So, the KSK sex advice/fantasy football mailbag is on the way later this afternoon, but we thought it necessary to spotlight the following submission separately. It’s too long for inclusion in the mailbag, but it would be a shame not to share it.

Gentlemen,
I have two problems. Well more, but only two I’m going to burden you with. The set up is:

It is 3 am, I’m at my place with a lovely Vietnamese girl I’ve been dating for a month, I’ll call her Nguyen.

I’ve always wanted to meet a hot chick named that. I’d just love to flame out spectacularly:

so-solly

“Nguyen, huh? Nguyen do we start bangin’?!?”

Anyway. Continue, please.

We have a fire going, we’re pleasantly buzzed, naked and in the middle of coitus on the couch. Life is damn good. Then the door suddenly opens as my ex-girlfriend lets herself in.

Ooohhh, things are about to get crazy. Or sexy. Or crazy sexy!

I want to take a moment to stress to the KSK Community “Do not date single mothers.” I broke up with the ex four months ago, but she won’t move on. She’s 30, a single and never wed mother and convinced I’m her later last chance to walk down the aisle with someone. Bitch be crazy. She does shit like cruise through my regular drinking haunts on Friday so she can “bump” into me and talk. In one of the previous mailbags someone said something along the lines of “Google Image Search doesn’t have children, go with that.” That right there was advice I should have listened to, you should definitely listen to it.

Anyways, I live alone and no one has any business coming to my place at 3 am, so both of us are startled. I start grabbing around for my laptop, the closest thing that I think of in terms of being a weapon. As the ex steps in, Nguyen rolls off me, grabs her purse off the coffee table and pulls a handgun out of it.

/starts getting hard

A rather nice Glock 31 loaded with 15 rounds of “Fuck You, Die of Hydrostatic Shock” .357 SIG.

/fully erect

Nguyen is standing there naked, chest heaving, two handed grip on the pistol and a nice stance.

/finished

I on the other hand am down on the ground looking like a chump as I try to pull my laptop out from under the sofa so I can brain the home invader with a Dell. Nguyen was pretty damn hot, and I’ll admit part of me was thinking “Pull the trigger.” The ex screamed and hit the deck, also pretty nice, and once Nguyen had determined that the intruder was my ex and not a serial killer she lowered the pistol, so no shots fired or anything.

“Oh, it’s just you. Come in and have a glass of wine, why don’t you?”

Back when the ex was my girlfriend I had given her a key to the place, which she apparently had copied. I got the original back, she kept the copy. She was coming by to “get some stuff” or some bullshit. I figure she was aiming to catch me drunk, lonely and horny, in hopes she have better luck with me in that state. Luckily my current gun toting girlfriend believes that the ex was uninvited, as opposed to me sneaking around and having the ex over for the night.

Yes, especially since she owns a gun.

I changed the locks out the next morning and called the police to report the illegal entry, so that’s dealt with. I’m pretty sure the cops coming by with the court summons has made it clear to the ex that it is over.

Another sign it’s over: your new girlfriend pointing a pistol at her.

I’m going to offer the ex a deal where she pays for all court costs related to a restraining order in exchange for me dropping the illegal entry charges, not that you care.

The first problem is the gun. I don’t mind guns, I have a nice little arsenal of guns myself, but they’re kept in the basement in a very nice gun safe. I’m in my mid-twenties and worry one or more of drinking buddies is the kind of guy that would get drunk and do something incredibly dumb with a firearm. So when they come over I make sure all weapons are locked up in the dark corner of the basement. My girlfriend though apparently always has this handgun, a present from her father, in her handbag. (If I’d known this when I went to see Twilight with her I’d have ended my misery about 45 minutes into the movie and I’d have taken those teenager girls in front of us with me.) So when everyone is over, drinking, watching the Lions and thinking suicidal thoughts that Glock is right there on an end table.

I’ve expressed a fear that someone is going to find the gun at some point (knock her purse over it and it falls out, notice a gun shaped bulge and get curious, etc) and I’m uncomfortable with there being a loaded weapon lying around during certain times. I don’t mind when it is just us, but when the drinking buddies are over I’d like to toss her pistol in the gun safe. She countered with the fact that we’ve been dating for a bit over a month and no one has noticed yet. It’s been a problem for two weeks now. I’m about to cave because I don’t want to fuck up the relationship over this. Do you guys think this is a healthy thing for me to drop or what here? I feel somewhat irresponsible about the loaded gun hanging out in the purse, but I’d rather not fuck the relationship over it.

Your house, your rules. Go ahead and put on some big-boy pants, then tell your girlfriend that you don’t like it when she has a loaded handgun in her purse when your friends are over, and that she needs to put it in the gun safe. This is the sort of thing that needs to be addressed up front, or it becomes a bigger problem later on.

Secondly, while I said I know I said that my girlfriend believes I’m totally separated from the ex, I feel like I should take steps to prove that I really am. Is this an overreaction here, or do I need to make a few gestures here? Right now when my girlfriend calls I always make sure to answer and say her name to make it clear I’m not sneaking around.

Even better than her name? Terms of endearment such as “baby,” beautiful,” and “my little yellow fuck pony.”

Frankly, I don’t think you need to make too big of a deal out of it. Just be attentive and giving and all the other crap that comes with being a dutiful boyfriend, and she’ll never have reason to believe otherwise.

Fantasy Football, I’m terrible, bottom of my league. Stick a fork in me, I’m done. On the other hand I’m hooking up with a gun toting Vietnamese girl. You know what? I don’t really mind sucking at fantasy football.
-Gun Grabber?

Yeah, I’d say you came out ahead in the grand scheme of things.

PS: If it matters, we both live in a low crime area, so I hope I’ll never need near instant access to a firearm.

You know what’s going to be fun in the comments? The handful of liberal douchebags who will ignore all the awesome parts of this story to discuss the dangers of hand guns in society. Hey fuckos, lay off the Second Amendment for a moment and bask in the glory of sex getting interrupted by a home-invading single mother ex-girlfriend that results in a naked Vietnamese woman pointing a gun at her. How can you be against guns after that?

(video via Everything is Terrible)