mailbag-12-4

The mailbag this week is brought to you — belated, I know — by sadness and apathy. Not that I’ve ever been accused of giving out solid fantasy football advice before, but this past Sunday was a painful reminder that I’m very much an amateur. And hell, even if I weren’t an amateur, I’m confident that NFL players and coaches would still find a way to brutally destroy my fantasy football expectations.

Yes, I left wins on the bench in both my leagues this past week. I don’t mind that so much — it’s part of fantasy, and it’s not like I could really expect Fred Jackson to collect 110+ yards and two touchdowns. (Although wouldn’t it be nice if fantasy leagues threw you SOME kind of bone if you were a better manager? Like how the NHL throws a bone to the team that loses in the shootout that tie-loss thing? I’d appreciate that.)

No, what I minded was Tom Cable putting Nnamdi Asomugha on Roy Williams instead of Miles Austin. Austin had been sucking for a couple of weeks since breaking out, and I figured that the league’s best shutdown corner (apologies to Darrelle Revis) would be on the Cowboys’ best receiver, because everyone with eyes knows that Roy Williams is fucking useless. Nope. Austin had 7 catches for 145 yards and a TD.

But hey, no worries! My team lit shit up. Donald Driver, Percy Harvin, and Jamaal Charles all had great games, and I went into Monday night’s game with a 40-point lead and Tom Brady against my opponent, who had Drew Brees and Robert Meachem. Why, the only way he could possibly catch me is if Brees played out of his mind, gave Meachem more looks than usual, and Bill Belichick foolishly tried to stick with a running game and pulled Brady halfway into the 4th quarter. Ha ha ha! It could never happen!

Anyway, you know how this ends. Brees’s last TD pass gave my opponent the lead, and I still could have won if Brady had gone out and thrown a garbage TD instead of getting pulled. Or, ya know, if I’d started Miles Austin.

Let that be a warning to you that I know nothing about fantasy. However, I’m decent at fucking, so let’s get on with this. Up first, an update to the guys who were short one league member after he got busted for pedophilia:

My fantasy league won’t be able to use your great advice regarding Ryan “Humbert Humbert” Huff as the state of Missouri has already dealt out his punishment. From STLToday:

“Ryan A. Huff, 25, pleaded guilty in federal court here Tuesday to felony charges of enticement of a child, receipt of child pornography, transfer of obscene materials to a minor, and production and possession of child porn. Officials said he met a 12-year-old girl online and persuaded her and her 13-year-old friend through cell phone calls and text messages to send him nude pictures. The plea agreement says he had sex with the younger girl and fondled the older girl. Court documents also say he sent pictures of his genitals to the 12-year-old and two other young girls. Both sides agreed to recommend a 25-year prison term at his sentencing Feb. 12. Huff still faces state sex charges in Jefferson County. His lawyer did not return a call seeking comment Wednesday.”
Best,
Raskolnikov

As always, we appreciate the update. Maybe you’ll have an open spot for him in your fantasy league in 2034.

Mon freres,
no fantasy football.

Just as well, given my mood this week.

sex: okay, not sex per se. but related to women. recently my good friend and housemate contacted an ex girlfriend of mine (four months broken up, two relationships since) out of the blue to have coffee. they met through me, and once she and i broke up they didn’t remain friends. but he says he’s lonely and always appreciated her, so he’s asking her to have coffee w/ her. he says its not romantic, though honestly i think if she cast a line he’d bite. am i justified in being a little annoyed by this turn of events? i dont think they’ll start dating or anything, and on some level i’ve moved on so what do i care, but i still feel a little territorial, like, find your own fucking women. is every girl i bring home now going to be his for leftovers? what are the ground rules on this sort of thing, emotional intimacy w/ friends’ exes? do i just need to grow up on this one?
thanks,
-evan

It’s hard to claim any rights to a woman after you’ve broken up and both moved on, but make no bones about it: lonely or not, your friend is kind of a dick. With his actions, he’s stated loud and clear that your ex-girlfriend is more important to him than you are. He may be your housemate, but he’s definitely not your good friend.

Dear KSK,
Fantasy Football: My brother wouldn’t let me join his league cause I’m a girl. Chauvinist.

Sex: So like any typical female college student I often find myself waking up next to some guy after a hazy night of fucking or whatever else. Usually, I’ve never met the guy before the the previous night.

Whatever else? Oh, slutty college girl. Bless your little heart.

