pussy up. They destroy that pussy! A-Fucking-Men Rex!
/ lets out war cry.
holy shit, this was funny. “…you are one fine looking Eskimo wop lady” had me LOL’ing…
Brilliant. This made me like Christmas again.
/wants Rex Ryan to give me a nickname
I’m interested to know which KSKharacters are on The Big Peppermint’s “Naughty” and “Nice” lists…
I’m interested to know which KSKharacters are on Sant–er, The Big Peppermint’s “Nice” and “Naughty” lists…
Coach Ryan is a pretty good coach, all things considered.
From this point forward, Santa would like to be referred to be his full name:
Santonio Holmes Claus
started off weak, finished STRONG!
I wish coach Ryan was my father. Don’t get me wrong, my dad is pretty cool, but still…
Calling a chick Fra Diavolo? That fatass Paddy Mick Fenian bastard better double-check his Guinea Wop Dago-speak.
Yukon Cornelius would tame Rex “Bumble” Ryan, then Hermie would yank all his teeth, and the story would end with Rex putting the star atop the tree.
/ Mrs Claus was ’60s fine when she was young
// “That’s a different story”
What TyMo said.
Was that a reference to “the fatal glass of beer”? If so, wow
If only these pussies down in Houston would’ve had this post last week when it snowed a little on Friday and everyone lost their shit like the world was ending. Schools and businesses shut down, people locked themselves indoors; it was disgusting.
Good to know the dippin Coach Ryan’s doing isn’t salsa.
“The rest of them will be named Fucker, Killer, Hacksaw, Pussyblaster, Cockfrost, Axeman, and Blitzen 2!”
My work neighbor looked at me concerned when I burst out laughing at that line.
Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas this year is the ability to use “rip a new cunt in it” at work twice a day.
Thanks
Miles
PS: Also, a pony would be nice.
Tiny Tim needs to learn how to slide.
/eats only the crotch of a ginger
//is doing it wrong
///keeps eating
Is it true Mrs Claus spends summers at the Jersey Shore?
Some men are born Rex Ryan, some achieve Rex Ryan, and some have Rex Ryan thrust upon them. These are all fucking awesome.
Wouldn’t you like to shop with Rex Ryan on Black Friday! Those 5AM specials would be slaughtered!
What I want for Christmas is for Buddy Ryan to call Rex and for the two of them to have a good long talk about how to treat offensive coordinators. Especially with Dirty Nacho benched for the week.
Also, at all the people talking about how Mrs. Claus shouldn’t be Italian, I always thought the Christmas Specials always showed her that way. (Then again, that could just be projection.)
Abominable Snow Monster steaks are now on the menu for Christmas…
Gotta be better than Kobe – I mean that thing eats deer and elves, right?
Christmas has truly come early this year. Despite my burning hatred for the Jets, I almost want them to make the playoffs just so we can continue being inspired by Coach Ryan. And Rex calling Hermey a cumswiller made my fucking day.
Rex Ryan has made the holiday season full of pussy and murder. Best holiday season EVER.
http://www.sketchysantas.com/
That is all.
A sideline full of Harbaughs and still not half the motivation of Rex.
From now on, these reindeer are getting new names! Except Blitzen! I like the cut of his jib!
Awesome.
@ U.U. I have to believe his chew is pussy flavored.
I always imagined Ryan saying “KILLLLL” like a deranged Yukon Cornelius. So this works for me.
As a Jew, that brought a tear to my eye, knowing I will never know the joy of a Rex Ryan Christmas.
/lights Hannukah Bush
//makes latkes
///spins dreidel
Donner used to be my favorite Reindeer, but now its Pussyblaster
Italian women: As hot as Brazilian women but much better cooks. Also batshit crazy.
/stereotyping is so fun
I really think Coach Ryan needs to meet the cast of Jersey Shore.
Does Ape know that Rex stole his hat?
Christmas: awesomed.
I bet Ryan’s chaw is bacon flavored.
/patents bacon flavored chaw
Then, when Rob fell asleep next to me, I finally got up and released them all at once! I CALL THAT THE OZONE.
Christmas at the Ryans is likely the most epic Christmas of all. Nothing but pussy meat and gravy.
Rex sounds more like Gunnery Sergeant Hartman with every surprise appearance.
I just got motivated to do work
/checks free agent list for playoffs again
You ruined christmas by making the Claus family Italian.
/puts on brass knuckles
//waits
Rex Ryan v. Yukon Cornelius: who ya got?
“your new name is FRA DIAVOLO. Because you’re Italian, and you’re spicy, and want you covering me!”
I will be using this line on the wife tonight
Rex Ryan would have made a great running mate for Howard Dean. Or the other way around.
If Monica Bellucci plays Mrs. Claus in the movie version of this…count me in
I’m glowing right now. Ear to ear smile. That was glorious.
Miamidiesel, every old lady should be Italian. They’d be better cooks.
i cry every time i read these becasue todd haley only wishes he could be like rex ryan
/loves eating ginger crotch
God, this sure gets me in the Christmas spirit.
You don’t gently unwrap the presents. YOU FUCKING TEAR THROUGH THOSE GODDAMN BOXES LIKE A FUCKING ANIMAL!
Anyone else imagine Mrs. Claus’ voice as Mario?
“Itsa me!”
/wishes to purchase Yeti Tang ASAP
Pussychimney. Another word to add to my list of Rex Ryan words to use in everyday life
this is the greatest gift of all.
GOD BLESS US, EVERYONE.
Cockfrost is my dogs new name
Excellent. Though since when is Mrs. Claus Italian? Is this part of the further guidofication of our culture as part of the aftermath of Jersey Shore?