When we last left lucky St. Pierre Peter King, he was being far too nice to us over email, telling Steelers fans not to worry (all you have to do is go 4-4 the rest of the way and then you’ll be able to enjoy getting knocked out in Round 1, guys!), and introducing us to the lovely and talented Ivan Poon. Oh, Ivan Poon. You made my week last week.

But what about this week? What deep-throated words are in store for us? Will Peter finally discover what makes egg nog taste like egg nog? (Hint: it’s the eggs!). Will Dennis Dixon dazzle Peter with his quiver full of gorgeous passes that are also horribly inaccurate? Will Matthew Stafford’s moaning send him spiraling into ecstasy once more? Read on… BUT FIRST! A reader chimes in!

You may remember Peter’s lofty dissertation on the excellence of the Pacific Northwest last week. People there… they talk! And they ride bikes! They’re so exotic, like the Chinese! Anyway, there was this semi-Whitmanish passage in the post:

Green Lake, just north of the city, was a 3.2-mile slice of heaven, with about a dozen different pines and other trees with late-turning leaves ringing a pristine lake

Well, reader Josh B noticed this passage and sent us this email in response:

I think the most hilarious thing about the PK’s column was the bit about Green Lake in Seattle. I live eight blocks from Green Lake and love the area, but calling the lake “pristine” is, um, not right.

Green Lake has no outlets, it’s basically a stagnant pond, thanks to development in the area removing its one outflow creek. It has to be closed to swimmers several times a year thanks to botulism problems and assorted liver toxins that show up. You have to shower after swimming in it lest you suffer from “swimmer’s itch”. They had to institute a program to murder geese around the lake because they were shitting all over the place.

Also: Saying that this is a less electronic city is mind boggling. I’m pretty sure I’m going to die from brain cancer just due to my fellow commuters on the bus working their iBerries and laptops so hard. The last time anybody made eye contact with another human during my commute was about eight years ago. They put a plaque on the seat. In conclusion: I’m pretty sure Peter King has never been to this city.

Ace detective work, Joshua. Now, onto this week’s column. Be warned. There are many shocking developments coming to the NFL this week. Charlie Weis as the new HEAD COACH of New England? The Wachowski Brothers buying the Rams? AISHA TYLER IS GOING INTO PORN? Intriguing. Those are all incredible things that WON’T happen. But could!

The Chargers want to show they’re not your father’s Bolts.

Rather than look at the narrow 30-23 victory in Cleveland with negativity, I look at it as an example of San Diego growing up.

They’re coming out of their mother’s birth canal right in front of our eyes! They’re quasi-Dallasish!

The Chargers built a 27-7 lead on a 27-degree wind-chill day, and even though San Diego likely won’t face a frigid game in the playoffs, it’s good to know the players can handle it if it comes.

Indeed. It’s comforting to know the Chargers can allow a team as horrible as Cleveland to storm back to nearly take the game in adverse conditions. That tells me they’re built Ford tough.

So let’s see. The Chargers in 2005 beat the 13-0 Colts in Indy. The Chargers knocked the 13-3 Colts out of the playoffs in 2007 in Indy. The Chargers knocked the 12-4 Colts out of the playoffs in 2008 in San Diego.

I sense a trend.

THE CHARGERS WEAR UGGS?!

The Chargers lead the league in matchup problems for defense.

They also lead the league in sticktuitiveness, grit, and resiliosity. Only third in smiles, though.

Consider how the Chargers are playing in their seven-game win streak. They are scoring more than one unbeaten team, Indianapolis, in the last seven games, averaging 31 points during the win streak, and defending better than New Orleans, averaging 15 points allowed in their win streak.

A streak which included two games against KC, one game against Oakland, and one game against Cleveland. Next on the Chargers schedule: Leaping Lanny Poffo.

(Sean) Payton’s about to have a lot more admirers around the United States. He told me Saturday he’s not going to take the foot off the accelerator down the stretch, not even if the Saints have homefield advantage clinched in the NFC playoffs. The Saints, instead of taking the last game or two to let players heal for the playoffs, will try to make history if they’re in position. They’re aiming for a perfect season.

Which worked out so well for New England two years ago!

(Bruce) Gradkowski plays like a Pittsburgher.