Is it wrong to just get the hell out of there without waking the guy up? I’ve done the whole sit there and wait for the guy to wake up and see if he offers you another fuck or a ride home, but the few times I’ve done this, it’s been painfully awkward and I end up walking home without the extra go-round.

Really? I’ve always thought that morning sex was an essential part of a drunken hook-up. Who says no to a 2-for-1 deal? Of course, I’ve never seen you before, but even if there’s some… uh, “buyer’s remorse”… you’re still a willing female in bed with them, right?

Anyway, no: nothing wrong with getting the hell out of there before he wakes up. You’re the girl giving it up to strangers. You can do no wrong.

In the same vein, what do I do if I see the guy I escaped around campus at a later date? Say hi? Or immediately begin fishing for something in my bag?
-DG

[UPDATE: Forgot to answer this in the first version published.]

Depends on whether you WANT to say hi to him. If you want to avoid contact, I’d suggest following commenter SafetyDan’s advice and faking a phone conversation. Otherwise, there’s nothing wrong with smiling and waving. Awkwardness only exists in our heads; if you act like it’s not a big deal, then it isn’t.

Dear KSK,
Fantasy: I can only start two: DeAngelo Williams vs. TB / Pierre Thomas @ Washington / Mendenhall vs. Oakland

I’d go with DeAngelo and Mendenhall. With Delhomme finally benched, the Panthers will look to focus on the run. And you never know when Sean Payton is going to give Mike Bell 20 carries on a whim.

Also, since Matt Ryan is out that leaves me with the Sulking One vs. St. Louis. Am I fucked and in need of a waiver wire asshole, or is that a good enough matchup? LIVES are counting on this.

Anyone against St. Louis ever is a good matchup.

Sex-ish: My friend is driving two and a half hours into town this weekend just to knock out a slump-buster from some local girl he knows will give it up. He said he’ll probably not be in the mood to spend the night at her place. I live with my girlfriend and she’s not really excited about the thought of him coming here to crash at 5 in the morning two nights in a row stinking of whore. I’m not sure I mind even though there’s no pretense that the trip is in any way for spending quality time with us. Can I convince her to not be a cock-block?
Hugs and kisses,
THIS GUY has a friend in need of a nut, we call him the Nutcracker

You certainly can. You know how relationships work: compromise. This one’s probably gonna cost you some expensive dinners or annoying chores or whatever it is that your girlfriend likes and you hate. That’s the sort of thing a guy does for his friend. In turn, your friend owes you a fuckload of drinks.

Dudes-
I’ll try to keep it short and sweet. Football: In the 9th year of our league, we’ve decided to add a keeper to the mix. My team has been a huge bust this year. My top two picks (Turner and Megatron) have been decent, but we lose the pick in whatever round we took the player we eventually declare as our keeper. Right now, I’m leaning towards keeping Kenny Britt. He’s been pretty good in the last few games and I grabbed him from the waiver wire, so he wouldn’t cost me a pick. Is that sensible at all? I could also keep Sims-Walker for free. Recommendations?

Let me ask you this: if you got rid of Michael Turner, just who would you be able to select in the 1st round that would be an upgrade? Right now, in a non-PPR league, Turner is the 9th-ranked running back in the NFL — even after missing a game to injury (and more to come, it looks like). Turner is one season removed from CRUSHING IT last year, and he’s only going to be 28 years old after just two seasons of being a team’s primary RB.

So who’s going to be available in the first round that will be better than Turner? You think someone’s going to give up Adrian Peterson or Maurice Jones-Drew or Ray Rice?

I’m not definitely saying “keep Turner,” but be realistic about the value you’re going to get.

Sex: I’m 28. I have a reasonably active sex life with my soon-to-be wife. I work from home, so if I’m not getting it from the fiancee, I can always take care of myself. HOWEVER… I still have the occasional “nighttime evacuation” like a 12-year old. The other odd thing about this is that while I often have sexual dreams (in which my boudoir prowess far outweighs my real-world sexual acumen), the dreams in which I end up with soggy boxers usually involve premature ejaculation. Should I be worried? Does this happen to a lot of people in their late 20′s, or am I some sort of medical mystery stuck in an eternal puberty? If it’s the latter, do you have the number for Dr. House?
-20 Years of Pubescence RULZ

I don’t think it’s necessarily normal, but I wouldn’t be worried. In fact, I’m a little jealous. I’ve only had one wet dream ever (as an adult following a drunken night of sex that didn’t result in climax), and I rather liked it. It was like, “Wow, I just came using only the power of mind!” Kind of exciting. And much better than the dreams I have about hired assassins hunting me down.

