When we last left throbbing groin enthusiast Peter King, he was being audited by the IRS. It’s true! Someone at the IRS wants Peter King to account for all the stupid money he makes. I’m not sure I’ve ever had a favorable view of the IRS until just now. Well done, sirs. You define thorough. Careful when you audit Mr. King, fellas. You might find a Zhu Zhu Pet lodged inside there.

So what about this week? Will Peter finally get to ride JetBlue more? Does the fireplace in his home keeps his family semi-heated all winter long? And, most critically, DID HE GET A KINDLE FOR CHRISTMAS?!! Read on. But first, an aggravating travel note… FROM ME!

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The ’72 Dolphins are drowning in as much champagne as any casual fan trying to get through a Sunday night game that matters only to fans of an overrated NFC East. As annoying as Mercury Morris can be, he’s far less grating than the fat humps that will spend the entirety of their lives spitting tater bits on anyone within mouthshot about their 19-0 season. The ‘Phins folks will at least die soon.

For those willing to brave this game, hope Dallas will lose just so Week 17 isn’t completely meaningless for the NFC. Or that the Redskins run another swinging gate to hilarious effect.

Detroit at San Francisco A game with no playoff implications. Fortunately, it’s only being shown to people who deserve the fate of watching this game.

St. Louis at Arizona The Cardinals have an outside shot at the #2 seed in the NFC, but will need to step it- zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

NY Jets at Indianapolis The Colts promoted rokkie QB Drew Willy (!) from the practice squad this week. That move doesn’t not bode well for Pey-Pey’s play-play for the rest of the regular season.

Denver at Philadelphia Brian Dawkins returns to Philly. Because he doesn’t want to be accused of rubbing it in, Dawkins tries not to sound too excited when telling old friends how awesome Denver is in comparison.
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Way to close the Meadowlands with a bang, New York Cockface Giants. G-Men took a Snooki-like beating to Matt Moore at home. Honestly, it’s a perfectly acceptable substitute for a Cowboys choke.

[H/T - Gallo's Twitter]

Hope you had a nice Christmas/Friday off and that Hyper Red Holiday Deion brought you everything you asked for, so long as it’s to be used to piss off a bull. Hark, the crappy early games play! Glory to my newborn bender!

Stevonne Smith at Steve Smith — The Panthers baby-punching reggalator this week revealed that his actual first name is Stevonne, swiftly putting an end to the “who is the real Steve Smith?” queries. I would have deferred to Pharoahe Monch anyway.

Baltimore at Pittsburgh — Due to injuries, we can finally settle the long argued-over safety battle between Tom Zbikowski and Tyrone Carter. I’ve always found this tedious. They don’t even play the same position. Comparisons are moot, if not painfully unnecessary. Can’t we just appreciate them for their underwhelming play without feeling the constant need to contrast them? On one hand, Zbikowski is a failed ballhawk who gets beat by tight ends in coverage, while Carter is a guy who plays up to miss tackles on running backs who get through to the second level.

Houston at Miami — Texans running back Arian Foster killed many a fantasy team last week with his two carries for seven yards and a fumble against the Rams. And while Sticky Ricky has been more kind to the fantasy crowd, he’s fumbled four times in his last two games. If I continue to dabble in fantasy talk, it’s almost as if any of my teams are still in contention.

Seattle at Green Bay —

I know, I know. That reference is beyond tired. But who knows how much longer Hasselbeck is going to be around to mock. Treasure these moments, for Seneca Wallace is not very amusing in his suckiness.

Buffalo at Atlanta — This season, Louisville product Eric Wood has already memorably suffered a major injury playing for Buffalo this season. With Brian Brohm starting behind that porous O-line, Buffalo may singlehandedly wipe out all of flubby’s kith and kin.

Kansas City at Cincinnati — Ocho wants to throw a pinata filled with two thousand dolla dolla bills into the stands if he scores today. What hasn’t been said is that it’s a Chris Henry pinata. CONFLICT!

