When we last left throbbing groin enthusiast Peter King, he was being audited by the IRS. It’s true! Someone at the IRS wants Peter King to account for all the stupid money he makes. I’m not sure I’ve ever had a favorable view of the IRS until just now. Well done, sirs. You define thorough. Careful when you audit Mr. King, fellas. You might find a Zhu Zhu Pet lodged inside there.

So what about this week? Will Peter finally get to ride JetBlue more? Does the fireplace in his home keeps his family semi-heated all winter long? And, most critically, DID HE GET A KINDLE FOR CHRISTMAS?!! Read on. But first, an aggravating travel note… FROM ME!

I drove from Connecticut, Land of Douche (the Nutmeg Lasagna State!), back home to Maryland on Saturday. I drove with two kids in the car. It’s normally a six-hour drive. It took ten. We stopped seven times. There was a 50-mile backup on I-95 because of a gawker’s block involving a broken down motorboat trailer on the side of the road. Because having a boat available to you at the end of December is so crucial, you see. By the eighth hour, I began to hallucinate that there was a giant lizard on the dash.

Now, if I were Peter King, I would use this example to tell you that TRAFFIC IN AMERICA IS BECOMING A REAL PROBLEM. And to ask why the signs didn’t point me in the right direction. But no. No, I’m the shithead who decided to drive home with screaming kids on 12/26, the same day of the year everyone else hits the road to get as far the fuck away from their families as humanly possible. It was all my fault. And I shall never forgive myself for such an obvious, semi-Pkesque moment of absent-mindedness. Now, onto the column.

I don’t like what Indy did Sunday, but we knew it was coming. Why all the outrage?

Uh, because we didn’t know it was coming? The Colts played their starters all the way against Jacksonville, a game in which they had nothing to clinch. Then, they played everyone through the first half against New York. So it appeared they were going for the win in this game as well. In the past, Indy has gone belly up in the playoffs when they rest at the end of the season. It’s not that unusual to think they may have learned from their mistakes and decided that resting their starters would be fucking stupid, which it was. Instead, they took the lead, threw in Painter, and let it all go to shit. Thus, no more perfect season, despite cruelly cockteasing everyone with the possibility. Oh, and now they’ll lose to New England at home in the divisionals. So yes, I can see why people might be pissed.

Steve Smith, the Carolina Steve Smith, leads the NFL in guts.

It’s true! Here are the league leaders:

GUTS

PLAYER/GUTS BY CUBIC LITERS
1. Steve Smith (7.8)
2. Kurt Warner (5.6)
3. Antoine Winfield (5.4)
4. Brian Dawkins (5.4)
5. Anquan Boldin (4.9)

As you can see, Steve Smith, despite his small size, has over two more cubic liters of guts than the next highest player. You talk about a guy with fucking INNARDS. He has the sinew of a burglar.

Maybe an Arizona will pop up this year, a surprise team that rides the wave. This year, that team might be Green Bay or Arizona

Maybe Arizona will be an Arizona. That could happen. It would be unusual, since Arizona is usually a Nevada.

San Diego might be a killer because Philip Rivers has been as clutch a player as there’s been in the league over the past two months

MARMALARD DEFINES FLOATY CLUTCHNESS!

It’s been a long, strange trip for San Diego.

And the times for them, they are a changin’. All they are is dust in the wind. They just keep going on, like a rolling stone. They’re truckin’. To everything, turn turn turn. There is a season, turn turn turn.

Steve Smith says his broken forearm is “a minor nuisance.”

‘Tis but a baby punch. THE BLACK RECEIVER ALWAYS TRIUMPHS!

Right away in the NBC viewing room at Rockefeller Center Sunday, when Smith got slammed by Giants safety Michael Johnson as he gathered in a pass from Matt Moore near the goal line, Rodney Harrison said, “His arm’s broken.” Harrison knows about broken arms.

“The secret to breaking an arm, Peter, is to grab the arm when someone is in the pile, long after the whistle has blown. Then you just break it over your knee SNAP! Don’t try it if you haven’t done oceans of steroids, like I have.”

“You in pain right now?” I asked.

“Sort of,” (Smith) said. “It’s more of a minor nuisance.”

Football players are different than the rest of us.

They get free cortisone shots!

I think, especially because Peyton Manning takes so few big hits (in 12 seasons, he’s never missed a start), it’s not ultra-dangerous to leave him in the game

Semi-reckless? Perhaps. But ultra-dangerous? I don’t think so. For you see, ultra-danger is the sort of thing only braved by the likes of Jeff Speakman and Don “The Dragon” Wilson. Ultra-dangerous is taking on a team of highly-trained terrorists who have taken over the Staten Island Ferry, while you are armed with little more than a black belt in judo and your own cunning. THAT is ultra-danger. Leaving Manning in against the Jets? No so much.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Revis.

