deionred

Hope you had a nice Christmas/Friday off and that Hyper Red Holiday Deion brought you everything you asked for, so long as it’s to be used to piss off a bull. Hark, the crappy early games play! Glory to my newborn bender!

Stevonne Smith at Steve Smith — The Panthers baby-punching reggalator this week revealed that his actual first name is Stevonne, swiftly putting an end to the “who is the real Steve Smith?” queries. I would have deferred to Pharoahe Monch anyway.

Baltimore at Pittsburgh — Due to injuries, we can finally settle the long argued-over safety battle between Tom Zbikowski and Tyrone Carter. I’ve always found this tedious. They don’t even play the same position. Comparisons are moot, if not painfully unnecessary. Can’t we just appreciate them for their underwhelming play without feeling the constant need to contrast them? On one hand, Zbikowski is a failed ballhawk who gets beat by tight ends in coverage, while Carter is a guy who plays up to miss tackles on running backs who get through to the second level.

Houston at Miami — Texans running back Arian Foster killed many a fantasy team last week with his two carries for seven yards and a fumble against the Rams. And while Sticky Ricky has been more kind to the fantasy crowd, he’s fumbled four times in his last two games. If I continue to dabble in fantasy talk, it’s almost as if any of my teams are still in contention.

Seattle at Green Bay —

I know, I know. That reference is beyond tired. But who knows how much longer Hasselbeck is going to be around to mock. Treasure these moments, for Seneca Wallace is not very amusing in his suckiness.

Buffalo at Atlanta — This season, Louisville product Eric Wood has already memorably suffered a major injury playing for Buffalo this season. With Brian Brohm starting behind that porous O-line, Buffalo may singlehandedly wipe out all of flubby’s kith and kin.

Kansas City at Cincinnati — Ocho wants to throw a pinata filled with two thousand dolla dolla bills into the stands if he scores today. What hasn’t been said is that it’s a Chris Henry pinata. CONFLICT!

Jacksonville at New England — The Patriots play well at home and the Jaguars perform poorly against teams with winning records. Don’t you like how Matt Jones never got a shot at a comeback this season? PAYTEEUT NATION SAYS THE DECK IS OWBVIOUSLY STACKED AGAINST THE WHITE MAN! OPEN YO-AW FACKIN EYES!

Oakland at Cleveland — Charlie Frye is gonna show the Browns for spurning him. All he has to do is outperform his replacement, Derek Anderson. Chuckle if you want, but 100 yards passing is more than sounds.

Tampa Bay at New Orleans — Bill Cowher has reportedly been contacted by the Bucs about taking their head coaching position beginning next season. I’ve heard the deal hinges on whether the Rays will be able to use his new chiclet teeth as bases.