He’s tough, and rugged, and has coal grease streaked across his face. And he drives a pickup. Very Pittsburghish. He has chemistry.

Michael Vick, 45 minutes after one of the most memorable games of his star-crossed NFL career, was still so emotional about it that I could almost feel his goosebumps over the phone.

I could almost run my hands over them, feeling their prickly texture. I asked him to call me back and leave me a voicemail, which I then saved. Listening to it over and over again, you can practically taste the nine layers of Chap Stick on his mouth.

“We want Vick! We want Vick!” came the chant from every corner of the Dome.

God dammit, people in Atlanta are fucking retarded. OOOH, LOOGIT! IT’S THAT GUY WHO KILLED DOGS AND COULDN’T THROW AN ACCURATE PASS! WE’LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU, MICHAEL! YOU AREN’T LIKE THAT BORING, PRODUCTIVE, WHITE QB WE HAVE!

Pittsburgh’s shortcomings include: The secondary depth is un-Steeler-like and porous.

Know what that secondary needs? Bruce Gradkowski.

3. Minnesota (10-2). Favre giveth. Favre taketh away.

Ah, but will he redeemeth?

4. San Diego (9-3). “Best team in football,” one NFL coach told me Saturday. Don’t laugh.

/watches tape of Saints and Colts
/watches Chargers pass D give up three TD passes to Brady Quinn’s hair

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

5. Cincinnati (9-3). Take away the bad loss at Oakland 15 days ago, and the Bengals have been playing terrific football.

Ignore that time the Bengals played terrible football an they’ve been playing GREAT football.

“He’s our knucklehead, and we love him.”
Jets coach Rex Ryan, on quarterback Mark Sanchez’s unwillingness to slide, which resulted in him making a first down Thursday against Buffalo, but also partially tearing a knee ligament, placing his availability for Week 14 in question.

NACHO, YOUR NEW NICKNAME IS KNUCKLEHEADO! THAT’S MEXICANISH FOR SHITHEAD!

Quote of the Week III

“The commissioner has talked about the risk the owners take. We’re not financially invested in ownership, so we don’t face that, but we’re physically invested in this. What’s the price tag for that? Ask [permanently injured Buffalo tight end] Kevin Everett the price tag. We feel we take great risk every time we take the field. I’m sure the owners feel they take great risk every time they invest their money. Where is the common ground? That’s what we need to find.”
– New England quarterback Tom Brady, the Patriots’ assistant player representative, to Ron Borges of the Boston Herald, on the current collective bargaining talks between players and owners.

Classic Brady — he’s not afraid of lobbing a bomb, but he’ll usually do it wrapped in a nice padded box of respect.

Which is then tucked inside a dynastic womb.

Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week

Amtrak Acela conductor to me, 8:27 a.m. Saturday:

“Fourth-and-two at the 28. Did Belichick do the right thing?”

It never ends.

Jesus, has this conductor been stuck on the train for a month? Be with us next month when the train conductor asks Peter if he thinks Elin Woods REALLY rescued her husband from that car the way she claimed she did.

Other things the conductor mentioned to Peter:

“No sir, this is not Mongolia. It’s Rhode Island.”
“Could you please turn off that Coldplay album? Coldplay is only allowed in the quiet car.”
“I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of Heineken Light. There are still Red Baron pizzas available in the café car.”
“Yes, I know you aren’t driving right now, sir.”
“You see, you’ll know the train has stopped when the land outside your window STOPS moving, sir.”
“Yes sir, I’ll be sure to let the management at Sibling Rivalry know that.”

It must drive NFL people crazy to hear Ed Hochuli go on those long, explanatory riffs when he’s got his mike open. But I love it.

I love how he just drones on and on and on. Now, let me tell you about this winery I visited in the Finger Lakes region…

Good reporting by Greg Gumbel, that Tom Cable plans to play Gradkowski the rest of the year while Russell sits.

You mean the Raiders aren’t going to put the most inaccurate passer in NFL history back into the lineup? WHAT A SCOOP!

I inadvertently left out the Patriots’ throwbacks from the ones I like of the old AFL unis. Great classic jerseys and helmets — another team that would be smart to go back in time, full-time.

I agree. I’d love for them to look like a losing team again.