Let’s pretend we didn’t read that.

It’ll probably be a close vote (for DPOY), but I’m leaning toward Revis. He’s been matched against Andre Johnson, Randy Moss, Marques Colston, Steve Smith, Roddy White and Reggie Wayne a total of seven times, and he hasn’t allowed a 70-yard game. He’s been the definition of shutdown corner.

He defines shutdown corner. You look up that term in the dictionary, where you will not find it because it isn’t an entry, and you will see a picture of that man. Only you won’t, because that’s not actually true. My metaphors define loose.

The Bengals-Jets game is more desirable than Baltimore-Oakland (for the SNF game next week) for a few reasons. It’s potentially a more competitive game, it’s the last football game in Giants Stadium…

And, judging by the way the Giants played this week, the Jets are sure to put on a dazzling display to send the girl off!

…the Bengals have been eager to play a prime-time game and have more star power than the Raiders, and it’s better to have a 10-5 team on TV than a 5-10 team.

Unless that 5-10 team is playing Brett Favre or the Dallas Cowboys! If that happens… AMERICA CANNOT GET ENOUGH.

I doubt the NFL wanted to put Charlie Frye and 20,000 empty seats in Oakland on the showcase prime-time game of week 17.

“Dammit! If only we could put the Redskins on for back-to-back weeks.”

One more interesting note from the league’s scheduling czar, Howard Katz, late last night: I was under the impression that NBC, with its two wild-card games Jan. 9, got the first choice of which game to put in prime time on that Saturday night. Then FOX and CBS would take an NFC and AFC game, respectively, and NBC would be left with the unchosen game for its second Saturday game.

“I don’t know how that ever got started,” Katz said, “but it’s not true. None of the networks get a choice. They all lobby, of course, but it’s a league decision.”

How the fuck does Peter not know this? He WORKS for NBC. What do you mean, we don’t get to be in charge of scheduling? I have it right here, in my list of assumed, unspoken rules! We get to schedule playoff games, and goats are only allowed in Rock Center if they’re wearing tuxedoes. I THOUGHT THIS WAS ALL A GIVEN.

Dallas (10-5). In this year’s NFL, you rise and fall like penny stocks. Ergo, Dallas to number three.

architect

“Ergo, allow me to use the word ‘ergo’ in the midst of meaningless bullshit.”

Only bit of bad news for the suddenly Patriot-like Patriots came five minutes into the game against Jacksonville.

Whoa hey! When did these wacky Patriots get so Patriot-like?! I had them pinpointed as more of an Arizona.

Strong words from Rodney Harrison on “Football Night in America,” calling the Patriots frauds on TV last night.

“They just don’t break arms illegally they way they used to.”

The Steelers might not be a playoff team, but they’re exciting.

That is so not true. I saw them play Cleveland. I nearly ate my own jaw.

The best thing Ravens coach John Harbaugh could do this morning is put a stop to the-officials-cost-us-the-game talk that I’m sure is all over the Baltimore practice facility. Watch the four costly calls and you’ll see they all were justified, with one asterisk.

All of those calls were legit! Except for one! QUIT YER BITCHIN!

Houston (8-7). Edge the Jets because of offensive explosiveness. Amazing, isn’t it, that Matt Schaub’s going to end up with 4,700 passing yards or so. What’s this league coming to?

AND Schaub is also going to end up leading the league in normalcy! We haven’t seen that happen since Roger Staubach did it in back-to-back seasons nearly forty years ago!

I too am concerned about a league where a quarterback can throw for many yards because his defense is spotty and his running games blows. That NEVER happens.

Denver (8-7). Points for valor, but the Broncos are 2-7 since Nov. 1.

Valor? What valor? NEVER HAVE I SEEN A TEAM SO BRAVELY LOSE SEVEN OF NINE. Did you see Brandon Stokley slap that ref? HE’S SO COMPETITIVE! He just wants to win!

/prays the Broncos miss the playoffs to make Simmons all whiny
//just noticed that Simmons seems to have given up on writing about the NFL

Stat of the Week

I’ll tell you a sign that a team loves a player:

They let him fly JetBlue!

LaDainian Tomlinson does not have a 100-yard game this year. He has not averaged more than four yards a carry in any game since opening day. He’s had one run of more than 25 yards in 221 carries this year. But the coaching staff and organization knows how important his legacy is, and how touchdowns are ultra-important to him, so he’s remained the goal-line back, and has 12 rushing touchdowns, third most in the league.

Keep in mind that TD’s are not just important to LDT, they’re ULTRA-important. Again, this is a whole other stratosphere of importance. Right up there with yesterday’s events in Iran. The ultraness of the importance cannot be understated.

/pictures Peters staring at his Michelob Ultra bottle while he writes the entire column

Anyway, you know a team loves a player when they decide to make him they’re goal line back to pad his stats despite subpar play. KUDOS TO YOU, CHARGERS.

