time to fuck

We only got something like three or four submissions for the mailbag this week, so Christmas Ape was like, “Hey, should we do a mailbag reminder?” and I was all “HAIL NAW, it’s New Year’s Eve and I don’t feel like writing and formatting a 4000-word column.” So, we’re gonna make do.

Also, so there’s some transparency here, I finished up my fantasy season with both my teams making the playoffs. The ass-kicking team I had (a choice of Matt Schaub and Tom Brady at QB, MJD, Tony Gonzalez, late-round draft picks Percy Harvin and Jamaal Charles, and savvy pick-ups like Miles Austin) lost in the first round, while the middling team I put together finished third. I have now never NOT made the playoffs, but I’ve never finished better than third, either.

Kinda like my sex advice. Sure, I’ve made some regrettable decisions, but I’ve also slept with women I had no business seeing naked. I think it balances out, mostly. I’m not Nostradamus, but I’m consistent. Consistently slightly better than mediocre. Speaking of sex advice, we got a very handy New Year’s tip from the beloved Starter Wife this week:

Not sure if you guys are doing the FF / Sex Mailbag this week, but if you are – and if you are so inclined – an important safety message that you might be interested including in the post:

“According to the National Institute for Reproductive Health, sales for emergency contraception more than double in the first days after the New Year.“  (via Bitch Magazine)

The NIRH link includes a cute video of grandmas reading text messages not meant for them, and a link for Don’t Drop the Ball where you can sign up to send a text message reminder to your friends (or if you are a man with balls of steel, your conquests) for the morning after pill New Year’s Day.

Happy New Year!

I’ll say. A happy New Year is a non-impregnated one. Now on to your questions!

First up: a letter we got two weeks ago, but still applicable because he has a two-week championship game:

Dear Frotteurs,
New reader, first time writer.

First, less a sex question, more of a league decorum issue. My girlfriend and I joined a league with crew of randoms. Early on, around week two, we traded for fun, I got Ray Rice because of my RU affiliation, and she got Zach Miller in his second year out of ASU since she’s a sun devil. All strangers in the league, no one vetoed, Rice goes on to dominate of course because he is a Scarlet Knight,

Just like Mike Teel! He fucking OWNS that practice squad!

and Miller is now just off his second concussion. A friend of mine said that, if we were in a league of friends, no one would allow a couple to make this kind of deal. I just beat her team in the first round of the playoffs, and now I’m into the finals this week. So, is my triumph cheapened by this early-on acquisition, or can I boast about my freshman fantasy success without ever having to qualify my means of getting here? To try to make up for the Rice trade (though I don’t think it was enough), I did help her scout the waivers getting her Sidney Rice and eventually traded her Roddy White.

“Cheapened”? Hell no, coups like that are what you BRAG about. And fuck what your friend said. Let your league mates bitch and groan if they have a problem — they’re the ones who allowed the trade. Your pantywaist of a friend is justs jealous he doesn’t have a girlfriend to convince to join his fantasy league. Because he’s gay. Trust me, KSK has the Internet’s only sex/fantasy football experts.

On to the finals, two week final championship, playing Chris Johnson, Rice, and Benson, sitting Snelling and Ganther… playing Finley over Gonzalez?…

Oooohhh, I hope you played Finley. Bad time to get an ankle injury, Tony.

also, for the week 17, I was considering of sitting Rivers in favor of Alex Smith against St. Louis, in case Marmalard opts to rest his laser face.
Thanks,
The Phenom

My knee-jerk reaction to that was “You’re fucking crazy!” Then I realized I haven’t been paying attention to the rumor mill, so I haven’t heard anything about whether the Chargers will be resting starters or not. And the Rams are bar-none the worst team in football, so it probably can’t hurt. The only danger is an early lead and lots of running from Frank Gore and Glen Coffee, AKA the asshole I dropped because he can’t get more than two yards a carry in Gore’s stead.