Hey Rodney (Harrison): Congrats on your new daughter, Sydney. Nice job.

Knocking up your wife is the dirtiest hit of all.

I think Houston owner Bob McNair feels he’s closer to winning in 2010 by keeping Gary Kubiak than by firing him. At least this morning he feels that way. Could that change? Absolutely.

Will he fire Gary Kubiak? I don’t know. Are there giant moths out in space who will come one day to devour our mountains and drink our lava? I don’t know. Can I use my brain waves to bend this spoon? Possibly. BUT THAT COULD CHANGE AT ANY MOMENT.

Sam Aiken’s jump-ball-catch-and-run touchdown for 81 yards at Miami tells me one thing about him: The Patriots have a third weapon at wide receiver now.

This just in: Sam Aiken is the Patriots third wideout, and can do things.

That’s quite a bit of rust you’ve accumulated, Rex Grossman.

If by rust you mean CUM!

/Sex Cannon’d

Am I wrong, or do Jon Gruden and Dwight Schrute get their hair cut at the same barber?

It’s the same barber that does Mark Sanchez and Johnny Damon’s hair!

Marco Scutaro at shortstop for the next two years in Boston. I am reminded of the word Mary Beth King uses when she is dismissive and unimpressed: “Meh.”

Oh, so that was Mary Beth I banned from the Deadspin comments section last week.

Okay, folks. You’ve come this far. It was a thrilling day of football, but I know what you’re really thinking: WHY AREN’T WE TALKING MORE ABOUT DEREK JETER? Fear not:

Why It’s Hard To Not Like Derek Jeter Dept.:

It’s true. The media does have an entire department dedicated to telling you why Derek Jeter is so gosh darn perfect. Gene Wojochowski is the chairman.

I’m on record as saying Jeter is the best player I’ve seen in my life as a baseball fan, from about 1968 to now. Most of you are on record as thinking I’m out of my mind for that.

Because you are wrong.

But he said something in accepting SI’s Sportsman of the Year award that sums up why he’s an admirable guy, why he plays as hard in a 9-1 game in Oakland in May in the eighth inning as he does in the World Series.

/anticipates something utterly candid and revelatory

“I just like the game,” he said.

/pulls out own eyeballs

“I like competing.”

/pours acid into vacated eye sockets, goes to closet to hang self while masturbating, hoping for orgasmic death and freedom from Derek Jeter on this plane of existence

”It’s hard to put into words…”

YOU JUST DID!

”…because it’s all I ever wanted to do. I only wanted to play baseball. I only wanted to play shortstop. I only wanted to play for the Yankees. My whole life. It wasn’t like I wanted to play for another team and ended up in New York. It wasn’t like I wanted to play another position and ended up at short. This has always been the dream of mine: to play shortstop for the New York Yankees. And I get a chance to do it.”

So to sum up what makes Derek Jeter such an amazing player: He rdeamed of being a famous baseball player as a child. And he is now a famous baseball player. This is a completely unique characteristic among baseball players, who usually aspire to be draftsmen when they grow up.

Coffeenerdness: Two coffee notes for you who love such things. 1. A critical note about the new Starbucks Caramel Brulee latte. As a professional coffee guinea pig, I feel it’s my duty to warn you before you dive into the new offerings. It’s the most sickeningly sweet drink I’ve ever had at Starbucks.

It’s almost sweeter than spending five minutes with Brett Favre around his children. What a man.

A nice first few sips, but once the brulee bits dissolve a bit, it adds to the sugary mayhem …

You really shouldn’t have dissolved that Kit Kat in it.

2. Praise for a great cup of coffee…

Kudos to you, cup of coffee.

…Milano roast from Bay Area Coffee Company of San Francisco. Now that’ll wake you up in the morning.

WHOA! THIS COFFEE HAS SOME SORT OF CAFFEINATED, WAKE-YOU-UP INGREDIENT IN IT!

The darker the better for me

…and this is a really dark roast with no bitterness.

It’s semi-Zuluesque!

Congrats, to one of Mary Beth King’s former softball teammates, the inimitable Steffi Aspero-Mahmoud, for birthing Ryanne Firdaus Mahmoud Friday. Good luck on a great family life, Steffi.

Ryanne Firdaus Mahmoud? Meh. IT’S NO IVAN POON.