As you know, I’m loathe to put players into Canton before they finish playing.

PUT FAVRE IN NOW!

I love the five-year waiting period because it allows the emotion to settle and the numbers and impact of a player to sink in, with the chance to calmly compare one star to another.

“I love the five-year waiting period, because it allows me to forget what a great player Cris Carter was, so I can then largely ignore his case while I thumb my own ass in the boardroom during the voting process. Also, the five-year waiting period gives players more time to send Paul Zimmerman wine.”

But one day around 2017, Tomlinson has a heck of a chance to be joining his boyhood idol, Emmitt Smith, in the Hall of Fame.

This just in: LDT might go to the Hall of Fame!

Wes Welker was targeted by Brady 13 times Sunday. And caught all 13.

HOLY FUCK, HE IS SUPERMAN. How does he always seem to catch passes that are thrown three yards away from him?

MVP Watch

1. Peyton Manning, QB, Indianapolis. Manning was pedestrian Sunday, but he probably can’t sit enough to lose his fourth MVP to Rivers.

2. Philip Rivers, QB, San Diego. In the Chargers’ 10-game winning streak, Rivers has 20 TDs, six picks, six games with a rating over 100 and zero games with a completion percentage under 60. There’s no denying it now — Rivers is playing the best football of any quarterback drafted in the past six years.

3. (tie) Drew Brees, QB, New Orleans. Something is going wrong here. Normally, I’d say a 32-of-37 game would be cause for celebration and a leap up high into the MVP standings here. But this was a dink-and-dunk 32-of-37, producing only 17 points.

3. (tie) Brett Favre, QB, Minnesota. He and Brees have impossible roads to the MVP, barring something very strange happening.

5. Darrelle Revis, CB, New York Jets. In 35 minutes, his man in Indy, Reggie Wayne, had three catches for 33 yards and no TDs. The strong streak of good play continues.

Again, where the fuck is Chris Johnson on this list? Why is Favre is still there? He’s been horrid for the past three weeks. I AM GETTING SEMI-HEATED ABOUT THIS.

Todd Haley swears he didn’t give that Kansas City fan the finger. I hope he’s right.

“You think I gave a guy the finger? You calling me a liar? Todd Haley doesn’t need to tell anyone to go fuck themselves. When he walks in the room, they are already FUCKED.”

/drives off in used Porsche

America gave up on the Patriots too soon.

We never realized just how Patriot-like they were!

Pro Bowl rosters will be announced Tuesday night. If I’m lucky, I’ll be out at “Up in the Air.”

Unless the Nutley mall has again held the film back in a clear case of EXTORTION. IT’S A CONSPIRACY!

Rest in peace, Connie Hines.

Who?

Don’t know Connie Hines? I’ll give you a clue: She starred in the greatest sitcom in American television history. (Answer later in this item.)

It’s Mr. Ed. She was on Mr. Ed. That was a greatest sitcom of all time, according to Peter King. And you know who created Mr. Ed? You guessed it: Yogi Berra and Derek Jeter.

I watch far too many reruns of “The Office,” mindlessly. I can’t help myself. I’m gaining a much better appreciation for the greatness of Kevin’s acting.

Kevin is the character. The actual acting of that character is done by Brian Baumgartner. Say, you know who’s an awesome actor? That Brian the Dog from “Family Guy”.

I believe I set an espresso record over the weekend. Three days, six drinks, 18 shots. That’s got to change. Soon.

Do you have a problem? I don’t know. Is it possible you’re just another douche who talks about how much coffee he consumes, like it’s some kind of badge of neurosis? MAYBE.

I’d just like to know, as a frequent flier, how a guy passes through security twice with explosives sewn into his underwear. Don’t we have animals to sniff bomb-laden underwear? Can we figure out a better system to uncover hidden bombs?

Oh, I’m sure there’s no shortage of hidden bombs in YOUR Jockeys, good sir.

By the way, I too am OUTRAGED about an item that recently ran in the news and I would like to voice my concern as a citizen. THINGS ARE HAPPENING OUT THERE. HOW CAN WE LET THEM HAPPEN? WHY AREN’T WE PAYING COPS ENOUGH? WHY ARE THERE SO MANY GUNS? WHY CAN’T I GET INTO A SCREENING OF GRAN TORINO?!!!!

“So this means his retirement was an Urban legend?” Keith Olbermann said on the set of “Football Night in America” last night. About flip-flopping Florida coach Urban Meyer, of course.

Booooooooooo, you fuck.

I will be getting Kindle-conversant this week. Looking forward to it.

HE DID! HE GOT THE KINDLE! He knew exactly what he wanted for xmas, and he got it! Aren’t you so happy for Peter?! Nancy Meyers should write a movie about him!