Dear KSK,
Fantasy: Have you been watching “The League” on FX?

Yes.

I initially saw the promo’s and thought it was going to be an absolute shithole. But, as I am possibly the laziest man alive, I watched an episode when it popped up on tivo recommendations (that little fucker knows me too well). It is actually hilarious, if not a bit forced.

While the show isn’t without faults, it’s definitely a good addition to FX’s lineup, and I think there’s a lot of room for it to get better in coming seasons. Also, if you’re interested in reading one of the most ignorant articles ever, check out the asshole the Washington Post assigned to review it.

Sex: Is it normal to not enjoy making out? I feel like im beyond that in my life and my relationship. Once your [arrrrgh SIC!] dating for a while, it loses its mystery (What’s she going to do with her tongue? Maybe she knows some tricks I don’t?) Kissing is one thing, but if I’m sober, I don’t find any joy in locking tongues. It’s kind of gross, and it feels juvenile to me. Anyone else feel this way?
-DL

Hey, don’t blame your lady for wanting to make out with you. She just wants your Cytomegalovirus to protect the babies she’s going to have with you. It’s science.

Don’t worry about what’s normal or not normal — we all have our little peccadilloes. However, you happen to not like something that’s pretty commonly expected in a new relationship. The good news is that once you’re married — note the contraction, please — and have kids, this won’t be a problem for you.

Dear KSK,
Fantasy first: I am in a fantasy league where the guy who’s in the lead hasn’t ponied up his entry fee yet. If he were to win, should we not allow him to collect? He says that he’ll pay, but only if he loses. What kind of asshattery is this and should it be tolerated?

This is asshattery of the highest order, and no, it shouldn’t be tolerated. The commissioner should lock him out of accessing his lineup (or forfeit his games, if that’s possible) until he pays up.

Sex second: My girlfriend and I have been dating for over five years. We own a home together and have a 10 month old baby. She’s my best friend and I love her, but I don’t like her sometimes. We fight, and we fight often. I bought a ring about a year ago and she told me to take it back before I proposed because of the issues we were having. I know both of us want it to work, but we also don’t want to be miserable for the next fifty years if it’s not meant to be. Of course all of this is complicated by the fact that we have a baby. I can’t imagine being with anyone else, but I also know that I’m not really all that happy. Making matters worse, we have a sub-par sex life and by that I mean, we don’t have one. I haven’t cheated on her and don’t plan to, but it’s tough especially now that I have a career, I make money, and women seem interested in me. I’m not sure what to do. I don’t know whether every guy goes through this and I need to man up or if I’m actually in a bad relationship and both of us would be better off being single parents. Any suggestions?
Thanks,
Not sure whether to punt or go for 4th & 2

Two words: Professional. Counseling. The answer you seek is not on a blog that specializes in dick jokes. Good luck.

KSKers,
Football first since it’s short and the sex will be long (that’s what she said): Standard scoring plus .25 PPR. Either Santonio Holmes versus Oakland or Kevin Walter versus Jacksonville as my 2nd WR. And then the “loser” of those two or Knowshon Moreno versus KC in my flex. I’m leaning towards the two guys with weird first names.

I’d disagree with you on Santonio and start Kevin Walter. Why? Because Hines Ward is the Steelers’ #1 receiver, which means Coach Cable will probably put Nnamdi Asomugha on Santonio JUST TO FUCK YOU. ISN’T THAT RIGHT, TOM CABLE? YOU FUCKING FAT WIFE-BEATING PIECE OF SHIT.

Sex: So I’ve been dating this girl for about a month now (we started hooking up a month prior). And it’s definitely a great relationship.But although we have good communication about everything non-sexual in the relationship, we don’t really discuss sex that often. As a result, our sex — which happens often enough — is pretty basic. I’m not really complaining since I previously had a really long dry spell, so getting off is getting off regardless.