Jacksonville at New England — The Patriots play well at home and the Jaguars perform poorly against teams with winning records. Don’t you like how Matt Jones never got a shot at a comeback this season? PAYTEEUT NATION SAYS THE DECK IS OWBVIOUSLY STACKED AGAINST THE WHITE MAN! OPEN YO-AW FACKIN EYES!

Oakland at Cleveland — Charlie Frye is gonna show the Browns for spurning him. All he has to do is outperform his replacement, Derek Anderson. Chuckle if you want, but 100 yards passing is more than sounds.

Tampa Bay at New Orleans — Bill Cowher has reportedly been contacted by the Bucs about taking their head coaching position beginning next season. I’ve heard the deal hinges on whether the Rays will be able to use his new chiclet teeth as bases.

Christmas is a time for being stressed out by relatives, with alcohol your only merciful bulwark against madness. Or throwing them the Coach Haley holiday greeting. Already faced with that, you expect us to work too? Not so long as we have good seasonal content to recycle. Feel like bitching? Just be thankful you’re not in Sweden, where those blond assholes go nuts for a stupid cartoon with Donald Duck in the jungle.

Also, George Michael died. No, not that one. Or that one. This one. D.C. mourns its machine.

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Millions of people play fantasy football. Most of them never win anything. The vast majority of these losers fail in uninteresting ways. Occasionally, one of them will break through with a masterstroke of disappointment. We have three readers who fit that bill. But first, one sob story of my own:

One of my four fantasy teams the past two seasons has been in a league comprised of fellow Pittsburgh fans and bloggers. Yes, yes, I know – “Are all your teams named Sixburgh36 and HEREWiiGoStillers6xChamps? Let me guess – Heath Miller went in Round 1″ Haha, no, but seriously, shut up. Anyway, it’s an eight-team league with one significant wrinkle I didn’t catch before the first season – every team makes the playoffs. Not sure why I missed it then, but then who the hell creates fantasy leagues where everyone makes the playoffs? It renders the entire regular season meaningless. You could theoretically finish 0-14 and win the championship. It’s goddamn stupid. Still, no one (to my knowledge) purposefully tanked any games.

Naturally, this rule bit me in the ass right away. I finished the first season 11-3, had the top seed in the playoffs, led the league in scoring, only for it all to come crashing down in the semifinals against a team that finished 6-8 during the season. Suffice it to say, I was pissed and responded by bitching as pathetically as I could about the policy. Surely, it would not stand another year.

Of course, flash forward to this season and, lo and behold, all the teams are still making the playoffs. Once again, I posted another 11-win season. Didn’t lead the league in scoring, but was still in the top 3. No way the same fate would befall me this time, I thought.

And I was right. IT WAS WORSE. I lost my opening playoff game to a team that went THREE AND F*CKING ELEVEN in the regular season. I played the same guy in the final week of the regular season and beat him by 35 points. In the playoffs against me, he posted his highest scoring output of the season by 20. I had Drew Brees and Cop Speed Zulu put up rare pedestrian numbers. IT HAPPENED AGAIN! I’M THE COLTS OF THIS LEAGUE!

Even if they change the policy next year, I’ve been screwed enough that I couldn’t possibly take it again. Plus, knowing my luck, they’d make the change and I would respond by finishing 5-9.

I hate this game.

Now to tales of reader fantasy woe.

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I’m one of those New York A-holes without a car, so I end up renting a car every Christmas in order to transport my dog down to my sister’s place in Maryland. This year, that car ended up being a Prius.

I’m okay with this. Saving money on gas is nice, and I just need something with four wheels and a trunk. I don’t need to project an aura of masculine ideals with my rental car. But there are a couple of problems.

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NO MAILBAG THIS WEEK. Our apologies, as we know that it’s crunch time for those of you in the fantasy playoffs and others who are trying to get laid over the holidays.

However, we will offer alternative programming: send us your angry fantasy football rants about this season, with a focus on the gut-wrenching loss that knocked you out of the playoffs or kept you from reaching them. Make the subject line “Fantasy Football Bitching”. The best three submissions will be posted on Thursday, and the winners will get… ummm… a small sense of accomplishment?