Dear KSK,
Fantasy: Got fucked over again, don’t wanna talk about it.

That makes you one of a very few who don’t want to share their sob story.

[Ed. Note: Uff had some business to take care of, so I (Maj) am here to take you the rest of the way. The advice won't be as good, but I make up for it with pictures.]

Sex: So I’m from Connecticut but I go to school in Texas. When home I have worked at the same deli for 4 1/2 years now, and its the type of place where 5 years is lifer status. The place is rife with relationships between lifers as well. Now I’ve evolved from a shy, overweight, quiet kid from when I started to a much more sociable person, but I’m still not a looker and I’m a virgin. At this deli is a girl I’ve worked with since the beginning, and wanted to bang from the beginning, but I never even gave it a chance. Plus shes a little cute thing in the mold of Lexi Belle [Ed. note: pictured below], and a slut.

lexi belle
In case anyone was wondering. Here’s another view. You know, for the sake of clarity.

Since the end of last summer she won’t leave me alone, and constantly talks about how much she hates the place. When i was at school I would drunk text her and she would tell me how much she hates the place. I’m pretty sure she wants me to be her ticket out of the shithole, because I’m the only guy in her age range that you could bet on making something of myself (i.e. I go to school in Texas and not the local community college), and she has no intention of going to college. Considering that her primary motivation is to use me to begin with, would I be evil to string her along with promises of saving her from a lifetime in that shithole to possibly get laid?
Thanks,
Hates Jewish Delis

The way I see it your only jobs are to sling matzoh balls and get yourself laid. If you want to sleep with her and she’s a willing participant then go nuts. Just because you two share a night of awkward nakedness doesn’t mean she’ll expect–or even want–you to whisk her away to an exciting new life of textbooks and dorm room ramen. Besides, you’re a virgin. It’s not like you’re going to wow her in bed. Go enjoy yourself and worry about the fallout later. That’s what New Year’s Eve is all about. Probably.

Gentlemen (?)
Not sure if you’re doing a fantasy football/sex mailbag this week but I have to ask anyways: Is it normal to have a different dick size for different women? To explain my question, a girl from out of town was in for the holidays and I was of average size when she and I got naked, however my dick became a goddamn bullet train (paraphrasing Drew here) when I was hooking up with my 39 year old date (I’m 24)… Alcohol was (heavily) involved in both situations and I noticed my size (or lack thereof) right away… Thoughts? Comments? Suggestions??
-Dan

Your erection isn’t a ruler, no matter how much you paid the tattoo artist to make it look like one. It’s going to vary a bit depending on circumstances both mental, and environmental. If you find yourself riding the Shinkansen with one lady in particular then it probably has something to do with your level of arousal. It’s basically your dick’s way of saying “well played.” Or you have a Stretch Armcock, in which case I urge you not to refrain from cutting it open to see what’s inside. Some questions are better left unanswered.

KSK,
All right, fantasy first. First year doing a keeper league, need to pick one, since I’m gonna keep Aaron Rodgers. Brandon Jacobs, Maroney and Boldin. Are my best options. I was set on Jacobs at the beginning of the year, but he really shit the bed. In a related story, I finished sixth. The rest of the league looks like they’re going mostly RB/RB or WR/RB, if that helps.

Your top backs are Jacobs and Maroney? How the hell did you finish 6th? Keep Boldin, fuck those other guys.

Sex: Nothing really to bitch about, been with my girlfriend for about 2 years and the sex is fine, but a little monotonous. Plentiful, but a routine of some combination of doggy, missionary and cowgirl. Any suggestions for some different, but not complicated positions.
Thanks,
Owner that wishes Jacobs would gotten tossed when he threw that punch

This isn’t fucking Cosmo. Spend some time screwing around until you find something you can both enjoy without winding up in physical therapy. Oh, and don’t forget, artfuly placed pillows are your friend.

fyeahbrazilian

Happy New Year.