But there is something else I’d like to do. While I’m definitely attracted to her for all the non-physical reasons (personality, similar interests etc…) the biggest reason reason I’m physically attracted to her is that she has big tits. And I just love big boobs (then again who doesn’t). In fact, my biggest realistic fantasy is to titty fuck someone. But I’ve never been with a girl with big enough boobs to do it. So how do I go about asking her for that? It’s not exactly the nicest thing to say “Hey can I titty fuck you?” Even saying “Can I place my dick in between your boobs” doesn’t really sound persuasive. Again, we’ve never asked each other to do something specifically, so should I just go for it and see what happens?
Thanks,
Johnny Poker

Ah, titty fucking. We’ve addressed this before, and I’ve often lamented that there isn’t a more genteel term for it. We recommend “breastlove” which — if properly inspired by the Roots’ ?uestlove — can be written in Internet parlance as ( o )( o )<3

Maj’s advice the last time around:

Like with everything else in the bedroom, move things along slowly. Your best bet is to trick her with the old massage switcheroo. You start with her lying on her stomach, then convince her to roll over to get the full treatment. Be sure to apply the massage oil (crisco for our southern readers) liberally and then head straight for tittytown. Once she’s nice and oily begin to make your move. And remember, if she is offended just claim that you slipped, because hey, her tits are really fucking slippery.

Gents of Gridiron and Groping,
Football First: I’ve been graced with the problem of having two phenomenal TEs… Antonio Gates and Vernon Davis. Both are guaranteed double digits, but figuring out when one is going 20+ each week has driven me up a wall. Unfortunately, my wide receiver corps is shit. Outside of Sidney Rice, I’ve managed to cobble together Sims-Walker, Housh, and Miles Austin (This is a start 3 WR, PPR League). With this week being the final week before the playoffs, should I try to trade off one of those TEs for a wide out, and who for what?

I had a similar “problem” this year, also in a 3-WR league, when I had Tony Gonzalez and Brett Celek. I traded Celek for some spare parts just before the trade deadline just to remove that annoyance. Probably not the smartest thing if Tony gets hurt, but whatever. As for you, I’d be more inclined to hold on to Gates just because he’s more of a proven commodity and I like his QB situation better. Take a look at your league’s rosters and see if anyone has a tight end who doesn’t produce for shit (hello, John Carlson) and see if you can upgrade at WR.

Sex Second: My wife and I already have one crumb cruncher (almost 6), and we were going to go for Number 2 this year. The thought was she’d stop her birth control in July, give it a few months for the drugs to work out of her system, and her pregnancy would be timed perfectly to end just as she graduated college in summer. Sure enough, my wife fucked up this semester, and she’s going back on birth control. Of course, to be super safe while she gets back on the pill, it’s back to Condomville. Consider that we haven’t used rubbers for about 8 years, and you can see the issue: I couldn’t feel shit, and my wife said it felt like her vibrator was off. I know I’ve only got about a month of this before I can go back to raw-doggin’ it, but there’s gotta be something to make the jimmy hat worthwhile.
-M

Pfffft. You’re married, you’re going to try to have another kid anyway, and she can still attend classes while pregnant. Ditch the condoms and pull out.

KSK fun boys,
First the sex. More advice, than a question. When getting a hand job, I suggest stroking it yourself and let your lady work the balls. Do you agree?

Nope. When getting a hand job, I suggest the woman use her mouth or vagina instead.

Fantasy football: do I start Ryan Grant v. Ravens, or Jonathan Stewart v. Bucs? This is a PPR league. Another league I’m in: Slaton v. Jags or Hightower v. Vikes? This is not a PPR league.
Keep fucking that chicken,
John F.

Eek. Well, if I’m going to be consistent in my guess about the Panthers’ running game… Stewart? On the other hand, I don’t ordinarily like recommending a #2 RB over a starter who gets almost all of his team’s carries. Grant’s probably the safer pick, although Stewart probably offers a higher ceiling. And take Slaton versus the Jags. Don’t mess with the Vikes’ D.

Patrons of the Matron,
Sex: My girlfriend and I both enjoy public sex (as in covert operations, not full-fledged exhibitionism). We have done the deed in parking lots, dressing rooms, a pool (not recommended) and various other locales. One time, while snowboarding, she led me into the trees where she proceeded to give me a BJ, it was the greatest thing ever. But now, she has started to push the envelope a little. I understand that the danger of being caught is what makes it so hot, but she is bringing up ideas that almost guarantee that. For example, she has thought of a public park, the beach, and all manner of public transit systems. I am not very keen on any of these. So my question is, do you have any suggestions of places to get down and dirty that are relatively safe?

Changing rooms. Bars or restaurants with unisex bathrooms. Rooftops. Ooh! Stairwells in buildings with elevators. That’s a fun one.

Fantasy: Not really a question, I would just like to state that I hope Jay Cutler gets AIDS and dies a long and painful death.
-PublicFucker

As do Bears fans.

You know what? This has been cathartic. I’m almost not suicidal about last week’s losses any more. Thanks, everybody.